New here-perspectives needed (long)

wishingstar11 · June 2012

I'll start from the beginning. DH and I met when we were still in high school, but didn't attend the same school. I worked in fast food and he happened to come in and that's where it all started. We were between 16-17 years old at the time. After getting to know each other a little and talking about dating, he informs me of a possible child with another girl. The way he put it to me was, "I may have a child, but I haven't seen or heard anything about it in a while, so I don't even know anything will come of it. So me, being 16-17 years old, I felt that if he was brushing it off that easily, then it must not be that serious, so I brushed it off as well. Fast forward a few years, DH gets word that they would like to do a DNA test. DH is willing and ready when they are, but they back out and there's no contact after that. DH and I get married and have children together, 3 of them. Out of the blue DH gets a phone call from his brother telling him that they've been searching for him and the child wanted to meet him. DH gives his brother permission to give BM his phone number and they speak unbeknownst to me, and then when DH gets home from work I am informed of the situation. At first I am accepting of the situation and try to be supportive of DH. But I am faking it, I don't know how to react. DH plans to meet the child, but doesn't want me there, he wants it to just be him and the child. I knew it wouldn't be that way. BM would be there too, and I knew this, so I asked DH if I could be there as well. DH got so mad and that caused a fight. Finally after constant arguing, he gave in and we went as a family as did they. It was so awkward. BM was dressed like a streetwalker and the child wouldn't even speak to DH. Instead, she texted him from across the table. Are you kidding me?! Fast forward a little more and there's just conversation between DH and the child, no more meetings, it's been about a year since the first one. Since that point it has been nothing but a few phone calls here and there and numerous texts back and forth. My issue is, why isn't he concerned with doing a DNA test before getting involved. I've asked many times, and the answer I get is, "I don't have time or money for the test." So I then ask, do you really think she's yours, and he says, I'm 90% sure. When I try to express my feelings to DH about this whole situation, it starts an argument and he tells me that it's none of my business and that he doesn't care how I feel about it. If I don't like the way he is or the way he does things, then I know where the door is. I mentioned to him last night that I wanted to speak to a counselor about our issues and get a perspective on everyone's behavior. DH's first response was, "That's gonna cost some money." And then he proceeded to tell me that there was no counselor that was going to agree with me. That's not what I was hoping for from a counselor anyway! I'm pretty much looking for a neutral opinion on our issues and the insensitivity that I feel like I receive from DH regarding this issue as well as others. So I'm not really sure what you'll get out of reading this post, or if you'll have any helpful advice, but I appreciate any offered.

SueBear · June 2012

If my DH ever told me something was going to be "this" way and "if I didn't like it, the door was that way," I'd inform him that the door swings BOTH ways, and if HE doesn't like it, his suitcase is in the basement.

From your post, I sense that child isn't the only issue you have with DH. I'll be honest - it seems like you married young, and I think you're finding out that you've outgrown your H / your relationship with H.

I would go to a counselor anyway - even if your H doesn't go. He doesn't know what he is talking about re: the counselor agreeing with him or with you. If he was so sure, why doesn't he go then, it should be a quick one session, the counselor would inform you that you are BSC, and everyone could go on their merry way? I think in counseling you may find your voice and it could provide you with tools to deal with your H. Do you have an EAP at work? They pay for a few sessions. There is also the United Way, etc.

I have no idea how much DNA tests cost, but I'd bet that if you got one, it isn't necessarily a lot of money. I think the expensive part is the lawyers, the "official" type of DNA tests. I've looked into checking my ancestry with a DNA test for less than $300.

Hopeforthebest · June 2012

I'll cut to the chase. If he THINKS a DNA test is expensive, he should price lawyers, and Child Support and Divorce (regarding him telling you where the door is). Not to mention the emotional toll this situation can and will cause everyone involved.

I completely agree with previous poster, there seems to be more issues regarding your relationship with DH. NO offense but he sounds like an A$$.

I hope you have a good support system, you and your children will need it regardless of how this goes with the child being his or not.

FutureMrsWittig · June 2012

SueBear:

If my DH ever told me something was going to be "this" way and "if I didn't like it, the door was that way," I'd inform him that the door swings BOTH ways, and if HE doesn't like it, his suitcase is in the basement.

From your post, I sense that child isn't the only issue you have with DH. I'll be honest - it seems like you married young, and I think you're finding out that you've outgrown your H / your relationship with H.

I would go to a counselor anyway - even if your H doesn't go. He doesn't know what he is talking about re: the counselor agreeing with him or with you. If he was so sure, why doesn't he go then, it should be a quick one session, the counselor would inform you that you are BSC, and everyone could go on their merry way? I think in counseling you may find your voice and it could provide you with tools to deal with your H. Do you have an EAP at work? They pay for a few sessions. There is also the United Way, etc.

I have no idea how much DNA tests cost, but I'd bet that if you got one, it isn't necessarily a lot of money. I think the expensive part is the lawyers, the "official" type of DNA tests. I've looked into checking my ancestry with a DNA test for less than $300.

Agree with all of this, especially the bolded.

The fact that he brushes off your feelings the way he does and tells you it's none of your business makes me think he's not all that invested in keeping your family together. Get yourself to counseling and start taking measures to make sure you'll be okay when/if you have to start talking about a separation.

riabiron · June 2012

you have a dh problem. he is an a$$

Nayna1mom · June 2012

FutureMrsWittig:
SueBear:

If my DH ever told me something was going to be "this" way and "if I didn't like it, the door was that way," I'd inform him that the door swings BOTH ways, and if HE doesn't like it, his suitcase is in the basement.

From your post, I sense that child isn't the only issue you have with DH. I'll be honest - it seems like you married young, and I think you're finding out that you've outgrown your H / your relationship with H.

I would go to a counselor anyway - even if your H doesn't go. He doesn't know what he is talking about re: the counselor agreeing with him or with you. If he was so sure, why doesn't he go then, it should be a quick one session, the counselor would inform you that you are BSC, and everyone could go on their merry way? I think in counseling you may find your voice and it could provide you with tools to deal with your H. Do you have an EAP at work? They pay for a few sessions. There is also the United Way, etc.

I have no idea how much DNA tests cost, but I'd bet that if you got one, it isn't necessarily a lot of money. I think the expensive part is the lawyers, the "official" type of DNA tests. I've looked into checking my ancestry with a DNA test for less than $300.

Agree with all of this, especially the bolded.

The fact that he brushes off your feelings the way he does and tells you it's none of your business makes me think he's not all that invested in keeping your family together. Get yourself to counseling and start taking measures to make sure you'll be okay when/if you have to start talking about a separation.

THIS above all this below bolded. Also, the health department around here does pretty cheap DNA testing, from what I've heard in the past. Check into there in your town.

Holly_1007 · June 2012

although I have to agree with PP's I'm going to attempt to play devils advocate here for a second. is it possible that DH really doesn't know how to handle the situation with the other child? he has a wife & kids already, and he probably knows this is a huge shock/ adjustment. maybe he doesn't want to get the DNA test because he doesn't want to feel like he abandoned the child? also, if the BM finds out about the DNA test she might be tempted to come after him for child support etc. seems like DH is trying to "protect" his family (you and your children) from the BM/SD.

ditto PP's, you guys should go to counseling where you can talk about it in a neutral setting.

karatechrissy · June 2012

riabiron:
you have a dh problem. he is an a$$

This. Your post is pretty telling of the type of person he is. I would never stand for being treated like that. If this aspect of your relationship is this terrible, I can't imagine how your life is. I'd be packing his bags for him and telling him that if he thought a DNA test was going to be alot, wait until he has to pay a lawyer and CS for the 3 children he has with you. Then I'd leave his sh*t on the porch and tell him your lawyer will be in contact with him. What a douche canoe.

Hopeforthebest · June 2012

wendilea:

Can't you get over the counter DNA tests at like Walgreens? I know it's not an official, legally binding test, but it would give him an idea. I think it's just saliva, and you mail it in to be analyzed.

I agree with PP that your DH is an @ss. You're young, please don't think you need to put up with that kind of abuse.

And that is EXACTLY what it is, abuse. Emotional abuse, and you don't need to stand for that, and don't need to have your kids grow up thinking that is the proper way for a dad to treat a mom. Or any person to treat another person for that matter.

wishingstar11 · June 2012

Thank you all for your input. I just wanted to get outside opinions to see if I was wrong for feeling the way that I do. Regarding a PP's post about over the counter DNA testing, yes, I have informed DH of these. I checked into it for him, but we decided that the $30 fee for the kit and the $130 fee for the testing is a little steep. I did some research and found one that we can purchase online and it's only $89 including the return shipping, I brought this to his attention, but I get the same response...He won't have time and we don't have that money either because he's the only one working (2 jobs) and paying bills. Against DH's opinions, I will be meeting with a counselor on Thursday. He cannot attend this session as he is away for military training until July, but I'm not counting on him to attend any session in the future as I am sure time will not permit.

wishingstar11 · June 2012

What is BSC?

HisChamaoleGirl · June 2012

wishingstar11:
Thank you all for your input. I just wanted to get outside opinions to see if I was wrong for feeling the way that I do. Regarding a PP's post about over the counter DNA testing, yes, I have informed DH of these. I checked into it for him, but we decided that the $30 fee for the kit and the $130 fee for the testing is a little steep. I did some research and found one that we can purchase online and it's only $89 including the return shipping, I brought this to his attention, but I get the same response...He won't have time and we don't have that money either because he's the only one working (2 jobs) and paying bills. Against DH's opinions, I will be meeting with a counselor on Thursday. He cannot attend this session as he is away for military training until July, but I'm not counting on him to attend any session in the future as I am sure time will not permit.

You're a military family? I would suggest looking the free counseling, whether it's for you and DH or just you, through militaryonesource.com. No excuse about cost can be made bc it's free

wishingstar11 · June 2012

Oh, wow! I was not aware of the service through military one source. Thank you so much, I will definitely look into it and get something set up.

wishingstar11 · June 2012

wendilea:
Jerry Springer will do the DNA test for free. Just sayin'

Haha! Yeah, I might have to bring that up to him. But then again...there probably won't be any time for that either.

HeartyMom · June 2012

So glad you're seeking your own form of support. It's so important that you have a resource where you can vent and workout your emotions. Needless to say- it's a horrible situation for everyone.

Unless someone followed BM around every second of everyday in high school- he can't be 90% sure of anything! DNA test all the way! The peace of mind alone is worth every penny.

Ask him what he'd do if a DNA test came back negative...? He could be torturing himself for no reason...

(I had a friend years ago who took the BM's word that he was the father. He spent two years bonding with the child and even paid child support voluntarily. One day, out of the blue, BM wanted a DNA test. Turned out that the child wasn't his! His relationship with the child was severed, and he was left broken for months. No one deserves that...)

znianiswan · June 2012

edited by mod

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