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Blended Families
I have met my limit ((long))
35 weeks pregnant trying to stay calm and relaxed. Cervix pain and braxton hicks for weeks now. We decided to let SD go with MIL for the day to shop and to park. As they are leaving I tell them to both behave and have fun.
MIL with crazy boiling out her eyes looks at me and says what do you mean I behave you can't tell me what to do. . . I said I would hope you know how to behave but sometimes its nice to be reminded. She starts yelling at me saying im jelous of her with SD and I am a spoiled brat. I still trying to stay calm say would you please stop yelling in front of my kids. MIL then says I will do what I want and we will see what DH has to say about it later. I let SD go with her not that I wanted to but 1 I wanted MIL out of my house and 2 I knew how much SD was looking FWD to the day with her.
This is not 1st or even 100th crazy moment with MIL. I have tried I don't take crap from anyone usually but I try because she is my MIL to be respectful and nice. But never has she been nice I have been in SD life over 5 yrs now and still she oviously can't accept that I am her mother. BM and DH were never married and after long court battle he finally got visitation when sd was 2 so MIL helped dh while he was at work she kept SD so that was grand total of a yr b4 I came along and now I have been the caregiver for 5yrs for SD. I swear BM is a lil aggrevating sometimes but I have to deal with that because she is the BM i am fine with that.
My MIL doesn't respect anything we have said she yells at DH as well and calls us both the devil. I am to the point DH can choose me or his mom. All I want is for kids to have a normal relationship with MIL but you can't fix crazy. O BTW she has never asked how baby is doing etc. and our son she acts as it he doesn't exist. Her 1yr with SD doesn't and never will trump what I have done everyday the past 5yrs for her drs-surgerys-school-dealing with BM-dealing with SD issues going to conseuling- the list goes on. If my mom were to talk to DH like that I would 1 tell her off and 2 cut her out of my life until she could learn to be a nice human.
I wouldn't let a stranger yell at me so why should she be allowed to? I wouldn't let a stranger tell my kids if they play with certian toys or watch certian things they will be gay....I wouldn't let stranger treat my kids the way she does. So why is MIL allowed to I am fed up and It will not happen after today over my dead body!
Sorry long rant but I am so upset I am literally getting sick over it. It wouldn't be to fun to go into labor over this.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I have met my limit ((long))
I'm sorry you're having a difficult pregnancy. I don't think MIL's reaction was that out of line, though.
I can't imagine how my MIL would react if I told her to behave. She's pretty easy going, but still, it's an odd thing to say to another adult.
If you don't have a friendly enough relationship with your MIL that you can pull off some kind of "you behave, too" joke, why in the world would you say that?
If another adult (especially an in-law) said that to me, I'd probably be pissed, too.
Her behavior was bad as well, but you started it.
Sorry you're having a tough end of pregnancy. However, your comment was very disrespectful because your relationship with your MIL isn't good a good one. You were out of line.
I said it joking but she knew I ment it. She wasn't allowed to take SD alone for over a yr because 3 times in a row when we allowed her to she cut SD hair crooked herself and we had to pay to get it fixed and BM had a fit on us over it. also MIL talks bad about BM and it upsets SD she has came home crying over it before. MIL usually ends up going places she didn't tell us she was going and we don't know where she is for hrs on end as well to ppls houses we don't allow our kids to be around. DH is fed up with it to he says his mom used to be nice but since she kicked FIL out she has went mean on everyone it isn't just me.
Whoa. MIL seems like a real piece of work. My normal exiting comment whenever the kids leave the house is "Have fun and behave". I even say it when my husband takes them out or when the Grandparents take them. I'm never implying that the adults will misbehave, it's just what I say when the kids go off without me. My MIL has a tendency to take things incredibly personally, even when said in jest. But she has never reacted the way you described. In fact, she's normally mature enough to discuss with me and my husband if something bothered her later on, without the kids as an audience.
I don't blame you for being done with her. If my MIL or even my mother had talked to me that way in front of the kids I would have promptly told her the playdate was canceled, goodbye. Since she is your husband's mother, he needs to step in and handle this. I understand that she's his mother but you are his wife and the mother of his child, boundaries need to be drawn. I think it's time for a MIL time-out. Unless and until she offers up a sincere apology for her behavior and her comments, she is not welcome in your home or around the kids. If she's willing to be disrespectful to you and say terrible things to you in front of the kids, imagine what she's willing to say with you not around? I never advocate using kids as ammunition against people, but she seems like she needs to not be around SD unsupervised.
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You think it's Ok to tell a grown woman who is helping you out with your kids to "behave". That is what is disrespectful in my opinion. Yeah, MIL was disrespectful back, but Op started it. Also - OP, are you really complaitning about MIL giving your sk a messed up hair cut 3 times in a row? That's why she wasn't allowed to be alone with them? I'm confused.
Really? You think saying jokingly, "You ladies behave today" is rude? I've said that to my MIL and her response back was, "Ok, so only 4 scoops of ice cream instead of 6". OP already said she said it in a joking manner. I think some people are just too sensitive.
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She definitly needs a Time out.I am not an advocate of medicine but she definitly needs something she is angry with the world nothing is ever good and I just don't like that negitiveness around the kids. We never talk bad about BM-MIL or anyone in front of the kids because I firmly believe kids can come up with thier own opinions on someone in due time. MIL will never apologize she doesn't see anything she does as wrong. when she cut SD hair she said it looked perfect and wouldn't pay the 20$ to get it fixed we were stuck with 60$ worth of her perfect mess's. o and MIL bent the ear pieces on SD glasses till they broke that was a 200$ ting she never apologized for either. She bought SD something for her Bday and after party she took it back and has never gotten SD anything to replace it. I'm tired of comming up with excuses and taking blame for MIL acton from BM as well. I do whats best for SD because I love her and I'm tired of seeing he hurt over and over.
Apparently... I say same thing to my mom when she takes my son.
And my MIL isn't doing me a favor by taking SD I am doing her 1 by allowing it even though I don't trust her and BM doesn't want SD around MIL either. I allow it because even though all the things that have happened SD loves MIL and wants to see her but SD also needs to learn that MIL behavior isn't ok and when someone acts that way we can't allow them to be around us. I don't want her to grow up and think its ok for everyone yell and scream and not follow simple rules of society.
also I don't like the fact that it upset my 3yr old either he was trying to talk to her and she started yelling he ran over to me covered his ears and hid his face.He asked why is mamaw so mean? I said i dont know baby maybe she forgot how to be happy.
If your MIL isn't trustworthy w/ SD, then you don't let them go spend the day alone together.
And when you have a history like this, you should know better than to make a joke at her expense. I joke with my parents all the time about how if DS misbehaves with them, they can lock him in the closet. That's because I KNOW they don't have any problems with him!
You've stated that she knows you meant it seriously. No matter what she's done, snarky comments to her aren't going to help the situation.
Maybe your MIL is BSC, but you have to recognize that you're contributing to the dysfunction.
I think your MIL over reacted. I can totally see me joking saying "behave", and if your MIL was truely offended, she didn't need to turnaround and act like a crazy person. Even if you were out of line for what you said, I still do not think her reaction is ok.
Limit the amount of time you and your kids spend with her until she can act like a normal person. That is what I would do.
my MIL is very similar to yours, DH's visitation with his daughter took place at her house for a while, so she "ran the show" she has never accepted me as a mother figure in my SD's life and she favors my SD over my DS SOOOO bad. So i definitely feel for you. I stopped allowing my DS to spend alone time with her and I had a conversation with my DH that I wasn't comfortable with MIL spending alone time with SD, but that it was ultimately his decision.
the things that MIL does are petty and stupid to most people, but it comes down to her undermining my authority and role as a mother (which it seems like your MIL does as well) stick to your guns. have a conversation with DH and make MIL's visits supervised.
I have a rocky relationship with my ILs at best. And unfortunately for me I have a DH who doesn't see why I feel badly about the way they treat me. He doesn't stand up for me. And I simply refuse to tell him it's me or them (I honestly think I would lose).
Right now I don't see them or speak to them and I don't let my DD around them at all. I've told my DH that he is DDs dad and as such I can't tell him he CAN'T take DD over there, but he should know that doing so will p!ss me off. He hasn't taken her over there in a long time. SD is not "mine" so I make no effort to rule on that relationship. I just remind him that I will not pick SD up from their house, so if he has to work until 10pm she will have to spend the night there. (I should say note that the reason I don't want my DD around them has less to do with the way they treat me and more to do with the way they treat my SD. MIL is obsessed with appearence and has made SD cry numerous times with nasty comments about her hair, glasses, braces, etc... And FIL just lets it all go on).
Don't ask your H to chose unless you can live with losing. Because even though it sounds like she is BSC and shouldn't be around your kids, you just never know.
PS: I am only story-telling for solidarity here, I don't advocate doing things the way I do. I end up really angry and bitter a lot of the time because I feel like my H doesn't care about me...
I also want to add that if this woman is causing so much hardship in your life you need to have a talk with your husband and make an effort not to bait her. Saying something knowing how she will react is bringing on more drama. Your husband needs to stand up for his family and you both need to be on the same page where she is concerned.
DH's stepmom was such a hosebeast that eventually I told him I would not be joining him when he went to his father's house. She had a lot of problems, including anger issues, alcohol abuse, and excessive smoking. I told DH he was free to see his dad, free to bring the kids, but I would not go. I would only see his father for FILs birthday, Christmas, and Father's Day (which DH spent at the ballpark, not at FILs home).
Guess what? The fact that *I* refused to tolerate FILs wife anymore meant that DH was forced to endure her alone - and he quickly stopped seeing her as well.
If your MIL behaves that way in front of you, then refuse to accomodate her. Tell your DH that if he wants his mom to hang with SD, then HE has to make it happen - HE has to make plans, HE has to be there for MIL to pick SD up, HE has to be there when MIL returns.
So many people say "I can't stand this person, but have to (or want to) tolerate her because she is FAMILY.....!" Family does not give you the right to mistreat someone. If I would not tolerate bad behavior from a stranger, I won't tolerate it from someone because I am linked by blood or marriage to their DNA.
Even if it was said in a spiteful manner(which I don't think it was), yelling at someone in front of their kid isnt acceptable.
But reprimanding an adult infront of the child in her care for the day is? No way is either behavior cool. You wouldn't tell OP that it's ok for the grandma to correct her in front of the child, either.
OP can say it was a "joke" but honestly with the history between OP and MIL, I don't think there's any way she could have said it in a truly joking manner nor expected it to be taken as a joke.
I agree.
I've said "Have fun, behave" in a joking manner as well- I really think the MIL's reaction was ridiculous. I don't think making a joke is baiting anyone especially when it's a grandmother/granddaughter relationship. It's supposed to be a fun time and I think a casual little joke can sometimes help awkward situations. So to turn around screaming because someone said something that ruffled your feathers is way out of line- not even getting to the fact that it was in front of a child.
My IL's are nuts- history of mental illness and substance abuse. My husband stands up for me (he's not real fond of his family either). I've been screamed at in front of my SS for ridiculous things- and being pregnant myself I know it's hard to keep your cool. Some PP's have mentioned feeling that comment was inappropriate considering the relationship- I think in a relationship with mature adults if a comment like that was taken out of context it could be easily cleared up with actual communication. I don't think you should have to walk on egg shells around someone because their nuts- if you have to police everything you say- it's ridiculous. That said- when people act like that- I think the only option for sanity is to remove them from you.
You might not be able to keep SD from seeing her MIL- because she is still your DH's family. However you can tell your DH that your contact with this woman will end until she can behave like an adult. I think further communication with your DH regarding boundaries- because a lot of them have clearly been crossed here.
I'm sorry your DH is like that mine has taken up for me many times but he then says shes his mom and needs to see grandkids...but today was last straw he works 3rd shift so when she came back less than hr out with SD. I made him get up deal with her and MIL started yelling at him soon as she came in door. I had kids in other room. HE told her how dare she act that way around his kids and pregnant wife. told her until she grows up she isn't welcome around us anymore. I am very proud of him for once. Maybe your DH will see 1 day how his mothers behavior effects everything.
Sheesh. So she has no problem yelling at you in front of the kids, and she has no problem yelling at her own son. What a lovely Grandma.
I'm glad your husband stood up for you. Hopefully this will enforce what is acceptable behavior with the kids and what isn't acceptable. Your kids should never be privy to Mom, Dad, Stepmom or Stepdad be disrespected and yelled at by anyone. They should be under the impression that adults are always polite and courteous to each other so that they will grow up to be polite and courteous.
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^^ I don't know about losing custody, but truthfully as a BM I would be going in to obtain an Order restraining MIL from seeing my kid if I was aware of these outbursts of hers. No child should have to see that kind of conflict and I wouldn't want my child left alone with her. I don't think your husband will lose custody, but he'll definitely be the one that has to explain to MIL why she's no longer allowed to see SD.
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She definitly undermines everyone nothing is right unless its her way it is not just us she does it with it is EVERYONE.There isn't a resturant she goes to she doesn't treat the ppl like poo and send everything she orders back. She just isn't satisfied with life so she projects her unhappiness and anger on everyone around.
You admitted you meant it, and she picked up on the passive-aggressivness.
Why are you confused this happenned?
Exactly.
I threw petrol on the fire and it exploded - hardly shocking.
Now I'm going to hang back and play the victim.
You provoked the crazy in her and then stood there pointing 'see I told you she was crazy'.
Both you and gma are cut from the same stone lady.