Ds chose to live with his dad for the summer...just a jealous vent

karleegirl · June 2012

I've got full legal and physical custody of ds1 (he's 17). His dad has eo weekend and a week at christmas and 1 week in the summer. I get along with his dad and stepmom. They love ds and they're good people at heart. But It took bd many years to develop into a father (of sorts) not just a babysitter.

But when ds told me he was going to live with his dad for the summer I felt like he socked me in the gut. The immature part of me wanted to scream..I'm the one that changed her life to raise you,I'm the one that gave up her teenage years... I'm the one that has taken care of you when you were sick..I'm the one that's made sure you work hard to be an honor student. Your dad is Mr. fun disneyland parent. Your dad partied for years and barely paid attention to you. But of course I don't say any of it.

I also feel bad because our house isn't very fun right now. I've got a 3 month old baby that doesn't sleep and cries... a lot. I'm also battling some minor ppd. Bd has 4 wheelers, a boat, and a nice new truck ds can drive. Plus there are no chores there as oppossed to some small ones here.

I acknoweldge that I've had the kid most all of his life to myself. It will be good for him to spend some time with his dad. It just doesn't take away the hurt and petty jealousy. Ok that's enough of my whine.

Ilumine · June 2012

Honey, I would have run away from my daughter at 3-6 months if I could (I seriously looked into hiring a nighttime nanny). So I can sympathize with the 17 yo.

Look, being a selfish teen isnt about dismissing one parent because they don't love her as much as they used too or that they love the other parent more, it is about what makes THEMSELVES the most comfortable.

However, by 17 they should start using the empathy they have learned over the the past years. There is nothing wrong with having a sit down with your son to discuss this.

Not a guilt trip by any stretch of the imagination, but you an ask why he wants to eave you and you can express how you feel.

Holly_1007 · June 2012

is BD long distance? or can you see DS EOWE or something? No matter how old my child is I would have a hard time going ALL summer without seeing him. perhaps you could have the 1 week vacation that BD is supposed to have?

and honestly- what does BD think of this idea???

FutureMrsWittig · June 2012

I can totally see how that hurt you. Bug hugs.

Make plans for him to visit, see you and his sister. Talk to BD about making sure he uses the 4 wheelers and drives the truck SAFELY. And then try to make some plans to enjoy some one on one time with your little girl.

I know none of that makes anything easier. Wish I had more to say that would help!

Rhenna · June 2012

I know it's hard but I think the thing to keep in mind is that you are the mother and while you may have done A LOT for your son you can't be all encompassing. Kids still thrive from having a mother and a father. It is easy to blame it on dad being fun and having toys, and that may be part of it, but it also probably has a lot to do with the fact that he has been around his mom the majority of his life and is craving some extended time to bond with his dad. Summers go by fast, and he is 17, you are going to have to start getting used to him being gone a lot more. I'm sure it's hard but look at this summer as a transition before he goes off to college or before he decides to move out and live with friends in a couple years.

karleegirl · June 2012

-auntie-:

I'm sorry. That's got to hurt.

I can see this looking like a Disney-DadI think a big piece of this is the need boys this age have for a male parent/mentor to help them make the bridge to manhood. My son, who all but worships me seeks DH out more for that male bonding thing. I find DH, too, is a better dad to a young adult than he was to a little boy- he sort of grew into the role. A number of the boys from DS's scout troop are more connected to their dads as they hit high school than they were through to middle. Two of our scoutmasters and a few others dads I know have primary physical custody of their sons. The interesting thing is that these kids all have very nice and nurturing mothers who they still seek out regularly.

His dad has grown into a better father (in a lot of ways). We were 16 when ds was born. I had to grow up right then but bd didn't. But bd has matured and the fact is he's always tried to be a decent dad. Ds's sm has also made things more stable there as well. I know a lot of men (of all ages) have trouble relating to young kids like you've said.

I know he needs the time with his dad. My dh actually encouraged me to let him go. He grew up with a dad that came in and out of his life and still has a void from that. What my son needs is ofcourse more important than my own jealousy and inadequacies(sp).

His dad lives about an hour away. We have 2 lunch dates planned for us to hang out. My 5 year old misses ds1 terribly. I guess this will prepare me a bit for next year when he goes away to school.

I don't want this to sound terrible but I have a different bond with ds1. (I love all of my children of course). He and I had some tough years together. We barely scraped by while I was in nursing school. But we were a team of sorts. It was just us for 10 years. So it's especially hard.

MarSamWhitney · June 2012

I can totally understand where you are coming from, and this has got to be hard. I think its a natural feeling. Just wanted to offer some hugs.

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Ds chose to live with his dad for the summer...just a jealous vent

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