Community› The Bump Message Boards› Late Term and Child Loss
Late Term and Child Loss
New Discussion

Good grief, Mom! (a little long, sorry)

lrichmond86lrichmond86 member
in Late Term and Child Loss

My mother and I have never had an easy relationship, but when I got pregnant I really made an effort to connect with her more and things started to get better.  My mom took our loss really hard, and since then she will occasionally talk to me about just how hard it has been... for HER.  She rarely asks how I'm doing with things and often looks to me to help her cope.  I understand that she lost a grandson, but she acts like it has more of an impact on her than it does on me or DH.

Yesterday we were having one of the above mentioned discussions.  Several times she said, "After WE lost the baby..."  Um, I'm sorry... WE didn't lose anything.  I lost my son.  You had nothing to do with that.  You didn't make him.  You didn't grow him.  You didn't labor for 14 hours and deliver him.  Lets give credit where credit is due.  

She then went on to say how she's been considering seeing a medium to try to find some closure.  I know that many people do this, and that's fine, but it's not something that I feel I need to do and I made it clear that if she did decide to do that I did NOT want to know what the medium said.   She goes on to say that, "It's just that it's so hard for me (her) because I (she) never got to see the baby or hold him.  You (me and DH) had that chance.  You had a chance to get closure.  I just want that, too."  WHAT?!  Because I should be happy that I got the chance to hold my dead baby?  Yes, I am profoundly thankful that I had the time that I did with my baby boy, but at the same time it was not a peaceful time.  It was traumatic.  We spent most of the time sobbing over him and then after two hours he was physically taken away from my arms (I was still drugged up and didn't want to hand him over, although now I understand the reasons that I had to).  I don't know what she thinks happened in that room, but it infuriates me that she would have liked to have that experience as well. 

I have worked really hard over the last six months to get to where I am.  I do feel closure.  Of course I'm still sad that I don't have my baby here with me every day like I should, but more often than not I feel peace about what happened.  I know that there is nothing that anyone could have done, myself included, that would have changed the circumstances.  I'm proud of the way that I conduct myself on a daily basis and I'm proud that I have become self-aware enough to know my limits.  I'm proud of that because I have worked hard to achieve it!  I'm tired of having to hold my mom up when I'm just learning to tread water myself.  Isn't it supposed to be the other way around?  The older, wiser mom holding me up when I'm wading my way through the most trying time of my life thus far?  

Sorry for the rant (and sorry for being sorry... I always get yelled at when I apologize of this board lol).  Just needed to get that off my chest.

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

image



Report Reply to Post

Re: Good grief, Mom! (a little long, sorry)

  • tuscanbride2007tuscanbride2007 member

    Ugh. I am sorry that you have to deal with this. Maybe you can suggest that she go to counseling? That way she *might* get the hint that you are not here to console her.

    When Annabelle was born, my mom and her husband flew down for the funeral (about a week later). My mom never even said a thing to me while she was staying in our house about our loss. Then, at one point when she went to take a shower, her husband said, "well, your mom is doing well." Really? My mom is making it through??? Ugh. Family!!

    BFP #1 12.24.07 - DD born @ 39w1d on 08.26.08
    BFP #2 08.04.11 - DD born still @ 37w3d on 03.25.12

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    TTC #3 since May 2012

    BFP #3 12.29.12 - CP @ 4w2d on 01.02.13
    BFP #4 10.17.13 - CP @ 4w2d on 10.23.13
    BFP #5 04.06.14 - MMC 05.07.14

    No longer trying to conceive.

    image    http://oi40.tinypic.com/15czrid.jpg     image

    Report Reply
  • Loading the player...
  • Petunia844Petunia844 member
    My goodness, I'm so sorry... it definitely sounds like she isn't being supportive to you at all.  I don't know what to say, I don't know your mom and don't want to judge her but it sounds like she's being incredibly selfish.  Just big hugs, I hope she wakes up soon and realizes she needs to support her child who lost HER child.
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers 

    CafeMom Tickers

    Married the love of my life 7/11/09 - Our first baby, Peyton Mark, was born sleeping 10/25/11 at 33 weeks - Our second baby, BFP 2/4/12, welcome to the world Raylan! Holy Moly, BPF 2/4/14, please be safe and sound little one!

    My Blog

    Report Reply
  • mollywobbles13mollywobbles13 member
    This could be written about my mother as well. She's made everything about her and her feelings. She got mad at me for not talking to her about my feelings, but when I did it always instantly came back to how she's feeling. She's even go so far as to say in so many words that it affected her more because she thought I was going to die (NOTHING was wrong with me, there was zero reason for any of those thoughts to cross anyone's mind). I told her to look into counseling for grandparents who suffered a loss. I have also read a few books and in them they are pretty clear that a lot of the time the people you would have expected to be there for you won't be. I have personally found that to be 100% true. I've found comfort in places I would have never expected. I've distanced myself from her a bit and it has made me feel better. Maybe try distance for a while. I'm sending a big hug your way though, it's not an easy situation.
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Lilypie First Birthday tickers
    Report Reply
  • weddedwifeweddedwife member

    My mom has not been very supportive either, but in a different way. I've come to accept that I can't control her behavior or how she treats me, but I can control how much that behavior influences me. I suggest you put some distance between the two of you, as you have said- you know your limits. When she says stuff like that you can simply choose not to discuss it with her. And I agree with pp, maybe you can suggest counseling if she persists in bringing this stuff up with you.

    Im sorry you're dealing with this. I wish people would just educate themselves about what to do and what not to do. It doesn't seem so complicated to me, but it must be since lots of us seem to go through this too. Big hugs. 

    Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Lilypie First Birthday tickers
    Report Reply
  • lrichmond86lrichmond86 member
    Thanks, ladies.  To top it off, I got a call from her last night.  They found out that their puppy (the puppy she decided to bring home for herself less than a week after we had to have our own puppy put down shortly after we lost baby Gary) is sick and needs a very expensive operation.  She was hysterical on the phone, telling me that she didn't think my father would pay for it. She said (and I don't remember her exact wording because I was so angry) that she called me first because I know what it's like to lose someone you love.  Ugh.  I was so hurt and angry for her to be so insensitive that cried all night.  I've been working so hard to repair our relationship, but I just don't think I can deal with all her drama.
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

    image



    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"