In which I confess that I have become crazy
birdie_1010
member
I have three little boys. They are aged 6, 3 and 4 months. My 6 y.o. has an asperger's diagnosis and my 3 y.o. has a PDD-NOS diagnosis. They both have lots of sensory issues and the 3 y.o. also has a diagnosed feeding disorder and a diagnosed sleep disorder and though not diagnosed, has a ton of anxiety and a bit of an OCD flavor to him.
When I found out I was pregnant just over a year ago (it was a surprise) I felt my stomach drop. My mind instantly went to autism. At our 20 week anatomy scan we found out we were having another boy, it was another big blow. I cried for several days thinking about the high probability that we could be having another child that lived with autism.
Then I let it all go. Every morning when I woke up I told myself that he will be what he will be and I can't change that. I can take my prenatal vitamins, eat well and stay healthy, but that is really all I can do.
The first few months after he was born, I was able to mostly keep my mind away from thinking about autism in my new baby boy. He nurses and takes bottles like a champ, he sleeps OK, he doesn't cry all day and night like my 2nd did. I could let it go for now.
However, as he is getting older and reaching more milestones and starting to interact more with us, I am constantly analyzing him. CONSTANTLY. I have started noticing that when I say his name I see him react but he doesn't look towards me. I have to find his eyes a lot. I feel that pit in my stomach every time it happens. I hate that I know now what I am looking for. I want to be blissfully unaware again.
I have to stop myself from googling every day. I cope by knowing more and researching and reading. I want to just see my baby and not look for autism, but I can't let it go. I know I can't change who he is, but this is starting to consume me and I hate it. 
Re: In which I confess that I have become crazy
How are you doing otherwise? That sounds like a ton of stress to deal with. Are you talking to anyone about anxiety, PPD, and/or just for your own mental clarity/health?
We got DD1's ASD dx when DD2 turned one. I had her evaluated at 15 months, three months later, because I was convinced she was on the spectrum as well. She had hardly any words and distinctly gave me little eye contact. Although she acted just fine and typical with everyone else, which was hard for me to recognize at the time.
During her evaluation, the evaluators noted that she was actually a bit socially advanced -- but that she had a noticeable difference in the eye contact with me. When I told my pedi that, she asked how I was doing (not well) and I started going to a therapist for PPA/PPD. I'm on a/ds now that I'm not BFing anymore.
What my pedi knew was that there have been studies showing that babies interact differently with moms who are under a lot of stress and depressed, and it can look like early red flags for autism (less facial affect/expressiveness with mom, less eye contact, etc.). Once I started feeling better, I felt like I could enjoy DD2 (and DD1) more, and our relationship got back on track almost immediately.
Your third DS may be on the spectrum, or he may not. I know how it feels to have that lurking in the back of your head every day, second-guessing every interaction, testing their reactions, etc. IME, at least, having that anxiety pressing in on your everyday interactions can actually affect them, and then that feeds the anxiety, etc.
Just something to consider. **hugs**
DD1, 1/5/2008 ~~~ DD2, 3/17/2010