Do you ever call people out...

anna7602 · June 2012

for their kid's bad behavior?

DD has a friend from school I've mentioned on this board before (she insists on borrowing toys to take home when she comes over to play). There are a lot of weird things about this girl, but I also don't particularly like how she treats DD. She says mean things and is very temperamental and it really stresses me out to have play dates with her or when we suddenly run into her on the playground. DH just got home from running into the girl & her mom at the park and confirmed all of my bad feelings about the girl, telling me about her most recent bratty behavior and asking me why in the world our daughter likes this kid so much. (The girl was particularly mean today, apparently, but wanted DD to join her in everything she did on the playground. Bizarre!)

I've tried to space out play dates and distance ourselves, but summer is upon us and the mom knows DD won't be in summer camp. She's been talking about all these things we can do together with the girls. I've been very noncommital, talking about travel plans we have and visitors who are coming. I could continue this route and just keep turning down invitations. Or I could say, look, your kid doesn't say very nice things to my kid (giving examples) and ask if she knows what's up. I don't mean to be confrontational. Maybe she really doesn't realize how much her D's words hurt? Maybe her child really does like mine and would understand she shouldn't say these things if her mother had a good heart-to-heart with her?

If my child had a ton of other friends here, I would just move on. But, we've been here 5 months and this is one of the only kids who lives close to us and whose mother has the same kind of schedule I do.

Meg&Jesse · June 2012

Eh..I am torn on this issue. I am willing to admit that I am a "different" parent and may not do things the same as other people. My big issue is the technology issue and how often other kids play video games or watch tv. We don't own video games or smart phones, so DS has no exposure to these at home. We have very limited television time. My point is it is difficult when I know that some kids are engaged in these activities often and DS will be exposed to them eventually.

Part of me thinks it is okay for kids to have exposure to things we may not always like, even if that is other kids saying things (like in your situation). At some point our kids will be out there in the world and we won't have all the control we have now.

However, I do think it is appropiate to limit or make some choices on who your children spend time with. We have some friends that parent in a similiar manner and we try to spend time with them.

In your situation I think it is okay to bring it up in a certain way to the mom. Not 100% sure how I would do that, but I think you can gently tell her that her daughter is sometimes hurting your daughter's feelings and you still want to be able to hang out.

I think it is hard, but I am getting this feeling this is something we will be dealing with for a long time as parents!! Good luck!

funchicken · June 2012

I'm really curious about what kinds of mean things these kids are doing. I honestly have never seen any of DD's preschool friends be "mean" beyond having trouble sharing a toy. Occasionally, at the playground I've seen some kids get kind of bossy and territorial about certain playground equipment, but the other kids often address that behavior themselves by not wanting to play with bossy kid or calling bossy kid out.

I'm also really curious about the girl insisting on borrowing a toy when she comes to your house. Is the mom there? Does she go along with the toy borrowing? I think that's very odd. If my DD is particularly interested in a toy at someone else's house, I just tell her she can play with it the next time we come over.

I don't think I'd have the guts to say anything, but if you feel comfortable saying something to the mom it can't hurt, right? Either she gets mad and doesn't want to hang out with you anymore (easier than you trying to make excuses all summer) or she takes it to heart and tries to get her DD to use nicer words.

I hope you figure out a solution! GL!

belladonna11307 · June 2012

If you're going to say something to the mom, I suggest doing it sooner than later. The longer it goes on, the harder it will be to deal with. I'm not there yet with DD, but I think I would start with talking to her about why she likes to spend time with the other child and see how she feels about the mean behaviour. From there I'd talk to the mom, bringing up the good and the bad. At least I think that's what I'd do. Good luck!

3003girl · June 2012

I have a similar, but not that similar, situation. Our "winter" nanny (she runs a farm, so only works for us in the winter) has an older daughter as well as a son LO's age. We are also social with them. The older daughter is mean.

I've decided that the next time she is mean to my LO I am going to say something to her - she is 8. An example of something mean she did to my kid would be generally ignoring my kid when she is speaking directly to her, even saying please. Or my LO was looking at a poster in the 8 year olds room and pointed to the butterfly and said " flies! " which sounded like "fries." the 8 year old laughed at her and said "fries! They are not fries, you are stupid" That time I just spoke directly to my LO and said, yes, they are butterflies, that was great of you to notice - or something to that effect.

Because the kid I'd 8 I feel comfortable speaking to her. If she was younger, I think I would talk to the parent. I'm not sure what I would say though. Maybe more of a conversations than a "I don't want your kid acting/saying things" type of thing. Did you ever say anything abou the toy sharing thing? I thought that was so odd.

funchicken · June 2012

fredalina:
"Mean" things the little girl does to my daughter (who definitely has a bossy streak so I understand that): Says things like, "Go away! You're such a pest. Go away, baby! Go get a diaper, baby! I'm not your friend." Etc etc (not all at once, but she's pretty harsh.) She is also manipulative to get LO in trouble. DH said she told Char that the class bird was really hungry and needed some food, so Char said, "Ok, I'll get you food" and headed off to get her lunch box. DH was intercepting her when the other girl was telling the teacher that Charlotte was feeding the bird, which is against the rules. I've seen her say, "I'll be your friend if you come run around with me" at a time they are supposed to sit and work (Montessori School) and then when Char didn't (probably because I was there lol) she came and yanked her pigtail hard and then in her next lap around the room kicked Charlotte's work mat and work about 4' across the room. This isn't isolated, either. Honestly there's one room where I dread picking up LO if they're working in that room because that girl just acts even more nuts there than outside or in the main classroom. I really have so much respect for her teacher because I want to throttle the girl at least once a week and I see her for 5 minutes or less a day. I think she probably has or deserves a diagnosis, ADD or ODD or both. Her parents seem so nice, too. I won't be doing extracurriculars with her though. Why LO always says this girl is her best friend I'll never understand. There is a little girl closer to LO's age that I am trying to foster an outside relationship with, and it seems to be working as this girl is now the second one mentioned as her best friend.

Wow, that's terrible! Age difference aside, that type of manipulative behavior doesn't seem typical to me. Have you ever talked to the teachers about it? I'm glad your DD is finding another best friend

anna7602 · June 2012

Thanks, everyone. The more I think about it, the more I think I just don't enjoy being around this kid, and especially don't enjoy DD's meltdowns/whining after we've spent time with this kid. Why should I subject myself to her this summer? I'll continue to ponder this, but my urge today is to just turn down the invitations.

To answer MrsZeebride, a lot of the meanness is some of the kind of stuff Fred has already described- calling DD a copycat, etc. Yesterday, for example, she made a big deal of going over to the swings in the park with DD. (DH was with them, I wasn't.) The swings here cost money, and are two-seaters. It's hard to explain, but basically, the system is that if you go with a friend, you get on together. The parents take turns paying for the ride. Well, the child insisted on going over, then freaked the eff out when DD dared try to get on the same swing with her. Then, after DD took her solo swing turn and decided it was boring to do it alone, the girl freaked the eff out again and insisted DD stay, thus making DH pay for yet another ride that DD didn't even enjoy. (And yes, maybe DH should have just packed DD up and gone to another area of the park, but this isn't how it works when 4 and 5 year olds are involved. There would have been tears. It would have gotten even uglier.)

Then, on the way home, the girl started complaining to her mom that DD was "following her." Well, FFS, we all live in the same neighborhood! It's a pretty direct route home from the park. DH confirmed DD wasn't even walking right on top of the girl or insisting on holding her hand or anything. The mom suddenly said they were going to stay back and climb a tree there on the street, basically urging DH and DD to walk on without them.

It stresses me out just to type all this out.

funchicken · June 2012

Anna, it sounds like your daughter doesn't even enjoy playing with this girl. I'd probably just avoid them.

alissadg · June 2012

I'm a teacher, so I have no problem telling kids how they should behave. If it's a stranger in the grocery store it's easier. If it's a neighbor that I see every day, then I probably wouldn't. But if it's someone you see occasionally, and ESPECIALLY if the kiddo is a bad influence on your child, then I would say something. It would get you out of the playdates at least. If the mom gets mad at you, oh well. When I see my child not acting right toward others, I immediately correct it and then have a heart to heart. But not all moms are like that unfortunately.

pitterpatter129 · June 2012

I don't post on here very often, but I teach and see all kinds of crazy. We also had a niece that lived with us. She sounds very similar to the little girl you are discussing. She was eventually labeled with ADHD and an attachment disorder. It's very sad to the parents/caregivers of these children because they do want their children to have friends, but few people want to play with them, for obvious reasons. Sadly, if she does have something that needs diagnosed, very little will change with the mom having a "chat" with her. It will need heavy therapy and possibly medication. I would tell the mom why you don't want a playdate and risk losing the relationship, because it's possible she's only ever heard it from teachers. (And I'm sure she has heard it from the teacher. ) Sometimes hearing it outside of school is what spurs the parents into making a decision to seek help. Personally, I would call the child out on her behavior if the mom isn't, but that's just me. "That's not a nice way to speak to your friends, Suzy." "No, that's our toy and you can play with it next time you visit." Etc.

beth2882 · June 2012

Ok, so first let me say that I am a teacher and am used to calling kids out on their behavior. I even feel like telling kids at the mall to take off their hats (since they can't wear them in school).

So, anyway, I wouldn't have a problem correcting the kid even if the mom is there. In fact, I did this at my DD's last play date and didn't think a thing of it until hours later. As far as talking to the mom about it, I would go ahead and be honest. It doesn't sound like you are champing at the bit to be friends with her so who cares if you offend her? I know you are worried about your DD making friends, but is this really the type of person you want her to be friends with? You could look into playgroups or activities through libraries, churches, and community centers to try to find more options for your DD to make new friends.

anna7602 · June 2012

UPDATE: I spent some time with this girl and her mom today (and DD) and decided not to say anything. Every obnoxious thing the girl did was explained away very quickly by the mother. So, she's either aware of it and working on it, or aware of it and thinking it can be justified, and either way, I'm not sure that what I say would make much of a difference.

At one point, the mom tried to blame the issue on "language" since DD's French isn't that great yet. The girl didn't want DD walking next to her on the sidewalk, she wanted to "be the leader." I think DD understood perfectly well what the girl wanted, but didn't particularly want to be a follower. She insisted they walk next to each other, the girl kept insisting she be the leader. The mother proposed they take turns being leader, and both girls roundly rejected the idea. I can't deal with that all summer. I think I will be happy to not see them again for a while.

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