Breaking the news to a friend TTC

nallsl · June 2012

I have a friend (not best friend, but I've known her since high school) who has been TTC for over 4 years now. How do I break the news to her that I am pregnant? I feel so bad that she is having so many problems and it only took me three months of trying. I don't want her to find out from someone else or via social sites.

cwm11985 · June 2012

I have not had experience with this, however, it comes up a lot on here and most people recommend an email so that she can process her emotions and response without feeling put on the spot.

kelly321 · June 2012

My suggestion is that you send her an e-mail. While some women who haven't experienced a loss or had TTTC think this is too impersonal, if you were to ask around on the loss or TTTC boards here, this is the advice generally given. The reason is that it gives the person the chance to deal with their emotions in privacy without having to paste on a happy face and congratulate you. She'll probably be happy for you but sad for herself, and she might need a good cry. Also mention that if she's not ready to hear about your pregnancy yet, then you will try to respect that and not talk about it around her. When she's ready, she should ask you and you will take that as your cue. Basically, just follow her lead. However, don't tell her you won't talk about it around her if she doesn't want to and then proceed to do it anyway. Also, if she does ask, don't start off by complaining about all of your symptoms. She would probably love to have horrible m/s, cramps, etc, if it meant she could have a baby and may resent your complaints.

jessican08 · June 2012

kelly321:
My suggestion is that you send her an e-mail. While some women who haven't experienced a loss or had TTTC think this is too impersonal, if you were to ask around on the loss or TTTC boards here, this is the advice generally given. The reason is that it gives the person the chance to deal with their emotions in privacy without having to paste on a happy face and congratulate you. She'll probably be happy for you but sad for herself, and she might need a good cry. Also mention that if she's not ready to hear about your pregnancy yet, then you will try to respect that and not talk about it around her. When she's ready, she should ask you and you will take that as your cue. Basically, just follow her lead. However, don't tell her you won't talk about it around her if she doesn't want to and then proceed to do it anyway. Also, if she does ask, don't start off by complaining about all of your symptoms. She would probably love to have horrible m/s, cramps, etc, if it meant she could have a baby and may resent your complaints.

All of this.

drpayne · June 2012

Email, definitely. It might feel impersonal to you but it's a kind thing to do for your friend. I was in the same situation and sought advice on the T-TTC board. Those ladies were wonderful. As one of them told me, it might be very hard for your friend to adequately show happiness for you while feeling sadness for herself. The compassionate thing to do is not put her on the spot. I posted this recently in response to a similar question but I'll include part of what I sent to her. We had plans to go to a concert later that week and I knew she'd call me out for not drinking:

"Hi dear,

I know this is not good timing, to say the least, but I have some news. I thought quite a lot about how to tell you this and came to the conclusion that an email would be best so that you don't feel like you have to react a certain way. I'm pregnant. I truly just wanted to give you space/time to process the news and not make you feel like you have to immediately express any kind of excitement for me.

I thought about waiting to tell you, as I'm really early (my parents don't even know yet). I considered making up an excuse for not drinking on Friday but you know me too well. Had you asked me, I wouldn't have been able to lie... and I really don't want to lie to you, especially knowing you'd find out later and that that in itself could be hurtful. I certainly didn't want to surprise you with this in person on our evening out. I do hope you know that if your first reaction was to cry, I'd probably cry with you. I just want to handle this in whatever way makes it least difficult for you. If that means you can't see me for a while, I will understand. Whatever you need is fine. You certainly don't have to pretend around me.

I pray for you every day, friend. My heart really aches for you and I wish I had some insight into His will. It certainly doesn't seem fair. I'm at a loss as to what I could possibly say... other that I love you very much and I'm sorry that you are going through this.

......

Hugs."

Good luck.

amh04 · June 2012

I have a rather good friend here who had been TTC for 4 years, with IF medication etc and her and her H are now debating on IVF. It was extremely uncomfortable to tell her, she knew we had just started TTC and it didn't help I wanted to tell her before her H deployed. I would never tell someone news like that with your SO half way around the world - that is not the time for upsetting news to be told. But - she was really happy for us.

I just told her, that while I was really happy for myself and that it hurt me to tell her that I was pregnant. I was just honest - which is what a friend is owed. She didn't want a pitty party or me to feel bad for her. But I did, because we had talked about how fun it would be to be KU together. I also let her know that I understood if it was hard to be around me and if she was upset I fully understood. I just told her the truth - which is what I'd advise you to do. Be honest and meet up with her and tell her how you feel and be understanding. I wouldn't let her hear it through the grape vine.

amh04 · June 2012

kelly321:

My suggestion is that you send her an e-mail. While some women who haven't experienced a loss or had TTTC think this is too impersonal, if you were to ask around on the loss or TTTC boards here, this is the advice generally given. The reason is that it gives the person the chance to deal with their emotions in privacy without having to paste on a happy face and congratulate you. She'll probably be happy for you but sad for herself, and she might need a good cry. Also mention that if she's not ready to hear about your pregnancy yet, then you will try to respect that and not talk about it around her. When she's ready, she should ask you and you will take that as your cue. Basically, just follow her lead. However, don't tell her you won't talk about it around her if she doesn't want to and then proceed to do it anyway. Also, if she does ask, don't start off by complaining about all of your symptoms. She would probably love to have horrible m/s, cramps, etc, if it meant she could have a baby and may resent your complaints.

I think this is great advice too!! I never thought about doing it via email, but it makes perfect sense.

kelly321 · June 2012

drpayne:
"Hi dear,
I know this is not good timing, to say the least, but I have some news. I thought quite a lot about how to tell you this and came to the conclusion that an email would be best so that you don't feel like you have to react a certain way. I'm pregnant. I truly just wanted to give you space/time to process the news and not make you feel like you have to immediately express any kind of excitement for me.

I thought about waiting to tell you, as I'm really early (my parents don't even know yet). I considered making up an excuse for not drinking on Friday but you know me too well. Had you asked me, I wouldn't have been able to lie... and I really don't want to lie to you, especially knowing you'd find out later and that that in itself could be hurtful. I certainly didn't want to surprise you with this in person on our evening out. I do hope you know that if your first reaction was to cry, I'd probably cry with you. I just want to handle this in whatever way makes it least difficult for you. If that means you can't see me for a while, I will understand. Whatever you need is fine. You certainly don't have to pretend around me.

I pray for you every day, friend. My heart really aches for you and I wish I had some insight into His will. It certainly doesn't seem fair. I'm at a loss as to what I could possibly say... other that I love you very much and I'm sorry that you are going through this.

......

Hugs."

Good luck.

This is a wonderful e-mail. If I had had a friend break the news to me after my m/c, this is how I would have wanted it done.

Brummy14 · June 2012

kelly321:
drpayne:
"Hi dear,
I know this is not good timing, to say the least, but I have some news. I thought quite a lot about how to tell you this and came to the conclusion that an email would be best so that you don't feel like you have to react a certain way. I'm pregnant. I truly just wanted to give you space/time to process the news and not make you feel like you have to immediately express any kind of excitement for me.

I thought about waiting to tell you, as I'm really early (my parents don't even know yet). I considered making up an excuse for not drinking on Friday but you know me too well. Had you asked me, I wouldn't have been able to lie... and I really don't want to lie to you, especially knowing you'd find out later and that that in itself could be hurtful. I certainly didn't want to surprise you with this in person on our evening out. I do hope you know that if your first reaction was to cry, I'd probably cry with you. I just want to handle this in whatever way makes it least difficult for you. If that means you can't see me for a while, I will understand. Whatever you need is fine. You certainly don't have to pretend around me.

I pray for you every day, friend. My heart really aches for you and I wish I had some insight into His will. It certainly doesn't seem fair. I'm at a loss as to what I could possibly say... other that I love you very much and I'm sorry that you are going through this.

......

Hugs."

Good luck.

This is a wonderful e-mail. If I had had a friend break the news to me after my m/c, this is how I would have wanted it done.

Agreed. This E-mail is superb. Having gone through IF myself -- this is exactly how I would have wanted the news to be broken to me should a close friend have gotten pregnant.

goofyteacher · June 2012

Honestly, I would write it out in an email so she has time to process it privately. Explain that you wanted her to find out before she saw/heard it else where and that you understand this may be hard on her. Ask her to call you when she's ready.

nallsl · June 2012

Thanks everyone! I was worried that an email was not personal,but it makes sense.

Todd&Laura · June 2012

drpayne:
Email, definitely. It might feel impersonal to you but it's a kind thing to do for your friend. I was in the same situation and sought advice on the T-TTC board. Those ladies were wonderful. As one of them told me, it might be very hard for your friend to adequately show happiness for you while feeling sadness for herself. The compassionate thing to do is not put her on the spot. I posted this recently in response to a similar question but I'll include part of what I sent to her. We had plans to go to a concert later that week and I knew she'd call me out for not drinking:
"Hi dear,
I know this is not good timing, to say the least, but I have some news. I thought quite a lot about how to tell you this and came to the conclusion that an email would be best so that you don't feel like you have to react a certain way. I'm pregnant. I truly just wanted to give you space/time to process the news and not make you feel like you have to immediately express any kind of excitement for me.

I thought about waiting to tell you, as I'm really early (my parents don't even know yet). I considered making up an excuse for not drinking on Friday but you know me too well. Had you asked me, I wouldn't have been able to lie... and I really don't want to lie to you, especially knowing you'd find out later and that that in itself could be hurtful. I certainly didn't want to surprise you with this in person on our evening out. I do hope you know that if your first reaction was to cry, I'd probably cry with you. I just want to handle this in whatever way makes it least difficult for you. If that means you can't see me for a while, I will understand. Whatever you need is fine. You certainly don't have to pretend around me.

I pray for you every day, friend. My heart really aches for you and I wish I had some insight into His will. It certainly doesn't seem fair. I'm at a loss as to what I could possibly say... other that I love you very much and I'm sorry that you are going through this.

......

Hugs."

Good luck.

This is an excellent response!!

MrsRiceARoni · June 2012

I read this post on a blog the other day that I think will be a help to you:

https://projectopenhearts.blogspot.com/2011/06/so-youre-pregnant-and-your-friends.html

It's quite long, but it is written by a woman who struggled with IF for many years, it also includes some examples of pregnancy anouncements that went well, and those that ruined friendships. I think in general the ideas in this post would also be perfect regarding a friend who has experienced a loss.

FreyaWin2382 · June 2012

drpayne:
Email, definitely. It might feel impersonal to you but it's a kind thing to do for your friend. I was in the same situation and sought advice on the T-TTC board. Those ladies were wonderful. As one of them told me, it might be very hard for your friend to adequately show happiness for you while feeling sadness for herself. The compassionate thing to do is not put her on the spot. I posted this recently in response to a similar question but I'll include part of what I sent to her. We had plans to go to a concert later that week and I knew she'd call me out for not drinking:
"Hi dear,
I know this is not good timing, to say the least, but I have some news. I thought quite a lot about how to tell you this and came to the conclusion that an email would be best so that you don't feel like you have to react a certain way. I'm pregnant. I truly just wanted to give you space/time to process the news and not make you feel like you have to immediately express any kind of excitement for me.

I thought about waiting to tell you, as I'm really early (my parents don't even know yet). I considered making up an excuse for not drinking on Friday but you know me too well. Had you asked me, I wouldn't have been able to lie... and I really don't want to lie to you, especially knowing you'd find out later and that that in itself could be hurtful. I certainly didn't want to surprise you with this in person on our evening out. I do hope you know that if your first reaction was to cry, I'd probably cry with you. I just want to handle this in whatever way makes it least difficult for you. If that means you can't see me for a while, I will understand. Whatever you need is fine. You certainly don't have to pretend around me.

I pray for you every day, friend. My heart really aches for you and I wish I had some insight into His will. It certainly doesn't seem fair. I'm at a loss as to what I could possibly say... other that I love you very much and I'm sorry that you are going through this.

......

Hugs."

Good luck.

I think that this is an excellent response and also would say to write an e-mail. The only part of it that I would skip over is the "God's will" part....I personally don't believe that God has anything to do with fertility (or problems with it) and think that it can make people feel more like they are being punished then just it being cold hard science. But that's probably just me and I understand the sentiment.

Jenilyn and Matthew · June 2012

drpayne:

"Hi dear,

I know this is not good timing, to say the least, but I have some news. I thought quite a lot about how to tell you this and came to the conclusion that an email would be best so that you don't feel like you have to react a certain way. I'm pregnant. I truly just wanted to give you space/time to process the news and not make you feel like you have to immediately express any kind of excitement for me.

I thought about waiting to tell you, as I'm really early (my parents don't even know yet). I considered making up an excuse for not drinking on Friday but you know me too well. Had you asked me, I wouldn't have been able to lie... and I really don't want to lie to you, especially knowing you'd find out later and that that in itself could be hurtful. I certainly didn't want to surprise you with this in person on our evening out. I do hope you know that if your first reaction was to cry, I'd probably cry with you. I just want to handle this in whatever way makes it least difficult for you. If that means you can't see me for a while, I will understand. Whatever you need is fine. You certainly don't have to pretend around me.

I pray for you every day, friend. My heart really aches for you and I wish I had some insight into His will. It certainly doesn't seem fair. I'm at a loss as to what I could possibly say... other that I love you very much and I'm sorry that you are going through this.

......

Thank you for this. I have a friend who had a M/C and has been trying for almost 2 years with no luck. This is worded beautifully.

TwiCaliKat · June 2012

Take it from someone who tried for 4 + years...I'd rather not read it from an email. My sisters both told me they were pregnant around Christmas time. My baby sister knew how hard it was for me and wanted me to hear it from her rather than everyone else. It still hurt and I cried for a good hour or so, but she was right. I'd rather she had been the one to tell me. Now, we are all expecting and I'm so thrilled as it was a long process. Of course, during that time my mom would always make me feel guilty about having a daughter already when some couldn't...I guess it all comes down to how to talk to your friend and how well you think they'll handle it...perhaps she'll surprise you.

Even though I was upset, I was happy for my siblings and was on the look out for baby items for them.

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