What to do for a good friend? ticker warning

LouRN09 · June 2012

Hi ladies. Yesterday, we got some devastating news that our best friends lost their baby boy at 3 days old. I wont get into to details, but one thing I will say is that it was a da*n nurses error that took his precious little life. (And I am also an RN, and so is the momma)

Please, what can we do to help them cope? I know there is nothing we can say or really do to make it all better. But, I am desperate to do something. We have been praying for them nonstop.

I am so very sorry for all of your losses and my heart breaks for you just as it does for our best friends. Did anyone do, or give, anything to you that you treasure and/or are very thankful for? Any advice or suggestions? Thanks ladies.

lrichmond86 · June 2012

I'm very sorry to hear about your friends' loss. I know that when we lost our son some of our family and friends did things in remembrance of him (planted a tree, had memorial jewelry made for us, my mom got a wind chime engraved with his name and birth date). These were the things that meant the most to us. A big fear that loss parents have is that their little one will be forgotten by others. It feels good to talk about him, say his name, and especially to know that others are remembering him, too.

Also after our loss we weren't really living in a functional way for a couple of weeks. It was tremendously helpful when people would come over with meals for us or to clean the house or do our laundry.

I also want you to know what a good friend you are for wanting to help your friend. Don't be surprised, however, if they don't seem to want your help. After our loss I appreciated all that everyone did for us, but I just didn't have it in me to ask for it or thank them for it. When you lose a child, everything else seems so trivial. Many thoughts and prayers go out to your friends and their little one today!

LuckEinLuv · June 2012

At the top of the page is a FAQ: What to Do that the ladies on this board have compiled. I am so sorry for your friend's loss. Thank you for supporting her in this difficult time. Unfortunately many of us have noticed that our friends ran the other way when we had our losses.

LouRN09 · June 2012

Thank you all so much for the advice and suggestions. I will definitely check out the FAQs too. I love the idea of wind chimes as we got those for my aunt when my uncle passed away and still now she talks about how much she loves to hear them in the wind. I also really like the jewelry idea and I love to cook! (Esp for other people) I don't want to avoid her, but I can also only imagine how hard it would be to see both my 2 yr old son, and my pregnant belly. Any thoughts on how to handle this? And once our son is born?

Petunia844 · June 2012

Everyone else gave good advice, I just wanted to chime in about you being pregnant. Unfortunately, this will likely put space between you and your friend. It's hard, actually impossibly hard to be around pregnant women and/or new babies after you lose yours. It's harder when you were pregnant together...probably planned together, talked about future play dates... I am finally starting to get to a point where Im ok being around those friends...and it's been eight months. I was around them sooner...but no matter how I was acting outside it was really hard. So make sure she knows you're available, but please do not pressure her to see you. I had a friend I was pregnant with who just didn't understand how it tore my heart up to see her with her baby girl...she was trying to help, but honestly her pressuring me to see her made it harder on me at the time and I still resent it sometimes.

I know this is all hard to hear....I just want to be honest with you. All this being said, if she does ask too see you, don't say "are you sure? Even though I'm pregnant?" just take cues from her.

LouRN09 · June 2012

Petunia844:

Everyone else gave good advice, I just wanted to chime in about you being pregnant. Unfortunately, this will likely put space between you and your friend. It's hard, actually impossibly hard to be around pregnant women and/or new babies after you lose yours. It's harder when you were pregnant together...probably planned together, talked about future play dates... I am finally starting to get to a point where Im ok being around those friends...and it's been eight months. I was around them sooner...but no matter how I was acting outside it was really hard. So make sure she knows you're available, but please do not pressure her to see you. I had a friend I was pregnant with who just didn't understand how it tore my heart up to see her with her baby girl...she was trying to help, but honestly her pressuring me to see her made it harder on me at the time and I still resent it sometimes.

I know this is all hard to hear....I just want to be honest with you. All this being said, if she does ask too see you, don't say "are you sure? Even though I'm pregnant?" just take cues from her.

Thank you so much for this advice. I have been curious as to how my pregnancy would effect them, and what you've said makes perfect sense. We have discussed play dates and all that jazz, so I cant even begin to imagine how hard it would be to see me pregnant, with a newborn, etc.

Bayberry12 · June 2012

This is all great advise. Be there now in the beginning, when everything seems impossible for this mom, help with anything you can. And if she pushes you away, let her - don't force things. But also be there in a few weeks or months when everyone else goes back to their lives, she will still need to know that people care and are still there for her, and haven't forgotten what she is going through.

pottermommy · June 2012

All I can say is I am so sorry for her loss and for the grief you are feeling with them.

Is your DH and hers friends?? If so make sure he includes him when he wants to be included. Daddy's hold back so much for the sake of the mommy who is so lost in the moment and people often forget that they lost a baby too.

LouRN09 · June 2012

pottermommy:

All I can say is I am so sorry for her loss and for the grief you are feeling with them.

Is your DH and hers friends?? If so make sure he includes him when he wants to be included. Daddy's hold back so much for the sake of the mommy who is so lost in the moment and people often forget that they lost a baby too.

Our husbands are actually closer to each other than the momma and I are. But yeah I totally see what you are saying! It all happened just 2 days before Father's Day too.

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