Kids and the trouble with FB

CFjo2010 · June 2012

My son will be 13 in July. I allowed him to create an FB account and there were specific rules put in place regarding the account (he had to add me, his father, his SM, and all 3 grandmas; I check his FB regularly and see what is being said by his friends and to his friends; if he posts anything inappropriate or allows his friends to post anything inappropriate the FB account is gone, etc.). So far, other than XH's mother sending an irresponsible and inappropriate message to him, we haven't had any problems. Until last night.

The kids leave next week to visit XH for 2 weeks. My son loathes his father and absolutely hates going to visit. I've had these issues with him for several years, and it never seems to get easier on him. He's gone as far as to make a "countdown" of sorts regarding how many visits are left until he turns 18. It's a sad situation that counseling hasn't helped with. So last night he posts as his status on FB: The countdown begins to the crappiest 2 weeks of the year. Lovely.

I'm upset regarding his use of "crappiest", but I'm more upset that he posted that knowing that his father and SM will see it. I didn't see it until this morning, and I made him remove it. His FB is deactivated until he returns from his father's, and he may not even get it back then, we'll see. I know he's doing it to get a rise out of his father (or maybe he's just that clueless that he doesn't think his father will see it?) and as much as my XH deserves to hurt for the hell he's put the kids through, I hardly approve of my son's actions.

Ugh, pubescent boys are no fun to deal with :-

Christine&Mario · June 2012

Sorry you are going through this.

When you talk to your son about his father, how does the conversation usually go? What does he say? What do you say?

CFjo2010 · June 2012

When I have tried discussing the issues he has with his father, my son completely shuts down. The discussion usually starts with me saying something along the lines of his father being really excited to see him and the response is, "Well I don't want to see him", and then he's done talking. When we separated and got divorced 7 years ago, my XH did some really hurtful and vindictive things and my son unfortunately remembers them. Everytime my son started to come around and "heal" from XH's antics, something else would happen. The final straw(s) for my son was XH having a baby and then getting married without telling the kids or inviting them to the wedding.

The issue with the baby: the kids hadn't seen their father in nearly a year. Then during his Christmas visit, on the 2nd day the kids were with him XH introduced them to his new GF and announced they were having a baby. XH made this announcement in front of GF's family, who the children had also just met that day. He has some serious abandonment issues with his father, and the new baby didn't help.

Holly_1007 · June 2012

ugh :-/ I agree with you de-activating the facebook for the use of language, however its his fathers own fault that he feels the way he does. its not like you told your DS to write that. I think a conversation should be had after he returns about posting things that hurt peoples feelings and about the language- but then give him his privileges back, the last thing you want is him creating a new facebook behind your back..

Nineoceans · June 2012

I actually think his dad and SM should see that. It shouldn't be torture for kids to spend time with the other parent. Maybe he is at the age where he decides the level of relationship he wants with his dad and they both meet in the middle to create a positive relationship

CFjo2010 · June 2012

Nineoceans:
I actually think his dad and SM should see that. It shouldn't be torture for kids to spend time with the other parent. Maybe he is at the age where he decides the level of relationship he wants with his dad and they both meet in the middle to create a positive relationship

I'm glad you said this. I've been going back and forth with it in my mind for several years about their relationship and if it's toxic for my son. While I want to encourage my son to have some sort of relationship with his father, I also feel like forcing him to spend time with his father is making the whole visit a negative experience. Unfortunately, because of the long distance my XH only sees the kids once or twice a year for 2 weeks at a time. He refuses to fly out here for additional visits with them, which has left my son feeling even more disconnected and resentful.

Kaeldrasmommy · June 2012

Nineoceans:
I actually think his dad and SM should see that. It shouldn't be torture for kids to spend time with the other parent. Maybe he is at the age where he decides the level of relationship he wants with his dad and they both meet in the middle to create a positive relationship

In this case I happen to agree. It sounds like an 'around the bush' kind of way of telling hs BF something that he doesn't want to come out and say out loud.

fellesferie · June 2012

I think you did the right thing. For me, the issue would be the way that once you put something on the internet, you can't ever get it back. Even if he means it now, there will be a time later on when he wishes he hadn't put it on FB.

In a weird way, I think it's kind of admirable that he's willing to say what he has to say (more or less) to their faces. I think that's healthier than either just bottling it up, or being incapable of telling your XH how he feels.

lily_721 · June 2012

SS1 recently posted "I hate my life; I wish someone would put me out of my misery." This made family members alert and the phone calls started. It was all over having to clean his bedroom. This is a weekly chore.

MarSamWhitney · June 2012

fellesferie:

I think you did the right thing. For me, the issue would be the way that once you put something on the internet, you can't ever get it back. Even if he means it now, there will be a time later on when he wishes he hadn't put it on FB.

In a weird way, I think it's kind of admirable that he's willing to say what he has to say (more or less) to their faces. I think that's healthier than either just bottling it up, or being incapable of telling your XH how he feels.

I agree with this, and lots of the other PP's. You did the right thing, but at the same time I feel like XH maybe should of saw it. I secretly hope he did ;-)

Tasheystar · June 2012

I also think you're doing the right thing by monitoring his FB account & restricting it in this case. I'm a teacher (I currenly have 2 classes of teens/pre-teens, so I know something of what your'e going through) and I overhear some crazy things that happen on FB. They also talk about Youtube videos that are really not appropriate for that age. I swear, they know all the words to Red Solo Cup & most of them are 12.

There are two possibilities I see. A) Like someone else said, he's trying to tell his dad that he has issues with him without actually saying it to his face, like many pre-teens, he impulsively wrote what he was feeling, not caring who it might affect. It's good to see that his online words will have consequences in the real world though. Future employers do look at FB pages if they can.

ETA: I shouldn't have said "not caring who it might affect". I should have said "not realizing it may hurt someone".

nurrieum · June 2012

jobalchak:
Nineoceans:
I actually think his dad and SM should see that. It shouldn't be torture for kids to spend time with the other parent. Maybe he is at the age where he decides the level of relationship he wants with his dad and they both meet in the middle to create a positive relationship

I'm glad you said this. I've been going back and forth with it in my mind for several years about their relationship and if it's toxic for my son. While I want to encourage my son to have some sort of relationship with his father, I also feel like forcing him to spend time with his father is making the whole visit a negative experience. Unfortunately, because of the long distance my XH only sees the kids once or twice a year for 2 weeks at a time. He refuses to fly out here for additional visits with them, which has left my son feeling even more disconnected and resentful.

I kind of agree. I think his father should see how his son is feeling because if DS isn't able to discuss it with you- he may have an even harder time when he's actually with his Dad. Kids use social media to express what they can't always say and that might have been his way of saying "Dad hurt me." in teenage speak. As much as you'd like DS to express his feelings in a respectful manner and in a more appropriate form; to a teen facebook can be a safe place where they can let it out. I'm not condoning your son doing something deemed inappropriate but he may feel like that's the only outlet he has. I think of how difficult it can be for grown men to express their feelings- getting a growing man to do it is worse than pulling teeth.

Since he doesn't want to actually discuss it- perhaps you could talk to your son about a different outlet maybe along the same lines to express his feelings. If he could try a blog- some place where he's free to be himself but it can be a little more private but it's not some girly journal That might get him to talk more about all the crazy things that go on with him. It's also something that could shown to his Dad so he could see the affect it took on his child- though you may be holding your breath for him to actually care. At least then he'd also have to face how his actions affect his son.

CFjo2010 · June 2012

nurrieum:
jobalchak:
Nineoceans:
I actually think his dad and SM should see that. It shouldn't be torture for kids to spend time with the other parent. Maybe he is at the age where he decides the level of relationship he wants with his dad and they both meet in the middle to create a positive relationship

I'm glad you said this. I've been going back and forth with it in my mind for several years about their relationship and if it's toxic for my son. While I want to encourage my son to have some sort of relationship with his father, I also feel like forcing him to spend time with his father is making the whole visit a negative experience. Unfortunately, because of the long distance my XH only sees the kids once or twice a year for 2 weeks at a time. He refuses to fly out here for additional visits with them, which has left my son feeling even more disconnected and resentful.
I kind of agree. I think his father should see how his son is feeling because if DS isn't able to discuss it with you- he may have an even harder time when he's actually with his Dad. Kids use social media to express what they can't always say and that might have been his way of saying "Dad hurt me." in teenage speak. As much as you'd like DS to express his feelings in a respectful manner and in a more appropriate form; to a teen facebook can be a safe place where they can let it out. I'm not condoning your son doing something deemed inappropriate but he may feel like that's the only outlet he has. I think of how difficult it can be for grown men to express their feelings- getting a growing man to do it is worse than pulling teeth.
Since he doesn't want to actually discuss it- perhaps you could talk to your son about a different outlet maybe along the same lines to express his feelings. If he could try a blog- some place where he's free to be himself but it can be a little more private but it's not some girly journal That might get him to talk more about all the crazy things that go on with him. It's also something that could shown to his Dad so he could see the affect it took on his child- though you may be holding your breath for him to actually care. At least then he'd also have to face how his actions affect his son.

I really, REALLY like the idea of a blog. My son is an avid reader and has recently started talking about maybe writing a book one day. An "anonymous" blog might be a step in the right direction for him emotionally. That way he's ready to, he can let his father read what he's been writing. Plus it might be good for my son to reflect on it later.

FutureMrsWittig · June 2012

If it were me I would use this as an opportunity to talk to my son about not using passive aggression. Tell him you understand that he doesn't want to go. Tell him it's good to express his feelings about it, BUT that he has to do it a) appropriately b) directly to the people involved and c) with good reason and rationale.

So he needs to sit down and think about why he doesn't want to go see his dad. And then he needs to sit down with you or with his dad and step mom and flat out say it in a respectful manner.

CFjo2010 · June 2012

Thank you everyone for your input. I spoke with my son a bit this morning (and last night) and his reasons for not wanting to go see his dad are: a) He hates him (don't ya just love teenagers?!) b) He doesn't enjoy being "paraded around SM's family like some kind of trophy" and c) Dad doesn't make the effort, why should he?

My son's last 2 reasons stuck with me the most. When the kids go visit their father (we're in CA, he's in TN) they spend each day of their 2 week visit going to various family members homes being "shown off". I asked DS to elaborate on what he meant and he said that he feels as though his father is trying to show him and his sister off and take credit for things he had no part in helping them with (football, cheer, tumbling, band, etc.). DS said it's embarrassing for him having to correct everyone on things because his father gave them the wrong info (what position he plays in football, what instrument he plays in band, etc.).

And his final point of contention: "Why should R and I have to disrupt our lives to go visit someone who won't extend the same courtesy to us?" Wow. Even at 13, my son has figured out that relationships are give and take. DS went on to say that he thinks it's selfish of his father to never come out here for a visit to "pretend to care" about what he and his sister have going on. According to him, my husband is more of a father to him than his bio-father (yes, he actually used that term) because he's here caring and being involved.

I suggested he write a letter/email to his father explaining all of this, and he said he's think about it.

Kaeldrasmommy · June 2012

jobalchak:

Thank you everyone for your input. I spoke with my son a bit this morning (and last night) and his reasons for not wanting to go see his dad are: a) He hates him (don't ya just love teenagers?!) b) He doesn't enjoy being "paraded around SM's family like some kind of trophy" and c) Dad doesn't make the effort, why should he?

My son's last 2 reasons stuck with me the most. When the kids go visit their father (we're in CA, he's in TN) they spend each day of their 2 week visit going to various family members homes being "shown off". I asked DS to elaborate on what he meant and he said that he feels as though his father is trying to show him and his sister off and take credit for things he had no part in helping them with (football, cheer, tumbling, band, etc.). DS said it's embarrassing for him having to correct everyone on things because his father gave them the wrong info (what position he plays in football, what instrument he plays in band, etc.).

And his final point of contention: "Why should R and I have to disrupt our lives to go visit someone who won't extend the same courtesy to us?" Wow. Even at 13, my son has figured out that relationships are give and take. DS went on to say that he thinks it's selfish of his father to never come out here for a visit to "pretend to care" about what he and his sister have going on. According to him, my husband is more of a father to him than his bio-father (yes, he actually used that term) because he's here caring and being involved.

I suggested he write a letter/email to his father explaining all of this, and he said he's think about it.

Ouch. Poor kiddo, that's harsh. I hope he decides to write that letter. It doesn't sound like he would have any problem getting his point across!

CFjo2010 · June 2012

Pegleg715:

Can I ask, do you feel that your son SHOULD go? Or do you think that your x should be making more of an effort? Or do you send them only because it's in the CO? Due to the distance (we're in CA, XH is in TN), I feel that my son really needs to use the 2 visits each year. However, I also feel very strongly that XH should be making more of an effort to build a relationship with the kids. I have offered extra time to him repeatedly for him to fly out during the week or on a long weekend to see the kids. XH has declined every time because he "has no need to be in CA". Um, pretty sure your kids are a reason to be in CA....

In our state, at the age of 10 (which I think is a little young...) the child can determine who they want to live with permanently, and whether they want to be a part of the other parents life or not.

I should note that this is decided by the child ONCE, not week to week based on whatever they may or may not be missing out on socially. It's supposed to be based on how they feel about the parents.

I may have missed in yoru post something about this... but maybe it's just time to let him make his own choice about this, and if he feels so slighted by his father maybe his father should make the effort to come see him if he cares so much. Again, due to the distance and infrequent visits, I'm not sure if a Judge would even allow my son to choose not to visit his father. Plus, I feel weird allowing my son to have that kind of choice at this age. His sister will still be flying out to see their father once sometimes twice a year, so where does that leave DS? Maybe that will force XH to step up and make an effort to see the kids more.

CFjo2010 · June 2012

I tend to agree with Wendi in this. It might sound completely cold and callous of me, but considering how infrequently the kids see XH I feel DS needs to just suck it up and go. He's not being physically or emotionally abused out there, he's hurting from prior acts. The only time XH can try and "make it up" to DS is during these visits. Especially since he has only 7 more visits until he turns 18. I just disagree with the way he "sent" the message of displeasure to his father.

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