Haven't spoken to one of my best friends yet

Re: Haven't spoken to one of my best friends yet

• samakasrc member

  June 2012

  mdharrison:

  First off, let me say how sorry I am that you are dealing with this friend.  I think it's incredibly insensitive that she said that everything happens for a reason in reference to your loss.  It's clearly something she does not understand, and it definitely is not something that should be handled with that kind of comment.  

  I can definitely understand not wanting to see friends with children.  I have vehemently ignored one of my closest friend's attempts to reach out and get together because I know she will have her (almost 2 year old) son with her and I get upset even thinking about seeing him right now.  It's bad enough that I get upset at strangers with babies or who are pregnant, I don't need to put myself in the situation with someone I know personally.  

  I remember at Asher's funeral one of FI's family members pulled the "he's in a better place" card when trying to think of what to say.  Ooooh boy.  I could not even believe it.  I didn't even respond to her, just carried on to see other people who were there.  I had a total freak out later that night.  I lost Asher because of meconium aspiration in utero and no one knew until mid-delivery that anything was wrong, and even after he was delivered we didn't know the severity or that he wouldn't make it through the attempts at resuscitation.  Maybe it's because I'm not a religious or spiritual person, but I do not understand how him being dead is better than him being in my arms.  Not cool.  I can't explain it well, but it makes my blood boil even thinking about that again.  

  I have to remind myself that in these situations people who have not been through it reach for any words to say and don't always understand that the words they say impact those with going through the loss the same way it impacts those saying it.  Like at my mother's funeral when people would come up and say "how are you feeling?" to which (depending on the individual asking, obviously gauging the audience on this one) I would respond "like shitt."  I mean, honestly, why would someone ask that?  "oh, peachy. I feel great!" Yeah right.  But at the same time, I've been in the other person's shoes and you really don't always know what to say.  I don't know, I just try my best to brush it off, it infuriates me that people don't think about the weight of their words, but at the same time sometimes they can't understand how their words affect us.  

  I think if she's someone you really want to stay in contact with, and who you are close with you can tell her that those words hurt you and that the comparison between the transplant and your loss was insensitive.  I think it's better to at least get your feelings out on the table to avoid serious future awkwardness and it might help her to see things from your side?  Mind you, I am the master ignorer/avoider since Asher died, so if you wanted to go that route I wouldn't judge you either.  I just think the first route may be better in the long run.  

  Whichever you chose, I think that at least talking about how you are feeling regarding her daughter too.  It may not make sense to her, but it's important to explain why you may be avoiding her.  Once again, better for the long run. 

   

  Lots of hugs your way, Bayberry. 

   

  This exactly - I couldn't have written it this well - but absolutely this.

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• philfemgal member

  June 2012

  I am sorry to hear that your friend is not being supportive.

  I know that some people at work have done the "everything happens for a reason" thing a few times with my wife.  We are not at all religious or spiritual so we don't believe in this sort of idea that there is a bigger plan or anything like that.  I know that with one friend who said this my wife responded very matter of factly and said, "So like what sort of reason do you have in mind?  What would the reason be that our baby died?"  Of course, her friend had no answer for this (because what possible answer could there be!?).

  We try to remind ourselves that most of the time people who say these things are trying to be supportive.  Maybe they mistakenly think that would be a comforting thing to say.  Or maybe they are the kind of person who would actually be comforted by thinking that the death of their loved one was caused by a higher being for a particular reason.  But I think there is nothing wrong with trying to gently indicate that it isn't comforting for you--either by reacting like my wife did or by more directly telling her that that is not comforting.  Of course that is more easily said than done I know!  I am a person who really hates confrontation.

  I have heard from other loss parents, from our own counseling, and from reading this board that friends and family can need a lot of education about how to help someone who is grieving the loss of their child.  People just don't know what to say or do and so ended up reacting in dumb ways that can just be hurtful.  I also try to remember that we too (my wife and I) would have been pretty clueless before this happened to us.  I couldn't have imagined what it would feel like to lose a baby halfway through a pregnancy until it happened to me, so I am sure others who haven't experienced this can't imagine either.

  Of course, only you know if the friendship is worth trying to save.
  

  BFP #1 9/21/11. EDD 6/4/12.  Twins discovered at 8 weeks. Twin B lost at 14 weeks due to megacystis.  Alice Joe born and lost 1/5/12 at 18.5 weeks due to pre-term labor.
  
  BFP #2 7/11/12.  EDD 3/23/13.  Ada Alice born 3/20/13.
  
  
  

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• Bayberry12 member

  June 2012

  mdharrison:

   I have to remind myself that in these situations people who have not been through it reach for any words to say and don't always understand that the words they say impact those with going through the loss the same way it impacts those saying it.  

   I think it's better to at least get your feelings out on the table to avoid serious future awkwardness and it might help her to see things from your side?  Mind you, I am the master ignorer/avoider since Asher died, so if you wanted to go that route I wouldn't judge you either.  I just think the first route may be better in the long run.   

  Everything you said is so full of insight.  Although I am also a "Master Ignorer/avoider", she is a friend I want to keep, and I know it is much better to get things out in the open.  Especially now.

   Philfemgal - You are right, most people don't know what to say or how to handle this kind of thing. Unless you have been through it, you can't know what to say.

  Most of the time I just let it go, thinking to myself they mean well, when they say something I think is stupid.  But when its someone close, it's much easier to let your real feelings out.  

  Thanks for all the reassurance.       

   

  
  

  BFP #1 Jan. 2011 - mmc Mar. 2011 

  BFP #2 Aug. 2011 - My sleeping angel Stella, born April 21, 2012 

  BFP #3 Nov. 2012 - mmc Dec. 2012

  BFP #4 April 2013 - mc May 2013

  BFP #5 Sept. 2013 - EDD 5.24.14

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