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January 2013 Moms
Reyka9
member
WWJ13D? re: when to tell
Reyka9
member
(WWJ13D = What Would Jan '13 Do? ;-)
I'm in a sticky situation in that DH and I are moving from NJ to AR the first week of August. DH is actually moving down there next week to start his new job, and DS, the dog and I are staying behind in NJ to finalize things with the sale of our current house.
We haven't told our friends/family of our pregnancy yet. We have two options, and both of them sort of stink:
1. Tell our families (meaning parents and siblings only) in person this weekend, since it will be the last time DH will be around for the next 5 weeks or so. We think it's important to share our news in person. However I'm superstitious about telling so early (I'll only be 8.5 weeks along) and my mom has a BIG mouth and I know she won't be able to keep the news a secret until the end of 1st Tri.
2. Wait to tell until DH comes back to NJ on July 29. I'll be around 14 weeks pregnant at that time, so I like the timing better and no one will need to keep the news a secret. However, we're literally leaving for AR only 3 days later. Our families are already taking our move very hard, especially since they partially see it as us taking DS away from them, so I don't want to make it even crueler by being like "Guess what, we're having another baby... OK see ya!"
What would you do if you were in my shoes? I'm really torn.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: WWJ13D? re: when to tell
1/12/13 DD was born
4/9/16 DS was born
9/17 CP
6/23/18 BFP EDD 3/4/19
Have you had any u/s or anything to verify the baby is ok?
Hard for me to give advice, since I had so much IF that EVERYONE knew we were pg almost immediately--they were such great cheerleaders through IF that we shared right away.
If you'd had an u/s, then you'd have seen a hb, and would be at very low risk for sharing and then having a loss. Also--if you did have a loss, would it be something you kept private or would you want your family's support? If you would share that you had a loss anyway, there's no harm in going ahead and telling.
TTC #1 Since 8/2010
Me: 34, DH: 35 DX: DOR (FSH 14.9, AMH 0.67, AFC ~10) and Egg Quality
IVF #1 Feb 2012. MDFL protocol w/ Met. 7 ER, 0F.
May Donor Egg IVF cycle:3 EF, 1 blast ET 5/12, 2 frosties
BFP 5/21! beta #1 5/22 306 beta #2 5/24 818 beta #3 5/31 15,038.
"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian." --Dennis Wholey
I'd go w/ option 2 b/c they could be upset about not seeing your DS AND the 2nd baby regardless of when you tell them.
IMO you can't help that you're moving and I wouldn't want my family making the move any harder on me, esp. the 5 weeks without my husband, to tell me how even more upset they are.
Yes, I had my first u/s on Monday. We saw the heartbeat but don't know what the heart rate was. I would want my family's support in the event of a loss, of course... but since my mom has a big mouth, I'm afraid that the whole world would know of my pregnancy and then we'd have to "un-tell" everyone, which terrifies me.
I see it going like this... my mom would tell all her friends at work. One of those friends happens to also be friends with one of my aunts, so my aunt would probably find out, and then that aunt would post about it on Facebook. Then it would be FB-official without my consent =
I dunno. I suppose I could really sit my mom down and explain that she can't tell ANYONE until the end of July but I think it would kill her. She's proven to me in the past that she's not the most trustworthy in situations like this as well.
Grr!!!
I agree. I would definitely stress to the people you tell that you'd like them not to talk about it until you're ready to tell other people. Of course you're taking a chance, but hopefully they'll be able to hold out a few more weeks for you and they'll appreciate that you told them.
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There's your answer right there. You don't want to tell this weekend, I can tell by your replies in this post. Your family is going to be sad you're moving with or without a new baby and you can't/aren't changing moving just because they are upset. I would rather tell them in July and then leave 3 days later. You can still talk with them on the phone and it will give them time and space to process it. Plus, you don't have to live the next 5 weeks not only with DH gone but also in constant worry that someone from your family is going to slip and tell the whole world. Keep it in until you are ready!
""No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside."
"On the night you were born, the moon smiled with such wonder that the stars peeked in to see you and the night wind whispered "Life will never be the same." Because there had never been anyone like you... ever in the world." ~ Nancy Tillman
I agree with them. You never know? They may want to help out a little knowing your preggo, going through a move, have a kid already, and husband is gone. That is a lot of work! You may want them around a little. Plus, it does give them time to cope.
Kendall, 1/1/13
I really like the Skype idea. I think it's a nice compromise. Or, could you just tell your family on your own or is that a no-go?
DH really wants to be there in person, not via Skype =
Also, I forgot to mention that DS, the dog and I will be moving into my parents' home for all of July. We're hoping for a July closing on our house so I need to get out of there relatively soon, plus I'll need the help with DS and the poochie. So that makes things tricky as well, since there's a good chance I'll be showing well before the 14-week mark and it will be very hard to hide from my parents if I'm living under their roof for a month. I would hate for one of my parents to flat-out ask me if I'm pregnant and ruin the surprise.
So maybe telling this weekend is the better idea, taking that into consideration?
I may be a little biased because we told our families very early (around 5 weeks-- this is our first and we are just too excited to keep it in!).... but I'd go with option 1. As PP's have said, it would be really helpful for you to have their support while your DS is gone. Plus you've already seen the heartbeat so your risk is pretty low.
On the flip side, I know how you feel about the mom situation. My mom also has a big mouth, but so far she's been pretty good... she's only told one person without my permission (a close family friend), but she swore that person to secrecy until I post about it on Facebook (around 12 weeks probably). She's also been putting a lot of pressure on me to tell other family friends. I did b!tch at her about it though, and explained that I don't want to have to "un-tell" people in the event of a loss and her response was "You won't have to, I would tell them if that were to happen." :-
Either way... GL Reyka!
26 years old, married since June 2009, DS born 1/19/13
Dear Baby Pacheco...
This. Every bit of it...
Id tell them now given everything you said. I would sit your mom down and be VERY clear that she is not to tell anyone under no circumstances, and 'dont make me regret telling you this early." I would be clear wtih her your reasons why - that you do not want all these people to know if you have a loss, but that you want your mom to know because you would need her support (appeal to her that way, that she is so important to get to know before others). I really dont think you can hide it living wtih them...
I do think it will help soften the blow a bit that she will know for a while as oppsed to for a really short time before you leave.
Im also biased as I told my family at 5 weeks (and even earlier with H). They were all very clearly told that it was for their ears only. I told my mom she could tell her 2 BFFs who I like a lot too and trust to be quiet, I think that helped her with keeping the secret, though I know she is dying to share!
11/18/16 missed m/c 9w1
08/03/17 no hb 8w
Thanks for all of your advice, ladies! I truly appreciate your opinions on this matter.
I'm still torn, but leaning toward telling them this weekend. I'm concerned that my dad will be upset and want us to tell our grandparents as well, but if we do that, then all of the aunts/uncles will know and then it will be all over FB. I guess I just need to be prepared for it and ready to start deleting posts from my wall ASAP =
We told our parents at 6 weeks, but asked them to keep quiet. I told them to remember that they would have to untell whoever they told in the event that something happened. This worked out okay; my MIL did spill the beans to BIL's parents (very strange to me) but whatever.
Regarding facebook- you can change the settings to not allow anyone to post on your wall. I did this to avoid any accidental postings and it has worked. Family have been forced to send messages, which are private!
But what happens if someone tags you in a status update? Like "Congrats to @Reyka9, she is going to be a mama again!" Doesn't that still show up in all of your friends' feeds, as well as the poster's friends' feeds?
I believe you can change your settings so that you are unable to be tagged...
I agree with Kayleigh because it sounds like your parents will start noticing your baby bump when you live with them.
"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness." - Eleanor Roosevelt
iiiiinteresting. I will need to look into this. Thanks!
I'm glad someone brought this up! Now maybe I can convince DH that it's okay for my mom to tell all her siblings when she sees them next week in person rather than over the phone a couple weeks later. (DH kind of freaked out b/c he is worried someone will post something on FB before his parents know.)
Anyways, I figured out how to do it:
Click on the down arrow next to "Home" at the very top right of the page.
Click "Privacy Settings"
Next to Timeline and Tagging, click "Edit Settings"
A box should pop up like this:
The first option you can choose No One, and shut your wall off completely so there are no congrats you're pregnant posts.
I don't think you can completely turn off tagging in the sense you can't delete a friend's "Congrats to @Runlong3 on her pregnancy!" post on her wall, but you can prevent the @Runlong3 from actually tagging you.
HTH!
BFP 8.14.15 ~~ Due 4.22.16
You might be my new BFF. Ha ha
Thanks so much!
And I think if you change the 3rd option (review posts friends tag you in before they appear on your timeline) it would prevent tags from appearing on your wall...