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Adoption
DanielleJoe09
member
Horrible Adoption Experience
DanielleJoe09
member
in Adoption
Hey ladies, Im not sure how to title this post. I guess thats the first thing that came to mind. We were matched back at the end of January, and our little guy arrived May 23. Things always went pretty smooth with the birth parents. I took her to all her appts and ultrasounds. Things took a turn for the worst in the hospital. We had the worst experiance ever. We literally had 5-6 nurses come up to us and ask what was wrong with these people (birth parents) . It all started when they brought the baby down to our hospital room. The birth father flipped out and started throwing stuff in there private room along with punching the walls. After that we were forced to let them see the baby whenever they requested. During the 2nd night they got in trouble for trying to feed the baby every hour, and then they got in trouble for all 3 of them sleeping in the hospital bed. What a nightmare!!!! They were discharged the following day and had the biggest attitude.
About a week passed and they went to court and signed there rights away. Thats when all the crazyness started. The birth father started texting us calling us liars, manipulators, that we were selfish, and the list goes on. It got so bad that I had to change my cell phone number. Our lawyer also advised that we get a PPO on the birth father. Basically he started to flip out because he thought we were going to bring the baby over anytime that they wanted. Like they got visitations or something. He cant seem to understand that in an open adoption, everything is at our discretion. We had already told them that all future letters, pictures, and such would go through our agency. Ive never felt so disrespected in my life....I guess I should give a little background. Our birth parents are homeless, they have no family, no jobs, no vehicle, no money. When we met them they were sleeping behind a generator in an alley. So basically our situation was that either they went with adoption or the baby would go right to CPS. Our adoption agency has also been horrible. Our facilitator doesnt answer our calls, wont tell these people to back off. Basically she hasnt done anything for us the whole time. Its been a horrible mess, and quite frankly its ruined our adoption experiance. Its really sad to think about, I wish I could put into words all the crazyness we've been through. I swear it'd be 3 pages long. I just wanted to get this all of my chest and see if any of you ladies have been through anything like this on your adoption road.....
Thank you for listening to me ramble
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Horrible Adoption Experience
A situation like this really makes me think about the importance of a good agency. Even if it means paying higher fees, its totally worth it if they provide quality counseling for both sides and be the mediator in situations like this. We considered private adoption but now are so glad we have the protection our agency provides. Sounds like these birthparents need counseling and thats what your paying your agency for!
I'm so sorry to hear that your adoption experience has been ruined. Sounds like all my fears coming to reality. I'm hoping someday you can look at your baby and know that this is all worth it and you would do it again if you had too. This baby is so worth it!
Started TTC January 2007 4 failed IUIs, 2 failed IVFs
2012 - Adopted Child #1
2014- Adopted Child #2
2015 - Fostering Child #3
Check out my infertility turned adoption blog: Discovering Joy In The Storm
Oh I agree totally, our agent promised us from the beginning that she would be counseling these people until the end. I dont know how many times ive called this woman and she doesnt answer. We've just felt very alone this whole time, with no back up from her. I feel like all she has done is collect money...Horrible...We've resorted to getting an adoption lawyer to represent us. They've even called her..Looking at him has been the only thing getting us through right now. He is so precious and innocent.....I always tell everyone that adoption is not a piece of cake. Its the hardest thing we've been through
Thank you for your kind words, they are greatly appreciated
WOW. Sorry for your experience. Hopefully having your son at home with you is providing some joy. Congrats on your LO.
Have you tried to contact the supervisor for the facilitator and fill him/her on the situation? That may help. Also, have your lawyer contact the agency. That may make your facilitator more receptive to answering your calls.
There is a whole lot of crazy in the world. Sorry to hear that you have to deal with this. Luckily, you have a LO to help soften the blow. Good luck.
I"m sorry you had the experience you had. We had almost the opposite experience: wonderful BM who we still see on a regular basis, though DD's BF doesn't want anything to do with her or her adoption.
I will say that, IMO, in open adoption everything is NOT at your discretion. Ideally it's a mutual decision among all parties, but there are extenuating circumstances (such as unstable BPs) that can make that difficult, if not impossible.
It sounds to me like they really wanted to parent their child, but were essentially forced by their circumstances to place him for adoption. And unfortunately that can bring out the worst in people, especially those in desperate straits.
I hope you are able to get some resolution.
I second that in situations like this full service agencies can be a godsend.
Perhaps you can focus on the positives of the situation. I have to admit I cringe a lot at how you have chosen to characterize many events of your child's birth-adoption story.
Phases like 'they got in trouble' as if they are the most idiotic NEW parents in the world for feeding their baby too frequently or asinine for laying together as a family in bed.
While that may not have been hospital policy it doesn't make it real world wrong.
Im curious what your contract states for contact and communication. It sounds like they expected OPEN adoption while you expected semi- open adoption. I don't agree with your choice of words in characterizing the open adoption terms at your discretion. That isn't really what it means.
It sounds like they were between a rock and a hard place and felt judged and betrayed after the baby was born. I REALLY dislike your wording choice as it relates to them 'forcing' you to let them be with their child.
That child is theirs until documents are signed. Your role was to wait for them to give YOU permission to be with the baby not the other way around.
It sounds like they feel they didn't have any other options and if your behaviors around them are similar to the wording choices you made here it gives perspective as to why they became upset with you especially with you changing the definition of open adoption.
I hope that you are able to pause and own what you may have done to escalate the turn in the relationship. Then perhaps you can move forward in a more positive way and find peace in your child's birth story because it is you that will tell them about their adoption and birth story here on out. You don't want it to be filled with hate and judgment.
Ditto all of this. I honestly feel so bad for them. And while I am sure this has been hard on you it Sounds like you guys don't have an ounce of compassion for the parents of your child. If I felt I had to give up my child against my wishes, I would be punching walls and throwing things too.
I hope you and your child's Birthparents are able to get back the relationship you guys once had. It sounds like their experience was a stressful one too, especially if they felt in some way pressured (not saying it was you guys, but the thought of CPS being involved). I do have one question...why did you say you were "forced" to let them see the baby while in the hospital? It seems to me that as painful as it may have been, they were still the parents and they had every right to see their child.
Open adoption is and should always be about the child. It is not about what makes the AP's or BP's comfortable. I wish you the best and pray that all of you make it work.
I agree with the most recent posters. All I could think of when reading your post was, "Walk a mile . . ."
I hope you can focus on the joy this couple has brought to your life.
Sending you hugs and know that I am sharing this w/resepct and hope for you and your family....
Are you in counseling? I really would encourage you to talk w/a a therapist that has experience w/adoption. Your reaction to the situation causes me some concern. From the language you use, I would gather none of you had much support in really understanding open adoption and the adoption triad. If you can find some help in talking through yoru feelings and talking through what adoption can look like, you may find peace.
For the sake of your child, embracing the story w/empathetic eyes is so important... if for no one else, your son. Remember that one day he'll need you to tell him his story and his story needs to include all the facts but also be loving and kind.
Try to concentrate on the positive sides... the anger and hostility you may feel from the birth father is most likely coming from a place of grief and loss. I can't imagine behaving well if that were me in his shoes.
Please know that this isnt necessarily easy work.... but it may make the difference in creating a stable and honest home for your child.
I ditto this sentiment exactly.
To be fair, in the moment the situation feels so raw, especially when caring for a newborn, that things can escalate very, very quickly.
I would encourage you, as Silliest stated, to seek counseling. A counselor wiht an adoption background will be able to help you through all dynamics of your process as well as the relationships within the adoption triad.
FWIW I don't quite think it's fair to compare one experience to another, nor that one heart ache is worse then another because of x, y, z circumstances. This is such an emotional roller coaster, and each journey is as unique and individualized as a finger print.
I've been thinking of this post all night. Especially when I was rocking our DD to sleep. I feel awful for everyone involved, especially for the birth family. They are obviously a bit unstable but I'm guessing from your post things were said to them that led them to believe visitations were agreed upon. Please step back and try to see their point of view. Have some compassion that while they might not be the most pulled together people, they just signed away their rights to their baby and they are hurting in ways that you cannot begin to imagine. His reaction was scary and immature and you have every right to step back and protect yourself and your baby but you also have a responsibility to honor their place in your child's life. You owe it to that sweet baby and to them.
It doesn't sound like anyone got the proper pre-adoption counseling needed and clear expectations were never set. I hope after things settle, you are able to try and take baby steps to mend the relationship. Maybe a letter letting them know you are thinking of them and reiterate your promise to keep info and pics coming. Let them know you are sorry about any miscommunication and hope everyone can move forward for the baby's sake. Anyway, that's what I would do. It would haunt me if I knew our birth family was hurting and I didn't do everything within reason to comfort them.
Good luck and congrats on the new baby.
This makes me so ill and so does the OP. The BP's don't need to be "handled" and they certainly aren't crazy, FFS. They need to be treated with some respect and understanding and probably some counseling.
OP, these are the parents of your son - the people who gave him life. They are clearly hurting and lashing out because of their grief and you need to show them just a tiny bit of compassion.
I'm a longtime lurker, but have to put my $0.02 in on this one.
I'm an adult adoptee. My adoption was closed, with an agreement that information would be disseminated to both sides via my adoptive parents when I turned 18. When that day came, my adoptive parents refused, saying I wasn't "ready" to know. It wasn't until my 2T loss that I begged and pleaded for the info and was put in contact with my BM for a med history. Given the history I received (a hereditary clotting disorder was included), there is a good chance I would have been tested prior to Noah's conception. I was tested after; I have the same mutation as my BM and received treatment during my subsequent pregnancies. My child might have lived. My adoptive parents also really hated my BD- so much so that I was told he was dead until my BM put us in touch. He's been involved ever since- my kids even call him grandpa. I couldn't even invite him to my college graduation last week, as a grown woman, because my whole family threatened to jump ship if I did. Growing up, the bad things I did were always attributed to something I somehow "inherited" from my BPs. Had sex before marriage? S*ut like my BM. Experimented with alcohol? Alcoholic like my BD.
If you walk around with so much negativity surrounding your child's adoption, it WILL be conveyed to him, whether you intend for it to or not. Maybe not in this extreme of a way, but maybe so. My APs and BPs are all good people who love me; it is hard to fathom why my APs would make the circumstances surrounding my birth, adoption, and family relationships unnecessarily confusing and painful. Seriously, don't do this to your son.
PS- I had a very, very, VERY unpleasant and difficult birth and postpartum experience with my son. But I will never say it was horrible, because the outcome made up for the trauma 1,000 times over. I came home with my son in my arms (post NICU, anyway) when it was possible I might not have. THAT would have been horrible. Leaving the hospital after losing Noah- so horrible. How your BPs must feel as they are grieving the loss of their child? Horrible. Having a sweet little newborn in your arms is the furthest thing from it, no matter how they ended up there.
Thank you for chiming in LuckyIrish. I hope people really hear what you are saying.
And congrats on the birth of your son!
They were coerced into giving you THEIR child, and you don't even have compassion for them. I just... that baby should have stayed with his birth parents.
Clearly the child's biological parents were coerced into relinquishing their son. What is wrong with them all sleeping in the same bed? Were you concerned that "your" baby would bond with his parents?
The biological dad is right: you ARE selfish. You purchased a human being and yet you seem to think you're entitled to this baby. They didn't OWE you their baby, regardless of their housing situation.
You should be happy that your agency schooled you about the myth of open adoption. Unfortunately, you got it right. Everything is at your discretion. Too bad for the poor baby. It sounds like you're using the excuse of your "horrible experience" to shut out the natural parents already. People like you disgust me.
-- Adoptive parent -- foster care in California