Game over. Please don't try again.

AmCheri · June 2012

Hi everyone. Sorry I've not posted much in the last week. We've been very busy with funeral-related events and then we had to travel for the funeral.

Yesterday morning, we had a phone consult with our RE following our third failed attempt. The RE said that we have a 2-3% chance of success with IVF and that he advises against a further cycle. He's willing to do whatever we want, but he did say that we really ought to go with DE.

I think it's over with my OE. I'm 36 with the ovaries of a 48 year old, according to our RE. I'm extremely concerned about egg quality. RE agrees that people with DOR have an increased risk of trisomy regardless of age. He now thinks I'm DOR and a poor responder with a quality issue (thus our m/c in Dec).

Sooo, I don't know what else to say. We're pretty devastated. I now have access to three DE databases so I guess that's where we'll go. It's hard to believe this will ever be ok.

This note is already long enough, so I'll stop here. Thanks for reading ladies. Just wanted to post an update on our so called life.

Aegis2005 · June 2012

I'm so sorry (((hugs)))

Nesting.Away · June 2012

I so wish things were different for you ((hugs))

illinigal · June 2012

Hugs. I'm so sorry. Take care of yourself and do whatever is best for you and your Dh... Whether it be OE, DE, or something else.

lynn0926 · June 2012

Hugs hun! It is very hard to accept news like this. Take your time and grieve. It is a process and don't rush it. After you have worked through it you will be able to feel excited and happy again. I promise! Whatever path you choose will be there when you are ready for it. Huge, huge hugs! I am sorry for your loss too!

genmalone · June 2012

I'm so sorry.

((hugs))

jillychris · June 2012

HUGE ((HUGS)) sweetie. I am so sorry you got this news, and can only imagine how hard it was/is to process. Know that you will ultimately make whatever is the right decision for you, and that we will be here to support you and cheer you on, no matter what that decision is!

Roxie5739 · June 2012

I am so sorry ((((HUGS))))

Mrkyrain · June 2012

I am so sorry. This is such difficult news to hear. I know, I heard it several times. I don't think there is a right decision. After some time, you will know in your heart what the best choice for you and DH will be. We all will be here to support you no matter your choice.

naybird · June 2012

I'm so sorry. Big hugs. That must have been horrible to hear.

Would you consider going to another RE for a second opinion? I was told by my first RE that a surrogate would be the only way for me to have a take home baby. I tried a new RE and had sucess.

I know it's not always the case, but maybe a new set of eyes would help.

Take care.

Mrs.McIrish · June 2012

Oh my. I think I wrote this post last fall. Where to begin... Can you tell me your stats? Specifically what is your highest FSH/ AMH and how many eggs did you get? I just have a hard time with your RE telling you that you have the chances of a 48 yr old at 36. I know most people probably think I am beyond nuts to keep trying with my OE but I guess I am a gluton for punishment..

Is DE your best option? Maybe... probably. It really depends on how much you can put up with. For me, when someone tells me "NO", it sort of lights a fire in me to prove them wrong.

Where do you live? There are REs that work with DOR ladies and aren't so doom and gloom. Is traveling an option? Do you want to stop? Are you open to DE? Can you pay for DE? There are a thousand questions for you to figure out.

Back to me being crazy,I have seen too many stories on another forum where DOR ladies find success and at 36, they would call you young. That is why I keep trying even when the world tells me not to bother.

Hugs as you figure it out. Let me know if you want to chat. I know how hard it is.

JM1977 · June 2012

AmCheri:
Sooo, I don't know what else to say. We're pretty devastated. I now have access to three DE databases so I guess that's where we'll go. It's hard to believe this will ever be ok.

I remember feeling this way. It's a very dark place, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Coming to terms with DE was one of the most traumatic things I have experienced. Through some tough emotional work, I got to the place of being at peace with it. Now that I'm on the other side, all of my focus is on what I have gained through DE, and the loss doesn't hurt like it did anymore.

(((HUGS)))

AmCheri · June 2012

JM1977:
AmCheri:
Sooo, I don't know what else to say. We're pretty devastated. I now have access to three DE databases so I guess that's where we'll go. It's hard to believe this will ever be ok.
I remember feeling this way. It's a very dark place, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Coming to terms with DE was one of the most traumatic things I have experienced. Through some tough emotional work, I got to the place of being at peace with it. Now that I'm on the other side, all of my focus is on what I have gained through DE, and the loss doesn't hurt like it did anymore.
(((HUGS)))

Thanks JM. In my heart, I already know that what you're saying is true. Hearing it from you really helps. I think we're just afraid of the unknown.

reb259 · June 2012

I am so sorry. There is def a grieving process you have to go thru and don't feel like you need to rush it. Once you grieve what you have lost you will begin to think more clearly and like JM1977 said you can start to see/focus on what you will be gaining.

Seems like there are a number of DE ladies and we are all here to support you when and if you are ready to go down that path.

mm29 · June 2012

(((Huge hugs)))

Gregermis · June 2012

((((hugs)))) Sad

LaLe09 · June 2012

I'm really sorry.

amethystgrrl · June 2012

I'm sorry.... it's not an easy thing to hear. Take some time for yourself, we'll be here to support you. Hugs.

lynn0926 · June 2012

I just wanted to add, that even if you decide to move on, and are at peace with it, you will still have moments. It is all so very normal. I am 100% at peace with DE, butI had a moment after my grandma passed away. My family was looking at scrap books my grandma kept, and we were laughing about how so and so looks like auntie so and so, etc. I became very sad knowing that I will never be able to say that about any of my children. So, it is ok to have varying steps in the grieving process. I felt way better the next day. I am sure that I will still have days like that here and there. Let me tell you though, when I think that I have a 70% chance of seeing those double pink lines in a few weeks, it brings me to tears. (the 30% chance of not brings me to tears too lol), but you get the point. Just take your time. Your heart will bring you where you need to be when the time is right, be it your OE, DE, adoption, etc.

JM1977 · June 2012

AmCheri:
JM1977:
AmCheri:
Sooo, I don't know what else to say. We're pretty devastated. I now have access to three DE databases so I guess that's where we'll go. It's hard to believe this will ever be ok.
I remember feeling this way. It's a very dark place, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Coming to terms with DE was one of the most traumatic things I have experienced. Through some tough emotional work, I got to the place of being at peace with it. Now that I'm on the other side, all of my focus is on what I have gained through DE, and the loss doesn't hurt like it did anymore.
(((HUGS)))
Thanks JM. In my heart, I already know that what you're saying is true. Hearing it from you really helps. I think we're just afraid of the unknown.

That makes a lot of sense. Walking into the unknown of DE is terrifying. I always felt like there was just no way this was actually going to work out.

There were so many questions - Will we find a donor? Where are we going to get all this money?! Will something else happen that will prevent us from even being able to cycle? If we do cycle, will this work?? And then...Will I really be able to love this child like I would if she/he were genetically related to me? Will my heart hurt when people ask which one of us she is more like?

It's no wonder any of us gets to the other side! I guess we are a resilient bunch! I will say that DE has been a million times better than I could have ever imagined. I wouldn't have it any other way. But the fears are very real and can be totally overwhelming. I just found I had to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward even when it felt impossible.

We are here for you. (((HUGS)))

PurpleIris30 · June 2012

I'm so sorry.

You'll be in my thoughts.

winofairy · June 2012

I am so sorry Amcheri! It's heartbreaking to hear that our eggs are crap.

I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do. You will be in my T&P's.

jessican08 · June 2012

I'm so sorry ((BIG HUGS))

Mandy_Lou83 · June 2012

I am so sorry. ((HUGS))

joules12 · June 2012

So sorry that you have to deal with this, AmCheri!!! (((MAJOR HUGS)))

Anasara · June 2012

I'm sorry.

((hugs))

rosemary&thyme · June 2012

((HUGS))

Edwina.McDunnough · June 2012

Huge hugs !!!!!

mtlaurel · June 2012

I'm sorry. Going the DE route is an incredibly hard decision to make. I'm also 36, and still feel like it's crazy that I should be on this path, but we took our time reaching our decision and I'm confident in it. Good luck.

NMscubagirl · June 2012

Oh Am, I am so sorry. I hope you find the peace you need in going forward. ((hugs))

AmCheri · June 2012

naybird:
Would you consider going to another RE for a second opinion? I was told by my first RE that a surrogate would be the only way for me to have a take home baby. I tried a new RE and had sucess.

Hi there. Yes, we're going to seek a second opinion. I already have the appointment in the works. I think we just need to hear it from another RE and then we can commit to DE. Thanks for you note and for the support sweets. :-)