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January 2012 Moms
namara5532
member
DH vent, told I'm a bad mom
namara5532
member
Maybe I'm overreacting. I want to really cry about it, but it freaked DS out, so I have to plaster on a smile for him and vent here instead.
I had an awful day yesterday that I hadn't quite recovered from, so I was already in a bad mood today. Earlier this afternoon, DH changed DS's diaper while I enjoyed 5 minutes on the computer without wrestling a baby. He came back in with DS in his arms where he had squirmed himself into a horizontal position, like in the nursing position. DS has done this since day 1, and I believe it's just him squirming to a different position to be cradled or to look around. Maybe I was a bit snarky about it, but I told DH that DS getting into that position doesn't necessarily mean he's hungry. Well DH stomps off with DS and tells him "Mommy doesn't want to feed you and take care of you." He then plops down in the recliner and picks up his game. DS starts to cry because he prefers the person holding him to be standing, plus I think DH's tone startled him. I'm in such shock that for 30 seconds I consider storming out of the room and telling DH to deal with it himself. But I didn't want to penalize DS for DH's stupidity, so I took him and fed him.
I'm left to sit there and brood on it while DH plays his stupid game (the couch is pretty much the only comfortable place to nurse, otherwise I would've left the room). Because I'm already in a sh!ty mood, I interpret his remark as him saying I'm a bad mother. So I tell him "calling me a bad mother isn't the way to get me to do something." He doesn't respond. He plays his game for another half hour before realizing I'm upset and comes over to talk to me during the 15 minutes before he leaves for work. I admited to him that he might have been right about DS's hunger cue, but his stupid ego makes him flat out refuse to apologize for what he said. He claims that what he meant was I didn't want to take care of him "right now" and refuses to take ownership for his statement making me brood for half an hour about how bad a mother I am. I half considered handing him the baby and telling him that if he thinks he can do a better job, have at it. But again, I didn't want to penalize DS. He's EBF, plus DH had to go to work right then. He walked out the door saying he needed distance from the situation.
I don't think he's going to actually apologize, and I don't know if it will actually help me feel better even if he did. I'm here by myself for the night. I broke down and started crying as soon as he walked out, but DS flipped out, so now I can't even get it out that way. I have no friends nearby, and I'm doing my best to not brood on my faults as a mother. I'm starting to wonder if the comment came from me asking him to help out more, even though I still feel like I have to practically throw DS at him to get 5 seconds to myself. I'm doubting everything, and I'm just hoping DS doesn't have a bad night because he's sorta the only thing keeping me together right now.
July '15 siggy challenge: Thanksgiving fails
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Re: DH vent, told I'm a bad mom
It really sounds like this is more about you needing to get out of the house than anything else. You sound very overwhelmed.
Google play groups or try meetup.com. You need to get out of the house and be around other adults, just for your sanity.
I was feeling very overwhelmed and when I mentioned to my doctor that we hardly get out of the house, she suggested I get out more. I have tried to do that and it really helps. I just joined a couple of play groups and I hope I get to meet more people through that. I also belong to the YMCA so I try to work out a couple of times a week which helps in two ways, the exercise helps my mood and releases stress but also they have child care so I get an hour or two to myself and not have to worry about the kids.
You are definitely not a bad mom. Everything you are going through is completely normal. If it starts to feel too overwhelming, please talk to your doctor, you may have a mild case of PPD.
(((HUGS)))
Hugs to you momma! I totally understand. Since having DS, I get much more frustrated/mad at DH with things he says and does that are baby related. The truth is that they just don't get it sometimes. My DH is also a gamer (computer games are his thing) and it pisses me off a lot of the time that it seems like he would rather play his games than interact with his son. I have confronted him about this and he has said he will try to do better (but as Yoda says, there is no try, only do!)
Words do hurt and insinuations are painful as well. I think they just don't understand how a seemingly minor comment can really cut to our cores as mothers. As moms, we sacrifice everything for our kids. Since men don't carry the babies and give birth to them, they can't fathom the emotional ramifications of motherhood.
It definitely sounds like you need a break. I'm sorry you don't have anyone there who can help. I would recommend checking out some of the groups PP have mentioned. You deserve time for you!
this. and I sure hope he apologizes because he was wrong to say that to you. and you are a good mom...we all need a break sometimes.
/hugs
You are not being irrational or over-reacting. What was said was not nice. You are a good mom and even the best of us need some me-time. I hope he's willing to apologize.
Sorry you are going through this.. My advice is to have a long heart to heart with your DH if you can. My hubs actually told his sister (who is pregnant) not to take any advice from me, because I am a bad mother. And he said this right in front of me.. on MOTHER'S DAY!!!!!!!!!! I have been letting it fester since then and ended up blowing up at him night before last! So try to talk it out. If my DH comes home tonight before I'm asleep (He is also a gamer and is playing at a friend's house right now) I am going to attempt talking to him. He needs to know that words hurt!!
P.S. Our fights are because he wants to let LO CIO and I do not! Any suggestions for a compromise on that one?
This exactly. You're not a bad mom...When LO was born I was in the house 24/7 and I started losing my mind along with arguing with DH all the time. My Aunt offered to watch LO while we went out together (but you can go out alone if you like) and I have to admit it makes a huge difference. So at least once a month I get alone or we go together just to get away.
The best advice I got was from my sister, whose children are 20, 17 and 12. She said that when all you want to do is rip your spouse's head off, it's high time for a date night. When you LEAST want to spend your free time in each other's company is EXACTLY when you need it most.
This has proved excellent advice time and time again for my husband and me over the last three years. Reconnecting as ourselves and as a couple without the burden of parenthood being right there actually helps us get on the same page about a lot of things including those within the parenting realm. It helps us find our friendship again and be kinder to each other.
Is it possible to find a babysitter (even a service!) so you can get out for a couple hours? Sometimes for us a lunch or brunch date on the weekend works a lot better since it's easier to find someone to cover, they don't have to deal with bed time or evening crankiness, and we are not so dead tired that we can't enjoy each other's company.
You're not a bad mom and DH isn't a terrible father - you're just out of sync. Things will improve. I also second the PP comments about being evaluated for possible PPD. GL! I hope DS gave you a good night!!
(oh and ps. if you can put DS in a swing or chair and get yourself a shower, a good 5 minute sob fest under hot water can do me wonders sometimes!)
I get this from my husband too. It's snarky but not usually meant to be serious. Right you are, mommy just needs a break sometimes and that's never too much to ask.
There's two to kiss, Two to hug, And best of all, Two to Love!