I need to vent. (sort of BR and LONG)

MrsW722 · June 2012

I am having Mom & sister issues. Let's see if I can remember all of the details, so here it goes:

First off, all of my family lives in Texas (which is where I'm from), but when I met my husband I moved up north (about 1500 miles away). I have only one sister/sibling and we've always had a rocky relationship. My Mom played favorites, and depending on what was going on in our lives changed who was the favorite.

This past February we had our big ultrasound and even though DH and I wanted to know what we were having we didn't want to find out at our appointment. So, we came up with the idea that we would have the ultrasound tech circle boy or girl in a card and then mail it to my parents in Texas. They were coming to visit in March, so we thought we would wait until then to find out. My intention was that my Mom & Dad would know but nobody else, then we were going to have a reveal party with them and DH's family and my mom would make a cake with either a blue or pink middle.

So, this card that I sent gets to my mom within a few days and she posts on facebook that she got mail and that the results were known. At this point I'm starting to doubt our decision for them to know for a full month before we know. So, I call my mom (not to ask, just to talk in general) and while we're on the phone she gets another call from my sister. I tell her not to answer the call because I know my sister is just trying to find out, and my mom gets off the phone with me to talk to her. I wait for a while and then call my mom back. When she answers I ask if my sister knows, and she starts to beat around the bush. So, I ask again and request a yes or a no answer. The answer was yes. I'm immediately disappointed because this is not what I (or my DH) wanted at all. But since there is nothing I can do now, I just try to suck it up and get over it. My sister was excited for us, and just wanted to be a part of things especially since we live so far away from each other.

Fast forward to the night of the reveal party when my parents are in town. We've invited DH's family over for the cake, and have plans to have my sister on the phone when we find out. My mom tells me shortly before everyone gets there that my sister wants us to open her gift first before cutting into the cake. I'm a little confused by this since I knew it was going to be gender specific and we had planned all this time to have the cake be the big reveal. So, I tell my mom that we'll just cut into the cake first. She doesn't say much else, so we proceed as planned.

So, we're about to cut into this cake...DH's family is surrounding us with excitement, and my mom has my sister on the phone. Through all of the talking and clapping I notice that my mom is telling my sister to calm down and to stop it. Obviously something is wrong so I'm mouthing to my mom trying to find out what's up, and she tells me that my sister feels like an idiot and that my sister wants to open her gift first. I still don't get why, so since we've already started with the cake we proceed again. I'm already feeling like crap because my sister is upset for some reason and I don't full understand why at this point. After the cake is cut, we open my sister's gift. She has written a very thoughtful card giving us advice on what our older child might be feeling when his little sister is born. At this point I start to understand why she is upset because in the card it leads up to us finding out if we're having a boy or a girl. Then we were to open the gift and find some pink clothes for the baby girl that we're expecting.

At this point it becomes clear as to why my sister was feeling like an idiot, because she wanted her gift to be the big reveal and apparently my mom knew about this but never emphasized the importance of my sisters gift to me. So, I feel like an a$$ the rest of the night, even though I had no idea what my sister had intended, even though that was not our intention at all for the big reveal. The next few days we were all kind of down in the dumps about everything. We all managed to move on, but there were still (and are) hurt feelings about this whole event.

Right now, DH and I are still trying to come up with some names that we really like, but have been struggling, so I've been casually talking to my mom about what's on our list, etc. We kept all of our names a secret with DS until he was born, because we didn't want anybody elses opinions and we really didn't know what his name would be until a few hours before he was born. So, I really shouldn't have been talking to my mom about our girl names but I was feeling very frustrated and just needed to talk it out and see if I could come up with some other names that we might like.

So, my mom started talking to my sister about it without my knowing, once I found out I told them both that once DH and I had a few that we really liked I wouldn't talk about it anymore until she was born. My sister didn't get why, so my mom continued to tell her things behind my back. Even though I explained to my mom why I didn't want to discuss it with really anyone, she did it anyway. Last night we were on Skype with them, and my mom asked my son what his sisters name was. Then she goes, Is it Abby? Abigal is one of the names on our list. I'm a little shocked that she said anything, and then my sister goes, "You can't name her that because I already have a niece named Abby!" Ugh! Exactly why I didn't want to discuss this with anyone, and had thought that my own mother would respect those wishes. It's not my sisters place to help name our child, and it isn't the grandmother's place either.

So, to sum everything up I just feel a bit betrayed by my mother that she wasn't able to keep the secret of the sex of the baby at all (she also told close friends before we knew) and that she couldn't keep her mouth shut about our possible name choices when I told her that I really didn't want to share them.

Am I wrong here? If so, I will gladly suck it up and deal with it. But, if I'm not wrong, what do I do? Nothing? Because, really, what can I do? Aside from stop talking about names with anyone other than DH. And the bump, of course.

Anyway, sorry for the super long post I just really needed to get this out, and feel slightly better now that I have. Thanks for reading!

KatB12 · June 2012

Honestly I don't think you should have felt bad about not opening up the gift. Your plan was to do the cake and your sister wanted it done her way so she could shine. Sounds selfish to be honest.

Regarding the names- again she sounds controlling and rude. It is your choice what to name your child and not hers or your mothers. Unfortunately the only advice I have is to pick and chose what you talk to your family about, unless you want to hear their opinions. It is really sad that your mom is acting like this since you want to confide in her, but you need to be prepared from now on that everytime you go to your mom she is probably telling your sister and their will be unsolictied advice from them. I would probably distance myself from them to be honest.

MIL is like this so I have taken it upon myself to just let H deal with her. Always has her opinions about anything- so I don't tell her anything and H is a guy who barely opens up to her.

MrsW722 · June 2012

KatB12:

Honestly I don't think you should have felt bad about not opening up the gift. Your plan was to do the cake and your sister wanted it done her way so she could shine. Sounds selfish to be honest.

Regarding the names- again she sounds controlling and rude. It is your choice what to name your child and not hers or your mothers. Unfortunately the only advice I have is to pick and chose what you talk to your family about, unless you want to hear their opinions. It is really sad that your mom is acting like this since you want to confide in her, but you need to be prepared from now on that everytime you go to your mom she is probably telling your sister and their will be unsolictied advice from them. I would probably distance myself from them to be honest.

MIL is like this so I have taken it upon myself to just let H deal with her. Always has her opinions about anything- so I don't tell her anything and H is a guy who barely opens up to her.

Thank you for all of this! If I could, I would give you the biggest hug right now. I definitely won't partake in these discussions anymore. That's what I was thinking that I should do, but it's nice to hear that someone else agrees with me and it's not the hormones talking. Thank you, again!

khill86 · June 2012

Unfortunately I don't think there's much you can do. You COULD express your disappointment but it will just lead to more hurt feelings. I would just assume that your mom can't be trusted with a secret and not share anything you don't want everyone to find out about.

I've had issues with my mom through my pregnancy. We've never been particularly close but I've tried to share what I was comfortable with so she felt included. But every time I did, I was met with judgement so I stopped. She doesn't like the baby's name, she didn't approve of me going to the cottage at 35 weeks, she didn't like my leaving my sister's wedding after their first dance at 38 weeks, she doesn't agree with our decision not to have anyone at the hospital, she thinks I'm going to make our baby stupid by not using a mobile, she thinks our baby will die if he goes to his nursery immediately, it just goes on. I don't tell her anything anymore. Every Tuesday she asks about my appointments, I say it was good but don't give her any details. She doesn't know we're expected to go late and I'll have my membranes swept when I'm 3 days overdue and a just-in-case induction scheduled for 4 days after that.

Whenever something has come up that I thought was worth defending, I did, but it's not worth it to me to carry on any negative feelings. I just take her for what she is and move on. We just don't say anything we aren't willing to hear her advice/her opinion on.

angeleighhh · June 2012

Not to be rude, but your sister does sound incredibly selfish and she should kind of feel like an idiot because she wanted to ruin your surprise. Glad you didn't open that gift! looks like your mom doesn't know how to be quiet when it comes to information, I totally would distance myself as well!

MrsW722 · June 2012

Thanks everyone! I definitely feel better now, and will keep future name discussions between DH and I.

jw87 · June 2012

It sounds like your Mother can't keep a secret... should have learned the first time with the gender. That being said, your sister sounds like a wacko for ruining your reveal moment, you wanted it to be by a cake not some gift from her. It sounds like a "look at meeee" thing with your sister. She needs to get over it, she wasn't even suppose to know.

If I was you, I'd forget about "secrets"... they don't last in your family it sounds like, nothing you can do now.

MrsW722 · June 2012

jw87:
It sounds like your Mother can't keep a secret... should have learned the first time with the gender. That being said, your sister sounds like a wacko for ruining your reveal moment, you wanted it to be by a cake not some gift from her. It sounds like a "look at meeee" thing with your sister. She needs to get over it, she wasn't even suppose to know.

If I was you, I'd forget about "secrets"... they don't last in your family it sounds like, nothing you can do now.

So true! She can't keep a secret, and I should have learned, but I wanted to be able to confide in her. I've learned my lesson now.

Sarahrun · June 2012

I guess I just don't understand giving your mother all this power over the reveal-better to do the thing where no one in your family knows and you just give the envelope to the bakery. Or just go out to dinner and open it together. You kind of open yourself up to this stuff with such a complicated plan that relies on other people doing what you want.

jlh2716 · June 2012

Not wrong for being irritated/disappointed, no; your mom can't keep her trap shut, and you sister sounds like a brat (sorry, I'm not trying to offensive!). However, you hit the nail on the head in that there's nothing you can do about it now. Let what's happened go, but just don't discuss things with your mother or sister unless you want it spread about. Sorry you're going through this, though!

FemShep · June 2012

You're not wrong for being irritated and disappointed, but by now I think you should understand that your mom and sister are both drama queens. You've said your relationships with them both have been dysfunctional for some time, in large part because of your mom's behavior. And your mom has pretty clearly shown she can't be trusted to respect your wishes in any way or to keep information confidential.

You can't control how your mom and sister act, but you can control the power that you give them. STOP telling your mom stuff. And have more direct conversations with your sister. I understand wanting them both to have a big part in your life right now, but since you can't trust them to behave appropriately, you need to take responsibility for the power you give them over you.

MrsW722 · June 2012

Sarahrun:
I guess I just don't understand giving your mother all this power over the reveal-better to do the thing where no one in your family knows and you just give the envelope to the bakery. Or just go out to dinner and open it together. You kind of open yourself up to this stuff with such a complicated plan that relies on other people doing what you want.

I was just trying to do something special that included her since we only see them a few times a year. What's done is done, so now I know not to do this again if there is a next time.

Sarahrun · June 2012

I'm sorry what I said sounded kind of harsh. It's just that it sounded like kind of a recipe for disaster with any family member that likes drama. Good luck with everything and congratulations!

MrsW722 · June 2012

Sarahrun:
I'm sorry what I said sounded kind of harsh. It's just that it sounded like kind of a recipe for disaster with any family member that likes drama. Good luck with everything and congratulations!

That's okay. It was obviously a bad idea, and I'm still paying for it. I tend to give them the benefit of the doubt, and am often disappointed. It's a hard lesson to learn when it's your own family.

Oh, and thank you! Good luck to you, too!

JemLeu · June 2012

No, You are not wrong.

Just keep your mouth closed for the rest of the pregnancy when it comes to those two.

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