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Blended Families
I don't like BF's vacation plans...not sure if I should say no
So BF wants to take a week of vacation with DS because his family has a house on the beach for a week. Ok, no problem....except that for some dumb reason they got the house for the first week of school! I'm so frustrated by this situation. When you don't have kids, yeah ok it's probably cheaper but his sister got the house and her son is in 1st grade and DS is starting kindergarten that week!!! I told BF that I didn't want DS to miss the first week of school and he said that he would have him there the first couple of days and then DS would miss the second half of the week. I'm still just not ok with it. It's his FIRST year of school! This whole thing is really rubbing me the wrong way and I really want to say no. The only thing I have that I can say no to though according to how our CO is set up is that it is an out of state vacation and he needs my permission to take DS. I don't want to say no because it will create hostility I'm sure. Neither of us has had any reason yet to deny the other something like this and I fear it would just be a lot of bad drama if I say no.
Am I overreacting or is this just crazy to have your kid miss part of his first week of school? I could see maybe if he were older but this is his first week of elementary school EVER! I just really don't like this at all.
ETA: I know it is only kindergarten and it isn't like he will be missing a lot of school work or end up behind in learning anything but I'm more concerned about him and the social aspect of all the kids getting to know each other that first week and getting to know the school and the routine. I don't want him to come back the next week and the kids are already starting to get into a rhythm and he doesn't know what's going on or what's expected.
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Re: I don't like BF's vacation plans...not sure if I should say no
Personally I don't think there is anything wrong with you telling him absolutely your child is not missing school.
It's SCHOOL, priority ya know. As a father he should be aware of his child's school calendar and starting now missing school certainly doesn't set a good example of how important school is.
I would 100% without a doubt say no and I woudn't feel the least bit bad. It's SCHOOL!
So with your CO he can have him anytime he wants? He can take him out of school anytime he wants? Both of our CO's say 30 days during the summer but it can't be the last week before school starts. I assume so the child can get ready for school. We will end up having SS that week anyway because we get him 5 days EOW.
Our CO was created when DS was 2yo and it says absolutely nothing about school. It just says that we each get 3 weeks of vacation and can use them whenever as long as they aren't consecutive. If we both want the same week it defers to the person who's "year" it is (and it's his of course). So if he is wanting to use a vacation week I can't say no to it. All I can say no to is that he can't take him out of the state.
Lurker here - in my school system if you miss the first day they un-enroll you, so you would have to go through the whole enrollment process again. I would stand my ground
If my child is doing well in school there are times I might make an exception for a vacation and let them miss school BUT I think it's really important to get good habits established first. I think it's even more important to be there because it is kindergarten.
BF should understand this.
its SCHOOL! its his first week! DS should NOT be missing it!
can you type out an e-mail or something to BD stating that you are NOT comfortable with DS missing his first week of school? (that way you don't have to pull the "out of state travel" card?)
yes, its only kindergarten, but if you let BD take him that week you set a precedent that he doesn't have to regard the school calendar ever when it comes to his vacation
and I agree with PP that its really important at that age, to establish friendships and the routine at school etc.
I'm no judge / lawyer, but IMO summer is assumed to mean "summer break from school," not the official summer months of June-Aug or even June 21-Sept 21 (official calendar summer).
I would not skip the first week of school, particularly kindergarten. School is a priority over a random family vacation (it would be different if it were a family wedding, funeral, etc.). I agree that the socialization is important. Also, the teacher starts introducing the rules and routines of the classroom. Your DS is going to miss that, and feel dumb if he keeps doing things "the wrong way" because he wasn't introducted to the classroom norms.
BF needs to plan better. You're not saying he cannot have vacation with his son, just that it can't be during school time. Plus, what a jerk - pleasing his mommy and daddy seem to be more important than his son.
I'd take this time to ammending the CO. Think of other things that make sense now that DS is growing up (activities, etc.) while you're at it.
I think it is a terrible idea to start off your son's "school career" by letting him think it's ok to miss school just because. I think if you let him go and he sees that vacations or whatever fun there is to do is more important than school you will spend the next 13 years constantly fighting w/ him about why he has to go. I also think you and the BF would be showing him that school isn't important and that will haunt him for the rest of his school days..maybe even affect his future.
I know it sounds dramatic, but I think it's important to teach kids from the beginning about responsibility and that going to school is not a choice. It is what you do and you should do your very best while you're there.
You can say "He will not be going because he will not miss his first week of school. If you disagree with this I apologize, but feel free to contact your attorney and we can settle this through the legal system. If you choose not to contact your attorney then you will need to reschedule your vacation. You may want to go ahead and reschedule it either way because I don't know a judge in his right mind that would ever agree with you."
According to the school's website:
All trips and vacations are unexcused/illegal unless prior approval is obtained and the child is in the company of an adult for the entire time. With approval, a child may be given up to 5 days of excused absence for trips and vacations. All additional days are unexcused/illegal. If, at the time the request is received, the student has accumulated 3 or more illegal/unexcused absences, the request will be denied. Such travel requests will not be approved/excused for trips taking place during posted PSSA administration dates.
I think I will show him this and tell him that if he is taking DS out of school for 3 or 4 days that exhausts almost ALL of the excused days DS is allowed for the entire year and that I am not at all ok with doing that at the very start of school and certainly not for him being the one to use all of that time. We'll see how this goes...ugh...
I'd say no way jose.
And to be honest, I don't really think you even need to give a reason. It's common sense.
But if you feel like you need to...
- Parents only get so many 'get out of school free' cards, and using one up the first week isn't smart.
- It's not fair to the child. Friendships are made, routines are introduced, lessons are started, etc. Why start out behind?
- It sends a bad message to the kid. School is important!
- It sends a bad message to the teacher.
I pulled DS out of kindergarten for a week. It was right before spring break, and it was for a funeral/trip to the UK. It was literally a once in a lifetime type thing. The funeral was for a person with whom he was close, and we made sure that he got to see a bunch of really important things (British Museum, Westminster Abbey, Salisbury Cathedral, Stonehenge, etc). I kind of convinced myself that it was more important for him to experience all of that than sit for a week in a classroom.
There's no way I would have done it to just take him to the beach.
^^ All of this. I cannot imagine how BF thinks it's "ok" to miss school. Yes, I understand it's just Kindergarten and the first week is primarily "fun time". However, it's not just Kindergarten. For most kids Kinder is the first experience they have with structure and interacting with other children. Plus the long term message your DS is going to learn is, "Fun is more important than school".
When my husband were planning our wedding, we contacted the school districts to obtain the academic calendar because it wasn't released yet. We absolutely did not want the kids to miss school for our wedding so we planned accordingly. BF needs to do the same. As many Posters have told me in regards to my XH and BM's terrible planning, "You're lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on my part".
Contact your attorney and get the CO modified to specify that DS is only to miss school due to illness or family emergency, not for fun time. I can't imagine there is a Judge who would say it's "ok" for a child to miss school, regardless of their age.
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Ok, I have not left like I wanted too, lol.
No way in hell would my DS miss the first week of Kindergarten for a vacation and I am actually very pro vacation and have no issues with kids missing school but not the first week of Kindergarten! I was so upset DS missed K orientation bc we were in England. Actually DH has a business trip the second week of Kindergarten at the Disney Grand Floridian and we could join him for free and just have to pay for food and Disney tickets but he will be adjusting to school.
I guess I am odd man out, but I think he should go - but ground rules should be set after that.
It appears you are in PA, which means he only will be going to half day Kindergarten and it is not mandated. It also seems as though he is not missing his first week, but Thursday and Fridy of his first week. This boils down to missing less than 8 hours. I'm a huge "education comes first" person, but there really isnt any education going on the first week, he'll learn routine in the first couple days he is there, and children do not form social cliques until grade 3/4 - prior to that all kids play with all kids in the room.
Since the vacation was already scheduled and it is a large family event - I think he should go - but you and BD need to work out the rules for future vacations. And I think this gives you the perfect oppurtunity to re-assess your CO, especially around vacation time.
But where you live is Kindergarten legally required? In most states it is not. I still would go to court and make a judge tell you to let him go. And while those rules probably do no apply to Kindergarten i would send him a copy and it might get him to back off and next year think twice. I would go back to court for a new CO
Based on the wording from the school's website regarding unexcused absences, it almost sounds like Kindergarten in your State is in fact mandated. If it weren't mandated, the school wouldn't have such strict rules regarding unexcused absences. Unless it's a private school or has a long waitlist, in which then I can understand the strict guidelines.
As Littlejen said, let a Judge decide this one. My concern would be that if you allow DS to miss a week of school now for BF's vacation time, you're going to have a hard time explaining why you're not ok with it at a later time especially if the current CO doesn't address the issue.
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It is full day kindergarten. This is the first year that the school district is fully making the switch from half days. I have not asked or looked into whether or not kindergarten is mandated, I just assume that it is because I called the school this morning asking them what their policy is and explained that DS is starting kindergarten and the situation. The administrator at the school advised me of the 5 day policy and she thought it was a bad idea for him to miss.
That said, apparently the school is closed that Friday so DS would miss 2 out of 4 days. I responded to BF and told him that I really dislike the timing of this vacation and have asked him to push it off so that DS would only miss Thursday. We'll see how he responds. As it stands now he wants to bring DS to the beach Sat and Sun, come back for two days for school and then go back to the beach till Sat. If he just pushes it so DS is there for 3 days instead of 2 I think that is a fair compromise and they still get 5 days of vacation. (Although I'm really not happy that he plans on driving back Sunday night instead of making sure DS has a regular evening before his first day but I can't fight him on that I guess).
Oh, and...it's not a large family gathering/vacation. It is his sister and her family plus his mother. These are people he sees all the time. As in, every other weekend. Not to mention he is unemployed and has all summer with DS on his weeks so it isn't even like it is his vacation from work and he's eager to spend it uninterrupted with DS or something.
Thanks for the feedback everyone, glad to know I'm not the only one seeing it this way!
I agree with all of this. Kindergarten isn't "just kindergarten". It is a big deal and msising the first week is also a big deal.