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I feel blue

str8otastr8ota member
in Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

I really thought with the holidays it would change my mood but it really hasn't.  Yesterday I had a hard time accepting it was my birthday, all I kept thinking was I'm 34 and no baby. It didn't seem like my bday, it just seemed like another day I had go through feeling sad because I loss my baby.

My friends are trying to cheer me up, last night they took me to dinner and a movie and during dinner the conversation turned to children (5 friends, they all have children ranging from 7 months to 8 years, you do the math), I mean how can you have a 2 hour dinner without the mention of 8 children and I don't expect them not to talk about them, I love hearing all the crazy stories but at the same time it just breaks my heart for what I don't have.  Plus we saw the movie 4 Christmases which I thought would be fine but there was one part in the movie where I started crying during the movie.  All I can think about all of the time is Patrick.

I told myself I was not going to let my age bother me because I don't have a child though right now I feel no where near that happening, I feel hopeless.

Now I'm watching a bunch of Hallmark Christmas movies and really, they suck.

Things are going to get better right?

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Re: I feel blue

  • jeffraejeffrae member

    oh, ::big squeeze::, I can't even imagine what you are feeling right now. 

    I am going to tell you a story about my MIL in hopes it will lift your spirits for what you are feeling right now.  MIL was 28 with her first child, no problems at all.  Well, she started trying two years later at 30 or 31 and had two early m/c before 8 weeks.  Back then (60's) you had to wait 6 months to TTC after a loss.  She got pregnant again around 33 and had a late loss.  She did not lose hope or faith (very faithful woman) and held onto her dream of her second baby.  When she was 35 she got pregnant again and that was DH.  So her miracle baby is my wonderful husband.

    I hope that story helped you keep hope!

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  • jeffraejeffrae member
    And I know you don't feel like celebrating, but happy birthday!
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  • str8otastr8ota member
    Thanks, it does make me feel better.  I did keep telling myself I was not going to let my age bother me, but just for some reason I couldn't control the tears, I just don't know what it was yesterday.  Up until yesterday I kept reminding myself there are all these women who are having babies in their 40's, I think now that it's actually not 11/29 maybe I can stop focusing on my age.
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  • CleryClery
    It's hard not to feel down with all that's going on. Hang in there, you still have time.
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  • M.L.EM.L.E
    I am so sorry for everything you are going through right now.  And it's only been a little over 2 weeks since you lost Patrick, so the pain must still be very raw.  Unfortunately, there are no magic words I can say to make you feel better.  I am having a D&C tomorrow, and I am turning 32 in a couple of months, so I too think about my age.  But I keep reminding myself that 32 (and 34) is not too old to have a healthy baby.  I work at a large hospital on a postpartum floor where we have over 500 births a month.  I always find myself counting all the women who are older and younger than me, and I always fall right in the middle or more towards the younger side.  The oldest mom I have seen is 56!  So I know since it's your birthday and you feel hopeless, please know that you are not too old and that yes, things will get better.
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  • superauntsuperaunt member

    It's OK to feel this way - and you're not alone. I'm 36 and childless while everyone around me, including my own niece, have kids. It's hard but what can I do about it other than *believe* that my time will come again - as will yours.  Patrick will always be your baby and it's going to take some time yet to be able to move forward - but you'll never forget your loss, nor should you.

    I, too, saw Four Xmases. I went on Wednesday alone because I was sure it was a "safe" movie to see and I wanted to wait out horrid traffic. I'm pretty sure i was the only person to shed tears in that theatre.

    I understand. 

    You're not alone.

    It's OK to feel what you're feeling - let it all out. Don't try to hold it in.

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  • beckastarbeckastar

    I'm so sorry you're feeling so down.  I hope and pray that things get easier for you as time goes on.  You'll never, ever forget Patrick, but I hope time will help you heal.

     And, happy birthday, even though you're bummed about it.

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  • MerryMarisaMerryMarisa

    Oh hon, I'm so sorry.  Your feelings are totally normal.  I had the same feelings - I just turned 36 last week, I've been TTC #1 for a little over 3 yrs and on my birthday, I felt like I had nothing to show for it but five miserable m/c's.  I felt awful and just didn't see hope that day, you know?  I understand how you're feeling.

    Does it get better?  It does.  I have a great support system and ended up feeling very loved by my family and friends on my birthday - this was really helpful in lifting my spirits.

    I know you're not in the mood now but here goes - HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

    ((( BIG HUGS )))

     

     

    TTC #1 w/ endo since Sept 2005. After many losses, a lap, tons of meds and tons of testing and, one failed IVF cycle, we were blown away with a surprise, sticky BFP...it's a girl!!! Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
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  • aj1028aj1028

    Big hug to you!!! I'm so sorry about your loss of Patrick and know that a part of him will always be with you.

    I am so sorry that you are blue and at your wits end. That is really hard and I think many of us on this board know exactly what you mean. You are still very young, and have so much to look forward to! I know it's hard, just know you have so much support and love here at this board and we're always here for you.

    Hang in there and keep us posted... Your BFP will come soon.

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  • waitingforbaby#2waitingforbaby#2
    I just wanted to give you a virtual (hug). I'm so sorry for your loss.....
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