Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Advice needed - very long

History - I've recently had a baby - my 5th. My best friend for over 25 years was expecting her first.  She just had an ultrasound late Wednesday (20 week).  Was thrilled to learn it's a boy. (w/ an incompetent cervix - I would have thought they would see signs 30 hours earlier in the u/s). 

Last night she went into labor - fully dilated when she got to the hospital and she went as soon as she started having discomfort.  

I want to go see her. I want to be supportive. 

Would it hurt more to have a new mother of many come see you rather than feel supported? 

 I don't want to add to her pain flaunting as it could easily be felt - my fertility. I don't want to make her feel abandoned when she needed love and support.  I just don't know whant to do. 

Re: Advice needed - very long

  • I would maybe call her and offer your support and send some flowers.  I personally had a hard time seeing fertile people after my m/c and subsequent IF.  It really depends on the person though.  My prayers go out to your friend.
  • Call her.  I think everyone is different.  Personally, it doesn't bother me at all. I am going to see a dear friend & her newborn tomorrow & couldn't be more happy for her -- and she gave birth at the same moment I was havign my D&E.  I spent several hours this week recovering with a friend visiting who is due in a month.

    I honestly preferred the company & support -- IMO, she's your friend & would prefer to have her close friends around.

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  • I have to agree with pp.  Support is the key.  I found out at my 18 week us that my baby's heartbeat had stopped.  Since I was that far along I had to be induced.  I got to the hospital at 8pm and by 9pm my room was full of friends and family.  They stayed until almost midnight....by which time I was exhausted and fell asleep easily.  Them just being there and interacting with me and each other really keep my mind off what was going on (strange huh? considering I was the only one in a hospital gown and strapped to all kinds of tubes and wires.) The continued to come through the next day and night, all the while while I was having contractions and getting closer to the deliver.  I look back and I am incredibly grateful that they were there and keep me so busy.  I could have easily just laid there and cried the entire time...instead I was shown, in no uncertain terms,something that you normally don't comprehend....how much I was loved by everyone in my life.

    I wish your friend all the best and will say a prayer for you and the baby.

    Shelly 

  • Thank you. It's breaking my heart and l feel so helpless. 

  • I'm sorry for your friend's loss, how very tragic.

    I would give her a call or just only you stop by and let her know you are there for her.  Being there for your friend isn't flaunting your success, it is being a good friend.  And what a great friend you are to seek advice on how best to do this.

    Best of luck and take care.

  • Go see her...but leave the kids and any kid type stuff at home.  She will love to have you there I bet.  I would love for just ONE of my friends to have made the effort to drive to my house.  My best friend is 8 mo. pregnant and I know the loss I am experiencing is not her fault and I am still so happy for her and her family.  Her comforting words over the phone even when talking about her own appointments right after I learned there was no longer a hb, were warm and welcome and I am glad for them...your friend will be to. 
    accordingtoabby.com" "From of suffering emerges the strongest souls. The most massive characters are seared with scars." Kahlil Gibran
  • I can only speak from my own experience and truthfully, I'm not sure I would've wanted my fertile friends coming to visit me... but I am a private person.  However, saying or doing nothing, to me, would be much much worse.  Whatever you do, please acknowledge her loss, and do so more than once.  Phone calls, emails, cards, etc. She may not talk about it at first, but she will think about it every single day and she will need others there for when she does need to talk.

    It sounds like you're a great friend and she'll need you now more than ever.

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  • I would call her, seeing a baby that soon could really hurt her.  It depends on the person some people can handle it and some can't.

     

    Maybe I am dense, but did she deliver the baby?  Or is she still in the hospital?  Her story sounds similar to mine, please tell her this site is here and that people that have gone through similar things are here for her.

     

    Good luck,

    Cindy

    Baby Boy born still on March 10, 2008 at 21 wks 2 days : ( Finley Alyse born October 11, 2009 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Declan Jonathan born October 16, 2011 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I imagine it is very different depending on the person.  I definitely wouldn't if you were very pregnant or bringing a baby/child/children with you, which it sounds like neither is the case.

     You can always just call, and ask if she would like a visitor.  I'm sure she can easily say yes or no that way.

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