- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Blended Families
Littlejen22
member
so much for leaving - social awkwardness
Littlejen22
member
This is non-BF but this board is the only one that I go to that is busy and people I know IRL are useless for suggestions. This is mostly a vent but looking for any suggestions too.
DS is and always was socially awkward. I want to say he is shy but it is almost to an extreme and I am feeling defeated lately. And honestly I see DD being like this too but it is more "normal" in a 3yo.
First I will say that DS' pre-school teacher who he has had for 3 years (Montessori) has always said she has no concerns about him and this year says he is social and talkative with the teachers and other kids although he prefers a few specific kids and smaller groups.
Whenever we have new situations it is hard, the only exception has been an art class he took with a friend that he really likes from school, there are only usually 4 kids in the art class and one is a close friend so he is great there.
He has swim right now and last week the first class, he would not go in at all. Well actually he went in and as soon as the instructor said to put their heads underwater he walked out and spent the next 35 minutes at my side quietly freaking out until I bribed/threatened not to let him play on the playground and then he went in and barely tried at all but he was in. The second class with bribery he spent the entire time in the pool but would not do anything he was not totally comfortable with but told the instructor when he did not want to do something, said he was too scared. Today's class was like the second class but he tried a little harder. The most frustrating part is he is a good swimmer but not comfortable putting his head under water.
This afternoon we stopped at the park and the kids were playing on the swings. A kid about 1/2 year older than DS walked up to him and said hi, DS completely ignored him. I told the kid he was shy and the kid kind-of walked away (I did not like how I handled it but it was awkward as hell). I talked to DS, blah, blah, blah. Then the kid came back and said hi again and DS quitely said hi. Then the kid asked DS if he wanted to be his friend and DS said no. I did not know what to do and know I handled it bad but apologized to the kid and told DS he was being rude. I tried to explain to DS if he did not want to play it is ok to say that he is playing on the swings and did not want to do anything else but that he was being rude.
I have no idea how to help him with this. He has always been this way, and I have been unsuccessful in making it better. And I worry how Kindergarten will go when he does not know anyone, well he knows one kid and has met one other but he does not talk to either at all and has zero in common with the one we know. I don't want him to be the "weird" kid, hell I don't want him labeled the "weird kid"...FWIW I hear Auntie yelling something in my ear but not sure what it is, lol.
Thoughts? Suggestions?
Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies
Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
This discussion has been closed.
Re: so much for leaving - social awkwardness
My son was very much the same way when he was little. He was perfectly content playing by himself and wanted nothing to do with other kids at the park. In preschool he only played with a couple of the kids and if they were absent, he would have a mini-meltdown. If we had an issue like what you described at the park, I would actually go play with the other kid and my son, as soon my son would be ok playing without me. It was almost as if he needed reassurance that he would be "safe" if he played with someone else. He grew out of it when he was about 6. It was a slow process, and I found myself frustrated a lot. Now at almost 13, he's one of the most social kids I know.
Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Weight Loss Tools
It helps to hear others went through it too. The worst part is that DS did not want to play with the kid. And since we were at a playground I don't know how I could have played with him, it is not like he had a ball and I could have thrown it to the kid. But I like the suggestion.
I feel like he has no idea how to respond to people, I feel like I have failed him and fear he will never pick it up...even if that is irrational.
Yeah, and I am the opposite, I will talk to anyone. I am not saying I make friends easily but I have no issue talking to the person sitting next to be b/c I basically cannot shut up and have been this way since I turned 4. I don't know it was the right thing to do but I cut the visit to the park short, I am trying to tell him that I will never be upset if he does not want to play with someone but that he cannot be rude and what he did was rude. The sucky thing is that he did not realize that he was being rude b/c at least he said no. But DS is an introvert and WILL NOT talk about his feelings or about things that happened that were not 100% good, he will say he loves us and has no problem showing any emotions but he will not talk about if he is upset or mad, he will just get mad and shut down. The only time he will talk about it is telling DD if she made him mad.
I understand what you're going through. I felt like I was failing my son too when he was going through that stage. I wanted him to be happy and make friends. And when he wouldn't interact with other kids I felt so sad for him. I worried about kids picking on him and bullying him later on.
Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Weight Loss Tools
My son was always really shy as well. We didn't do a lot of play dates, since i was so young when I had him, none of my friends had kids yet. But he did always go to daycare/pre-school and did fine. He was and still isn't very outgoing.
I would just keep an eye on it and if it gets worse, talk to your pediatrician about it and hopefully they can give you some good advice.
My boy was like this, too. And I think 4 & 5 were the worst ages. He would ignore kids at the park, we put him on a soccer team and he refused to go out on the field, he never wanted to have play dates, and would never let us invite friends over for birthday parties. But we heard the same stuff from his teachers--he's fine, has friends, etc.
He's 7 1/2 now, and I would say he's a bit socially immature. I go on pretty much all the field trips and so I see the other kids interacting. There are some boys more immature than mine, but a lot who I'd say are little more advanced. But he's now a blue belt in TKD, and on a swim team. He's always chattering with the other kids and seems okay.
So I would try not to worry. I'm sure you're doing fine!
I meant to post and ask you how your UK trip went...
at first when I read your post I was going to question some sort of behavioral issue- asphergers (sp?) syndrome or something along those lines.
I have not gone through this myself, although my DS is shy, and I'm actually nervous about selective mutism for him, so I have been doing a little research.
I think you should keep encouraging playdates and exposure to other children, the fact that he has SOME friends that he interacts with is great. bribery seems like a good direction to head in- but getting mad at him for being shy is a no-no. positive reinforcement will always win.
Ok, I'm back
I was the same way as a kid, painfully shy. I still am to an extent, I'm not big on large group situations, and I'm not comfortable around most people that I don't know REALLY well. What I can say for ME as a kid, drawing any sort of attention to it only made it worse. Think about kids that are so desperate for attention they'll do anything, even if it means acting out and getting negative attention...I was the opposite. Because I was shy I had set a precendent for myself of not talking to people and not participating by a very young age. But I knew that if I went ahead and did these things, even when I wanted to, I would get praised for it. I wanted to AVOID any attention, and I knew doing something would get me more attention than not doing it. Does that make sense at all? For example, at the start of kindergarten I was shy and didn't want to talk to my teacher...not terribly uncommon. But my parents and teachers eventually made such a big deal out it, trying to coax and bribe me to do it, that it only made the anxienty that much worse. I knew if I did everyone would make a big deal out it. I ended up going to the entire year without ever speaking a word to my teacher. I made friends ok when I didn't feel like I was being watched, and actually got in trouble a few times for talking in class lol
Now I'm not suggesting this is the case with him, every kid is different. But this was my experience with a similar situation.
I'm not sure why you think your DS was so rude. The kid wanted to be his friend and your DS wasn't interested in friendship. Was it the way he said it? Would it have been better if he said "no, thank you." Because I think it's important for your DS to know that he doesn't have to be friends with everybody who wants friendship. He's allowed to want to play by himself, or just with you. IMO.
My son is shy. He was MUCH more so when he was younger - so much that he would not go to birthday parties, never wanted his own party. Literally, when he met new people, he was shaking. As he has gotten older (6-7) he has become much better and has even asked for playdates. First he hung out mostly with girls (who are nicer, less rowdy), and now he is playing with boys and girls. Other mothers have told me the same thing happend with their sons.
I did two things with my son that may have contributed to his improvement (not sure if he just matured or not). One is that he had a peer group where he played with boys and girls who were older, in a structered environment. There were younger kids of all ages, and they played games, etc. - but one older mentor was paired with a younger child (like my son) and took the direction from the younger child. So my son started just doing puzzles but did end up playing group games. The second was my son took social skills classes. There were all kinds of kids in there (similar ages, different problems). Some kids were shy like DS, others were bouncing off the walls with ADD or something similar. DS's social skills class was through the school, but I see many different classes advertised with social workers (usually) leading the groups.
It seems to me that YOU are unhappy with his (lack of) social interaction, but he is fine with it. If that is the case, you need to allow him to be his own person. If his shyness is becoming a problem in school (he won't raise his hand, won't work in groups), then I start him with behavior classes and you might also talk to his pedi and see if s/he thinks your son should be tested by a neurologist.
I was an exceptionally shy child. Even now, I am so uncomfortable in an unknown environment. I have learned to put on an amazing front and you would think that I am the most outgoing person ever. I hosted a party for 100 people that I didn't know because the hostess was having a meltdown. It was a great party. I won't go to my high school reunion because my insecurity is too much.
I was labeled stuck up for my shyness. I learned to ask others questions about themselves rather than open up about myself. Maybe a social class or helping teach your son how to ask conversational questions to help ease his anxiety? "The ones talks the most has the most fun" -- its a quote that I frequently rely on during social anxiety.
full time stepmom to SS1 and SS2 since 2010
married since 2011
TTC since 7/2011 (no planned bc since 2008)
HSG 11/2011: one blocked tube
S/A 2/2012 and retest S/A 3/2012: normal
Bloodwork: normal
2nd HSG 5/2012: clear
Femara cycle 5mg #1 7/14/12 + IUI #1 7/23/12 = bfn
New RE appt 8/14/12
IVF #1 meds 8/30/12. ER 9/14/2012: 7 retrieved, 6 fertilized. ET 9/19/12: 1 perfect embryo 5dt.
Beta #1 BFP! 97
Beta #2 234
Beta #3 4937
ultrasound #1 heart beat 127
10/20/12 graduated!!!
EDD 6/7/12
Team PINK!!
I agree with the bolded. Maybe you could tell your DS to say "Not right now, thanks" or "I'm playing by myself today" if someone asks him to play and he doesn't want to.
From my experience as a teacher I'll say this: most of the kids that I see in kindergarten who don't have any friends are the kids who can't control their hands/feet/emotions. Kids don't want to be around someone who's going to hurt them. There is one little boy at my school who wails & throws things when he doesn't get his way. No one wants to be his friend. He's improved since September, but it's still not great. Even the quieter kids have friends -even if it's just one or two.
So long as he's not aggressive, I wouldn't stress about it too much. Yes, I'd mention it to your doctor the next time you go, just for some support/suggestions.
Fells, the good thing is that he likes play dates but he wants them one on one...or one set of siblings and him and DD. If he does not know the child it will take him a while to warm up but he will warm up, but we have not had a ton of play dates with kids that are not my close friends or his friends from school so it is rare that he does not know them.
Holly, I know that getting mad is a no-no. It is hard not to get frustrated but I think I generally do a pretty good job not showing it although I hate that I have labeled him as shy. I only got annoyed today b/c this kid was all happy to see another kid his age at the park and being very nice and polite and DS just ignored him. I did not expect DS to play with him but I do want him to acknowledge people when they talk to him and to do so with age appropriate responses - I just do not know how to help him get there.
hterry, thanks for the story. I will work on trying not to make a big deal about it, that might be making things worse which could sort-of explain his inability to talk about it, I am drawing attention to it. The good thing is that even though he does not like talking to adults that he does not know well he has no issue talking to his teachers. And after talking to him about speaking up in swim class he has talked, the only down side is that he only uses words that I basically fed to him like he is "scared to do X" and telling the teacher today that he did not need to hold him. But I was very happy he talked to the teacher. Actually I can say that he seems happy when I make a stink about his accomplisments, he just does not like talking about anything he can do better.
SueBear, no I did not expect him to say no thank you. Part of it was because the first time the kid came up to him he did not even look at him or acknowledge him at all. After I told him it was not ok to ignore people the kid came back and said hi again and DS said hi back and then the boy asked him to be friends and DS just said no. I guess the no part bothered me because the kid looked so upset, I really did not expect DS to play with him but something more than a simple no, "No, I am playing on the swings", etc. I realize when I write this it sounds crazy but I just want him to be able/willing to say more than no to someone that asks you to be friends. But I totally agree with you that it is ok to not want to be friends with someone or to play with someone, I tried really hard to tell him it is fine not to want to play with someone but that I expect him to acknowledge the person talking to him and to be polite in return. My DS definitely prefers girl friends too, or calm boys. He starts planning his birthday party for the next year the day after his birthday and loves birthday parties but hates that he cannot spend more one-on-one time with the birthday kid. The only thing that I would like to change about his social interactions is for him to be able to minimally politely respond to people that he does not know well. I live in Central NJ too, any chance you can PM me more information on what you signed him up for or what other ones you know about? I do not know that I am there yet but I am interested to know more and have options if I feel the need. I do plan on asking his teacher at his conference about her thoughts again, in the past she looked at me like I was crazy so I have no doubt that he is very different in school.
Lily, thanks for the tips, I will definitely use them.
Tasheystar, thanks for the sayings, I will teach those to him. And I do not have to worry about him keeping his hands to himself (except with his sister, lol), he is extremely gentle and I have had a teacher in his school who's name I do not know stop me and say that the teachers were talking about the nice kids in the school and he was one of them, I was very proud.
Littlejen: you know it's good when other teachers come up and tell you how nice your kid is. Seriously. We all know the names of the "bad" kids, and we all know the names of the "good" kids. Even if we've never taught them before.
I'm kind of an exception because I teach French to most of the classes in the school, so I see 120 kids a day rather than just 20.
My son is the complete opposite as far as the shyness. He craves social situations and attention, loves large groups of kids, will play with almost anyone. My son would be the one to go up to yours and ask him to play and if yours said no my son would definitely be upset. He is 5 and he takes these things very personally. But that is life and I feel like he needs to learn that not everyone will respond how he wants and that it doesn't mean anything against him. Even though your son may say no, if he ever did decide to come around, a kid like mine would still jump at the chance to play with him. He wouldn't be thinking anything bad about your son and it would quickly be forgotten. On the other hand as a PP said, mean kids....kids that intentionally go out of their way to be rude and hurtful either physically or by calling names or that kind of thing, my son will never want anything to do with a kid like that.
As for the pool thing. DS loves the pool but the thought of going under the water will make him run. I finally got him to agree to jump in over the side and let me catch him after he went under but that was only after I agreed that his towel would be right there at the edge ready to wipe his face off. His problem is with water in his face so I've found a small solution that I'll live with until I can wean him off of the towel. Do you know what it is specifically that your son doesn't like about the water? I think it is more a water issue and not a socialization thing there.
He actually loves the water and cannot wait for our liner to be fixed so he can swim, and he loved swimming on vacation. He says he is scared to go under water even though he did last year. And I know he is not comfortable with new people, not sure how much he just feels unsafe with stranger instructors in the water even though I am on the side watching. I might try the towel.