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Need Advice

VAGrrrlVAGrrrl member
in Blended Families

Hi Everyone,

I have posted here before a couple of times but am mostly a lurker. I have been a custodial step mother for the past 5 years to a now 18 year old boy. My husband and I are at our wits end with the BM and could use some advice.

 A bit of background: when SS was 6, BM left him and his father to pursue her addictions with her dealer. After being literally missing for a year, she came back into the picture and kidnapped SS. It took my husband 3 months of working with a private investigator and an attorney to find his son, who had been taken 3,000 miles away. Once SS was returned, BM lost custody and my husband was a single parent to SS, until I came into the picture about 5 years ago. During this time, BM wasn?t involved much at all (no regular visits, phone calls, child support, due to distance---BM stayed living 3,000 miles away). My husband moved to the town where I live (BM lives here too) about 6 years ago in order for SS to have a relationship with BM. She appeared to be ?clean and sober? at the time but we now know that she wasn?t and she?s recently spent time in jail during 2 separate occasions. As a result, she lost her job, the privilege to drive and she?s been even more of a trainwreck than usual.

For the past two or three years, SS has witnessed her instability and manipulation and he?s recently started making statements that include, ?She is so selfish. Why does everything have to be about her?? He gets visibly upset when he?s with her but sometimes finds it difficult to speak up for himself. His father and I do not speak of her in front of him, but apparently she speaks about us to him (she?s admitted this) and she acknowledges that it upsets him. My husband and I have had to establish pretty rigid boundaries around her as there has been a lot of drama lately concerning her constant need for acknowledgement (she tells everyone what a wonderful mother she is---stepson has asked what he?s supposed to say to her when she says that. He says she has been a horrible mother but he doesn?t want to hurt her feelings) and her inappropriate calls, language, and attempted manipulation of people and situations. A current example is that she is constantly inviting herself to our home, even ?insisting? to my husband that she will be spending the night at our home (which I own) before a trip to his college for freshman orientation. She expects SS to cater to her because she broke her leg (she was high and wrecked a scooter) and it?s ?not her fault? that she can?t walk. She also expects to ride with my husband and stepson and either SS or my husband to push her wheelchair and ?be with her at all times? during the freshmen orientation. Her reasoning was that SS is ?so upset that I?m not going to be there and he saw me crying all weekend because I couldn?t go.? My husband asked SS this morning what was going on and SS disgustedly told his father that he doesn?t want her going, they never discussed it this past weekend and she wasn?t crying at all when he saw her over the weekend.

OK, so my question is this. How do we support SS in having strong boundaries without completely trashing his mother when we speak with him about this? We are worried what will happen when he goes to college later this year. It is entirely possible that she will show up on his doorstep and expect to be entertained or she?ll show up to his classes, etc. It sounds crazy but she used to do this when he was younger and it caused all kinds of issues. She?s a master manipulator and justifies everything she says/does by saying that she has a tough life and that life isn?t fair and that she deserves a break. BM will often call someone 50 times in a row because she?s upset with them, the list goes on and on. Do any of you have any advice as to how we can support SS in having a safe, healthy and independent first year of college? BM simply doesn?t have any boundaries and we?re not sure if there?s anything we can do.

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Re: Need Advice

  • AmberMH08AmberMH08
    he's 18 he knows how she is by now let him make the calls. Don't answer the phone when she calls if SS wants to talk to her he will call her etc. He needs to be able to live his life and move on from her constant drug drama.
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  • kimmygirl77kimmygirl77 member
    Your SS is an adult now. Old enough to know completely what is going on with his mother. I think you can politely say "No" to her demands and tell SS that you will not be entertaining her. If she throws a fit then that is on her. She is only making herself look crazy. Sounds like SS knows she is nuts so it is nothing new to him. You can still not trash talk her to your SS but take each situation as it comes and explain to SS why you are denying the crazy requests she makes.
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  • VAGrrrlVAGrrrl member

    Thanks. SS knows she is nuts and today told her she wasn't going to the orientation. She immediately started sobbing, telling him he didn't love her and he didn't want to share his " special moments" with her. She then proceeded to call him multiple times in order to manipulate him. He told my husband that he couldn't take it anymore. My husband broke down and told him that he would give her a ride but she has to get her own hotel room and take care of herself on the trip. I told him that she just got what she wanted and it would have been better if he would have stayed out of it. He said he just wanted to help SS get thru it.

     This is the type of thing that will continue to happen unless everyone just stops enabling her. Sigh...

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