NCP and Extra-curricular Activities

Birdy2011 · June 2012

Unlurking myself to ask your opinion on the NCP helping to pay for extracurricular activities.

BM is demanding my DH pay for SS1 (10) club Sport1 this season. I do not think that we should be paying for this activity though as DH already pays BM almost $2000/month in CS, and that is supposed to cover normal childhood costs and extracurricular activities per the CO. Her reasoning is that because ?she pays? for SS1 and SS2 (7.5) to play Sport2 that DH should pay for club Sport1. I?ll add that she did not consult DH before enrolling both boys in Sport2 ~3 years ago, and even after DH voiced his disagreement with putting them in that sport at all, she continued. I should also mention that should SS1 make the team for Sport2 this year, Sport1 is the defacto secondary sport in her opinion (e.g. Sport2 games trump Sport1 games, and if there is a conflict then the Sport1 game would be missed.) I?m positive he will make the Sport2 team, and he will end up playing hardly any of Sport1 this season, and our money will completely go to waste.

I think if she wants SS1 to play both sports so badly, she should pay for it using the CS she gets every month ? that is what it?s for. But she says she is stretched too thin and DH must pick up the slack or SS1 won't play Sport1, even though BM recently finished building a swimming pool in her backyard. Are you kidding me?!

DH and I are talking about TTC (possibly a different post sometime), and we are finally getting back on track after a year and a half of struggling with his unemployment and underemployment - I'll add that CS was paid on time, every time while we went through this. Is it wrong to draw the line at just paying the CS every month (plus half of medical expenses when they occur as stipulated in the CO)? He is leaning toward paying for Sport1, and I say no. When does the family we are talking about starting and saving for take precedence over satisfying her demands and apparent inability to budget her money? Sure, she can build a pool that we help pay for I'm sure, and then also she can make us pay extra for something that is supposed to be covered by the CS already?! No, thank you.

I feel like she views us as her overflow bank that she thinks she can just cash in on any time she feels like it. I don?t want to cater to those whims. Am I wrong here?

CFjo2010 · June 2012

If it's already outlined in the CO that the monthly CS is supposed to cover extracurricular activities, then no. Your husband is under no obligation to pay for 1/2 the activities. If you guys can afford to pay for the shoes SS will need, or the uniform (if it's not included), or healp with whatever fundraising he will need to do then that's great. But if you genuinely cannot afford, then there's no reason you should stretch yourselves thin to accommodate BM's lack of priorities. If it came down to building a pool in my backyard or putting my kids in the football and cheer they love doing, football and cheer would win.

Holly_1007 · June 2012

you are probably going to get mixed reviews on this, but IMO if he is already paying a lot in CS (which he is) and even managed to pay when he was unemployed, you are not obligated to pay. yes, it would be nice if he could pay if he has some extra $$ but if you are having to make big financial changes in order to do it- no way. plus, its not like he isn't playing a sport anyway.

is it possible BM is just trying to see if she can get it out of DH? and regardless of if he pays half or not she will sign him up anyway?

I agree with you- your DH pays a lot already. if DH wants to pay for SS to play a sport at his house when he is visiting with DH thats something completely different.

christy2125 · June 2012

The way we deal with this in our situation is, any extra curricular that we put SD in we pay for, anything that BM puts her in for she pays for. My DH currently pays over 400 bucks a month in child support plus all medical expenses. So anything that my SD wants to do at her moms house is on them, however if she wants to do something for the summer or just anything extra during our time, we do pay for her to do it. But that just has happened to work for us in the past. That way we are only paying for what we know SD really wants to do, plus we have more control about her going to practices and stuff.

dmndsr4eva · June 2012

The way I have read is that any "extraordiany" expenses would be considered in child support. I always viewed that as private school, tutoring, summer camp type stuff? And as far as agreeing to these things I think a judge would figure in what seems reasonable. He can't deny his kids opportunities to save money for his future children who aren't even born yet.

I don't know how much sports are as my son is not in them yet. But if this went to court I would think a judge might include it under "extraordinary" expenses and it would be factored into the cs. I don't think your ex should pay for the full amount but in the interest of goodwill maybe he should voluntarily pay for half of the uniform or whatever the money is for.

I'm sorry to say but you sound a bit immature and spoiled. I won't judge you for that though because I've been there and done that. What I learned is that those kids will come first until they at least turn 18. Your family and your bio kids together will get whatever is left after that cs is paid. If your H doesn't help those kids with sports, etc their mom will make sure to let them know how little dad is helping and the kids will likely get pissy. That was my experience. And something you will just have to accept.

CFjo2010 · June 2012

dmndsr4eva:

I don't know how much sports are as my son is not in them yet. But if this went to court I would think a judge might include it under "extraordinary" expenses and it would be factored into the cs. I don't think your ex should pay for the full amount but in the interest of goodwill maybe he should voluntarily pay for half of the uniform or whatever the money is for.

I'm sorry to say but you sound a bit immature and spoiled. I won't judge you for that though because I've been there and done that. What I learned is that those kids will come first until they at least turn 18. Your family and your bio kids together will get whatever is left after that cs is paid. If your H doesn't help those kids with sports, etc their mom will make sure to let them know how little dad is helping and the kids will likely get pissy. That was my experience. And something you will just have to accept.

Actually, a lot of Judges would say "if you can't afford it on your own and Dad has already said 'no', then don't sign them up". Also, OP already said that it's stated in the CO the CS covers extracurriculars. And how is OP the selfish one? BM had the money to build a swimming pool but now can't put the money together for the kids to play sports? That seems pretty selfish and spoiled.

TheBuddha · June 2012

tifanico:

If its outlined in the CO that CS is supposed to cover for extracurricular activities then don't pay a dime.

Now if your husband is paying that amount of CS its because the court considered he could afford it.

This, but if he was unemployed or has a different job now, you should do modify the amount he is paying in CS. It is a worksheet you fill out, you really don't even need to use your lawyer.

Ginlyn0 · June 2012

The way we do it is whomever signs them up pays. I pay all of DD's band, girl scout, sports, ect. because I sign her up. If her BD wanted to sign her up for something, I would expect him to pay. BM pays for my SK's sport costs because she signs them up. I also pay for SD's girl scout trips/camps, ect because I signed her up for scouts.

rachi1285 · June 2012

We don't pay any CS for my two skids (knock on wood!), so I can't relate to that. But as far as kids activities go; we check with BM and she with us when the activities are long-term like gymastics for 10 weeks, etc. If we all agree, we split the tuition in half but purchase our own uniform, shoes, leotard, etc. (that way we don't have to worry about the kids losing or forgetting anything at her house) If she signed one of them up for something like that without checking with us, I'd be against helping pay for it and I'd hope DH would too (especially if we couldn't afford it)!

It sounds like your BM is the one pushing this second sport, so she can take care of paying for it. Just make sure she knows that in the future you expect her to check with you BEFORE signing them up for anything!!

blush64 · June 2012

tifanico:
TheBuddha:
tifanico:

If its outlined in the CO that CS is supposed to cover for extracurricular activities then don't pay a dime.

Now if your husband is paying that amount of CS its because the court considered he could afford it.

This, but if he was unemployed or has a different job now, you should do modify the amount he is paying in CS. It is a worksheet you fill out, you really don't even need to use your lawyer.

I completely agree. Those are substantial changes and for that reason you should go to court and get it adjusted. I have dealt with this with BF and it just bothers me that some people talk about CS as if it was unfair the amount they are paying.

I agree with this. At least here CS is calculated by how much the person earns so if he pays more it's because he was earning more. (if that changed then he should ask them to re-calculate it)

I agree that if sports/activities are supposed to be covered by CS (as stated in a CO) then he shouldn't have to pay unless he wants to and can afford to.

IVFBeliever · June 2012

Don't pay. My DH pays over $2000.00 a month and she uses it to do things like you are saying, putting a pool in, buying a second car (a sports car) purchasing a trailer, and not spending it on the kids....meanwhile we are by NO means living the high-life. If you pay alot already, and it is money meant to cover these types of activities as per your court order, than there is no way in hell you should pay. And no you do not sound spoiled. My step kids BM tries to pull the same stunts. THEY NEED TO MANAGE THEIR MONEY AND USE THE MONEY THAT IS MEANT FOR THE KIDS, FOR THE KIDS!!!!

HisChamaoleGirl · June 2012

My response is strictly based on the fact you stated that cs has extracurricular activities factored into the amount of cs is to be paid monthly. The other factors you mentioned like the pool, I didn't even consider.

SueBear · June 2012

BM can demand all she wants - if the CO states that extracurriculars are included in child support, demanding ain't getting!

For me, it would boil down to what is the significance of Sport 1 in SS's life. I'm a little confused, and I think the two sports have become a pissing match for BM and your H. If Sport1 is what your H wants him to play (or be able to play) and BM's not going to pay for it - would your H be ok with SS not playing Sport1? Would SS be ok with not playing Sport1?

If my child had a passion for a sport and it came down to me paying or my child not participating, I'd cough up the money, even if that meant someone else was "getting their way" or "taking advantage of me." I'd rather that my child be happy than being a "winner" in a fight with another parent.

As DD is getting closer to middle school, I am seeing more and more kids being directed by their parents on what sports / activities / instruments to play (or don't play), and IMO it is just sad! Let the kids choose what they want!

karatechrissy · June 2012

He needs to tell her (politely) that the money he pays her in CS is specifically stated to go toards extracurriculars, and that he will not be able to contribute any extra money for it. If he gives in now, he will set a prescident for future. Stop it before it gets out of hand.

SunshineMuffin · June 2012

tifanico:

Now if your husband is paying that amount of CS its because the court considered he could afford it.

This is untrue. Certain states (mine included), calculate child support based upon GROSS income, not net. DH pays CS in an amount which is MORE than one paycheck per month. Granted, I know this is not the case in every state, but it is in some.

SunshineMuffin · June 2012

wendilea:
The courts consider CS to be the primary responsibility, so yes, they look at gross and calculate CS based on that. They don't care how much you're paying for medical, 401K, flex spending, etc.
Sunshine - I'm just curious how his CS is more than his paycheck? Are you saying he brings NOTHING home or that the amount of his CS is equal to his take home for one check?

Actually, you're incorrect. There are some allowable deductions from salary before CS calculations. The CS is calculated based upon gross earnings. The massive taxes withheld each paycheck are not taken into consideration. We don't see his gross earnings; We see what's left after taxes are paid. Many states calculate based upon NET income, which makes far more sense.

His CS is MORE than one, net check.

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