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Blended Families
Poor DH
DH came down from putting the kids to bed last night and he cried. I guess SD cries before bed every night she's with us. Poor DH doesn't know how to handle it. I didn't know because I usually give DH time to have some snuggle time after I've said goodnight to both kids. I'm actually not sure it happens every single time, but enough to bother DH. I suspect it might be because she wants attention, but I don't just want to brush it off either. Any words of wisdom/advice?
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Re: Poor DH
depending on how old she is try to find out why. also maybe get something special for bedtime (a stuff animal or something) that she can keep with her that stays are your place just so theres no oops i forgot to pack it.
it can be hard for kids going back and forth. different routines and rules at their different homes
Not knowing why she's upset it would be hard to gage. I'm assuming she's crying for her BM- or she's just upset and can't communicate why?
My SS spends the majority of time with us and has a lot of trouble sleeping at his BM's and had some fear issues. So I guess it would come down to why she's upset. One of things that helped soothe my SS is I bought an essential oil for peace and calming and would rub it and massage his feet with it before bed time. However that doesn't help everyone and my SS problem was more nightmare/afraid of the dark related.
I don't want to pry into information you don't feel comfortable sharing- but not knowing her age or how often you see her I'm kind of stabbing in the dark. Perhaps adjusting the nighttime routine- perhaps starting a little earlier and having more cuddle and comfort time may be of some help as well.
Thanks ladies for your responses.
My SD is 6. We have her every second/third weekend. It really depends on DH/BM's schedules. I don't think she cried last night, but I forgot to ask DH when he came down (he came down after about 5 minutes of snuggles, so I assume she was fine). She usually brings a sleep toy with her, though she does have a doll here as well -it's not really one you could cuddle with though.
For a while she was having nightmares? I put the question mark there because she's never woken up at our house for that kind of thing, and she's never mentioned it in the morning (I ask the kids how they slept when they wake up). I gave her my dream catcher & explained how it traps the bad dreams, etc. That seemed to make her feel better.
To be honnest, I've noticed that more often than not she'll cry if she talks to BM before bed. We are also more firm when it comes to house rules, so I think that might have an impact on things.
I just don't know what to say to DH to make him feel better. He's an amazing dad, which is part of the reason I fell in love & married him (I have a son from a previous relationship. He adopted him, and treats both kids the same). But he feels like it's his fault that she's crying and doesn't know what to do about it.
I hope that answered all your questions. I'll go back and read the responses to make sure I didn't miss anything.
It could be a couple of things- could be that she misses her mom. if it is worse when she talks to BM before bed, have BM call in the mornings (thats what our BM does)
It could be that she was upset that she missed BM and cried once and got attention (as pp said)
It could be a scared of the dark/ nightmare situation- that you will need to talk about.
my advise for DH is to keep the bedtime routine consistent. if she starts crying, ask her what is wrong (try to keep it brief) then have him say something along the lines of, I'm sorry you are upset by XYZ, its bedtime now, you know that I love you and its okay that you are upset but you need to go to sleep and we can talk about why you are upset in the morning.
that way he is acknowledging her feelings, but not giving her too much attention for it. if she generally is sad about something (like missing BM) there's really not much he can do about it anyways.
My SS used to cry at bed time for his mom.
I came to the conclusion that he missed his mom!
Reassure her that she is loved by you all, including her mom, and that she will see her soon. Lots of hugs and love should help the situation.
^^ We used to have this problem with K. BM would demand a phone call every night before bed when K is with us, and then K would be so upset after the phonecall. Turns out BM was telling K how sad she was that K wasn't home with her and how much she missed K. K would get off the phone and cry because "Mommy's sad". My husband put a stop to "goodnight" phonecalls, and changed them to "good morning" phonecalls. I'm not saying that your BM is doing the same thing (our BM has major co-dependency issues), but I know once the "goodnight" phonecalls stopped, K went to bed happy and we didn't have anymore crying.
Maybe instead of talking to BM right before bed have the phonecall be right after dinner. This will give your SD time to "wind down" after the phonecall, and she'll be focusing on other things right before bedtime.
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I like this idea. I'll mention this or the good morning call to DH.
Thanks again for your input ladies. You gave me some good suggestions (including how to talk to SD about it).