Does your mom want to live with you? Help!

Smashdance · June 2012

I haven't announced yet as I am only just through my 7th week. I am an only child, and my mom knows my DH and I were trying for a baby, so we've talked about what will happen when I'm pregnant, when the baby comes, etc. You know, mother-daughter girl talk. I should also mention that I live in CT and my mom lives in MD, so we only see her a few times a year at this point. So, the thing that is scaring me is that she has mentioned coming to live with DH and I when we have a baby...for TWO MONTHS. We are actually going down to visit her and my step dad in about a month to tell them we're expecting, but I have no idea how to handle this when it comes up again. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I certainly don't want her moving in for two months. I feel like she'll drive me up a wall! Has anyone else had to deal with this? How did you do it? TIA, ladies.

erbear · June 2012

My mother and MIL lived with us M-F for several months when DD1 was born. She needed surgery at 8 months and couldn't go to daycare, so they were the daycare for a bunch of that time. However, it was incredibly helpful to me to have both of them there. I did not know jack about babies and suffered from pretty extreme PPD - they were a great help. If you have a decent relationship with your mom, don't close the door - you might really want the help.

choppinbroccoli22 · June 2012

When we were telling my mother about our plans after the birth of our first child, she said, "oh no, don't do that. I'll just live with you for a couple months." Like, End of Story.

Without missing a beat, I said with a little bit of a funny bone, "No, mom, you can't live with us. We're still newly weds, remember. (My husband) will divorce me." She said, "yeah, you're right. But I want to be at a hotel close by and come help you whenever you need me." I said, "that's perfect. Thank you!"

Smashdance · June 2012

We have always been close and I know I will need help as I don't know much about baby-havin' either, but it's overwhelming to think of her staying with us that long. I also have a while to think about it, and I'm hoping she'll compromise with me and maybe just come for one month.

ETA - that hotel idea is a good one! She actually does accounting for hotels in my area and gets a heavy discount, so that might work out!

KrisRene9 · June 2012

I am in a simaliar situation with my mom living in Maine and me in Minnesota, she knew we were trying for a really long time and has always said that she would be coming out here when I do have a baby. When I told her one of the first things she said was that she would be Minnesota bound in feb. I just pray that it's not a one way ticket! My mom and I are to much alike....we would kill each other. Good luck with your mom!

choppinbroccoli22 · June 2012

That's really cool that she has that perk!

If there's anything I am glad about, it's that I had a little bit of space during that very difficult transition.

I find myself playing goalie again this time around, only to create a little MORE space for a week or two so that my father can come out to see the baby over the holidays without feeling like he's in her way. He bowed out last time around.

drpayne · June 2012

It could be a blessing. We had a very difficult, colicky baby. My husband was having terrible health problems. He was on bed rest for a long time. I would not have made it if my mom wasn't there to help me. We drove each other nuts some days but overall it was what saved us.

SPK926 · June 2012

To OP and the other poster: Just tell your mom no. You are an adult and if you don't want her there for 2 months or even for a month then say that. Say that you are fine if she comes for a week (or whatever time you are comfortable with) but that you will want and need time to bond as a family and would like the opportunity to do that AS a family. Plus, how long will your DH get off after the birth? Is he going to like spending his week off of work with his wife and new baby and have his MIL around 24/7? Probably not.

Honestly I hate posts like this because the answer is simple, just say no! I don't know why so many adults have such a hard time with that. If you don't step up now and speak for your family then when will you? Also, if you don't speak up then it's my belief you have no grounds to complain about it.

Good luck!

this decaf life · June 2012

I would love for my mom to come and help after we have LO but it's impossible. If it were DH's mom I'd just let her know that it's going to be too hectic in our house but I'd love it if she'd help for a few days only. It's not that I have anything against my MIL I just know my mom and I would get along fine.

If you think it'll be more stressful than helpful just let her know that it's going to be hectic and you'd like help for the first week but you need to figure it out yourselves after that. Hopefully she'll feel good about you wanting her there for a few days and respect that you need to get back to your house in order after that without help.

MelleTX · June 2012

My mom only lives 13 miles away, but I am hoping she will move in with me for a few weeks at least. I won't be able to take care of two babies alone for the first few weeks. I need her. Even if we do drive each other nuts.

LadyMadrid08 · June 2012

I lived in Madrid and my parents in Seattle when DD was born and my mom came to stay in Madrid for 2 months. She was living with my H and I for 6 weeks--4 before DD was born and 2 after then she and my dad stayed in an apartment for two weeks.

It was amazing to have her aound. I was worried she would drive me crazy, but it was such a great time. She was incredibly helpful, always helping me around the house and taking care of me and she is a doula so I knew I wanted her there when I went into labor. Obviously she did drive me up the wall some of the time, but the good parts far outweighed the bad and if you go into it with a positive attitude it should turn out fine assuming your mom isn't BSC.

That said, if you don't have that kind of relationship with your mom don't force it. If you do decide to let her come for an extended stay be sure you hammer out what "help" is! I have too many friends whose mothers and MILs have come to help with baby and their idea of help was watching the 1 week old so mom could do dishes. This is not the help you need! What you need is someone who will help with household chores and help with baby when you ask--so you can shower or sleep or whatever. And definitely don't have anyone stay with you who will undermine your parenting choices be that BFing, formula feeding, co-sleeping, or whatever.

Mommyluv384 · June 2012

My mom spent the first 6 weeks here when I had my dd. it was wonderful. My mom isn't overbearing. She would just cook and clean. She would only take the baby when I asked her to. She would watch her durning the day so I could nap. For me it was a huge help. She will be doing it again with this baby. I think it's just old school to go stay with our dd when she has a baby

If you don't want her to say the only thing you can do is be honest. Don't sugarcoat it. Thank her for the offer but assure her you don't need her there for so long and plan a weekend trip with her.

Smashdance · June 2012

Wow - thank you for all the responses. It is putting me at ease reading all these positive stories. I will just have to discuss with my mom what will and will not happen when she comes up here. As most of you have said, I'm an adult and the baby will be mine and DH's, so ultimately it is up to us what happens when we bring the baby home. I'm definitely not as freaked out now.

znianiswan · June 2012

ETA - that hotel idea is a good one! She actually does accounting for hotels in my area and gets a heavy discount, so that might work out!

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alkvoelker · June 2012

My MIL I think will come stay with us for a month or two, depends on how I am doing at that point in the pregnancy. I don't think my mother will be able to come out though because she has three foster children under the age of 7, we'll see though. She might be able to fly out for a week.

kristisnod · June 2012

My mom is very overwhelming and drives me nuts! She is also baby crazy and I wanted to be patient with her when we had our son, her first grandbaby. My mom also lives in a different state, so we didn't want her or anyone here for the birth waiting and breathing down our necks. We also wanted the first week to settle in as a family and have no company. That may not be right for others, but it was really important to us. We told everyone our plans and my mom was very upset. We stayed calm and stuck to our guns. Everyone ended up happy and fine. It set a precedent for us standing up to her with our desires because this is our family and our priority. Stay strong, because if your mom is like mine, I feel your pain!!!

Kingston54 · June 2012

I'd just be honest and tell her you appreciate the offer but you would prefer if she'd come for just ONE week or something (if this is something you're interested in - and then you can decide if you want it as soon as the baby is born or after you've settled in).

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