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mrsjoshuaduhon
member
Anyone else with inlaw problems?
mrsjoshuaduhon
member
in Baby Showers
Back story: DH's dad was never respectful to me. Dh's parents didn't want us to get married. At our wedding my mil had a first dance with my husband before I got to. My husband never stood up for me to his parents. After we got married his parents started drama he FINALLY stood up for me and pretty much they acted like he was possed and didn't understand why calling me a *** would piss him off. Needless to say they were out of our lives for the first 9 months of our marriage bc of it. His family blamed me. Now they are back in our lives and his dad has come to be very nice and I am fine with being around him. His sister thinks its all DH and I's fault for the fight and won't let things go. MIL, dh, and I have a ok relationship. I can handle her in small doses. The rest of his family other than grandparents think its all my fault. Although I was the one who pushed DH to return phone calls etc.
Sorry was so long but here is my question.. My mil wants to throw me a shower, but I don't talk to anyone on that side the family. We have spent all holidays with my family since they live 3 hours away we don't have time to go to both. So I haven't even seen/talked to any of DH's family except parents and grandparents. She refuses to not throw me a shower, but I think it will be terribly awkward and if anyone comes it will be for MIL not for me. Which doesn't bother me, but I'd like to know how did you handle this. Did inlaws come? Anything.
Please do not tell me just be an adult and ask her not to throw a shower I have. Even if I finally get her to say I won't throw a shower she still will. Pretty much she thinks this is her child cooking in my oven and I will hand he/she over at birth. She would be one of those grandmothers who would try and breastfeed my baby. Yes weird I know. I have already warned DH that if she did that she would never see LO again.
So sorry this was so long.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Anyone else with inlaw problems?
DH's dad was never respectful to me. Dh's parents didn't want us to get married. At our wedding my mil had a first dance with my husband before I got to. My husband never stood up for me to his parents.
This struck a chord with me. My parents and my DH do not get along, and my parents don't like him at all, and it didn't matter how hard DH tried to get along with them. So you know what I did? I told them they could either get with the program or get out, and if anyone asked me to choose between them and my DH, I would always choose my DH. I give your H props for FINALLY standing up for you after you got married, but he should have done it long before then- and the fact that his family still thinks that this situation is solely your fault is disturbing to say the least. Your DH should be the person who defends and supports you above all others, and if you can't rely on him to do that- well, then. as we say around the Bump and the Nest, you don't have an IL problem. You have a DH problem.
TBH, I think you should let your DH handle this. They may take it better coming from him. He needs to make it very clear that this is not what you want. If he won't do that, I don't know how to advise you.
Also, are you serious about the breastfeeding thing? Is this something she would actually do? If so, she's nuttier than squirrel poo and I would avoid her at all costs. I wouldn't, however, expect backup from your DH on that.
I'm very confused by the MIL trying to breast feed comment in the end of your post, is your MIL even capable of breastfeeding still? Weird.
I don't understand what you are trying to gain from this post? Encouragement? You're not going to get sympathy or people persuading you to have a shower thrown for you, and honestly it is not that hard to decline one.
On a side note if you have problems with your husbands family maybe splitting holidays might help?
Why did you all start seeing them again? It doesn't sound like the issues are really resolved - especially if everyone thinks everything is you rfault. Who's feeding that to them? Oh yeah..... probably your IL's.
What actually bothers me is this:
We have spent all holidays with my family since they live 3 hours away we don't have time to go to both. So I haven't even seen/talked to any of DH's family except parents and grandparents.
In the end, if your DH doesn't have a problem w/ this, then so be it. But this is SOOOOOO patently unfair. You all spend NO holidays w/ his family because yours is 3 hours away? REALLY? 3 hours isn't THAT far that you can't see your family at other times of the year. And then you wonder why his fmaily doesn't like you? Eh- I wouldn't like you either if you insisted that all holidays be spent w/ your family.
And if your DH does go along w/ this w/o complaint, well then - I'd actually say that this is "who" he is - he just goes along w/ whoever is leading the charge. Whether it be his parents or now his wife. He just sits back and lets life happen around him and doesn't speak up - for anything.
So- I'm actually Team MIL on this one. You spend NO Holidays w/ their family, you make no effort to get to know them. Suck it up and let her throw this shower and finally use it as a chance to know his family.
Damn - you really sound selfish.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm pretty much in agreement with ECB.
The time to start making an effort to get to know and build relationships with your ILs is NOW. Daughter-in-laws need to make an effort too.
And stop worrying about what your MIL may or may not do with LO. Know that she WILL do and say things that shock and suprise you. But know that the reverse is true too. Yes LO is your child, however the point is that you will have differences of opinion. If she does something you are uncomfotable with just intervene, "MIL, babies are now put to sleep on their backs 100% of the time." Honestly your comment about breast feeding is just bizarre.
This exactly. When I read that in the OPs post I thought "Didn't she just answer her own question?" OP, if MIL will throw one no matter what you can either suck it up and go or not show up and cause an even bigger rift.
This. Sounds like they are making an effort, so you can too.
WTF to all of this?!
1. How in the hell did you/your DH allow him to have the first dance with his mother?!
2. Breastfeeding?!?!?! huh?!?!
The breast feeding thing was a joke, but I would litterly never put her past it. She still says how much she loved breastfeeding. He does stick up for me now. 100 percent. Right now he would rather not see his family then have to keep dealing with it. It's not really his imediate family just his cousins and we never see them so it's not a big deal.
But DH has told them we don't want a shower, but it really won't work. That's why I was looking for advice and stories of if anyone had to deal with this.
Thanks!
Ok maybe I wasn't clear. I know I can't get out the shower. That wasn't my question. My thing was has anyone else had to deal with a situation like this. The shower doesn't bother me. The fact that we don't talk to his cousins and aunts and that will be the people she invites to the shower bothers me since we do not talk to them.
Yes, my husband is very very laid back, but after driving 6 hours in 1 day makes you tired and not want to drive another 1 to see his family. My DH sees how my family was here for us anything we need my family will always help. Not only finacially, but like fixing things around the house and things like that.
His family does not ever really make an effort to spend time with us. Yes, the shower they do, but we always call to see them. Make plans with them etc. But I do make an effort. I am the one who pushes my husband to make plans with his parents. I am the one who reminds him to call them. I am the one who buys there mothers day/fathers day card birthday cards and presents. My husband is so aggravated with the past that he doesn't care one way or another.
The only advice I can give you, then, is to say no. If you really don't want a shower, you don't have to have one. There might be some fallout, but it doesn't sound like you or your DH particularly care about that. If your DH honestly doesn't care, then what's the issue?
Also, I can see their point about the holidays. TBH, driving seven hours isn't that much different than driving six. As the future mother of a son- if my son's wife and my son weren't willing to drive one extra hour to see me after they'd already driven six on Christmas, Mother's Day or anything like that, I would be hurt. Severely hurt. And after I put up with that for a while I wouldn't want to make the effort to see my child and his wife if they wouldn't/couldn't make the effort to see me.
It's not that hard, OP- and I speak as someone who had to travel 12 hours one way to see my mother's family for every major holiday and will now have to travel cross-continentally to see mine. Considering the fact that seeing my family would require several thousand dollars and an expensive plane ticket (which, yes, was my choice), I don't have much sympathy for a single extra hour on a trip you've already made. Actions speak louder than words, OP, and spending every single holiday with your family when it wouldn't take that much time and effort to spend time with his says something pretty loudly, no matter what else you do. Saying that you make a lot of effort and then saying in the same breath that you won't drive an extra hour doesn't prove your point.
Soooo.....you just wanted to hear that someone else is exactly like you? Or you just wanted a poor you poor you?
You do NOT have to have a shower if you don't want one. However, if you are trying to repair the rift, I don't see why you wouldn't want one. If any of the family members think you're a big B, they won't come. And if they do, I think people would notice if they're being outwardly hostile to the MTB. In the end, someone from his family wants to do something nice for you. This is not a poor you moment.
Like really? You can not read? Is that the issue here?
I do not want a pitty party. I don't need anyones pitty. And yes after driving 6 hours and there's only 24 hours in a day and having to travel another hour each way is a lot of driving. And sorry, but I don't see how anyone wants to sit in a car for 8 hours in 1 day.
But I don't want your pitty by any means. I was wondering if anyone else had a situation like this that turned out well or not so well. Again since it seems like you can't read I know I can not get out the shower. And as far as the holidays I am all for spending a diff day with them either the day before or after. But I figure the family who doesn't put my husbands *** on the street because he won't do exactly what they want doesn't get top priority for holidays when my family is ALWAYS there for us.
op,
I have a feeling that this is your first baby.
I had a really difficult time with my inlaws when I had my son (we actually had him and then got married when he was almost a year old). My husbands family had a real problem with boundaries and we had a REALLY rocky relationship.
What happened to turn it around though was this: they are the grandparents of my child. I had to look at it as a mother and at the end of the day my son would benefit from having them in his life as much as possible and so it became my responsibility to find a way to make it work. Which meant taking the extra time to visit on holidays, even if it was inconvenient for me. Which meant really making an effort to ensure that there was a good relationship. It was in my child's best interest.
It may be different in your situation, and if this IS your first baby this is something that virtually everyone needs to work out with their inlaws. Not uncommon.
good luck
Yes, this is my first child. And I would never stand in between my inlaws and their grandchikd. That would never be ok with me. Because I could never imagine my life without my grandparents. But the only holidays that have come up so far are mothers/fathers day. And seeing as my dad was in the hospital this year we deff saw him.
But I am all for working things out with the inlaws. But I will only meet them half way. As long as they are respectful with my husband and I.
The shower doesn't bother me to bad just the fact that people I never see or talk to will be there and my husband and I never get invited to events with them so I think it will be kinda weird getting invited to something for me. I just know I am not the first woman to have issues with her inlaws and I won't be the last. But I figured someone else would be in this situation.
Apparently you do want "pitty" since you've posted for advice about something you don't really need advice on. If you know you can't get out of it, then what you should have done is opened your mouth and said, "I don't want a shower. Thank you." Either that, or don't show up to the shower that YOU DON'T WANT. Since you don't seem to care at all about your IL's relationship with you, I'm not sure how this is an issue.
And if your H has no relationship with his parents, how on earth is your child going to have a relationship with his/her grandparents? You say you won't stand in the way--- but that's exactly what you're doing. I get seeing your dad because he was in the hospital- but your attitude (MY family is ALWAYS there for us) seems like the deck is pretty clearly stacked in your family's favor.
If you make it clear that someone is not a priority (and trust me, you have, even if you've never said it), why on earth should they expand the time and energy to meet you halfway or be respectful? You have to give respect to get respect. You can't just demand it. 8 hours in a car isn't that much at all if the person you're going to see is worth it. The fact that your MIL is offering to throw you a shower is pretty damned generous and, frankly, more than I would do if I was in her situation.
You're pitching a fit with a bunch of internet strangers, being sarcastic, and acting like a brat, so it doesn't surprise me that you're in this mess.
For the record, yes, I can read. Quite well, in fact. It doesn't seem that it's my comprehension that's an issue here.
It sounds like you have a strained relationship with you IL's extended family. If you know you are going to have the shower not matter what, then I would stop worrying about who is going to be invited to it. They will either show up or not and either give you gifts or not. Perhaps the shower and the birth of the baby will have a healing effect and once people are around you more then they will get over whatever their issues were in the past.
MIL's can be difficult. I have one too. But, if you are committed to having a relationship with them or having your child have a relationship with them, then you need to work on things. That may mean not going to your family's for one holiday a year and going to his instead. As I understood it the 6 hours is round trip up and back to your parents (?). Although, I guess I don't understand why you drive it all in one day and don't spend the night. If you spend a holiday with your IL's instead, then you won't have to do nearly that much driving. Also, once you have the baby you may want to host a holiday. You can have his family over. Or invite both families and let yours come to you. There are lots of options here.
Of course, if YH doesn't want to spend any holidays with his family then that is a different issue, but understand that they will most likely blame you for that, even if it's him. That's just how it usually works with IL's.
You must have a comprehension problem here. I did tell her I don't want a shower, my bestfriend will be throwing a shower and she will be invited to that one.
And my hubby does have a relationship with his parents it just isn't the best of relationships.
I won't stand in the way on my lo seeing hubbys parents. But I won't make a 100 percent of the effort. Do you make a 100 percent of the effort in ALL your relationships? No you can't that would drain you. We also don't spend the night because my husband works Saturdays. Last few holidays have been on Sundays so we meet up with my grandparents and all drive down to my family. And Yes I made it extremly clear that my family is first prio. When hubby and I were first dating I spent ALL holidays with them. Every single holiday until Easter was spent with them. And my family got the days before and after.
You may want to reread bc it really seems you can't infact read.
OP, it seems like this is what you want to hear... No, we have never been through anything like that, we all love our inlaws. Sorry.
If that's all you wanted to know, why bother with all of the extraneous information?
My mil wants to throw me a shower, but I don't talk to anyone on that side the family.
You never mentioned your best friend once. Therefore, it is not my comprehension that's the issue. I can, at least, spell the word "pity". "In fact" is two words. Also, "prio" is not a shortened version of the word "priority". You are not making 100 percent of the effort. You're not making any effort. Dating and being married are two completely different things- and in families, you can't use "time served" (ie, the holidays you spent with them when you were dating) as something you can bank on later. In laws aren't the prison system.
Ipso facto, you are being a selfish brat. Just the perspective of a random Internet stranger who you will never meet, which is presumably why you posted here in the first place. Also (to steal some parlance from around the Nest)- when a bunch of women of different socio-economic backgrounds, religions, races etc. tell you that you're being wrong? The problem isn't their comprehension, it's your attitude.
So, all right, OP. I'll tell you what you want to hear, since clearly that's the whole purpose of your post in the first place.
You are right. Everyone else is stupid and cannot read. Nobody has issues with their inlaws. You are completely, totally in the right for blasting us (use of a quote button would work well here, for future reference) for any comprehension issues when we didn't get all the information from you in the first place. Clearly, the problem is with other people. Your inlaws are entirely, solely to blame for your crappy relationship with them. You shouldn't have to do ANYTHING you don't want to do! After all, being an adult and a soon-to-be mom is all about having other people do what YOU want them to do!
Is that sufficient? I'm done. It's like banging my head against a wall.
Do you still not understand the point of all this? The point was has anyone else been in a situation like this. What don't you understand about that?
I AM not asking anyone to tell me I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. Since I'm a spoiled brat. I learned that a LONG time ago. You can imagine I don't do many things
You still aren't getting it are you? I know I'm not the only person with IL issues.
Let me repeat that so you understand. I know that I am not the only person in the world with IL problems. Did you understand that?
I am not posting here as a way to get out of having this shower. I realize in order to have a civil relationship with my IL's that I need to let them throw the shower.
I don't need anyone to tell me if I don't want to do something I don't have to. Since you know that I'm a spoiled brat I'm sure you figured out that I have known for a long time I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. Please give me some credit.
Maybe I left out details you may have seen important, but the whole post was asking if anyone had been in a situation like this before. Seeing as IL problems aren't uncommon. And yes my IL's are a priority they just aren't at the top of the list.
I'm done replying if you can not even see I am not looking for you to tell me I need to have the shower. I stated upfront there wasn't really a way out of it.
OP: I know this wasn't what your initial point was about, but the holiday situation is annoying the crap out of me. Seeing only your family for every holiday is incredibly selfish and unfair of you. I get the distance, because my family is 3 hours away (DHs family is in town). We don't stress ourselves out trying to see both families on the day of each major holiday... but we DO split the holidays between families. We spend Christmas day with one family, and Easter and Thanksgiving of that year with the other family. Then the next year we switch.
MIL still complains about how I'm taking her son away from her every time we do Christmas with my family, but I know we're being fair, so I don't really let it bug me. You're putting in zero effort w/ your husbands family, and you have no good excuse for that.
I got your point, OP. That was fairly clear. What I, and Sherbet Lemon, and several other PPs have tried to tell you repeatedly is that your in law "issues" are a direct correlation of your own selfish behavior. You may not be a brat in real life, but you're certainly acting like one.
We all have in law issues. It would be unrealistic to think that we didn't. But it's frankly delusional to treat your ILs as if they don't matter and as if they aren't a priority (because you are, whether you realize it or not) and then expect respect or for them to even meet you halfway.
Let me bold the salient points here.
If you're leaving out details (important ones, like who is actually throwing your shower- your MIL or your best friend?), how are we supposed to help you?
If all you wanted to know was if other people have IL issues, then why all the extra detail? It sounds like you just wanted people to tell you that your ILs suck and you're awesome. But I can see why they feel the way they do.
Etiquette basically dictates that if you pitch fits, act like a brat, and tell people they're stupid, they're not going to fall all over themselves to pat you on the head.
It doesn't surprise me that you're having these issues if you act like this with Internet strangers.
You're not hearing what you want to hear, so you're acting like it's everyone else's issue. Sorry to tell you, OP, that it is not.
Yes, we get it. No one else has been in your situation. Go away.