Hiring a doula ?

WonderPup · June 2012

I'm planning a natural birth/vbac and think I want to hire a doula. I researched the subject a lot a while back and really like the idea a lot. My husband doesn't get it though and I'm having trouble explaining how a doula can help us BOTH in labor. We are supposed to meet with the one I'm hoping we will be able to use this week and he's not especially thrilled about it. Hoping she can help him understand but in the meantime is there any advice on helping him see why a doula isn't going to be in the way and isn't taking his place in the delivery room. I showed him the statics online on how having a doula reduces the chances of this and that and he's unimpressed and says anything lower than 50% is not worth mentioning. *sigh* I would really love advice on how to offer the information to him on at the very least reasons for natural birth. Is anyone aware of any good youtube videos for example. I want to try and get him to watch the business of being born on netflix in the very near future. We just haven't had time for that one yet since he's hardly ever home now. He won't read up on the subject at all, he's not much of a reader.

tokenhoser · June 2012

Ask him how many births he's been at.

None? Oh. Why not invite someone with a clue to help you both out?

Hopefully she can sell him on the idea, but if not... personally, giving birth was more about what I wanted than what my partner wanted. Fortunately, he was fine with that.

WonderPup · June 2012

LMAO, thanks for that blunt response. That is so true. He's never seen a birth start to finish that I know of.

Blackrose1918 · June 2012

Wow, your DH sounds EXACTLY like mine. He didn't want to ead up on it, mostly drowned me out when I talked about it, etc. He did come to the interviews with potential doula candidates because I pointed out that he may want to have a say in something like this, since him getting along with her was pretty important. Inform your doula candidate before your meeting that you DH isn't on board and is skeptical. This is apparently very common. After we met with the women we chose, DH was totally on board. She spent a good bit of time talking to him directly, and treated him as an equal part of the conversation. That will go a long way. Good luck!

WonderPup · June 2012

Blackrose1918:
Wow, your DH sounds EXACTLY like mine. He didn't want to ead up on it, mostly drowned me out when I talked about it, etc. He did come to the interviews with potential doula candidates because I pointed out that he may want to have a say in something like this, since him getting along with her was pretty important. Inform your doula candidate before your meeting that you DH isn't on board and is skeptical. This is apparently very common. After we met with the women we chose, DH was totally on board. She spent a good bit of time talking to him directly, and treated him as an equal part of the conversation. That will go a long way. Good luck!

I'm glad to hear it's a common thing. I did tell the lady we were meeting with that he wasn't on board. I hope she's able to win him over. I don't really want to fight over it but I do really want to try everything I can to get the birth that I'm hoping for.

cedenton · June 2012

My DH was pretty non-committal about it. Then we met a super "crunchy" doula at a baby expo and he was VERY against it. Luckily I already had an interview scheduled the very next day with another doula (in training). Thank God she was pretty normal (medium-crunchy as she put it) and her husband was a police officer (like mine). It also helped that since she was in the process of submitting her certification paperwork, but wasn't certified yet, she is only charging us $200.

You just need to find the right one that will put your husband at ease. Good luck!

Mrs.MauiBride24 · June 2012

This is very common. I asked my DH how many births he has attended (zero) and how many babies I have birthed (zero). I just kept thinking that if I wanted a natural birth, I wanted to set myself up for success. If things didn't work out as planned, I wanted to know that all the things that WERE in my control were in place for the birth that I wanted. And I don't know what kind of stats you were showing him, but when you're talking about labor pains without an epi, a reduction in labor by 30 minutes or whatever small percentage points DOES matter.

FWIW, when all was said and done, DH said he would have paid the doula double.

aylafsu88 · June 2012

tokenhoser:
Ask him how many births he's been at.
None? Oh. Why not invite someone with a clue to help you both out?
Hopefully she can sell him on the idea, but if not... personally, giving birth was more about what I wanted than what my partner wanted. Fortunately, he was fine with that.

This exactly! My DH was very anti-doula when we found out we were expecting. He did not see the point in paying for someone to support me. In his words "I will be your emotional and physical support for labor." Well after having him read the stats on labor and delivery (the average women has a 15 hr labor ect..) he started to change his mind. Yes, he can support me but 15 + hrs is a long time and we will both be tired and nervous as FT parents. When we meet with our doula I asked her to explain what she could do for the H and how she could work with him during labor. After hearing what she had to say my DH totally changed his mind. Now he is relieved to have a doula as it takes a lot of pressure off of him during labor and delivery. GL and I hope you can get him to see the positive side!!

tokenhoser · June 2012

My husband is also a total convert - when I was talking about whether it would be worth it to hire her back for a second baby, he was convincing ME it was worth it because birth is different baby to baby.

It helps that she wasn't a scary-crunchy. She was a pretty normal woman with a pretty normal day job (office manager at a chiro clinic). I think a lot of men assume a doula will be a pretty out-there character. Some might be, but most are quite normal.

robertandmegangriffin · June 2012

Mine was anti-doula as well, for cost reasons and for the fact that he "wanted to be my support person" As many PPs have already said, this is our first and neither me nor DH have ever been present for a birth. This is a great article if he'd be willing to read it:

https://www.bloomspokane.com/2009/07/05/hiring-a-doula-a-husbands-perspective/

If not (my DH is not a reader at all) see if you can find any other husbands/partners out there that have experienced using a doula. Most that I have run across are singing the praises of having a doula or midwife present and wouldn't do it any other way-you may already know someone that could talk to your husband.

Blackrose1918 · June 2012

Ok, newb question, but what the heck does "crunchy" refer to when used in this context? Please help me feel less dumb. Thanks.

tokenhoser · June 2012

Blackrose1918:
Ok, newb question, but what the heck does "crunchy" refer to when used in this context? Please help me feel less dumb. Thanks.

"Crunchy" to my husband would mean she looks like a hippy (long hair, long skirts, no makeup), doesn't want anything to do with hospitals or "regular" medicine, pushes alternatives like herbs and aromatherapy and acupuncture, into the spiritual aspect of birth. It's not an entirely bad thing to be (especially on this board), but we were looking for someone reasonably mainstream.

cedenton · June 2012

tokenhoser:
Blackrose1918:
Ok, newb question, but what the heck does "crunchy" refer to when used in this context? Please help me feel less dumb. Thanks.
"Crunchy" to my husband would mean she looks like a hippy (long hair, long skirts, no makeup), doesn't want anything to do with hospitals or "regular" medicine, pushes alternatives like herbs and aromatherapy and acupuncture, into the spiritual aspect of birth. It's not an entirely bad thing to be (especially on this board), but we were looking for someone reasonably mainstream.

The super "crunchy" one is was referring to in my post actually had ankle length dreads. Totally skeeved my husband out. He thinks dreads are dirty and nasty. Not saying that's true, just his personal bias. He basically said there was no way he would let her near me in a setting where we should be avoiding germs.

pisceschik · June 2012

My husband was the same way when I brought up the subject at like 16 weeks. After starting our Hypnobabies class at 28 weeks, and realizing how much support I'll need, he was SLIGHTLY more open to it. Well, we met the doula last night, and on the drive home he said "okay, let's do it." I was surprised, but I think meeting her really helped. Also, giving him time to get used the the idea helped too.

RissKay · June 2012

Ok, so question: if your husband isn't in to trying to figure out why you want what you want, why should you have to convince him? It's your body, it's your birth experience. I totally understand that it's his as well, my DH and I feel like it's "our" thing, but we also realize that I'm going to need more help than he'll be able to give, especially if I want to do this med-free. He's good under pressure, but he's never been through a labor and delivery before, and he will need a push of reminders of what to do/suggest for me to help me.

Not trying to be rude, just being honest.

tiffmatt · June 2012

I sold it to my husband that if I had a doula to help coach me through labor and the pain that he could be there more for my emotional support and to experience it with me without having so much pressure on him. The doula will be there for labor specific support so my husband can be "in it" with me more. I think we will be able to feel closer during labor if he doesn't have to remember breathing practices and everything else.

WonderPup · June 2012

RissKay:
Ok, so question: if your husband isn't in to trying to figure out why you want what you want, why should you have to convince him? It's your body, it's your birth experience. I totally understand that it's his as well, my DH and I feel like it's "our" thing, but we also realize that I'm going to need more help than he'll be able to give, especially if I want to do this med-free. He's good under pressure, but he's never been through a labor and delivery before, and he will need a push of reminders of what to do/suggest for me to help me.
Not trying to be rude, just being honest.

Well for one it's a lot of money (to us) to spend and while it's MY personal savings that it's coming out of that might not have been the case. If not I'd certainly have to convince him anything 600+ dollars was worth it ya know? Also our first birth was so traumatic he really got shoved aside in what turned into a minor emergency so I want what I want sure but I also want him to be part of it and completely comfortable so he can be the best support he can be. This means he also has to be comfortable with everyone in the room with us who doesn't absolutely have to be there ya know? We need to agree and coming to an agreement doesn't always mean I get to bully him into whatever I want (even if that's what happens sometimes, like this time for example).

Want a personalized experience?

Hiring a doula ?

Re: Hiring a doula ?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards