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kimmygirl77
member
Help with SS (sorry long)
kimmygirl77
member
Hi all! Just have a situation that my DH and I are at a loss with. SS is 17 and last night was his band banquet. BM did not go, just DH and I. SS will be a senior next year and he tried out for Drum Major. Well unfortunately he did not get it. He didnt get a role in band leadership at all. (He has been in leadership the past 2 years) We were supposed to drive him home but after the announcement was made he came with tears in his eyes and told us his mom was picking him up now and he was leaving. Well DH and i left too. No reason for us to be there without SS. We met SS outside and he was very upset. Clutching his stomach, on the the verge of tears, etc. I thought he was definately acting like a 2 year old. He kept saying that he was kicked out of leadership, how could the music director do that etc, etc. My DH tried to talk to him and tried to calm him down and also tried to show him how innappropriate he was behaving. He was not being a good sport. He was throwing a fit because he did not get a position that he wanted. I did not see any other kid that didnt get picked storm out. Only ours. BM showed up and he didnt say goodbye, just got in the car and they drove off. We dont know what to do. Not sure what to say now. We both think he acted like a 2 year old who threw a tantrum. We dont think he should have stormed out, he should have sat there and at least faked happiness for his peers that did get picked. We both think BM has encouraged his behavior by rushing to pick him up. (we know we can do nothing about that) Another thing too is that he did this last year too. But BM was at the banquet last year so he couldnt storm out. He just came over on the verge on crying and trash talking the kids that did get picked. (probably the reason he didnt get picked this year!) DH and i tried to show him last year that his behavior then was ridiculous and selfish. Obviously it didnt get through to him because the same thing happened again. Sorry this is long. Just dont know how to handle it this time. Thank you
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Re: Help with SS (sorry long)
You tell him to grow up or else you won't let him participate in any extra curriculars. If he can't play nicely, he can't play at all.
^^ I have a hard time believing a Judge would order BM be reimbursed for 1/2 the cost of an extracurricular activity. The general rule (at least in CA) is that extracurricular activities are not to interfere with the other parent's custodial time, and are extra. Meaning, if you sign the kid up for it, you are the one who pays for it. Plus, your SS is 17 and old enough to get a job and help pay for the activity if he genuinely wants to do it.
Personal experience: BM tried to get the Judge to make my husband reimburse her for 1/2 of all the extracurricular activities she enrolled K in (that she failed to discuss previously with him) and the Judge laughed at her. Since my husband had never "promised" to pay 1/2 of the fees and had never agreed to the activities, the Judge told her not to sign K up for things that she cannot afford on her own.
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I know that if we were to go in front of a judge she would be laughed at. The part that concerns me is that we have to pay our attorney to go to court. The end result will be fine. Not sure if we can get her to pay our attorney fees if she tries this. Trust me, our BM has started to take us to court over the most silliest things. One time she filed to take us because we could not afford to put braces on both boys at the same time. We could do one at a time. She still tried to take us to court. I don't want to shell out the money to the attorney for something that is so stupid. I would rather spend it on fun stuff.
I completely agree with not wanting to spend money on attorney fees all the time, especially when you're not able to get the other party ordered to pay your fees.
I concur with PPs about telling SS that he's not doing band anymore. If he has such a crappy attitude about other people succeeding, then he needs to be involved in something that isn't a group/team activity. By 17 he should have already learned that there are going to be people better/faster/stronger/smarter than him and that as long as he does his best and has a good attitude, he'll be fine. I'm wondering how much coddling he's receiving from different people to cause this kind of behavior.
If BM wants him in band and wants to pay for it, then you can't really stop her. But you and your husband can express to SS your disappointment in his behavior and lack of sportsmanship.
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I'm a little surprised at your reaction. Your SS is going to be a senior, he was in the band leadership for two years....I'm sure it's extremely disappointing to him that he wasn't picked.
I think what's left is to make this a learning experience:
One, I would talk to him about how he behaved. He is a young man now, and he can't behave like this. Including (two) - part of being a team is being disappointed when someone else gets the glory, but being gracious about it.He can definately
Three, most importantly, why was he not chosen this year? Can he think of any reasons? Did he miss practices / performances? Not practices? Not show leadership on/off the field (or stage)? Does the director think he lacks the maturity to lead (as evidenced by his behavior at band night)? Does the director pick favorites? Think someone else deserves a shot? Was it based strictly on musical talent, and he was found lacking? He needs to go to the director and find out why he was not chosen.
I disagree that it's time to tell him you won't allow him to participate if he is going to act like this. If you have plans for him to go to college, dropping out of one of his main activities is a huge mistake. Also, if band means that much to him, to take it away b/c he behaved badly one night does not make sense. Sh*t - - dh has plenty of stories of athletes who were injured senior year, didn't play sports any more, and ended up spending their time with the drug addicts and other low-lifes. I'm, sure the band includes some of his closest friends (or at least his closest school friends). It would be douchey to take that away "to show him a lesson."
Personally, I think that "surprising" the band members with the new leadership at a big dinner where everyone's parents are in attendence is not a good choice, especially given that there are bound to be disappointed band members. It should be disclosed beforehand, and perhaps a ceremony honoring the previous years' leaders and an introduction of the new leaders.
This is another angle that I failed to look at, thank you. I know from my perspective that my SS did not really practice for this position. We have almost 50/50 custody so we see him every week. He would bring his stuff to practice but it would sit in his room. We would ask him if he was going to practice and get a wishy washy answer. We didn't push him. We figured if this was something that was important to him, then he would do what he needed to do.
When I asked him why he was trying out for Drum Major, (I asked this because he never expressed an interest in our home) he told me "because mom wanted him to." Which is fine, I just don't get why he would act out when he didn't get it if it wasn't that important.
Also, not sure if the music director was playing favorites or not. I do know that BM was on the board of directors this year. She was in charge of fundraising. She quit half way through. SS says it was because she had to work, but I also heard from him that BM got in "a fight" with another parent over a candy fundraiser. I don't know the specifics because we never dug deeper to find out what really happened. So there may have been some bad blood there. Also, with his behavior at last year's banquet, the director could probably see that he is not the best leader.
I like the idea of him asking why he didn't get the position. I will mention it to him and see if he will ask.
Looking at the followup, it looks as if SS can learn a lesson on why he didn't get picked - he probably did not practice and show the committment that others did.
It might be that he isn't interested in band that much, in which case it is OK to tell him that he doesn't need to continue, but I would not TELL him he can't be in the band. It needs to be his decision - not yours, and not BMs.
I told my dd this year that she didn't need to continue with orchestra (she never practiced, it was obvious she wasn't into it). I could not believe how many parents told their children that they WERE doing it next year. Seriously - there were kids who were jealous of DD because she wasn't being forced to play next year.
At the same time, I did athletics and it was obvious that I wasn't the most talented on the team. My friends were all on the team, so I showed up and demonstrated committment (going to all practices, trying my best despite lack of talent, etc.). I would not trade that experience for the world.