C-Section story and question

markybay · June 2012

First off, if you read this, thanks. I can't read c-section boards because women who say "I will take my easy c-section over one of those vaginal tears any day" really upset me, and make me feel guilty that I cannot handle my CS as well as them.

So here is my story:

I have an almost 8 month old DD who was born via c-section. I never went into labor naturally and was induced, reluctantly, at 41.5 weeks. Before the induction started I was 2 cm dilated. After 13 hours in labor, I had only dilated to 4cm. My OB said my contractions were strong, but the only thing holding the baby back at this point was that I was not dilating, so we had a c-section due to "lack of progression." He asked me if I wanted to do it and if it would be the worst thing in the world if I had a CS, and I have to admit that I never EVER thought about the possibility of having a CS during the whole pregnancy. We went ahead and did the CS and here I am 8 months later suffering from PTSD, hating my OB, hating my job at the hospital where I had DD, and dreading having another LO, even though I definitely want one more. It doesn't help that my abdomen still hurts to the touch, and my scar, while not visible, hurts worse than my abdomen. (We checked those out at my annual last month and nothing seems awry, just slow healing).

Anyway, my OB said that while he was in there, he saw why the VB would not have progressed had I dilated completely, which was that 1) LO was big, at 9lb 6oz, 2) She was crammed inside my uterus so tightly, like she had grown really fast in the end, and her head was turned at a slight angle (We could tell afterwards, she had a tiny start of a cone on the side of her head above her ear), and 3) she had the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck.

I don't give much credit to the size thing or the umbilical thing because I know people who have delivered bigger babies vaginally, and I hear stories about babies with umbilical cords wrapped around their necks all the time, the dr just unwraps it. Even though logically I am aware that those are valid concerns, I have given this a lot of thought trying to justify to myself that I was weak and I should never have let them go through with the induction, and that the whole c-section was my fault.

Anyway, I always thought that with my next pregnancy, I would just go into the whole thing as if it were my first, but then I find out about this VBAC thing, and trial labors, an don't understand why they have to make such a big deal about trying to have a baby vaginally after a CS. I understand that maybe the chances of having a RCS are higher since my body has already proven it sucks at delivering babies, but can I just go into the pregnancy as if it were my first and avoid all the stress of deciding whether or not I should try to have a vaginal birth? Why is it such a big deal and why do they have to keep reminding me of my failure the first time around?

cchill01 · June 2012

Hugs. It sounds like you still have a lot of healing to do (emotionally and physically). I would say it was a good solid year, maybe more, before I could think about DD's birth without anger, regret and sadness. I hope that you are working through all of that with someone.

I had a similar story to yours - went in at 41.5, 60 hours of induction, dilated to 10, but after 30 minutes of pushing the OB and nurse were both pushing the C/S. I gave in, which I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for. DD was 9lbs 1oz. I still had pain around my middle a year later.

I think the great part about getting pregnant again, is that I've been able to convert a lot of those negative emotions into motivation to fight for and achieve my VBAC. It's not easy to find the right provider and hospital to get your TOL. So, you will have to search. I found a midwife and a new hospital which are much more in line with my beliefs and desires.

And as for being able to birth #2 - there's no reason to assume #2 will be bigger. By all measures so far, my second is going to be smaller than my first. He/she still had room to roll over earlier this week. Also, you probably won't have the cord wrapping again....which can definitely prevent the baby from descending.

My advice is to deal with recovery from #1, then work on your emotions about getting pregnant again. We waited almost two years, until I was in a much better place. 8 months is not a lot of time to work through PTSD and process everything that happened.

Twizzle · June 2012

I can totally relate to everything you said. My c/s and labor experience was fairly similar to yours, and it took me a long time to recover too. My scar/abdomen hurt for at least a year when touched. And once you have had a c/s, it's like you are scarred in more ways that one--labeled as a VBAC/RCS. I think the main reason for the labeling is for liability. You can still approach it as if it were your first birth. I do think that there is a lot more mental work you have to do, unfortunately. It makes me mad a lot of the time that I have to do all this work and preparation, and hire a doula, etc. for something that should just come naturally.

Is there an ICAN meeting close to you that you can attend? I have found that going to meetings really helps me work through these kind of feelings and also know that I'm not alone. Reading VBAC birth stories has helped me a lot too.

candyfisherman · June 2012

I relate so much to your story, it brought tears to my eyes just reading is..mine is almost identical..(minus the baby's head being tilted). My csection baby has just turned 2 and i still sometimes want to cry when i think about his birth, i feel like i failed there:( It took me just over a year to feel like i could trust my scar to stay together and feel almost "normal" again

on a happier note I am 33 weeks along with number 2 and I have spent so much time reading and researching about VBAC's that i feel hopeful and confident that I will be able to have the natural birth this time that I wanted so badly last time. I feel now that i am finally healing (emotionally) from the first birth..and even if, worst case scenario, i end up needing another csection..that this time it will not be because i didn't do absolutely everything possible to go natural, (which i guess i'll always wonder if i could have held out a little longer and succeeded with my first)

I keep reminding myself ( as does my awesome doula) that its not that my body sucks..just that my lil guy wasn't ready to come out and that being strapped (fetal monitor) and IV'd to the bed didn't give him (or me) a chance to do the work he needed to do to come out once i was induced. I have been lucky this time to find a family doctor who does not make it a big deal..she just assumes like i do..that "of course" I will deliver vaginally this time. And my doula has been really great at helping me too..I think (hope) that having the right team this time (i didn't last time) that no matter what happens, i will feel more empowered after this birth.. because i am much more educated this time and will push for the induction and intervention free birth that i feel is best for baby and I (assuming we're both still perfectly healthy by D-day of course;)

So..i hope i don't come off sounding like and a$$ here..but it can get better..given time. and hopefully when you do have your next baby..it will be a healing and exciting experience for you as it has been for me.

emaddock · June 2012

Just a quick note to say I totally relate to your story. I too dealt with PTSD/depression after DD was born and even though I wanted more kids the thought of going through labor again made me sick. Well here I am 2 years later and pregnant and in a much better place than I thought I would be. Hang in there and know you aren't alone!

q4466w · June 2012

First of all, I am happy for women who find c-section a "breeze" but that was not me either. You are NOT alone, and many of us feel all of the same things you are feeling. Two years later I am still fighting these same issues you are addressing, but I can say it gets better. I found a great counselor who has helped me a ton. And I have to say, to be able to survive a traumatic birth experience and still be present to love and support your child and family means you are anything but a failure. You are a warrior!

And everything you're experiencing is normal. Hang in there, be gentle with yourself, and don't forget that LOTS of women feel a lot of the same things you are feeling.

Seabiscut3 · June 2012

I echo so much of what's here. My CS baby is 4, and I still feel mixed emotions on her birthday -- since it's also the anniversary of the surgery, the scar, the failing. Isn't that sad? It makes me feel guilty, but there it is.

I, too, had pain from the scar for a very long time. (And no doctor would take it seriously. My GP gave me a handout on "groin strain." I didn't have groin strain. I had pain from fing surgery.) I had the "nerve" pain of the tenderness, but also muscle pain especially on one side.

I said for a long time that I was too angry to have postpartum depression. But the truth is there was a lot of sadness mixed in. I also started researching VBAC right away -- but we waited until DD was 2 to start TTC. It is nice to have time for both physical and emotional healing.

Baby #2 was a successful VBAC. And the pain from the scar was reduced almost to nothing after she was born.

I agree: You are a warrior, and not alone.

Jen524 · June 2012

I agree with what the others are saying. I still get sad sometimes thinking about DD1's birth. It took me a good year to feel better physically and emotionally. With her birth, it was an induction at 39w1d due to elevated blood pressure. The induction took 30 hours. I dilated to complete and pushed for two hours without her dropping. Her heart rate would fall every time I pushed and didn't recover how they liked. I was so tired and feel like I failed at giving birth. Especially since I went through the first 24 hours with no pain medication and then opted for the narcotic which made me incredibly sleepy and did not help while pushing. I still feel like some of my choices caused the initial C-section.

It did not help that my in-laws, especially my sister-in-law, were convinced that I chose the "easy" way out and that I chose the c-section. My sister-in-law actually told me that I was stupid for listening to my doctor about the induction and that I could have chose to not have the c-section (even though DD was not doing well during pushing). Their lack of support did not help the healing process at all. Especially after she gave birth to her son 4 months after my daughter and she couldn't wait to tell me how "easy" her vaginal delivery was.

Getting pregnant with DD2 actually helped me in the healing process of DD1's birth. I wanted a VBAC, if I could, because I wanted that experience. I, however, did not go into her birth with my mind solely set on a vaginal birth. I knew things could happen and I could end up with a RCS. I did not have high blood pressure issues this time and went into labor on my own. I stayed at home for a long time while I labored. It was an amazing experience to be at home with DH and just knowing that every contraction I was having was getting me closer to having our baby. We went to the hospital once the contractions were unbearable and 5 hours later DD2 was born, successful VBAC after 1.5 hours of pushing.

Her birth made me realize that I wasn't a failure at giving birth and that my body could do it! Especially since she was in the same position as her sister (OP) and 2lbs heavier.

Good luck to your as you sort out your feelings. It is okay to be feeling what you are feeling and know that many of us have gone through the same feelings. It takes time to heal both physically and emotionally.

markybay · June 2012

Thank you for all your kind responses. I do know that 8 months is not a lot of time to heal physically from a surgery or emotionally from an unexpected experience. I have support from my DH now, but people still try to logic the guilt away (If you hadn't had a CS, you both could have died; you have a beautiful dd, isn't that enough, etc). But I am definitely in a better place than I was. I sure don't spend a day crying like I used to. We also recently stopped BF, so hopefully some more of my hormones will even out and I will feel even better still. I had a therapist but I did not like her, so I will be starting with a new one soon on a recommendation from a friend of mine.

Also, I did not mean to say that I think anything less of women who are satisfied with CS. I just mean to say that it makes me feel bad that I cannot be as happy as they are, and makes me feel selfish. I have a friend who had failed anesthesia during a CS and I definitely feel inadequate in my feelings when compared to her experience. But anyway. It is nice to know that I am not alone.

I am also glad to see so many success stories here and I will be around.

Thanks so much.

Jena503 · June 2012

I think that a mal-positioned baby and a cord wrapped around the neck are both valid reasons for a c/s. And I think those reasons also make you a good candidate for a vbac - because YOUR BODY DID NOT FAIL. You're right to ignore the big baby thing, that's usually just a bunch of crap.

Your body does NOT suck at delivering babies.

There were issues with the baby that led to c/s, and sorry to say that just happens sometimes. You seem very casual about a cord wrapped around the neck, but that is not always easy to fix and can lead to bad outcomes.

The c/s was NOT YOUR FAULT.

You really need to find an ICAN meeting to go to. I think it will help you.

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