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June 2011 Moms
kaitylin
member
Need MIL help...
kaitylin
member
My MIL is really over the top and I don't know how to handle her. We don't see her too often since she lives far away but when she does visit I can't handle her. First of all, she does not listen to me at all regarding DD. She will think DD is cold and go change her out of what I've dressed her in (when DD is fine) and then when I've told her she needs to just go with what we say she says "I can't stand to see a baby suffer!" (Like I'm torturing my child or something...) And it's everything - she will always do basically the exact opposite of what I ask - stuff bottles in DD's mouth if she even cries for a second even though I've repeatedly said we are trying to calm her in other ways and get her off the bottle (like she will literally wrestle me... she bit me once because I tried to take something from her of mine and she wouldn't listen...not even exaggerating) She acts like a baby and criticizes other strangers parenting to their face in public all the time (your baby really needs socks on, that looks dangerous, your babies hair is in his face you need clips, etc...) and she thinks she's being a hero and saving all these babies from misery. At DD's birthday party on the weekend anytime DD anything she said "I taught her that! Doesn't she look just like me!" and would grab her from me and hold her up to her face and walk around and ask EVERYONE. Anytime anyone's baby cried she went over and got in their babies face and started singing and telling the parents "I've got it - look your baby likes ME, I can make them happy". She is majorly hyper and can't sit still for one second and is constantly in DD's face blowing on her, and screaming the ABC's over and over again and it's driving me nuts. I just want her to back off. A few people after my party asked what the heck was wrong with her and said it looked like she wants to kidnap DD (not really of course but she kept grabbing her from me and taking her away).
She implies that if I let DD cry at all (before bed for a couple minutes to fall asleep) that I'm being cruel and says "I guess I just have more motherly instincts" WTF? Are you saying I don't have motherly instincts? Last time she visited we had a long talk and I explained that she needs to let us learn from our mistakes even if her parenting style is different and I thought she got it but this time was just as bad. She takes credit for everything DD does and refuses to listen to me about everything saying "I just have to do what best for the child. I guess I just care about children". DH is at work and doesn't see it but has talked to her and she doesn't get it. She literally is in DD's face constantly and won't let her have any space because she doesn't know how to relax (doesn't read, doesn't watch tv, doesn't cook, doesn't use a computer - nothing. she has zero hobbies and is major ADHD so she hovers over me all day and criticizes what I do and literally sings and blows in DD's face or rattles toys at her with no break. I''m going to go crazy... How do you deal with someone who just doesn't get it?
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Re: Need MIL help...
In our home, if someone doesn't respect our wishes with our child they are not invited back. We haven't had major issues ourselves,but my sister had problems with my mother. We both agreed that if we had problems with anyone, they would not be allowed to do it again. As it is my mom is not allowed to be alone with Ash due to her drinking again.
Of course you would both have to be on the same page, and it doesn't sound like yh is. If you must continue to be around her I would get more aggressive...not fighting :P but not letting her take dd away from you, or having physical contact at all.
June Bugs Blog
So sorry, my mom does some weird stuff too. At her party she showed up 2 hours late then grabbed DD from me. She walked all around the hall. When I took DD back to play with the other babies my mom kept telling me "no, she's fine, she's having fun." When I insisted she just pouted. After cake DD was about done (she only napped for 30 minutes in the AM), so I was just trying to keep her happy and calm. I had to do something and gave her to MIL who was trying to get her to put her head down and rest and my mom said bye to me and then stormed out and made my dad leave...
This weekend she was here and same thing, only wants to hold DD and walk around. I kept telling her to sit on the floor and play with her, but she wants to have DD away from me, because DD doesn't see her much so if I'm around she'll fuss for me. It drives me nuts. My dad is great, he understands that she doesn't see them often. So he'll sit on the floor by me and play with her, if she wants me, he lets her come to me, and she warms up to him super fast, my mom, not so much.
I think your DH needs to put his foot down, but your not doing anything wrong, and your child is not being tortured.
Just know, your not alone.
My MIL is the same way. Busy bee, attention issues, and no matter how you phrase things or how many times you say them, she doesn't get it. To make it worse, shes super dramatic and I am always the bad guy.
Anyway, my MIL is not a terrible person, and I'm sure yours isn't either. I think we both have MILs who want to feel needed, special to our families, and feel involved with our LOs (even though they really arent).
I don't have any advice for MIL (since I am currently in the dog house with my own), but as a mama to a mama, you need to speak up for your own peace of mind. You need to talk with DH about it and make sure he truly understands. Tell him how it makes you feel like an inferior mom, not listened to, etc. I would also try to be more blunt with MIL. Mine always twists my words, so I am finding out that the less I say but more boldly I state it, the more she understands (which is still not a lot, but oh well). You cannot let yourself feel that way about your own child and in your own home!
As far as the "I taught her that" comments, I'd say, "you know, I work with her quite a bit at home. We are very proud of what she can accomplish at such a young age. All the reinforcement she can get from you would help!" Maybe ask MIL to help her learn how to wave or something. That might make her feel needed. I would also address the "looks like me" comments, just because I get those too and it makes me nuts. I always smile and say, "Really? That's cute because most people say she looks like me, but I guess I can see a little bit of you in her eyes" or something. Ignoring her comments will only make her say it again, and only make you go crazy. GL!
This!?!? Maybe she needs to be institutionalized lol
Yup, all this. I could barely handle reading that description, you are a saint for putting up with that lady.
WOW...You just described my MIL to a T!! Ugh... WTF is wrong with these crazy bizatches?!? My MIL came to visit last weekend and she brought along two cards from her birthday 2 years ago that sing annoying songs when opened. She kept opening them to play & then the second the music turned off she would close & open the cards again!! So f-ing annoying!! Then she was all crazy happy because she "taught" them how to dance when they've been doing it for months & she's witnessed it. She also brought along some noise maker she got at a Spurs game & kept rattling it in their faces 24/7. God, I can't stand it, I dread them coming over, & I'm the "mala" (bad girl) in her spanish speaking terms. F her!!