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Adoption
northhillsbride
member
Adult adoptee - need advice, please (long)
northhillsbride
member
in Adoption
Hello ladies,
Since I've seen other adoptees posted here, and have read responses, I know how welcoming you all are. And I need help, please, so I hope I am ok to post here?!
I am almost 38 and have known most of my life that I was adopted. It was a closed adoption and I know some basic info (where, when, bparents basic background). In the past couple of years, when together with my parents, my Mom has mentioned my adoption and offered to help me find out anything I may want to know.
Now, while my adoption was never a secret, it's just not something we talk about easily. I guess none of us have ever felt a need to know more and part of me doesn't ever want to hurt my parents or intrude on my bparents' lives.
Fast forward to February and I posted on an adoption registry page some basic information, so if anyone ever wants to search for me, than they can. MUCH to my surprise, I received an email about 4 weeks ago from, who we think, is my birth brother! We have exchanged several emails and it really appears to be the case. (His story: him and his brother only found out over the Winter that their Mom gave up a child for adoption - he is 29 yrs old. She gave them permission to find me if they wanted to. She knows that he has been in contact with me and has recently asked Catholic Charities to open the case.)
He has been very honest and open, and I have tried to do the same - stating that I honestly thought I just wanted medical history and I'm not sure what else I want from this.
I have not mentioned to my parents yet that this is all transpiring. One reason is that this all happened right before I went away on vacation for 2 weeks and the majority of information has only transpired in the past 2 weeks. Secondly, I just shared with them last night that we are pregnant again (a surprise that I am still dealing with and am only handling one surprise at a time right now!).
I know only I can figure out what I want from this. My husband is very supportive and thinks it's prety cool that I have the chance to meet my blood relatives. I guess I'm just scared of opening up my life to someone(s) considering the history of it all. I also want to protect my parents. Does this make any sense?
I should probably make it clear that I have no regrets and I am forever grateful to my bparents for the sacrifice they made - and I told this to my (possible) b-brother. He has given me his number and is not pressuring me at all, but I know he would like to meet one day. I also know he is very respectful of all of this due to family issues (which led me to pull my profile from the registry - apparently there is a race to find me now) and he has said that this is his Mom's story to tell, not his.
In a lucky (?!) turn of life, while I was raised in another state, I now only live about 90 minutes away from where I was born and where the bfamily still is.
Please, any words of wisdom? Stories of anyone who can relate? Thank you for taking the time to read all of this!
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Re: Adult adoptee - need advice, please (long)
Hi
My advice... keep perspective. I think we assume lots of emotions need to be tied up in this sort of exchange and promises for future contact. Aside from getting questions answered, your parents life might not be altered much at all. You are the person who gets to decide how much and what it should look like... I'd spend some time w/those two questions... what do you want an exchange to look like... it can be as simple as a phone call or email exchanges...
Also remember that you can increase or change your limits as time goes on.
It sounds exciting to get more information... and as an adoptive parent I'd be completely supportive, esp in this season of your life (you are a grown woman who knows who she is... etc)
Please keep us up to date on happenings..
Wow what a story! This is such a personal decision and I can see why you are having a hard time making it. That said, I think you really need to do what YOU want. You sound like a very loving daughter and whatever choice you make, your parents will know that you are not making it to hurt them. Yes they will experience a lot of emotions when they hear about this, but just let them work through it at their own pace and make your choice based on your desires- not on a desire to protect them.
I can see why you are apprehensive about meeting your birth family, but let me ask you this: if you don't meet them, can you put this experience behind you? Or will you forever wonder about it? I would do the latter, so I would probably make the somewhat scary decision to at least meet them. You can always decide that meeting them was enough. You are under no obligation to spend holidays or vacations etc with them if you meet them. It could just be a one time event, or maybe you'll get together every year for coffee. You can make it whatever you want to make it.
Whatever choice you make, it is YOURS to make and you can make it with confidence based on your own desire. In other words, you don't owe anything to anyone.
GL making the decision; I'm sure you will come to peace with whatever decision you make!
TTC September 2010 thru October 2011
SA February 2011: Normal
RE App. October 2011 - Recc. Clomid and IUI
Taking a break from TTC to pursue adoption
Met our 2 year old son in Russia July 2012!
Court trip October 2012
Home November 24 2012!
Back to RE Summer 2013. TTC journey continues:
Dx DOR, endometriosis, low sperm count
Clomid + IUI#1, #2 = BFN / IUI #3 = ???
Laparoscopy scheduled December 2013
Very exciting!
I am not in your shoes, so I can only imagine what kinds of emotions you're dealing with. But considering the fact that your mom was happy to help you find information, I have a feeling your parents will respond positively (if tentatively) to the news. It sounds like you have a loving, supportive set of parents, and that's a wonderful thing to have.
At this point, you may want to reach out either through your bio brother or through something other than face-to-face meetings to get the medical information you want. If the communication is favorable and you want to get to know them a little better, you can. If you still want to hold back and feel like that basic information will give everyone the closure they need, that's fine too.
Keep us posted.
I really don't have any advice to add- other the echoing PP that it's okay for you to make the decision that is best for you! You're parents will love you no matter what.
I just wanted to add my well wishes for you and your situation, and congratulate you on your pregnancy. Many prayers for you and your family!
Thank you so, so much for taking the time to reply to me. I have a lot to sort out!
And thank you for the book recommendation, I believe I found in another post. ("The Girls Who Went Away") I stopped at the library last night and picked it up - I'm very interested in reading this!!