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November 2012 Moms
CandaceLeigh
member
Girl Fight...
CandaceLeigh
member
I've always been more of a guys' girl than a girls' girl and so I suck at "girl fights."
My SIL and I got into an argument Monday night over something stupid that happend 2 years ago. I don't think I did anything wrong, but she thinks my actions were wrong. My SIL holds grudges to the death, where I am an extremely forgiving person. She said some pretty ugly things to me Monday night because she was angry and I bit my tongue. I left. I wrote her and my brother (who is out on site and wasn't there) a message on FB explaining the situation. I apologized (even though I still don't think what I did was wrong). I told her that she hurt my feelings with some of the things she said, but I understand she was angry. I told them both that I loved them and wanted to talk about it. I've heard nothing from either one and honestly haven't expected to, but I guess I'm questioning where we go from here. My brother's in the oil field and they won't see each other until tomorrow night, so I'll give them a bit longer to process and respond. How long is too long? I don't like to let things fester, but she's a grudge holder, so we're different. They move in 4 weeks and I would like this resolved before then, but the ball is in their court. If it isn't resolved, I feel like it will tear my family apart. Meaning that we'll go from seeing each other quite often to seeing each other at Easter and Christmas.
What would you do?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Girl Fight...
The ball is in her court.
However, I am really curious as to what could happen 2 years ago that she is still mad at. I'm nosey, do you mind sharing?
BFP #1- 11/7/10 ~EDD 7/20/11 ~M/C (bo) 12/6/10 @ 8wks ~Missing my Little Firework
BFP #2- 9/11/11 ~EDD 5/25/12 ~M/C (mmc10w)11/4/11 @ 11wks ~Missing my May Flower
BFP #3- 02/21/12 ~EDD 11/1/12 Audrey Lee Born 11/4/2012
BFP #4 ~EDD 6/20/14 stick baby stick!
Short version- I walked out of their wedding reception.
Weeeellllll Christmas of 2009, I announced my pregnancy to our family. First grandchild on both sides; everyone was ecstatic. A month later, I get a phone call (on my birthday) from my brother freaking out because he'd just found out his gf was pregnant. We were raised in an uber religious home, so this was big time taboo. He said he thought they were going to have to get married and was just really worried about what everyone would think. Long story short, they did get married. Circumstances weren't ideal, but everyone was supportive of the relationship and the happy for the child coming. I was super excited not to have to go through pregnancy alone!
Back to the juicy parts- I'd offered to throw a bridal shower or a small bachelorette thing for my SIL. She said no that there was no time. Then I get an invite in the mail to a shower thrown by her bridesmaids. This was how I found out I wasn't in the wedding. My pregnant hormone's feelings were really hurt by everything, but I kept my mouth shut because they were stressed out enough. I get a phone call the afternoon of the rehearsal from my mother asking me if I had the address for the church. I told her I wasn't going because I wasn't in the wedding. She threw a fit that I was his sister and should be more supportive. I wasn't being a brat. I was following wedding etiquette; if you're not in the wedding, you don't go to the rehearsal. So I called my husband home from his golf game early and told him we had to go. We show up to the church and my husband and I sat in the back really not sure what we were expected to do. Two of my brother's friends asked me why I wasn't in the wedding. Really awkward and uncomfortable. I was introduced to no one else. Again, really uncomfortable. We're getting ready to leave and my mother asks if we're going to follow them to the rehearsal dinner. This time I saved myself the lecture and just asked, "Are we supposed to go to that, too?" She just rolled her eyes and said "Do what you want." Again, not being a brat, but there was ZERO communication going on about any of this. So we go to the rehearsal dinner. We're seated on the end of the table with the bride's parents and a bridesmaid's husband who barely speaks English. I wasn't even seated with my own family or near anyone I knew. We attempted small talk, but spent most of the evening in silence. I didn't dare get up from the table lest I get another lecture from my mother. At the end of dinner we left with everyone else. Needless to say an incredibly awkward and unpleasant evening for my husband and myself, but whatever.
Next day is wedding day. My mother calls to tell me they're on their way to the church. She asked how soon I would be ready. I told her the wedding isn't until 6 and it's roughly noon, so not for another 5 hours or so. Again with the lecture about being supportive. At this point, I'm totally frustrated. I'm just a wedding guest, so there's no need for me to show up this early, but apparently I'm not being a good sibling. My husband and I finish getting ready and head to the church a few hours early. Even though I only knew the bride, I was going to "hang out with the girls." I head to the room where the moms, bride and bridesmaids are all getting ready. My SIL's mother tells me "she doesn't want anyone to see her. Sorry!" So I'm turned away. I go to be with the groomsmen. At least the groom and one groomsman are my brothers, surely they'll let me play. Nope. Boys time. So for the next few hours, I helped the wedding coordinator set up the reception hall. I didn't know what else to do and my poor hormones were exhausted. I reserved a seat next to my parents during the ceremony and waited until the wedding was over. The guests headed to the reception hall, but I sayted thinking we'd be wanted for pictures. The photographer had to suggest that my husband and I be included in the family picture. It was embarrassing. At this point, one of the bridesmaids says, "OMG! You're his sister! I've been wondering who this creepy pregnant lady is that shows up to everything!" Classy right? I just smiled and made no comment. I mean really, what do you say to that? After the picture, we head to the reception hall where there is no seating left. My husband and I stand against a wall and just wait. One of my father's friends gave up his chair for me. Fast forward through dinner and cake cutting and the other crap that happens at weddings. My brother had been socializing with folks and finally made it over to our table. We spoke for a moment and he made a comment about the marriage license, certificate thing. I told him "Don't forget to make an extra copy for you to have when you mail it off." He started yelling at me in the middle of the reception about being a grown ass man and handling his own business. My dad calmed him down and the two of them went somewhere else. I was done at this point. I couldn't take any more embarrassment. My husband and I said a few quick goodbyes to those at the table and we left. My mother chased us into the parking lot still yelling about being supportive. I told her I'd been humiliated enough and I was going home. We got in the car and left. Apparently after we left, I was called to make a toast at the reception and it was sooo embarrassing for them because I had left.
On Monday, my SIL made some snide comment about it and I reminded her that I left because my brother yelled at me during the reception. She went off. I didn't know she still harboured so much anger over this. A year after the wedding, she apologized for not including me in the bridal party and how that must have hurt my feelings. I'd forgiven her before then, but that day I truly laid all of this ridiculousness to rest. It didn't matter anymore. I guess she hadn't. I told ya. She's a grudge holder. My brother and I talked about it two or three weeks after the wedding and we laid our beef to rest then. If he's still angry about it, it's news to me. Like I said, the whole thing is stupid. I'm kind of embarrassed to recount it all again for you laides.
Candace, you are a much better person than I am. If this is what she picked a fight with you about a few days ago I would not have apologized. Period. Yes, your brother and her were inconsiderate at their wedding. But after a year(s) you do NOT get to pick fights over that crap especially since she was in the wrong during the wedding planning. (we can hope she was just stressed and hormonal and forgot to include you because she wasn't used to having a SIL yet).
I would find this so petty and a very silly thing for them to decide to tear your family apart over. However, if she is determined to do so, no amount of you begging/groveling/apologizing is going to make a difference. And if I might be cynical, she might be enjoying holding this crap over you. She really shouldn't stress out a pregnant lady. Bad enough she did it last time, now this time too.
Thank you. She's not good about seeing another person's persepective and there's no point in trying to make her understand how awful her wedding weekend was for me and all that led into my leaving. I'm just hoping she will call and we can talk it out (even though I thought we had.) My brothers and I have always been extremely close and I expect him to side with his wife because she's his wife, but I don't want this to go any further. I'm hoping he'll reason with her this weekend when they're together. He's pretty level-headed and doesn't do drama, so I'm hoping he'll encourage her to call.
I had no idea I'd be giving a toast. There was ZERO communication going on. I'm totally down with nice in-laws. I'm just a positive person and don't have time for grudges or other negative behavior.
I feel bad for my youngest brother who's still a bachelor. I'm not rude, but I'm not easy to win over either. And trying to win over my SIL may be next to impossible. I've decided to be nice to whoever his future wife is when I meet her because SIL may not be!
::grabs a bat::
She is wrong. You are right. The end.