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Blended Families
The "Step" Title
A few occurances lately;
We've always told the kids I'm their stepmom, not birth mom. I hate the term "real mom"! SD(7) is just now realizing there is a difference. The other day when I picked up the kids from daycare, she said she thought "step" means something bad, and she was getting pretty upset about it. I told her that yes, a lot of people think stepparents are bad, especially in movies, but that's not the case with us, she knows I love her and I know she loves me - and she was okay with that answer.
DH explained to SD that her Grandpa is really DH's stepdad and that Papa (has only been in her life for the past year) is DH's birth dad. I think that helped her understand and see an example of another good stepparent.
We had SD's birthday party last weekend. (we have SS4 too, but this "step" stuff hasn't seemed to affect him yet) A couple of her friends' moms (who I hadn't met before) stayed for the party. They must have assumed I was the kids' mom, because once I mentioned that I was her STEPmom, they backed off and I felt like they just watched me from afar the rest of the night. One of the other moms who lives next to BM only talked to DH and didn't even acknowledge me.
One of the girls at the party asked if I was SD's mom and I said I am her stepmom. The girl's eyes got huge and she said I am an awesome stepmom. She said the stepmom on Cinderella is mean but that I am so nice. She was my favorite for the night. 
I'm just wondering what you all have run into like this, and how do you handle it? I know a couple people use the term "bonus" instead of "step" but I feel like that would require more of an explanation since most people don't know what that term might mean. Thoughts?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: The "Step" Title
Remembering my angel baby, Ezekiel, 09/03/2011...you will forever be in my heart.
We are just getting into this with SD. She told DH that Cinderella had an evil SM and she didn't want a SM anymore. He asked her if I was mean like Cinderella's and she said no so she decided they can keep me. We explained to SD that Mimi is my SM and Granddad is my SD and she loves them so like you that helped.
I try not to refer to her as my SD to others. If they say something about me being mom, as long as BM isn't around I just go with it. It makes everything less complicated. She is with us 50/50 so both BM and I are her gymnastics, tutoring, swim lessons, etc and everyone just knows I'm SM but I don't have any of the side eyes from anyone and no one questions anything. My stepdad never refered to me or my sister as his stepkids. He always just said he had 3 daughters. I think this really helped our relationship as I got older because I never heard "step". I think if you stop saying it people will stop reacting. I promise they will figure it out and when they do they will have already seen you as "mom" so they won't think of you any different. I always just say I have 2 girls. Even at the hospital when I had DD they nurses were confused at first because they knew it was my first but then I had another little girl up there calling DD sister. They figured it out on their own and no one said anything.
This is generally how I handle things as well. I say "my kids/son/daughter" and I will answer yes to "are you the mom?" unless BM is present. If the person is obviously confused or seeking clarification, I'll add the step to it. I will also say step if the person asking is concerned with legal status (doctors office, etc). I feel strongly about not adding step in most circumstances because I don't want the kids to ever feel that I am not "claiming" them, if that makes sense.
I also have experienced negative attitudes towards stepparents from other parents. It is unfortunate, but what can you do other than show them a good example? A lot of people will actually give me "extra credit" because I'm so involved and I'm "just" the stepmom. That (lower standard for steps) annoys me as well because I strongly feel that stepparents are parents, period.
My general philosophy is not to explain or correct people who think I'm SD's mother if they are people that I will never see again (waitresses, etc.). For people that we will interact with on more than one occasion, I do make sure people know that I'm their stepmom. I will introduce myself as SD's stepmom, or DH's wife (depending on how we know the people). I would feel really embarrassed if I didn't know who I was talking to, so I try to avoid putting that on other people.
Honestly I don't correct people when they assume I'm SS's mom. When he was little he would say "no she's not my mom" but now that we are closer and he's older and spends more time with us it's one of those things we both just brush off.
He has called me his parent several times instead of directly saying "my mom" lol SS is the type of kid who speaks his mind so I follow his lead if he calls me his parent or mom I'll roll with it. I know SS and I both wouldn't dare call eachother mom/kid in front of his mom because she is very fragile. We kind of just have a mutual understanding at this point
I can't stand when this happens! It's like as soon as they find out you're the stepmom, it's assumed you can't carry on a conversation or know nothing about the kid. SD's eye dr got so flustered, she kept saying, "you may not know this answer but..." and I'm like of course I do. Why wouldn't I? I've been around since they were almost 4 so yes I can tell you when her last vision exam was cause I'M THE ONE THAT TAKES HER EVERY YEAR!
I have noticed at extracirricular activities, especially if bm is there also, myself and their dad go unnoticed. only by the moms though. other dads don't seem to care and kids don't obviously but women can be vicious. especially if bm is there talking with them and saying who knows what. at sd's(6) first tball practice i went to watch and i could hear her bm and other moms only about 20 feet from me making fun of my purse. pretty much saying it was too large. i thought to myself...thats all you can come up with?? and why don't you watch your daughters play instead of worrying about me and my belongings. but i have just come to realize thats how women are and will be. tomorrow we actually get married and will be officially a blended family with our little one on the way. SD has asked in the past about calling me mom. i know after the wedding she will question it again. i've been in ss life since he was 2 and sd since she was 4. they are with us 50% of the time so i do just as much for and with them with their sports and anything needed so i am mistaken for bm a lot. lucky for me though the kids never correct anybody when they say it. they just go about like its true and i get hugs, kisses and i love you's as much as any other mom or dad. i'm pretty damn lucky actually! unfortunately bm does not like us or like to cooperate with us or just feel the need to be civil most of the time so its a struggle on that end.
My SS4 calls me "momma Corri" and 99% of the time people gather from that the fact that I am his step mom. Unless he is REAL excited (birthday parties, Christmas, etc.) then he lets 'mom' slip.
He used to call me mom all the time so DH and I had to have a talk with him. We made sure that he knew he only had one mom and that it might hurt her feelings if he called me mom. So, he calls me momma Corri & I love it
PS- I thought it was an honor that he would call me mom. We have him Fri-Tue each week so its nice to know I have such an impact on his life!