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Blended Families
CFjo2010
member
No, I haven't changed my mind. Have you changed your habits?
CFjo2010
member
Every time the kids return from their visit with their father, I have to throw clothes and shoes away. Seriously, every time. XH and his wife smoke like chimneys and the kids come home with smoke stains and the occasional burn mark on their clothing and the smell of the smoke just won?t come out. I?ve tried several different detergents and nothing gets that horrible stench out of the clothes. Last Summer when they came home I had to scrub their luggage, Febreze the heck out of it and left it in the blazing sun for a couple days in an attempt to get the smoke smell out of the suitcases. The kids had both destroyed their shoes because their father thought it would be fun to go play in the creek with their shoes on. Why couldn?t he just have them wear some cheap flip flops from Wal-Mart or something? Why would an adult say it?s ok for a child to play in the creek fully clothed? This type of thing happens all the time.
Back in December I pulled the luggage out to get them ready for their holiday visit with XH. After 5 months the luggage still smelled. That was the last straw. I emailed and text XH and told him I was no longer sending the kids with clothes and that he would need to provide clothing for their visits (it was 2 weeks before they were scheduled to leave). Sure, I?m probably being unreasonable considering the kids only go visit once or twice a year. But seriously, XH hasn?t paid me a dime of child support and I?m tired of having to throw away and replace clothing and shoes due to XH?s and his wife?s disgusting habit and their refusal to provide any clothes or toiletries for the kids when they visit. He threw a fit about it but I stood firm. Clothes for 2 kids are expensive, I get that. But buddy, you aren?t paying me CS every month like you should be, so at least provide for your kids the 2 weeks they?re out there.
FF to this morning: XH texts me asking if I?m sending luggage with the kids. I asked if he and his wife are still smoking, and he said yes. I reminded him of the email and text that I sent back in December and told him what size the kids wear now. Once again he flipped out. "I had to spend nearly $200 in December getting them clothes for their visit and you?re saying now that those clothes don?t fit anymore?!" Welcome to my life pal, keeping clothes on the kids? backs isn?t cheap. He went on to rant about how he can?t believe I?m being so "selfish and inconsiderate". Then he has the audacity to tell me, "If you and your husband can afford to have another baby then you can afford to buy the kids clothes for their visits with me.". Oh. Hell. No. I responded with, "If you can afford to support your and your wife?s 2 pack each a day smoking habit, new quads, and new cars, then you can afford to support your children. You don?t pay a dime all year long, you need to figure something out for 2 weeks.".
Flame away, I know I shouldn?t have said that to him. I should have just responded, "I?m sorry you feel that way." but seriously, how dare he question what my husband and my priorities are. We keep a roof over those children?s heads, clothes on their backs, food in their stomachs, keep them active in extracurricular activities, maintain their health insurance and have started college funds for them, and all XH has ever done is provide some sperm and play dad 10 times over the last 7 years. Sorry, I?m extra heated and angry right now. End rant 
This discussion has been closed.
Re: No, I haven't changed my mind. Have you changed your habits?
Yes, I'm sure you royally pissed him off with your comment, but I totally agree with you! Especially since he doesn't pay CS!
We've had the same problem with clothes getting destroyed or being forgotten until they're too small at BM's house. Now I keep our clothes seperate from hers, and when the kids go back to her (we have them just about 50/50) I dress them in her clothes only. Occasionally she brings us a bag of the kids' clothes that she thinks are ours, but they always reek of smoke so most of them get tossed anyways. I really want to tell her to not even bother, but I don't know how to say it without sounding like a huge B!
I say stick to your guns on this one! (or at the very most just send clothes you don't care about!)
I don't blame you for giving him a piece of your mind, I would of done the same!
I grew up in a home where my parent both smoked inside and it is so freaking gross, the smell of cigaretts make me sick. My H chews tabacco, and as gross as that is, at least it doesn't stink.
It's actually in our CO that "each parent is to provide a smoke-free environment for the children." So essentially he's been in violation of the CO for several years. I haven't pushed the issue because I still want the kids to see their father, but I'm getting close to pulling that card. Neither of my children have asthma or breathing problems, but when they return from their father's they both have this horrible cough and have been prescribed inhalers and steroids to clear out the "gunk". XH and his wife have a 4 year old son together and that poor kid is having to grow up in a smoke filled house. If you don't care enough about your own health and well-being, that's one thing. But to force your children to inhale cigarette smoke and damage their health is just selfish and borderline abuse.
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This! I think it's funny you said that to him. He deserved to hear that.
My mom smoked in her house and when I would come back from the weekend visit I would smell so bad and so would all of my things. I think that is why I never even tried to smoke.
Nope, no flames.
SDs clothes came home a couple of times with burn marks in them. BM denied that she smoked. DH told BM if it happened again he would call DCF and open an investigation because apparently some unknown person was burning their daughter's clothing with cigarettes. It then came out that BM smokes and so does her DH. They would smoke in the car and the ash would blow in SDs window and land on her sleeves.
Grrrr....
I can understand that completely... except my DH pays almost500 a month in CS and we have SD 85% of the time. I used to send clothes back with her to wear down there and buy for here too and It just got out of control expensive. I put back on what she had on when she got here like last week when we picked her up 95 degree weather she had pants on. I hate to but this week or next whenever she goes back she will be wearing those pants back. for a week 3 pair shorts and 3 shirts walmart specials buddy aint gonna cost him much and he can deal with it. Its part of being a parent to buy clothes etc for them.
Try vinager spray to get smell out it doesn't cover up it smell like fabreeze it kills the smell. My mom used to smoke so I had to use vinager alot on my clothes and everything when I moved out
Over the years I tried all those things, especially the vinegar. I remember as a kid my mom used vinegar to get the horrible smell of cat urine out of things and it always worked. I think the problem with the cigarette smoke is that everything just gets so saturated in the 2 weeks the kids are with their father. XH and his wife smoke in the house, in their cars, everywhere. I even had the clothes professionally cleaned and the smell was still there (just not as strong), but nothing got those blasted yellowish stains out. Maybe I'm more sensitive to the smoke smell because my husband and I don't smoke, and neither do any of our family or friends. so I'm never really around it.
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Not a single flame one. Just LOADS of high fives and WOOT WOOTs!!!
Pull the CO....I'm serious! Pull it and pull it now!!! There are studies that show second-hand smoke is MORE harmful that first-hand. At least your XH and his wife have a filter to what they're inhaling, your poor babies don't. Pull that card mama!!!!
Thanks everyone. I feel a bit better knowing that my response to him isn't completely flame-worthy.
As for using the CO to modify the visits, I'm going to see how the kids are (and smell) when they get home. If I need to take them to the Dr again for coughing and allergy-like symptoms then I'll probably go to Court. I don't want to strip his visits completely, but maybe if the visits have to be here in CA supervised then he'll get the hint that his disgusting habit is more costly then he realizes. Thankfully/Unfortunately, after this visit the kids won't see him again until next Summer so I'll have plenty of time to deal with the Courts.
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