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Blended Families
TheBuddha
member
My birthson who came before I was ready. He doesn't call me mom but I love him just the same. ~7/10/99~
BM called today to discuss summer visitation.
TheBuddha
member
DH has custody of SS9. When the CO was written up last year (when DH won custody) BM was given 2 seperate 2 week visits over the summer. The four total weeks were to be non-consecutive (so just not all four weeks at the same time).
DH waited and waited to hear from BM about her summer plans. Finallly DH enrolled SS in the summer camp he wanted and sent an email over to BM to let her know that July 2-20 is camp. Also, he gets a "2 week visit" in the CO and he chose to take his full 2 weeks right before school starts. This way SS will be on a good routine and ready to start school. Intead of coming from BM's house (which is actually her parents house and there are not many rules there) and being exhausted and unprepared to begin 4th grade.
BM called today. Today is June 10th. Summer has begun. She has SS this weekend and asked DH if she could just keep him for 2 weeks. WHAT?! There was absolutely no planning and no communcation. DH sent her the email about 3 weeks ago. Why didn't she call then??
What would you do? Would you just let BM keep him even though we have plans during June? At this point there is not enough time over the summer for her to get both 2 week visits in. Is it just tough luck for her and she better plan and communicate better next year? Or should DH let her get away with just calling the day of and wanting to keep him for 2 weeks?
For the record I think she is crazy. Why wouldn't she have made plans and set them in stone months ago? How can we plan our summer when BM didn't even speak up about wanting her visits? I had just assumed that she didn't really want to see him, considering she never even brought the subject up with DH until today.
My birthson who came before I was ready. He doesn't call me mom but I love him just the same. ~7/10/99~This discussion has been closed.
Re: BM called today to discuss summer visitation.
hmm I take it there was nothing put into the CO about a deadline for deciding the dates?
personally I would say no.
make him come home for a few days and then she can have him for the 2 weeks. (she can get a full two weeks before the camp starts and after the camp, can't she? Idk when school starts...)
The old order stated 30 day notice, but I guess that doesn't apply anymore.
Regardless of a deadline...wouldn't you discuss it before summer started?
DH was considering giving her one week during June and then the two weeks after camp and before school.
of course I would, but I'm a planner at heart, and wouldn't want to lose out on any time with my child, not everyone is like that.
sounds like a good compromise
Not sure what state you live in, but where I live, her summer visitation sited in the CO trumps any summer plans(including the summer camp that you guys signed him up for) that you and your DH may have. Put yourself in her shoes, .. is it really fair to deny her her son and her visitation? She gets 4 weeks total for visitation, and unless there is something in the NEW CO stating that she has to give you prior notice, she could hold your DH in contempt if she doesn't get her visitation time.
I am a BM, that has custody of my child, and I cannot enroll my child in any summer actiives that would affect my EX's summer visitation.
You have to be fair, and its not fair to the child to keep him away from his mother, regardless if you think she's crazy or not. She wasn't given supervised visitation, so she cannot be that awful of a mother.
What is the point of this other than pulling rank and turn this into a pissing contest?
OP: he's with BM now, you guys have plans for most of the summer now anyway and even though she is a bad planner, she has the right to spend 4 weeks with her son, so let her have these two weeks. It's less hassle going between houses since he's already there and it's not the end of the world. Just be the bigger person and let the boy spend the two weeks with his mom.
since its a new CO- OP/DH would be setting a precedent by letting her just keep the kiddo now. IMO a lack of planning on one parents part does NOT constitute messing with the plans of the other parent. If OP lets BM get away with this now, it will just be more last-minute headaches in the future. so yes- pulling rank because OP/DH have summer plans for the child that required planning- but not completely withholding the child either.
We all know that crappy parents get unsupervised visitation all the time.
I say give her the time now and call your lawyer to get a deadline in place for next summer. Then make all attempts to get her to nail down visitation IN WRITING next summer, so you don't get found in contempt of court.
No precedent...according to the OP, there is no clause about specific heads-up in the new order, it was in the old one. At least, that's how I'm understanding her explanation. If that's true, OP and her H could be seen as difficult in the eyes of a judge. They already called dibs on July (camp) and August (right before school starts). So, June naturally seems like the only time left for BM anyway. And they don't want to give it to her? Sure, it'd be nice, if she gave them notice - but it seems like she doesn't have to according to the new CO and - it really is the ONLY time that's left for her. Plus, she's only asking for 2 weeks, not 4.
So, why be difficult just for the sake of being difficult? KWIM? Not a hill to die on, imo.
I'm sure your SS would love to spend the time with his mom.
Frustrating but not worth denying him that time to make a point.
As annoying as it is when the NCP (and at times the CP) doesn't plan accordingly and likes to spring plans on you at the last minute, if there isn't anything in the CO stating a timeframe of when plans need to made then you don't have much choice. Trust me, I sympathize with your position (both my XH as well as BM are terrible at planning anything) and have figured out that as long as the kids are happy we just gotta grin and bear it. Let her have him for the 2 week period, and have your husband try and get something worked into the CO regarding a date when notice must be given. However, if you and your husband already have something planned during this timeframe she just sprung on you and you already purchased tickets, amde hotel reservations, etc., then speak with your attorney and see what can be done by way of reimbursement.
If that 30 day notice clause is still in fact part of the CO, then have your husband remind her of the clause and demand to know when she wants her next 2 week visit. But still let her have this 2 weeks as a sign of good faith on your part.
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Thank you for all your responses. I appreciate hearing what other blended families think.
I am guessing I haven't been on enough lately and no one remembers my back story. BM's house (her parents house) is not a good place for my SS. She shares a bed with him, sits on the toilet in the bathroom while he showers and then rubs his entire body down with oil.
They often spend her weekends in the house playing video games. SS comes home exhausted (there is no bedtime at BM's house) and dehydrated and covered in baby oil.
Unfortunately, denying her parenting time is a positive thing for my SS. I know this is not normal for mothers, SM and BM alike. Normal parents want their child to succeed and do well. When SS came to live with us he was failing every subject in 2nd grade. His mom's house is just not a good place. She is 36, living with her parents and hasn't had a job in 9 years.
DH is granting her 1 week in June and 2 weeks at the beginning of August.
Also, BM will not take DH back to court for contempt. When the custody was made permanent the judge reserved child support for one year. BM has not paid a penny in the 18 months SS has lived here. DH has informed her that if she takes him back to court he will push for child support and back pay for medical bills (He has an orthodontic expander in his mouth that cost us $2,250, not to mention any other medical expenses). If she is ordered to pay CS she will be ordered to get a job. She is not interested in supporting herself, so I don't see a contempt charge in DH's future.
Unfortunately this is not true. SS has no problem going over to BM's house for her weekends, but he is really crabby about having to go for 2 weeks at a time. He says he doesn't want to go because he will miss his little brother, but I think there is more to it than that.
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
What?! DH called and emailed BM asking about summer visitation and she never responded. She wouldn't discuss it at pickups/dropoffs. DH and I finally decided to make our plans for the summer. The camp he is in only offers the camp he wants for his age group in July. It was our only choice and we barely made it in (went on the wait list and got in later that week).
After making our plans DH emailed BM. This was about 4 weeks ago. Still no reply.
How do we possibly prepare better next year? I really thought DH did a good job covering all his bases.
I think she means to get something put into the CO about a deadline to submit Summer visit plans. I don't think karatechrissy was implying that you and/or your husband didn't plan well.
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