Stay at Home Moms

Am I being unfair?

So ds2 still wakes up 2-5 times per night, once or twice to eat and a couple more times to get his back patted or something to help him go back to sleep. Sleep training is a personal parenting choice and just not something I'm ready to do quite yet. DS1 gets up at 530 am everyday and because I get up with ds2 all night, DH gets up with the kid/s in the morning so I can catch an hour more of sleep before he has to get ready for work. He gets up with them most weekends too. This hasn't been a problem but I was talking to my mom this morning and she said I was, "selfish" because I never let DH sleep in. I always figured the since he never gets up with the kids at night. Ever. He was getting enough sleep. He never complains. Am I being mean?
Gabriel 11/04/09 Vincent 9/17/11 Grace 8/02/13

Re: Am I being unfair?

  • Sounds fair to me. Are you and your DH both happy with the arrangement?

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  • My mom says the same thing.  I think it's generational. My dad NEVER changed dirty diapers. And she always says it's not fair that I make DH change poopy ones when he's home (even when I'm pregnant and practically puking while doing it).  It's not fair that DH gets up with DS at all at night, or gets up early with him occasionally so that i can sleep in.

    I just let it go in one ear and out the other. 

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  • I think whatever works for the two of you is all that matters. DH is a light sleeper and I sleep like the dead (seriously, a few times in college he had to carry me out of  the dorm because the fire alarm was going off and I wasn't waking up) so he is always the one to wake up with the kids. Even when I try to let him sleep hearing them/us wakes him up anyway.

    When he travels for work I pretty much don't fall into a "real" sleep the entire time he's away for fear of not hearing the kids when they need me. 

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  • I think if he's fine doing it, then who cares.  DH usually lets me sleep in if he's home, but sometimes he would like to but he lets me know.
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  • If it works for you guys, great.  I don't think it's being "selfish" at all.  It's so hard to function when your little one is getting up more than once a night.
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  • Not at all. We always ran "shifts" when my kids were still waking up so I was even worse. LOL. I'd sleep from 8-1, then DH would sleep from 1-6 so we both got a solid 5 hours of sleep. When LO dropped to 1 night waking, we'd just rotate nights. When I was pregnant and exhausted, I'd go for weeks without getting up at night and DH would handle it all.

    I also agree with the previous PPs that it's more a generational thing and in previous generations it was expected that women took on the child rearing roles of diapers/night wakings/etc. Thank god its not that way anymore and dads take a more hands-on approach with parenting, eh?

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  • Sounds fair to me.  My DH does this also for me on weekends.  He's not a big sleeper anyway--can't really sleep in past 8-9am.  
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  • personally, i'd feel not guilty, but perhaps as if i were taking his good nature if i were in that situation, because he needs to be on for work, in a way a sahm does not. 

  • imagemrsrobinsontobe:

    personally, i'd feel not guilty, but perhaps as if i were taking his good nature if i were in that situation, because he needs to be on for work, in a way a sahm does not. 

    Really?  Do tell.  

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  • If your DH and you are okay with it then who cares what anyone else thinks.
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  • imagemrsrobinsontobe:

    personally, i'd feel not guilty, but perhaps as if i were taking his good nature if i were in that situation, because he needs to be on for work, in a way a sahm does not. 

    I need to be on. Every day, DD invents new reasons why I need to be alert and "on".

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  • My husband likes to get up with our son on the weekends.  And I'm lucky that he can't sleep past 7 anyway.  It doesn't sound selfish to me - ESPECIALLY if you are getting up all night.
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  • That's what we do.  DH always gets up with DS (a 5:30am waker).  If it works for you then ignore your mom.  I think it was rude of her to say.  My mom was always so happy that I had someone so willing to help.
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  • It's only unfair if it's not working for you and your H. The tables could be turned and say it's selfish that he never gets up at night, KWIM? Do what works for your family and keeps everyone healthy and sane.
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  • If this arrangement works for both you and your DH, I don't see how it could possibly be selfish.
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  • I think it's fair.  If he gets to sleep a solid night, then you should get that extra hour in the morning.  Maybe he doesn't need to skeep in because he already got some good sleep.

    FWIW, DH and I had the same arrangement when our kids were younger.  He never really woke up at all when I would get up, feed, sooth, change diapers, etc.  So he was rested and ready to go early in the morning.  If it works for you and DH, it's really none of your mothers concern.  She seems to think you aren't allowed to sleep at all.

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  • Not selfish to me.  DH and I have this exact same set up.  My DS has the exact same early rising habit.  We're both aiming for 6 hours of sleep.  Honestly, I think DH has it better because his is straight sleep, not interrupted.
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  • in what way? in the way that a sahm can choose to let some household tasks go, or just have a "lazy day" at home and no one is really going to care that much. at work, you might lose an acct., let down your boss or a client, etc...there's a lot of pressure out there, especially for those in one income households, to be "the best" because someone else will take your job in a heartbeat! personally, if he's always getting up with the kids, on weekends too, and he's the one earning the $, i'd feel like i was taking advantage, that's all...
  • imagemrsrobinsontobe:
    in what way? in the way that a sahm can choose to let some household tasks go, or just have a "lazy day" at home and no one is really going to care that much. at work, you might lose an acct., let down your boss or a client, etc...there's a lot of pressure out there, especially for those in one income households, to be "the best" because someone else will take your job in a heartbeat! personally, if he's always getting up with the kids, on weekends too, and he's the one earning the $, i'd feel like i was taking advantage, that's all...

    He's getting up early after a full night's sleep.  He can go to bed at 8pm if he wants.  I doubt her DH is so incompetent that he's going to suck at his job because he woke up at 5:30am.  Please.

    Unless you're a brain surgeon or a truck driver, it's okay to be a little tired at work.  You're not going to kill anyone.  What do you think people do in families where both parents work? 

    DS born February 2009 * DD born September 2011
  • Fair is what works for you, if you are both happy with the arrangement then keep it. 

    I also agree with the poster that says my DH has to be way more on top of his game then I do. He is not a neurosurgeon but a mistake in his line of work could not only be costly but he could lose his job or in extreme cases lives could be lost. This holds true for a lot of jobs. I on the other hand could have a totally lazy day, and even nap if I wanted too.  This has nothing to do with someone's job being harder it is more an attention to detail thing. 

  • Sounds fair to me.

    When mine were little and BFing our deal was that I was "on" from midnight to 6am. DH was on from bedtime to midnight and 6am to 7am. It helped that I go back to sleep easily while he can not go back to sleep if he's woken up early.

     

    The former jen5/03.

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  • As long as it works for both of you there's nothing selfish about it. It's definitely a generational thing to think child care is primarily a mother's job. Despite what more recent ideas would have people think, once upon a time men and women both took very active roles in every aspect of child care simply because it was best for them. If that means you get rest so you can function better while he takes care of the little ones after getting his rest, it sounds like the best thing for the little ones too. 

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  • What I don't think is fair, is someone telling you that you're being selfish. It's absolutely a choice between you and your significant other. If it works for the two of you, I don't see any problem with it. Eventually, you WILL get to sleep through the night. Hang in there!
  • It seems like you are not being mean at all! Just seems like your mom is being too quick on judging the situation. Like most moms are. They just want their kids to be selfless and if they think their kid grown or not is doing the opposite then they will give their input.

     

    As long as you and your husband are happy with the situation then it doesn't matter what anyone thinks. Plus it won't be like this forever. I think it's amazing you wake with him and let your husband sleep. 

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  • Definitely not selfish!  I think it's good you get to do this!  I know I lay around in bed as my husband gets ready for work wishing I could sleep longer every day.  

     If someone told me I was selfish for something like that, I'd be a little upset.   

    Cyndie Loud Kids, Tired Mom http://loudkidstiredmom.blogspot.com/
  • It is times like this when I tell my mom with no holds barred to stay the heck out of marriage. 
  • I think if you are concerned then you need to talk to your husband about it, your mama needs to butt out!
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  • Personally? No. You are being a MOM and making things work for you. If that means getting an hour nap in the morning while he gets things put together and then getting up while he is gone, go for it. 

     

    Just like the people that think men shouldn't change diapers when they are home, you guys share the parenting. I know when I have my baby, even though I am not a stay at home mom right now, I will be soon enough. And you better believe I will get my naps, and he WILL be helping with the poo patrol xD 

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  • imageGeek_Girl:
    imagemrsrobinsontobe:

    personally, i'd feel not guilty, but perhaps as if i were taking his good nature if i were in that situation, because he needs to be on for work, in a way a sahm does not. 

    Really?  Do tell.  

     

    I just have to say I totally agree with her. If I had a hard night as a SAHM I can pop in a movie or take the kids to the playground so I can sit and relax. I had a low stress job, but it was MUCh harder having to be at work and alert and present for boring meetings or whatever. No comparison. 

  • imageAndrewsgal:

    Fair is what works for you, if you are both happy with the arrangement then keep it. 

    I also agree with the poster that says my DH has to be way more on top of his game then I do. He is not a neurosurgeon but a mistake in his line of work could not only be costly but he could lose his job or in extreme cases lives could be lost. This holds true for a lot of jobs. I on the other hand could have a totally lazy day, and even nap if I wanted too.  This has nothing to do with someone's job being harder it is more an attention to detail thing. 

    If I'm not on top of my game, as a sahm, my son could be hurt or even killed. He's at an age where I cannot just plop him in front of the tv and then go take myself a nap. He WOULD get hurt if I did. I think it is hard to compare parents who wah versus working outside the home. Either way it's work, and important.

    Wyatt 9/6/2011 
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  • I think that if it works for both you and your husband then mom should butt out! She isn't the one losing sleep.
  • Liz4444Liz4444 member

    imagemrsrobinsontobe:
    in what way? in the way that a sahm can choose to let some household tasks go, or just have a "lazy day" at home and no one is really going to care that much. at work, you might lose an acct., let down your boss or a client, etc...there's a lot of pressure out there, especially for those in one income households, to be "the best" because someone else will take your job in a heartbeat! personally, if he's always getting up with the kids, on weekends too, and he's the one earning the $, i'd feel like i was taking advantage, that's all...

    I tell DH I need to be more well rested than he does because I have to drive his child around all day.  He wouldn't want anything bad to happen because I'm tired.

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  • As long as you and your husband are both OK with the arrangement, there is no need for a change. I think sometimes mother's poke their heads in where they don't belong. 

    If your husband isn't complaining and doesn't find it unfair, than it's not unfair and you are doing a great job.

    Maybe for father's day, you could let him sleep in and get him breakfast in bed.... that would be a change of tables! Have to be sure to let him know that's ONE DAY ONLY! ;) 

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  • You are definately not being Unfair... Have you talked to him about it? What did he say? That is all that matters. My inlaws are always like he is tired he needs to get some sleep, but they are not the ones living with you or helping you. Parenting is a team effort and all need to put in 100%. I am a stay at home mom and at night He wakes up with the kids so that I can get a break from them and get sleep so that I can be the best mommy I can be. You and DH need to make the call. Your doing great!!!!
  • DH gets up with DD at night, and I get up with them in the mornings.

    I could see how it would be easier for me if there were just random bad nights here and there. But we are going on 18 months of getting up at night, so something has to give. Frankly, DH is gone so much, I need the sleep when he is here. More than he does.

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  • What she means is that it's not "fair" that she didn't get any help from your dad when you were little. In her eyes it isn't fair that she didn't get to sleep in after waking. If the arrangement works for you than by definition it is fair. Sometimes moms just have to say something to have soothing to say even if it is silly.
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  • No. This isn't mean; this is a SYSTEM that works for you and yours. And a system that works, is a system not to be trifled with. ;)
  • imageanastasiacarmen:
    Not selfish at all!  When he is home he should be helping!

    AGREED!!!!

    Yeah, having a job can be stressful and difficult, but why should YOUR job be 24/7 while his job is only 40 hours a week? It's not like you're spending the 8 hours he's at work picking your nose. 

  • You are not being mean, unfair or selfish.  Is DH okay with the deal?  If not I'm sure you'd be more than happy to sleep all night and get up with the kids in the morning and let him "sleep in".  

    It sounds to me like your mom needs to mind her own business and and keep her opinions to herself.  She raised children her way and now you and DH will do it your way...mommy dearest's input NOT required.

  • No, you aren't being unfair, mean or selfish.  I think if it works for you and your husband then that is what matters.  If he had a problem with it then he would say something, right? 
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