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Late Term and Child Loss
philfemgal
member
WWYD? Projecting Our Grief onto Litter of Kittens
philfemgal
member
We have been having a really rough time in the last three weeks or so. We had our due date, we found out a very close friend is pregnant, we had our first cycle TTCAL and were unsuccessful. We've both been so very down and life is seeming extremely empty right now.
About a month ago just as we returned home after a vacation we found a mother cat and her three kittens living right off our property under a shed on the property next door. The house next door has been empty for a few months and we found the mother cat trying to scavenge cat food cans out of our recycling bin so it seemed pretty clear that they were strays/ferals. The kittens at that point were maybe about 6 weeks and of course amazingly adorable. The mom looked very skinny and sort of ragged. We started leaving food and water out for them every night. And my wife who is a total cat lover began trying to work with the kittens to socialize them a bit.
Our plan was to eventually take them in to our local humane society where the kittens would be fostered until they were socialized and ready to be adopted. And we assumed the mom would probably just go through the catch and release program and be sent back home with us to be released to continue being feral since we didn't think she'd be able to be socialized. But we decided to leave the kittens be with their mother for another week or two since they were so young and we thought it would be easier to trap them if we got to know them a bit.
Fast forward a month and the kittens and mom are still here. The kittens are probably about 10 weeks old now and we have been struggling all this time with what to do about them. We have been feeding them every day and often go and visit them and try to lure them out with treats. So of course we started to get attached. My wife named them all--Diane (the mother), Roz (the largest black kitten who seems to be the brave one), Ada (grey kitten), and Blaise (the most adorable who is a spitting image of the mother with grey and white face and seems the most vulnerable and playful). And now not only are we attached as anyone would be to adorable kittens living in their backyard, but we are also projecting all of our grieving for Alice and emotions about TTC again onto these cats.
At first I started identifying with Diane--being jealous that she has these babies to protect and breastfeed and scavenge for. Then I started feeling guilty at the idea of removing the kittens from Diane since I am a mother without my baby. My wife also has finally gotten Diane to be comfortable around her as she feeds and plays with the kittens and it just kills us to think that this cat is trusting us around her babies and we are going to take them away from her.
My wife has also been feeling like life is so bleak right now and this family of cats is at least one bright spot. I have the same feeling when I happen to glance outside and see them running through the yard. And so everyday we say "what are we going to do about the cats?" And yet the next day we are no closer to doing what we think is best (bringing the kittens in to the humane society be socialized and adopted and Diane to be spayed and released.) We both know that this is really about our grief and that we are being crazy, but knowing that doesn't help us actually do anything!
My wife thinks that it would be easier to take the kittens and mom in if we were to keep one of the kittens (Blaise--the cutest one) and socialize him ourselves and then add him to our household of pets--2 adult indoor cats and a dog. I am hesitant about this because we already have a good number of pets and we weren't planning on more. I know that having a cute kitten around might make us feel a little better in the short term, but this would be an emotional and financial commitment to the kitten for its entire life. So I am worried that "filling the void" this way might not be the best idea. On the other hand life seems so difficult and so bleak right now that maybe we should embrace anything that helps us get through.
On the other hand, we could also leave them as ferals but get them spayed and vaccinated through the humane society's trap and release program. We would then continue to socialize them a bit and would feed them and keep an eye on them. I think this might be the easiest thing for us emotionally--then we can keep the family together and still get enjoyment from seeing them everyday. The biggest worries we have about this are if something were to happen to one of the kittens we would feel so guilty that we could have prevented that by taking them in and allowing them to be adopted. Also we are likely going to be moving out of state at some point in the future--and definitely will be moving out of this house sometime in the next few years--and what would happen to the cats then? We're certainly not going to move a family of feral cats across the country.
So we are stuck between what we know is intellectually the best thing to do (just take them all in to the humane society and split them up) and what feels possible for us emotionally given our state right now.
Anyone have any advice?
BFP #1 9/21/11. EDD 6/4/12. Twins discovered at 8 weeks. Twin B lost at 14 weeks due to megacystis. Alice Joe born and lost 1/5/12 at 18.5 weeks due to pre-term labor.
BFP #2 7/11/12. EDD 3/23/13. Ada Alice born 3/20/13.
BFP #2 7/11/12. EDD 3/23/13. Ada Alice born 3/20/13.
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Re: WWYD? Projecting Our Grief onto Litter of Kittens
I think if you can realistically keep one of them than it would help with the taking the rest to the shelter.
Kittens get adopted pretty easily, have you thought about petsmart or a no kill shelter? You could take the mother too and know she was safe and in a good place. Often they have people who will foster feral cats for them in attempt to rehabilitate them.
I hope you find the choice that works well for you, just make sure you talk with eachother about the decision b/c it will impact both of you grief and healing as well.
I'm a cat person too. We had a boy and girl from the same litter, and sadly we had to put the girl down about two weeks after we lost our daughter. It was absolutely heart breaking.
These little kittens must be so cute! What a dilemma. I know it must be hard, but I think you really need to consider what would be best for the kittens. They would be so loved if they could be adopted and taken care of. They would bring a lot of joy to someone, they would become part of someone's family. It already sounds like you have a house full, but if you think you would be able to care for another, it might be nice to take one in.
It makes me so sad when I see stray cats, I always want to take them home. But I know that's a bad idea, a feral cat doesn't make a good pet.
You'll figure out what is best for you and the little kitties. Keep us posted on what you decide.
Thanks all for the advice.
We currently have two of the kittens in a crate in what was to be our baby's room. We are planning to keep one of the kittens and bring the other to the local humane society tomorrow to be fostered. The mom and the other kitten were apparently too smart--or not hungry enough--to be trapped tonight so we're hoping my wife can get them tomorrow.
Our hearts are kind of hurting right now knowing the mom and other kitten are alone out there probably scared and wondering what we are doing with the others. But at least no matter what these two kittens will have good homes (and most likely we can get the mom and third kitten and they will too.)
BFP #2 7/11/12. EDD 3/23/13. Ada Alice born 3/20/13.