Hello, let me introduce myself first..
For the first 30 years of my life, everything was smooth and worry-free. I was my parents’ most beloved child, found my true love in college, and happily married him after graduation.
At work, I was my boss’s most valued employee. Whenever I was in charge of a project, colleagues would inevitably say, “Oh, then I’m totally at ease.” I was constantly named “Employee of the Year,” with generous bonuses every year.
Later, I started my own business. Within just three months, I had broken into the market and started making money. By the fifth month, I was earning twice my previous salary. Growth was steady month after month. Right when the business needed more hands, I serendipitously met an amazing partner, and the company reached a whole new level.
Really, it seemed like at every step, whatever I needed, a pair of hands would always place it right in front of me, just in time.
My Two Girls: Ellie & Mia
Meet Ellie, My Firstborn
In 2020, my husband and I decided to have a child. After trying for over a year, we finally got the news in 2021 that a little one was on the way. In 2022, we welcomed our first child, Ellie. She made me a mother.
She is utterly adorable—big eyes, rosy skin, chubby little hands. Every time I look at her, I can’t help but give her a kiss. She is pure joy, and I love her more each day.
But as a first-time mom, I faced unprecedented difficulties. The postpartum tearing wouldn’t heal, and the pain was excruciating. Clogged milk ducts made my breasts hard as rocks. The severe sleep deprivation… And what was even more crushing was that, with zero parenting experience, I was clueless when faced with her unexplained wailing, night terrors, refusal to nurse, constipation, diarrhea, fevers… I desperately searched online, longing for one accurate, truly useful answer!
It was during this time that I thought, once I make it through this “dark” path, I must leave a light on for other new moms.
And Then Came Mia
Ellie had just turned one when I got pregnant again. In 2024, we welcomed our second daughter, Mia.
Completely different from Ellie, Mia is a great eater and sleeper. Although she had her fussy moments in the first two months, starting almost from month three, she became super easygoing. She feeds on schedule, gradually sleeps through the night, loves her solid foods, and adapted quickly when I had to stop breastfeeding due to mastitis.
This made me realize just how vastly different babies can be! It made me even more determined to write about my experiences.
Why I Had to Start This Blog
The Catalyst: A Life Pivoted
After Mia was born, my business also began to decline sharply. I had no choice but to close it and become a full-time mom. My work no longer involves Excel and Word, but instead revolves around changing diapers, washing bottles, making baby food, and managing household chores…
This has been a monumental challenge for me. All my past achievements seem irrelevant now. Managing two young children has brought me a sense of frustration I’ve never known before.
The Daily Reality
They are always fighting over things. When one is in my arms, the other immediately demands to be held too. When I try to cook, Ellie wants me to read her a book. When I attempt to load the washing machine, Mia has a diaper blowout, and I must drop everything to change her…
By the time I finish all that, I see the cup of hot coffee on the table has gone cold again. And it’s not until evening that I remember, “Oh my goodness, the clothes are still in the hamper, unwashed!”
Of course, being a mom is filled with happiness, but that doesn’t negate how hard it is.
My Promise to You
Because I’ve walked this path myself, I won’t just tell you how joyful motherhood is, like many websites do. I want to share my real, unfiltered experiences so every new mom can find a “companion” here.
I want to tell you: you are not alone. What you’re going through, I’ve been there too. Your breakdowns, your helplessness, your moments of losing control—I’ve had them all. You don’t need to feel guilty. This is just a small, necessary stretch of the journey for every mom.
My Hope for This Space
I really want to share my parenting experiences—not just the warm, glowing moments, but to honestly document the pitfalls I’ve stumbled into, the tears I’ve shed, and the “survival wisdom” I’ve scraped together in utter exhaustion.
The Goal: A Mom’s Toolkit
I hope this blog becomes a “mom’s toolkit,” filled not with vague theories, but with:
- Practical Tips: Like how to quickly figure out why a baby is crying, tried-and-true methods for dealing with clogged ducts, or how to efficiently manage the daily grind with twins (or two under two) solo.
- Pitfall Avoidance Guides: Sharing the baby products I regret buying the most, and those “game-changer” parenting hacks. Letting you know which parenting anxieties you can let go of, and which principles are worth holding onto.
- A Community for Moms: I hope my stories connect me with more moms like you. We can cheer each other on in the comments, share our own tricks, turning the storms we face alone into a journey we walk together.
The Bigger Vision
My previous career taught me to analyze data, solve problems, and optimize processes. Now, I’m applying all those skills to this new “position” of Mom. I want to prove that a mom’s value is absolutely not confined to the home. The mindset, resilience, and creativity we built in our careers can shine just as brightly—perhaps even brighter—in this more complex, long-term “project” of raising humans, and can even be transformed into a force that helps others.
My hope is simple: that every mom who opens this blog can let out a sigh of relief and say, “So it’s not just me.” Then, she can find a bit of practical info, a dose of comforting solidarity, and return to her sweet, chaotic mom-life with a little more confidence and a little less weight on her shoulders.
This road? Let’s walk it together.
Re: Losing it in the NICU
Being a NICU mom is the hardest thing that I've ever done in my life. My daughter was born at 26w2d and she spent 83 days in the NICU. I totally understand about the "Groundhog Day" feeling--I felt that a lot. I didn't get to hold my daughter for a little over 3 weeks, but when I did it was so incredibly powerful. It was hard for me at the time to see big pregnant ladies, but for me it has gotten a lot easier. I'm actually going to a baby shower today and feel about 95% ok about it.
Have you done Kangaroo care? Basically, you have the baby lay on your chest, with a blanket over them, and not touch or talk to them. I would do this in between her Hands On times (that's what they called them in my NICU), sometimes for an hour, sometimes for 2. I would play Words with Friends on my phone, or watch TV (we had TVs in the rooms), but it was really helpful. It helped with my milk supply and helped me bond with her. It didn't overstimulate her since she was just lying on me sleeping.
I understand about it being hard seeing people leave the hospital with their baby. At my hospital, the day that we were discharged, I got wheeled out in the wheelchair holding my baby. I got to have the same "new mommy walk" that all the mom's who had term babies did. I can't tell you how emotional and wonderful it was to see people smile at your baby.
And while there will be things that will be different about your baby as far as development, he will probably be caught up by the time he is 1 or 2. Be sure to get him in Early Intervention to help with any physical or developmental delays.
One thing that being a NICU mom has taught me is patience. Things will happen when they happen. The NICU is a marathon, not a sprint. ((hugs))
Me: PCOS DH: Low everything (MFI)
Clomid with TI x 3 2010 BFN
Clomid+IUI+Ovidrel 2010 BFN
IVF w/ICSI #1 2011
9/8/11 Beta #1: 2082!! 9/19/11 Beta#2 34,689!! U/S 9/22/11 HR 127! 11/8/11 HR 150! 12/6/11 HR 136! 12/14/11 HR 139! Born at 26w2d on 2/4/2012! After 83 days in the NICU, Adalyn came home on 4/26/12!
FET 1 3/2013 BFN
FET 2 5/2013 BFN
We call it 'hitting a wall.' There might be more than one wall, though, because sometimes you're forced to get a second wind. I hit my first wall about a month in - then about a week before discharge. The days leading up to the end are the absolute longest, so maybe prepare yourself for that. I had to readmit him after he'd been home a few weeks (only 8 days that time) but I've never been so bitter and depressed in my life (it was 50 days in the first NICU).
It does take time and every baby is different...DS was a bradying fool. He came home on a monitor for four months so that = 6 mo of bradys! Nobody told me that it could take -that- long you know?
Can you tell I'm still bitter, too? It does get easier but it takes time. When they come home it's the best, but NICU doesn't mean they're 'all better' - that annoyed me. People thought that just because he went home he should be acting like a FT baby.
::hugs:: I'm sorry. Sorry I'm lousy, but I don't want to be another 'he'll get it any day now!' 'he just needs to get bigger!' cheerleader. I was so sick of hearing that by the point you're at.
I am so sorry that you are feeling this way but know that there are lots of us who are also going NICU crazy as well.
Our baby has been here since June 13th and we have made the decision to have a little "home time" each moring and evening. It's hard but for sanity's sake it has it's benefits and makes us feel a little more normal.
I am new to the board no new to NICU life since we were here almost a year ago as well.
Please take care of yourself and post as often as you need to for support!
It can be so frustrating...something that helped us was switching from a slow flow nipple to a regular one. Also we asked to go ad lib feeding instead of every 3 hours no matter what. Another thing is sometimes the nurses get busy with their other babies so at some point you might just want to camp out.
On another note, it does get better, I just kept telling myself a year from now everything will be better, and it is!
We'll miss you sweet Debbie Girl (4.21.12) and sweet Cindy Girl (8.9.12)
We'll miss you sweet Debbie Girl (4.21.12) and sweet Cindy Girl (8.9.12)
BFP#2 3/16/11, beta 138; 4/12 Baby/HB DS born 9/10/11 at 29w4d due to partial abruption and PTL
BFP#3 8/19/13 Another boy! 17P, modified bedrest and Nifedipine helped us have a termie! DS2 born 4/19/14 at 38w5d.
Oh hon, I can relate to every single thing you wrote! Only I'm on the other side of it... our 9-week NICU stay is a closed chapter now and even though it feels eternal right now, it really will come to an end and all the wonderfulness of having your sweet baby at home with you will begin.
"Hitting the wall" is a great way to describe it. I hit it about 36-37 weeks too. I had had high hopes of Jack being discharged soon, but his bottle feedings just fell apart and I felt a hopeless, overwhelmed feeling that he could be there for months more. One really bad day (the kind of day it sounds like you've had), I burst into tears in Jack's room in the NICU, three or four different times. I hadn't cried in the NICU since the first or second week! It was just wearing on me.
Please keep your chin up though... everyone kept telling me that once he "got" it, things would happen quickly. And they were right. In our case, it took a powwow with one of his neo's, his nurse that day, the nutritionist, speech therapist, and lactation... we came up with a feeding plan that all nurses had to stick to. Almost as soon as that was implemented, Jack's feeding stamina really took off and he was having his car seat test within a couple of days. It really made a difference to have a plan in place instead of each nurse doing whatever she felt like.
Don't be shy about being proactive and insisting on a feeding plan or at least some goals and a timeframe to shoot for. Obviously no plan comes to fruition perfectly, but at least that way, everyone is working off the same page and you have some kind of timeframe goal.
Hang in there... it WILL get better!! (((hugs)))
BFP 5/21/10, Missed m/c 7/5/10 at 11w3d (baby measured 7wks), D&C 7/7/10
Aug/Sept 2010 - CD3&10 b/w & u/s, genetic testing, SA, HSG, & Lap/Hyst to remove septum
12/09/10 BFP -- 7/05/11 DS born at 33w5d. Came home after 23d in NICU at 37w0d
June 2012 - TTC #2! -- 10/05/12 BFP -- 5/23/13 DS2 born at 37w1d! Yay full term!
Surprise BFP 6/25/14 LO#3 due Feb2015!
I am full fledged doing the ugly cry right now! Your blog post is everything I'm feeling! I often describe this experience as Groundhog Day- don't bother to ask me what day it is, because I don't know. My nicu experience is hopefully ending in the morning, but I've been through this before and don't want to get my hopes up too high tonight.
The best piece of advice one of the nicu nurses gave me is that we had some of the highest paid babysitters watching over our dd right now and we should utilize that time to make sure that we take care of ourselves and each other. And we did. It got easier once dd was taking full bottles though because then I knew that she was being held and coddled every 3 hours. And especially when our primary nurse was working- I knew that she cherished time with my daughter as well, so I would "forfeit" a feeding session so that the nurse could have some time with dd too. It allowed me to go home and get some extra rest or just spend time hanging out in her room. Having dinner earlier than 9 pm! lol
Another piece of advice we got about bottle feeding from a nurse was that it would happen overnight- and it did. I litterally came in one morning and was told that dd had taken all of her feedings by bottle overnight, which meant that she had full bottles for the past 24 hours! Your baby will get there, in time, in his own time.
I hope that your time in the nicu ends soon.
Clearly I should've noticed the date! lol
read further on your blog to see that you're already home! congratulations!