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Holly_1007
member
looks like we're not moving after all....
Holly_1007
member
DH finally received the news today (after being postponed twice) he did not receive the position he has interviewed for.
there was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, not going to lie, but my heart hurts for DH who REALLY REALLY wanted this.
not even 15 mins after he got the e-mail he said "well looks like I will just have to look for something else down there"
I'm sorry, what?
I told him that I thought we should discuss everything further but it wasn't really the time, I wanted to give him time to deal with the "loss" of the job.
after we put DS to bed we sat down and talked and I told him that I would NOT be encouraging him to move that far away. I know he is unhappy with his job, and I am completely supportive of him finding a new job around here, but we do NOT have the savings to make a major move. and I stated again that I'm not comfortable with him leaving SD.
well it turned into a huge fight, that I was "crushing his dream" he said he's not being selfish he wants to do whats best for the family, he will never find anything up here that he will be happy with, its not my position to get involved with him leaving SD behind etc. etc.
we ended up just going around and around in circles for a while, of course I was in tears and I ended the conversation by saying "do whatever you want, DS, the baby and I will NOT be moving until we can financially afford to do so"
anyway, just wanted to update you all, thank you for your advice and encouragement throughout this ordeal. we have a therapy apt on saturday and I am hoping to be able to bring up the situation in a more neutral environment. If anyone has any other suggestions on how to approach the subject, either between now and then, or at the appointment I would really appreciate it!
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Re: looks like we're not moving after all....
Sorry, I still think he's acting like a child. Adults understand that you don't always get what you want when you want it. Asking him to wait until your finances support it is perfectly reasonable.
You telling him that you're not comfortable leaving SD isn't getting in the middle. You're allowed to have an opinion and express it.
I wouldn't bring it up at all between now and your therapy appointment. You're not telling him that he can't look for something, or that he can't take another job. If he wants to fight over it, tell him to look for some place that will help pay for relocation.
I think its fight night. DH and I had a fight too not over a job just fight over SD and DS... and how he only punishes DS when hes mean not SD.
I want to move to my hometown to be closer to my family it would be cheaper rent more on gas for him to work but I would be more comfortable there.
Hope your DH gets his crap together and starts acting like a human but he is a male so acting like assholes is what they are best at haha
Being that I don't actually know your husband lol One thing that worked when my husband brought up "wanting to be more fulfilled in his job and provide for his family" in taking a job that would have thrown our life in further upheaval- we talked about what "doing the best for our family/providing for our family" meant to us. Your husband said his intentions/actions weren't selfish because he wants what's best for his family. Has he defined that? I told my husband that providing for us meant more than monetary support- his presence in our lives provided a lot of help- far more than what this money was going to gain us.That if he wanted what was best for our family- that needed to include our whole family- your SD is apart of that family- so how is this what's best for her.
This could be a man who just wants what he wants and is justifying it- but he may genuinely believes this is what's best- I'd challenge him to explain that. At least then he'd have to own up to how uprooting and moving you all and adding financial burden is in fact "what's best."
However I would wait until your therapy session to do so- men get really defensive when they get challenged and that defensiveness can cloud logical thinking a neutral party can help curb some of that. I don't know if that will work for you- or if that's something you've already gone around about.
I will be praying for you both- that has to be incredibly difficult and I can't imagine what you're feeling but my thoughts are with you. Lots of hugs your way.
Being that I don't actually know your husband lol One thing that worked when my husband brought up "wanting to be more fulfilled in his job and provide for his family" in taking a job that would have thrown our life in further upheaval- we talked about what "doing the best for our family/providing for our family" meant to us. Your husband said his intentions/actions weren't selfish because he wants what's best for his family. Has he defined that? I told my husband that providing for us meant more than monetary support- his presence in our lives provided a lot of help- far more than what this money was going to gain us.That if he wanted what was best for our family- that needed to include our whole family- your SD is apart of that family- so how is this what's best for her.
I agree with this. DH and I argue about his work a lot. I think his view of taking care of the family is making a lot of money. This is extra stressful for him because he's a contractor who gets paid on commission. So he works A LOT, especially during his busy season. But my view of taking care of the family is being around! Growing up, my dad worked until 6pm every day and was home for dinner every night; he came to all the sports events and we got to visit him at work a lot. I always envisioned having a family like that. I love DH dearly, and though I'm sometimes disappointed, we're making things work the way we can.
I'd talk to your DH like PP said, and try to understand where he's coming from. I think a lot of this stuff (expectations) depends on how one was raised.
I don't get how he can say you are "crushing his dream". I thought his dream was to get that job that he now didn't get? So how does moving to the same area fulfill a dream that has just been nixed? If his dream is to live in a different state (away from his child) that's completely ridiculous. I think there is more to why he wants to move than a job. Jobs are pretty scarce everywhere. I know you know this but he just needs to ride out the downturn where you guys are and wait till his dream jobs open up where you live now.
Good luck with therapy, I hope it helps. And ditto to the PP, wait till therapy to address it. That way you have a third party there that can keep the discussion on track and see the dynamic between the two of you and it will only help the therapist help you.
unless when you talk to him again and he can explain how moving is whats best for everyone you need to prepare yourself and kids so that if he decides to move anyway. if he decides to move anyway are you going to stick to your statement that you will not move.
it sucks to think of these things but its important to have a plan so if the worse happens you know what you will do as a single parent. best of luck sweetie.
Your H seems to like running away from his problems. He runs to mommy, he runs to a job in a different state. The thing is, he can move across the globe, but he'll still be with himself, and his problems will still be there!
I cannot believe he had the b*lls to tell you it's not your place to get involved with him leaving SD behind. I would tell him that abandoning a child is against your values, and you won't be with a partner who's values do not allign with yours.
It's sad that you seem to care more about SD in this regard than her father does.
There is quite a bit of backstory missing from my post, I will try to summarize:
we live in new england, DH has a crappy job, we barely make ends meet. he has a 6 yr old from a previous relationship, BM is BSC. he is trying to get us to move away from all our friends/ family and SD in order to pursue his "dream job" as a police officer. he has been looking for 3+yrs actively and many more passively where we live and can get nowhere. his age is putting a rush on things. we do not have the money to move. he went behind my back and traveled to SC to interview for a job that he made it pretty far in the application process but was denied the position yesterday.
there is much much more than that, but thats the gist.
he has been actively searching all over our state for the past 3 years (and passively for years before that) MA is just SO darn political. you have to know the friggen governor to even be considered for a position at ANY pd.
I know he is miserable at his job. I'm trying to encourage him to look at other things, such as a campus police officer (there are 12 colleges in the city we live in) or private security etc.
I'm finally seeing what you ladies have been trying to tell me, he is trying to run. I'm pretty sure from BM, and with that goes SD. I'm trying to be a supportive wife, but at the same time look out for EVERYONE'S best interest. I'm feeling very stressed and stretched in so many directions. hopefully therapy is productive tomorrow morning...
I hate to be a pessimist but I really suggest you have a backup plan because he seems so willing to up and leave his child do do best by his family which clearly does not include his first born, if you guys hit bumpy enough roads he is likely to run fast. I am so sorry you are dealing with this and seem to be the only logical one in the relationship right now. I would just bring up your concerns in therapy, DH wants to move and follow his dream and take care of his family but I am concerned that it would be a huge stress on his relationship with his daughter and financially ruin us.
On a side note, I assume you are in/near Boston, has he looked in NH or RI?