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Natural Birth
ljanette85
member
not including the dad in L&D / laboring alone
ljanette85
member
Im starting to think that my fiance and I should have taken a class... for him, not me.
I feel fine about L&D. I have lots of support and Im not scared, Im excited. He just is not easy to talk to about it. I feel like Im bothering him if I want to talk about techniques for support partners, watch a video, etc. Honestly throughout this pregnancy he has really closed up and wont communicate well with me in general.
Im not going to let anyone, fiance included, make me nervous during the birth. I need to relax and get through this. Chances are that my mother will be there and thats perfect for me.... but there is a slim chance that she will be away if I go early.
Has anyone labored alone? I feel comfortable with the hospital that we are going to, I have heard wonderful things about them. I guess it would just be nice to know if anyone else has done it without a birth partner other than nurses and the doctor. I would love to hire a doula but we just cannot afford one.
It makes me a little upset that he is being distant about this (we are 7 weeks out!) but only I can deliver this baby so instead of nagging him about it I just want to feel prepared for the chance that I kick him out and totally do it alone. I just cant imagine myself relaxing and opening up if he is standing there dumbly without a clue because we couldnt have any discussions about what would be helpful for me during labor.
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Re: not including the dad in L&D / laboring alone
Have you looked to see if there are any student (read: free) doulas in your area?
I did take the hospital class with DH just so he'd have a clue. It was cheap and only 3 or 4 evenings. It wasn't that fabulous, but it got him the basics.
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I didn't labour on my own.
I just wondered if you have expressed your concerns/feelings with your partner?
perhaps he doesn't realise or feel his imput is that important? maybe he just feels nervous or scared about the whole thing?
With our 2nd there was a chance DH would be out of town and my plan was just to go the hospital and work with my MW. I didn't have a back-up support person. That was my plan because I knew I could absolutely do it on my own and was cool with that as a concept.
I certainly don't think there's a right or wrong, and if you'd feel more comfortable with just your Mum, then that's what you should have. But...i think that's something you should make clear to your partner beforehand so that you can fully explain your feelings, and he has time to learn things, or at least talk through his perspective so you feel confident he can be the support you need rather than making you feel awkward.
Elizabeth 5yrs old Jane 3yrs old
I mentioned it the other day and he didnt have much of an answer... Im trying very hard to include him, I just dont think that he knows what to do. Just touching my stomach freaks him out : /
Whatever I choose He will be fully informed, I dont want him to feel left out, but the only thing making me nervous is his attitude. Im afraid that it will affect me during labor if that makes any sense.
In most cultures birth is traditionally a "women only" business. I will be laboring with a midwife and midwifery student (both female).
Even if I were with my husband, I am quite sure that I'd still be more confident and comfortable without him there....no matter how good their intention may be, I just don't think men can truly understand or sympathize.
With #2 DH had taken a sleeping pill an hour before I went into labor. (In his defense, I told him it wasn't going to be the night). When we got at the hospital he was so groggy from the pill that even shots of espresso weren't waking him up. Luckily we had a doula, so I sent DH into the waiting room to sleep it off on the couch. I figured labor would take a while like with #1. We were only at the hospital for about 3-4 hours before I suddenly had to push (I went from 4-10 VERY quickly). DH nearly missed the birth. We had to send someone out to wake him up to be there when DS was born.
I actually didn't mind him not being there during the labor. DH is normally a nervous person during labor and it was nice just having a supportive team of women (doula, BF, and mom) there to get me through it.
Do what works for you.
I was worried about my H's ability to be a real help in L&D. That's why I hired a doula. But I couldn't have imagined him not being there at all.
Is there any way you can talk to him about ways he can be more supportive of you? Even if it means him just being there and not saying a word. And who knows, he might surprise you. People have a way of rising to the challenge.
I didn't labour alone but my H certainly didn't participate in any way. He and my mom sat and chatted quietly in chairs beside the hospital bed with my first and he stood near the bed with my second. No holding hands or counting to ten or bracing legs for me. I was glad he was there but he didn't 'help' me.
My GP was great, the nurses were great. I didn't feel the need for a doula or anyone else to lean on during the process.
My DH was there, but honestly he was pretty useless! I think I remember that he tried to rub my back for me during contractions with our first, but he was very awkward and out of his element. It's just not his thing. Luckily, he's a terrific dad once the baby is actually out, LOL!
It is not too late for him to still go to a class, either with you, or a lot of places now have Daddy Boot Camps which are all male and have all male instructors. Maybe he would feel more comfortable with one of those?
You really need to be clear to him what you need from him, I think maybe print out what you just wrote here and give it to him if you find you have a hard time saying the words face to face.
I just couldn't imagine going through L&D (and parenting) without my DH. I can't imagine having a child with someone I couldn't depend on to be there through the hard parts of life. My husband took a class with me, didn't read much, and felt woefully unprepared (which honestly with your first baby you are always woefully unprepared because imho nothing can possibly prepare you. he was just more honest and aware of this than I was!), BUT when time came for me to go to the hospital he was ON like whoa and acted not just as my coach and caretaker, but also my translator and advocate when I was having a hard time making myself clear to the staff at the hospital.
I also think a doula would be a great idea.
My DH was really baffled about my wanting a home birth and no drugs. He kept saying, you've never done this before, how do you know you want to be at home? He also wasn't really sure about the home birth until we talked about it with our midwife and our doula.
Our doula was gold. We didn't take any classes but we had two in home sessions with our doula to talk about birth and labour. The second class was a birth rehearsal and she taught us pain management techniques. As luck would have it we had our son a few days later and it was all really fresh in my DH's mind. He was amazing!
Of course you can do it on your own or with your mother as support. But if you really want your partner there give him a few chances to get involved now and see if he gets into the idea.
Did anyone else think of Father of the Bride 2?
I think you have to do what is comfortable for you, but I would still give him the benefit of the doubt when you do go in to labor. He may surprise you and rise to the occasion.
Prep for what you expect with you and your mom in L&D, though. Good luck on your decision!!
Honestly I kind of know where you are coming from. I wanted a natural birth with our first so we took the Bradley class; it's a 12 week intensive childbirth class. I didn't feel like my husband was taking it as seriously as he should. When the other dad's in the class would be following the directions of the teacher (practicing certain massage techniques, practicing relaxing things to say to their wife, etc) during the class, my husband would either do it once or twice and then kind of zone out, make a joke, or do something else that made me think "he is not getting this" or "he is not into this". I really began to question his ability to help me - and then I started thinking that perhaps he would be more of a stressor in the room than a help. Honestly I even started asking questions during the Bradley class like "what do you do if _____" (insert situation where husband doesn't step up to the plate). My teacher was surprised I was so boldly indicating that my husband might not step up but I really really thought that he was going to be more annoying than helpful :-) I was really nervous he was going to FREAK OUT and forget he was supposed to calm me down not make me freak.
Fast forward to the birth and boy was I wrong. He was amazing. He remembered everything we had learned, everything I had told him from books I read; he remembered where to apply counter-pressure to my back, was there for me but not in my face or annoying; he was calm and collected even when we BARELY made it to the hospital in time. He helped me through contractions at home while packing our bag, timing contractions, drawing a bath, etc. My husband who said "I don't want to go south of the mason-dixon line" meaning he wanted to see nothing during the birth was ALL UP in my business down there :-) The midwife delivered the shoulders and then my husband was allowed to deliver the rest of the baby, place him on my chest, etc. My husband was just incredible.
I think in hindsight that men (some men) just process things differently. Kind of like I get all excited about the nursery "ohh I just love this color what do you think honey" and he just replies "it's fine". I used to think that meant he didn't care - but really it's just personality. And I think that the class made him somewhat uncomfortable, so therefore he dealt with the discomfort of unchartered territory (talking about vaginas and boobs and blood and babies!) with jokes and by disengaging. I know that he was paying attention because since we had the baby, I've had a few friends who have been pregnant - my husband lectured them on the danger of "cascade of interventions" and named them off by name when he heard my friends were thinking about an epidural :-) It was cracking me up to hear him ask them "but don' tyou know the benefits of breastfeeding" or "you really should rethink the epidural..." This from the man I thought didn't care.
Last thing I'll say is that I also think part of my fear of him not doing his part was actually my fear of NEEDING help from someone. I am so independent - the thought of me relying on my husband for anything was just - well - weird. I liked the idea of me doing it all independently without his assistance. But in the moment I was so glad I had his love and support! The only annoying thing was that the 2nd night in the hospital, my husband said he was too tired to deal with everything and went home to sleep...however his boss wouldn't let him off of work when the baby was born and so I think it was more due to the stress of having to get his work done AND meet my needs and the baby's needs than him not wanting to be there with me, you know?
So perhaps your man will stay distant, but perhaps he'll just jump right in where he needs to. Try to take a class together if you can.
I had a doula (also my cousin - handy right?!) and DH in the room. I adviced DH to stay "up here" (above the waist) and he was more comfortable with that. He also did a lot of the running around for ice chips, water, whatever I needed. It made him feel useful.
If you wont be having a doula, why not bring a close friend (or your mom will do the trick) and just tell DH is role is to be there and just get stuff when it's needed, and be there when the baby is born. You definitely don't need him to be doing things he's not comfortable with, and stressing you out. Give him a role that makes him feel useful, but takes him out of whatever he's not comfortable with.
When I was pregnant wih our first son my husband was very distant the entire time. He was freaked out by my belly, didn't read a single book and pouted before every birth class we attended together. I was pretty upset that he was being so distant and felt very alone. When I went into labor though he was right there rubbing my back, talking me through each contraction. He was freaked out but there and that meant a lot. When things really picked up intensity wise I did rely more on my nurseswho were really fantastic and supportive of my wish for a natural birth. In our birth plan my husband asked to stay up by my head and didn't want to cut the cord. But my son came faster then we were prepared for and they ended up needing him to hold one of my legs and a dr we hadn't met before ended up delivering and didn't know our birth plan so she handed him the scissor things to cut the cord so he did. In the end he had a front row, hands on experience and he was so proud of himself when it was all done. I'm glad he was there and that he got to experience our sons birth.
Now that I'm pregnant again and have elected for a home birth he is a little hesitant again because it's another new experience but i know he will be there when I need him. Oh and he is still afraid of my belly, but it's better this time.
I guess what I'm saying I learned from this is that we both handled preparations very differently but in the end we were both happy with the experience. That and that he responded best to very clear directions on how to feel included (example: rub my back, I need something to drink, etc) which worked for me as I wasn't really wanting to talk a lot.
This statement while right in a sense (yes men won't ever get to experience childbirth) makes me really sad though. With DD's birth DH was beyond amazing. He was suggesting different positions that we had learned in our Bradley classes. Telling me that I was tensing up in my face or arms during contractions. Telling that I was doing amazing. Just because men can't sympathize with the pain or fully understand, doesn't mean they can't be a wonderful support person while in labor.
Unfortunately not all men react that way while their SO is in labor. I think it is something that is learned. The problem is that for years and years men went to the other room when women labored. They don't know how to help. They haven't been taught how to help! I knew that I wanted dh to be involved and that is why the Bradley Method really appealed to me. During classes, I wondered if dh was actually getting anything out of it and in the end I know he did based upon my experience with him helping me while in labor with DH.
OP, considering how far along you are, what I would suggest would be to hire a doula. I know you mentioned that cost is a factor and there has to be a student doula in your area. Or even maybe a doula who would be willing to work with you based on a lower rate. A lot of doulas will work with what you can afford. They aren't in it for the money. Get online and search for natural birth communities in your area, I suggest FB or meetup.com. Email some doulas and ask if they know anyone working on their certification.
GL!