Do you ever get jealous that grandparents are unfair w/ grandchildren?

JenWhite123 · June 2012

This is in regards to my in-laws. They have 2 grandchildren, our DD and another grandson.

I try to not get jealous, but they are Always buying things for their other grandchild and not our daughter. Toys, clothes, you name it. They have mever ever bought something for DD "just because". I know I shouldn't let this bother me but it does.

lindslalala · June 2012

I wouldn't say I get "jealous", but I do get annoyed. DS has plenty of toys, clothes, etc., so it's more the fact that they are showing favoritism that bothers me.

stephanie_shoe · June 2012

My in-laws kind of do this too. It doesn't bother me that they don't spend time/ purchase things for our daughter, (we don't live close enough for them to do that), but my husband has two 7 year olds on his side and 5 year old twins. His parents do EVERYTHING for the 7 year olds, and nothing for the twins. The twins are the younger siblings of one of the older kids, and I always wonder what they are thinking--like why their older sister gets special treatment over them.

chickaboo1974 · June 2012

When I think about it enough I get angry at my parents. They have 7 grandchildren. My guys are the youngest- I also live the farther away from them. My mom spends sooo much time with one of my sister's 3 kids that she basically raised them. And she can't come to visit my guys (I have to go there and that is another battle) since she HAS to babysit the youngest one everyday. There is a whole lotta disfunction in my family- but basically my one sister rules everything (she sees my parents as hers and hers alone)- however she is so mad that she doesn't control me that she is passive aggressive big time.

Ilumine · June 2012

This would bother me to the point I might just do something about it - as long as it was noticable to my child.

If if were my parents, I would be polite first. I would ask them if they noticed what they were doing and ask them to why? Depending on their response, I would ask them to please be more cognizant with their actions,

so if they justify it that say Niece/Nephew gets more because my Sibling is poorer or a dunce, therefore they were making up for their own kid, I would politely ask them to be cognizant of their actions and to not make it so visible to my child - SO THEIR (grandparents and my kid) relationship isnt negatively affected by it.

Now, if they show o empathy, then I will tell them politely that my job as a parent is to protect my children and promote a positive family relationship - so if that means keeping my child(ren) away from them or their cousins to keep the hurt feelings to a dull roar, then so be it.

If this was DH's side, I will do what I am doing now. MIL has a favorte granddaughter - mainly because this is the only grandkid around and she lived with MIL for a year.

MIL has a knack of bringing every conversation around to Golden Niece (GN), even the long distance ones with DD. I not so subtly give ONE attempt at turning the conversation back to DD, given DD is only 3 and has a short window of SKYPE interest.

But after that, I will end the conversation with MIL like this "Sorry MIL, but Monkey would much rather talk with you, then hear about GN. She is no longer interested in teh phone/computer. Maybe next time you call (I say that, because she is never around when WE call...we have to wait for her).

kcisthebombdotcom · June 2012

No. I've never kept score as to what my niece and nephew get from my ILs compared to my kids.

Also, I think in some cases certain children may need more parental help than others so it might not always be equitable.

spunkyprincessmande · June 2012

I don't care about the things so much but dh's dad and stepmom are totally like this. They never spend time with our boys but always see our nephew. They never i have us over for dinner or anything but always see the other family. It makes me sad that my boys have no relationship with them.

Rebekah1021 · June 2012

my parents are beyond fair to the 8 grandkids on our side and DD is an only on DH's side.

I kind of wonder if the relationship between you and your inlaws have anything to do with it. Maybe they are just closer to the other family. Or maybe, they are more lax about gifts.

Cherryblossoms07 · June 2012

Luckily I haven't really dealt with this issue with my kids. I grew up with grandparents who were clearly unfair though. It hurts to see them lavishly giving to the other grandkids in front of your face when you are always forgotten. My brother and I still don't have a real relationship with them. My mom quit pushing one on us after years of coming home hurt after spending time at their house.

Hopefully your daughter never sees this disparity or the grandparents learn to be more equal (at least in front of the kids).

Arnegard · June 2012

Is grandson older and they feel he will be more aware of the gifts? You know, but DD is still too young to care or remember.

MIL is great and for the most part if one gets something, they all do (like she painted a bedroom for us to move Alex into, bought her curtains, so she bought curtains for the other room too. She has 2 other grand kids, so I bet she didn't do anything for their rooms, but she had 2 weeks to spend with them while we were gone too.

My parents just act like all 9 of their Grandkids are a pain in their butts, so be thankful for what you have.

Andrewsgal · June 2012

For my kids is it not as much buying things, that is a problem too, but the overall favoritism of the other grandkids.

Our situation is a little different. It is DH's father and Step mother. She has a daughter with two kids, and DH and I have two kids. It is basically her grandkids vs his. He obviously prefers mine, and she obviously prefers her daughters. The difference is he hides it very well she does not.

I have always told her the kids will notice and then she can explain the different treatment, my kids just spent a week at their house, DD came back saying. Nana needs more pictures of us she has a lot of other grandkids but none of us. Her Facebook profile picture is of her other grandkids, never of my kids. It is so blatantly obvious even my five year old picks it up now.

It royally pisses me off now that DD is noticing and getting her feelings hurt.

danienross · June 2012

For now the grandchildren on my side are so young that material things aren't an issue and I'm pretty sure they won't be (right now there is only DD and my 3wk old nephew and I'm expecting another girl in October). However, I'm infuriated by the comments my dad and BIL make.

My dad loves to tell DD that her little sister won't be as pretty as her or that cousin won't be as great as she is. Of course my dad is known for showing favoritism. When we were younger I was the favorite. Then we grew up and he doesn't like who I've become so he is not subtle about my sister being the favorite now. I guess DD gets to be the favorite for now because she's older. If she grows up to be anything like me I'm sure it will change.

BIL on the other hand obviously prefers his kid and says things like "well my kid will never do that" in reference to things DD has done or "my child is superior so he'll do xyz at this age/sooner/better". I get that he's a new dad and is infatuated with his son, as he should be, but I don't feel it's appropriate to express those thoughts in ear shot of my child.

It's ridiculous and I feel like their already being pitted against each other before they're even old enough to understand.

All that said, neither dad or BIL/sister respect me as a parent because I'm choosing not to spank. They see it as me letting DD do whatever she wants with no consequences. They don't believe you can discipline without fear/pain.

I've come to terms with the fact that they won't listen to me or respect my wishes. I'm just hoping I can help them see how hurtful they are being before it is too late and DD (or this coming LO) don't get hurt. I know what it's like to feel like a parent's love is conditional. I don't want my children to ever feel that way, regardless of the family member dishing it out

CocoBrynne · June 2012

My IL's were like this at first with my DS, they have another granddaughter who is 4, and she is spoiled rotten and they favored her pretty blatantly, even tho she is so badly behaved. I pretty much cut them off bc I wasn't going to let my son feel like second best to anyone (there are more issues than just the favoritism btw). In the past 2 months they have flipped around so much tho and are treating us much better so we are back to seeing them again.

It sucks tho, but I think it's more common than you think.

segerama · June 2012

My mother-in-law lives about an hour away, and all of my husband's siblings still live in the same small town within minutes of each other. Because of this, she spends lots of time with the other grandchildren and only sees our daughter at holidays, birthday parties, etc. Whenever we try to visit, she is busy attending our nieces and nephews sporting events, baby-sitting, or going to visit with another sibling. We are not included in any of these impromptu gatherings even though we are only an hour away. Last week, they all camped out in my mother-in-laws backyard with a bonfire. Again, no call to us. It doesn't seem to bother my husband, but I feel bad for our daughter. At 3, she is beginning to realize that the other cousins exclude her at family gatherings.

On my side, she is the only grandchild.

JenWhite123 · June 2012

lindslalala:
I wouldn't say I get "jealous", but I do get annoyed. DS has plenty of toys, clothes, etc., so it's more the fact that they are showing favoritism that bothers me.

Now that I think about it, maybe I am more annoyed than jealous, too. We are very blessed to be able to provide for DD (money is tight, but we manage). It just seems like everytime I turn around, the other grandchild had new shoes, new toys, or something that the grandparents have purchased. I just paid $35 for a new pr of Stride Rites for DD. when our nephew was little, the grandparents bought all of his shoes. Ok, rant over

littlemermaid · June 2012

Is it your husband's sister or brother that has the other grandchild? If it's his sister then I can see the MIL being closer because a lot of mom's will have a closer bond with their own daughter's children then their son's children. It's the whole mother/daughter vs MIL/daughter-in-law relationship.

JenWhite123 · June 2012

littlemermaid:
Is it your husband's sister or brother that has the other grandchild? If it's his sister then I can see the MIL being closer because a lot of mom's will have a closer bond with their own daughter's children then their son's children. It's the whole mother/daughter vs MIL/daughter-in-law relationship.

DH only has a brother, so both grandchildren are their son's kids.

JenWhite123 · June 2012

littlemermaid:
Is it your husband's sister or brother that has the other grandchild? If it's his sister then I can see the MIL being closer because a lot of mom's will have a closer bond with their own daughter's children then their son's children. It's the whole mother/daughter vs MIL/daughter-in-law relationship.

DH only has a brother, so both grandchildren are their son's kids.

FormerlyKrista555 · June 2012

I feel bad that my daughter is the favored grandchild,even though it's not blatant and in the face of my nieces and nephews.

I don't think my prents intended for it to happen. We see and hang out with my parents 3-4 times week, and my siblings do not because they live farther away. When we're all together, my parents show the other grandchildren just as much attention, but my DD gets more "just because" gifts.

Andrewsgal · June 2012

EmilyVReese80:
I could care less
Seriously, I actually think things DON'T need to be fair. You really have no idea if their behavior is intentional and, if it is, it may be for something they think is a good reason (maybe they think they are helping the family financially by buying stuff for them) If your kids start to feel slighted, then that will be on your IL's. They will have to deal with it on their own because it will affect their relationship with their grandchildren.
Honestly, coming from someone who has had to have multiple conversations asking the ILs to PLEASE STOP BUYING SO MUCH CRAP FOR MY KIDS!!!, I would be thankful your kid isn't on the receiving end of the GP's generosity.

That is easy to say when you are not the one watching your kids get hurt. I would rather my in laws buy my kids crao than have a crying five year because nana does not like her as much as R.

lollitots · June 2012

I once posted about this and got reamed. However, my ILs totally do this. They have 4 grandkids, my three girls and a grandson. We live 10 minutes away and grandson lives in another state and comes for a week every other month. They buy grandson expensive clothes, take him to Disneyland, SeaWorld, the the park, ice cream, out to eat at cool restaurants, etc. They have taken my 7 yo out exactly once in her life, and my other ones not at all. For their birthdays they get one outfit from the $6 mix and match section of Kohls. Then they talk in front of the kids about all the cool stuff they do with grandson and show off all the cool toys they bought him but will not allow the girls to play with (the toys are stored at their house between visits). It upsets the kids. They justify this by saying that we can afford to give our girls more than BIL. While this is true, the kids don't see it that way and feel hurt. However, I can't stop them without cutting off all relationship so we just put up with it and tell them that life isn't always equal. In the end, the ILs are creating the relationship with their grandkids and will have to live with what they create. It does suck big huge donkeyballs though and pisses me off that they don't get that it isn't right. I would be happy to just have them stop flaunting the disparity in the kids faces because my kids are old enough to get it. Ok, rant over.

SeptemberBride'08 · June 2012

EmilyVReese80:
Yeah, that WOULD suck scattered I can't really imagine how a grandma could favor one kid over the other in the same family. What a beyotch.

Kids don't have rational adult reasoning. Obviously not all adults have this either hahaha. You can't just say "well Grandma is a dumb asss, sorry she doesn't want to show you more love". To kids seeing their peers get treated differently is rough. My dads side of the family treated my 3 cousins who were in my age range completely different because they lost their mom and their dad was a dumbasss. Sure they did need more love and support which to my dads family equated to expensive gifts and not what they really needed, but that's another story. As a 7 year old who was completely over looked, I didn't understand why my aunts, uncles and adult cousins pushed me aside. I hurt, I cried and I thought they all hated me, which I still think they do. I had no idea what I did wrong to be treated the way I was.

I have zero relationship with any of them and haven't since I was 11 when my parents pulled us back from that situation after we kept being ignored and hurt. I remember getting a key chain I saw in the dollar store for Christmas one year while my cousins got game boys. I was 11 and that was the last Christmas we spent with my dads family. It hurt my parents to see us treated so poorly.

Andrewsgal · June 2012

EmilyVReese80:
Andrewsgal:
EmilyVReese80:
I could care less
Seriously, I actually think things DON'T need to be fair. You really have no idea if their behavior is intentional and, if it is, it may be for something they think is a good reason (maybe they think they are helping the family financially by buying stuff for them) If your kids start to feel slighted, then that will be on your IL's. They will have to deal with it on their own because it will affect their relationship with their grandchildren.
Honestly, coming from someone who has had to have multiple conversations asking the ILs to PLEASE STOP BUYING SO MUCH CRAP FOR MY KIDS!!!, I would be thankful your kid isn't on the receiving end of the GP's generosity.
That is easy to say when you are not the one watching your kids get hurt. I would rather my in laws buy my kids crao than have a crying five year because nana does not like her as much as R.
Why can't you explain to your 5 year old that that crap isn't important? How does she even know that other grand kids are getting stuff from their grandparents in the first place? And, again it's on the grandparent's heads, not yours, so let them suffer the consequences of their actions.

Because, it is not the STUFF they are buying. This actually has nothing to do with stuff. If you would read my first post DD was upset because her Nana has so many more pictures of her cousins than her. This is just one small issue. And a kid bullying my kid is on the bully's head, but you can bet at 5 I will not sit back and watch someone hurt my kid.

Ms.Jade · June 2012

I know my mom buys my brother's kids more stuff but I look at it totally differently - my brother and sister in law have only high school educations. He works in sales - commission only and she stays home with their 3 children. Their income fluctuates and even when it's up it's not always enough. Bottom line, they need more help than DH and I do.

ModernJune · June 2012

EmilyVReese80:
I could care less
Seriously, I actually think things DON'T need to be fair. You really have no idea if their behavior is intentional and, if it is, it may be for something they think is a good reason (maybe they think they are helping the family financially by buying stuff for them) If your kids start to feel slighted, then that will be on your IL's. They will have to deal with it on their own because it will affect their relationship with their grandchildren.
Honestly, coming from someone who has had to have multiple conversations asking the ILs to PLEASE STOP BUYING SO MUCH CRAP FOR MY KIDS!!!, I would be thankful your kid isn't on the receiving end of the GP's generosity.

I completely get this. Mine are the only grand kids so far so there isn't competition or anything but inlaws buy them gifts constantly. It doesn't matter if its a birthday party for one of my kids or a random visit they bring big bags of toys for all the kids. It annoys the hell out of me because now my kids associate my ils with presents. I have scolded my kids before for this. i will say we are seeing grandma and grandpa and their response is I wonder what they got us??? I hate it .

I also cant stand that they bring presents for all my kids to a birthday party. Its just silly to me.

I have gotten to the point where I intercept the gifts and save them for later, she will bring them these hugs bags of presents like a week before christmas and then another on christmas...they just dont need that and I hate what it has done to their relationship.

My parents on the other hand are the go to activity parents. We usually vacation with them so my kids associate them more with family time. They usually buy my kids something small if anything as a just because but most of the time its clothes or something to play at their house.

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