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Blended Families
Krisx2
member
Talking to BM.
Krisx2
member
DH got a phone call from SD for Father's day. Eventually he wasn't able to hold it in and cried on my shoulder about the situation. He is heart broken.
I want to write BM an email. We have only talked once, small chit chat, when at a dinner for SD. Other than that, she has made it pretty clear that she does not approve of me and does not want SD to have a significant relationship with me. This might not be her true feelings, but it's what she has said to DH previously. I want to contact her and give her our perspective on the mediation/custody issues.
BM wants us to give up 2 weeks of summer so that SD can have "fun" with her friends. DH has refused to give in, but unfortunately that means they are in a stalemate and DH is getting NO summer time this year (see other posts for more info). DH doesn't want me to say anything, but I feel like she needs to hear us out and he isn't willing to say anything to her. I want to let her know how losing 2 weeks of summer so she can have "fun" will negatively impact our family.
I had the hope that maybe if it came from a female/mother/wife perspective that she might listen instead of just fight back, like she does with DH. But I don't want to overstep my bounds or cause waves. Any thoughts? Should I try and reach out to her or just save my thoughts for a therapy session?
Mio Marito per Sempre: Married 2009. SD is 12 yrs. DD is 4 yrs.
DS born 12/29/14
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Talking to BM.
Don't do it. While I completely understand where you're coming from and I sympathize with the turmoil your family is going through, attempting to reach out to BM is a bad idea. She's made it pretty clear that she doesn't want SD to have a relationship with you, and you just can't reason with unreasonable people.
I think at this point, given the "all or nothing" situation your husband is dealing with, giving up 2 weeks might be worth it. Unless and until that Emergency Order is signed, your husband is kind of at her mercy. BM offering some summer visit when she has a CO allowing her to completely withhold it is an obvious attempt to look reasonable when you finally get to Court. If your husband refuses to give up the 2 weeks, he may end up looking like the unreasonable one. It sucks, but unfortunately that's the way it could look.
All you can do is focus in your family. Kids are smart, SD will figure out what her mother is doing. Work on having a positive relationship with SD, enjoy the times when your family is all together, and try to ignore the game-playing and antics that you just can't control.
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This!
This!
When you see your family hurting and nothing working it is so hard to fight the urge to step in. It's easy to expect people to take a more logical/compassionate response, however being tangled up in their emotions and desires- the likelihood of them taking said response is very very low.
Considering how she has decided to feel about you- she may see this as an attack rather than a white flag plea. It could then make things exponentially worse. It's not that your overstepping your bounds, because it's your family too, however she isn't going to see it that way.
Hugs to you guys!!!
Has anyone ever criticised you and you have thanked them for pointed out your flaws? NO.
Reaching out to someone is in essence extending an olive branch, letting by-gones be by-gones.
Emailing her telling her why you guys are right and she is wrong is in essence stoking the fire.
You will gain no ground when you are focused on why you are right and she is equally focused on why she is right.
Would you feel like BM was reaching out to you if she sent you an email telling you all the ways you are negatively impacting her life?
Thanks guys. Given the unanimous messages, I won't be writing an email. You're right, it would most definitely make things worse.
Sigh. Back to the waiting game.
Mio Marito per Sempre: Married 2009. SD is 12 yrs. DD is 4 yrs.
DS born 12/29/14
You should stay out of it with BM, but I would be bending your DH's ear!
I don't get parents who surrender parenting time. At all.
I just don't know what stand to take. Either DH fights for his future time with SD and loses all time this summer OR he gives up 2 weeks every year hence forth and gets some parenting time this summer. Both options result in DH losing time, now and later. Or something miraculous happens and BM changes her mind or the judge rules in DH's favor.
He's between a rock and a hard place and I have to sit here and watch him suffer.
Mio Marito per Sempre: Married 2009. SD is 12 yrs. DD is 4 yrs.
DS born 12/29/14
Why would it have to be every Summer? Why can't he stipulate to do it just this year? Is BM stating that she'll only allow Summer visit this year if he stipulates to giving up the 2 weeks every year?
If BM is in doing the aforementioned, it's essentially blackmail. Get her to put that in writing, have DH agree to it and then when he goes back to Court bring the issue forth to the Judge. Agreements entered into under duress aren't enforceable. Considering your husband's attorney already has it in writing that BM and her attorney are deliberately stalling to keep DH from seeing SD this Summer, and now BM saying she'll noly allow Summer visit this year if he agrees to her terms, she's already going to be in some pretty hot water with the Judge when it finally gets to Court. What does DH's attorney have to say about all this? Is this "agreement" even going through the attorney's or just between DH and BM?
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DH's attorney wrote to BM's attorney proposing to give up 2 weeks for JUST this summer since the court can't act till Sept. and her response was she would agree to giving up 2 weeks EVERY year till 14, then reevaluate. This was last Wednesday, and DH declined to give up 2 weeks every year. BM's attorney is on bed rest for the next week and the Judge just has his gallbladder out, so getting anything done will be weeks away.
DH's attorney has flat out told DH that he is screwed. BM can keep SD away until the Judge signs something or until he agrees to her terms. BM said over the phone that she would take the 2 weeks and nothing less and she won't hand SD over until DH agrees. It was a recorded conversation, but BM didn't know so it's inadmissible. I can try and get DH to prompt BM to say it in an email, but she's pretty good at beating around the bush.
Mio Marito per Sempre: Married 2009. SD is 12 yrs. DD is 4 yrs.
DS born 12/29/14
From the perspective of a BM~
I agree with the others, do not contact that woman. How long have they been divorced and have you been with your DH? I just ask because it's been 15 years for both with my divore and his remarriage. (the timing lines right up nicely with our divorce and their relationship) In the first few years I absolutely could not accept SM being a part of anything and felt like it wasn't any of her business, Obviously, that's not true, but it's the way I felt at the time. Now I would much rather talk to her about anything concerning DD than XH.
Point being, if he gives the 2 weeks up now, it doesn't mean it has to remain that way every Summer until she's 18. Likely the relationships will evolve and at some point BM will accept you as a part of the equation. At that point, an e-mail would be ok, but not right now.
They were never married. They had dated about 3-4 months and broke up right before BM found out she was pregnant. They lived together for a month or two when SD was born, but could never work the relationship out. I started dating DH 5 years ago, SD has just turned 5 when I met her. At that point, DH had already moved to UT while BM stayed in MT, so with the long distance aspect the only times I've ever been around BM was at exchanges. BM and her DH have known each other the exact amount that DH and I have. They married a year before we did. That sums up the relations.
Like I said, BM has a court order (and the Judge isn't happy about how the court order was obtained in a shady manner, but he hasn't repealed it either) to prevent DH from having summer visitation until they agree to sign a new CO. BM can keep SD all summer until DH agrees to her terms, which would mean a new CO where DH gets 2 weeks less time every year till 14.
At some point in time, I'd like to be cordial toward BM. I mostly wanted to reach out to her because I don't think she understands that taking 2 weeks from us means that my DD gets less time to know her only sister. I know I'm being selfish, but I don't think it's fair for SD to get 2 less weeks here to play with her friends when my DD doesn't understand and cries for her big sis. It's just hard, but like everyone said, I don't think BM will take my pleas kind heatedly.
Mio Marito per Sempre: Married 2009. SD is 12 yrs. DD is 4 yrs.
DS born 12/29/14
I would just agree with it and get your summer now. Like the BM advice above- since we have been out of court Bm gives us a lot more time because it helps her with childcare and vice versa.
When you're in te heat of court you want to fight over every stupid thing but when you're out of court you realize "well it would be better for my child to spend this time with a relative than a babysitter." relationships evolve like the pp mentioned and I would not be surprised if she realized she kind of liked having the summer break and wouldn't mind making it a full summer. She's just trying to get control any where she can.