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Cosmic+Love · June 2012

Can?t believe that I am writing this, but my husband dropped a bomb on me last nite and let me know that he isn?t ready to be a father yet. I?d been charting the past two cycles and off bcp since February ? a decision that we made together. We are 29/28 and bought our house a year ago. We?ve been married for 3 years ? together for 10. But, I realize these things do not make someone any more ready to be a parent.

He claims he does want children, but does not understand what the ?rush? is. I?m completely crushed. He has given me a few reasons, but says he wants more time to be selfish. He cannot give me a timeline as to when his feelings may change.

I respect him telling me this now, before we are pregnant. I realize that I cannot change his point of view nor would I want to. I?m just having a difficult time coming to grips with having to put this on hold. I wish that he hadn?t got me so excited about starting to ttc only to backtrack. Does that make sense?

I?m just so sad, frankly a little embarrassed, and wishing I had someone IRL to talk to.

Mimi092306 · June 2012

I'm sorry. You should tell him how you feel and make sure that although there is no timeline- the goal is still to try in the future.

jschwind22 · June 2012

Although my situation is slightly different (DH isn't ready to pursue IF treatments so everything is on hold), I completely understand the disappointment and sadness associated with wanting a family and not being able to do what it takes to have one now. Something that we have also had a hard time with is many of our friends are single, so DH sees them living the "single life" as opposed to a "family life." As hard as it may be, I am trying to just leave it alone for awhile and let DH talk about it when he is ready. I know that he's going to be an awesome father, whether it happens now or well into the future. That certainly doesn't change my impatience, but I don't want him to agree to move forward until he is ready. I would suggest that as hard as it will be, to give your DH some space for a few months before talking about it again. I hope that you and your DH can be on the same page sooner rather than later!

Cosmic+Love · June 2012

jschwind22:
Although my situation is slightly different (DH isn't ready to pursue IF treatments so everything is on hold), I completely understand the disappointment and sadness associated with wanting a family and not being able to do what it takes to have one now. Something that we have also had a hard time with is many of our friends are single, so DH sees them living the "single life" as opposed to a "family life." As hard as it may be, I am trying to just leave it alone for awhile and let DH talk about it when he is ready. I know that he's going to be an awesome father, whether it happens now or well into the future. That certainly doesn't change my impatience, but I don't want him to agree to move forward until he is ready. I would suggest that as hard as it will be, to give your DH some space for a few months before talking about it again. I hope that you and your DH can be on the same page sooner rather than later!

Thank you so much for the kind words. Wishing you all the best in your journey. All of our friends are single, so that might play into it.

I really wish that I could buy some patience right now, but I don't think they sell it to type A personalities.

reederah · June 2012

That sucks :-( I know being patient is SO hard but I guess you don't have much of a choice in the matter now. My best advice would be I try to enjoy doing fun stud with him now and hopefully he'll change his mind soon. So sorry you have to deal with this situation.

pkaren · June 2012

I just had almost the exact conversation with my BFF last week. Her FI doesn't want to have kids for awhile and she wants to start trying after their wedding. She's 32, he's 30.

My DH felt the same after we were married. He was totally freaked out and didn't want to "try", just wanted to see what happened. Well I got KTFU our first "try" and he FREAKED OUT. We had a huge conversation about how disappionted he was and he didn't think it would happen that quick and that he wanted more time. He was not excited at all and I bawled my eyes out, hoping he would come around. He was supportive, he wasn't a jerk or anything, but he was just super scared. I ended up having a blighted ovum discovered at 12 weeks, still haven't had AF and have to go for another surgery in a few weeks. All of this struggling and time has had a silver lining because he's been able to wrap his head around having a baby and now wants to try as soon as we get the go ahead to TTC. We just had to do this the hard way! (I'm 31 now and he's 34)

My DH wasn't even ready to talk babies until he at least turned 30, then it was sort of a thought. Don't freak out, just give him some time. It might be helpful and make you feel better if you can commit to a time frame? Like enjoy the summer and start trying in the fall? It's different for men, they don't really feel the same about babies as we do, I don't think they feel that strong need as much? I have another friend who's pregnant (30) and her DH is happy, but scared poopless at the same time.

GL, I know your initial reaction is to panic, but don'e be afraid to give it some time!

Cosmic+Love · June 2012

Thank you, PKaren. Your words are very comforting. I'm so sorry about what you have gone through and hope you get your take home baby soon! Good luck on the 24th.

sparklemotion86 · June 2012

I'm so sorry that your husband is having second thoughts. When DH and I started TTC in 2010, I told him that it could take a while for us to get pregnant. It happened on the first cycle. DH was freaked out and was not at all prepared.

He is a great father, but I think it was a little too quick for him. It was especially hard at the time since most of our friends were just getting engaged or single. This time around DH is more prepared and totally on board.

I hope your DH comes around soon and that you feel better.

NatalieHolmes · June 2012

I am sorry, and hope that you can start your family sooner then later!

BellaLux · June 2012

I'm sorry to hear about DH's change of heart, especially after you both agreed to proceed in Feb. It is quite disappointing. Continue to keep the lines of communication open and hope you two are able to come to a decision that is right for both. Good luck!

ilovemyducks21 · June 2012

Had a similar experience (although we hadn't started trying before DH changed his mind). I was ready, but I knew he wasn't quite. He surprised the crap out of me by saying "When do we need to start trying for after next tax season?" (I'm an accountant). Less than a week later he says its too soon for him, he'd like to wait. It wasn't the same level of disappointment you had, but still hurt.

I can't give you advice, but I can tell you what I did. I basically told him, "you really got my hopes up, and it really hurt me when you just changed your mind like that, especially when it was YOUR idea." I just asked that the next time he brings it up, he's absolutely certain he won't change his mind, because I don't know that I could handle getting excited about it just to be let down.

On the bright side my DH has finally come around, so yours will get there eventually Smile

PrimRoseMama · June 2012

I am so sorry that this bomb was dropped on you. However, its best that your husband is honest with you about how he feels. It is also a good idea to keep the lines of communication open. If you feel it would benefit you, you might consider seeing a couple's counselor for a couple sessions. Not saying that you are in trouble with your marriage, but having a neutral third party to help you all through this difficult time is not a bad idea.

We are TTA, and there are others that are avoiding for various reasons. You are not alone. You want both partners to be on board for a baby decision. Otherwise, it can lead to resentment, anger and bottling of feelings. That is never good.

Here's to hoping you'll be back in the TTC saddle before you know it.

Cosmic+Love · June 2012

Thanks everyone for your comments and sharing your experiences. I'll definitely focus on keeping up the communication in the relationship. It's hard to suppress that urge to be a mother, but hopefully I'll be able to join you ladies soon.

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