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Blended Families
nurrieum
member
BM Drama (long-opps posted too soon)
nurrieum
member
I'm new and I'm new to the whole blended family experience.
My DH's BM has hardly been in his life from day 1. My husband took care of his son pretty much from birth- he's military so sometimes my SS would be with my DH's family. I became a part of my SS life a year ago and my DH and I recently got married. From the start my SS looked at me as a mom and I really embraced that. To me, he's my kid- no less than the one I'm about to have. My DH's BM seems to encourage this- because we are her free babysitters while she goes and parties or whatever. We are a young couple and are saving up for lawyer, there is currently no agreement in place at all. They have always just worked it out that my DH cares for him the most (she once left him with my DH for 3 weeks and didn't even bother to call and check on him).
However things are changing- first- my SS would come back from his mom's with obvious signs of abuse. He would have unexplained bruises and suddenly emotionally regressed and stopped talking. At times (with no prompting- we were careful about that) he would say "such and such (ie BM or her boyfriend) hit me" and be visibly afraid of his mother and her boyfriend. His skin condition went out of control because she refused to put any of his meds on it and suddenly my son was terrified of the bathtub. We would get ready for a bath and he'd scream "HOT" and cry about "owwies". His legs had red marks but we had trouble telling that from his skin condition. My DH would have to get into the tub with him to assure him that he wouldn't be burned.
So during that awful period we'd trouble seeing my SS, my DH's BM was living where we couldn't find her and she put our SS with an Aunt that had no contact information. Finally BM's family got so fed up with her and her negligence she was forced to take her son back- which means WE get him. That was the hardest time of our lives though- we were contacting police officers, family members, without a CO things are tricky.
So now he's with us 90% of the time, because she'd rather party. She likes to take him for a few hours or maybe an overnight so she can "play mommy" and tell her facebook friends she's a hard working single mother. We have to play by her rules right now because we haven't made it to court yet- and wow does she love that power trip. She has a substance abuse problem, she picks men who have admittedly hit her son, she's denied my son (sorry SS) medical care numerous times and one morning was found by the police wandering the streets HE'S 3 (why they didn't call DHS I don't know but don't even get me started).
Basically I'm 36 weeks pregnant and it's been a difficult pregnancy, because my husband works I primary care for my SS and I love it. However this is an on-going and continuing problem and I haven't even gotten to the half of it. The horrific and so sad thing is that my SS loves his mom just as much as he loves me and his Dad but I've seen the heartbreak in his eyes when she rejects him and that makes me just as angry despite wishing she were out of the picture.
I just needed to get that out. Any advice on preparing for court, what to bring, and what to document? We write down all the times he's with us (we'll probably get a joint custody agreement and be his primary care providers at leas to start), we've recorded her denying him critical care, her negligence when found by the police wandering around, her messages geo-tagging her at a bar when she told us she was working. etc.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: BM Drama (long-opps posted too soon)
I'm not sure how it works because SS has her last name, she claims him on taxes etc. Without a CO or custody agreement we were figuring we had no rights at all, my DH was just fine with leaving it at that because he always had our SS. He saw no reason to pursue it legally. Except now that she started screwing with us and we're not sure what we can do. We've had some consultations with a lawyer and he advised that if we can stick it out a few more months of documenting time he's been with us- he believes it will go well for us getting primary care providers and custody in place and then continue from there.We've been kind of catering to her schedule (lol which actually works in our favor because it means he's with us that much more- she's NEVER pushing for more time with him- always less- and we are ALL to happy to comply).
She's had very limited him with him in the past three months and we have noticed no more signs of abuse. He's back to talking and he's moving forward amazingly- because he spends the majority of his time in the safety of our home.
I will look more into what rights we have since nothing is in place- I guess I just convinced myself we had none and if there's more we can do we will surely do so. Thank you.
the fact that she claims him on taxes might make it tricky, as it could easily turn into he-said-she-said with BM. I assume he is not in daycare or anything, so its not like someone could verify that you/dh pick up/drop off almost every day.
keep documenting, take pictures of bruises (try to be discreet) write down dates and times BM has picked him up (even places) try to communicate with BM via text or e-mail so that you can print that out for court as well. gather any police reports or medical info as well.
l look more into what rights we have
This seems pointless if you think he is being abused. Just go straight to the cops. Doesn't matter what rights you think you guys have when it comes down to his safety. What does it hurt to try? The more time you waste not trying is the more times he will come back with bruises
We actually have witnesses from his family and hers to testify how often he's with us. We've been staying with my Grandmother in law to help care for her and though we are moving soon (other long and painful story) but she and my in laws can testify to how often we've had him. Her family has also offered us support and we're hoping that will last come court time. When he's sick, we take him to the doctor- in fact the BM couldn't be bothered to pick up a prescription our SS needed and she didn't even have to freaking pay for it. When she refused to pick up his prescription (her needing to sign for the script) I recorded it, informed his pediatrician he was denied critical care- then went and got it myself.
We took pictures of bruises and I did speak to an officer when (about 3 months ago) my SS came home with a bloody nose (blood still on his face) and he said "mommy pushed my nose". That cop did nothing, We took pictures and documented the whole thing. That happened the same day he was found wandering by the police and they didn't file a report because he had no visible signs of injury- therefore creating a timeline that the injury to his nose happened between 9am when they dropped him back off with her and noon when we got him. Which is directly inconsistent with her saying it had occurred the day before (she didn't even wash his face- if it had happened the day prior why the hell didn't she wash the blood off). We decided not to involve DHS this route because their goal will be rehabilitating the BM and getting our SS back with her- she's had enough chances and we don't want to have to fight her AND the state.
She communicates through facebook a lot and I am able to see her geo-tagged location and I have copies of all of that.
The odd thing is that because we're afraid she'll just run off with him, we play very nice in the sand box. Which is doubly good because then SS never sees the drama, he sees all three of his parents getting along. We're thinking we might start by filling a court order agreement ourselves and getting that in place simply to get some rights established and then working on paying for the lawyer fees.
I should note again- in the past 2 months we haven't seen signs of abuse because she has limited contact. If any further signs present- we will be reporting it, however I should have been clearer, since his time with her has been limited- he has had no bruises etc.
Thanks, we live in midwest united states and from my understanding despite the fact that my DH's name is on the birth certificate they weren't married so he has to prove his paternity. Which my DH's says he had done but is unsure where the records of that are. I adore my husband and he's an amazing father but he's not the most organized man, at all.
Thank you! I will!
If your SS is getting TRICARE, then he doesnt need to immediately need to find the paperwork since it had to be provided (either DNA or a court order) to get TRICARE coverage. If its good enough for the federal government, it will be good enough for a Cop if you choose not to send him home because you are concerned with his care.
AUGH Wow thank you!! We wish we had known that sooner!! My SS was on my DH's TRICARE and BM managed to put him on medicaid- we just recently spoke to a woman in our local DEERS office and she told us what we need to bring in to have that changed over again. My DH is now paying child support for SS medicaid and we have no problem with that but since WE take him to all his doctor appointments we've wanted him back on our insurance. So from the paperwork we just received in the mail we should be able to put him back on my DH's tricare. I will be getting on this Monday morning!! Thank you.
Your SS was never OFF TRICARE. As long as he meets the requirements to be a dependent, he will always be eligible for TRICARE. If there is other insurance, say BCBS or Medicade, TRICARE just becomes secondary payer.
IF SS has other insurance, then BM has just committed Welfare Fraud. Your DH needs to contact the state Medicade office and start fraud proceedings. It is fraud like this that keeps the people who NEED care from receiving it...not to mention she committed a felony - wont look good in a custody case.
Thank you, because we were really confused when we found out he was on Medicaid. BM tried saying that it was because SS was not on insurance- well I informed her I have the paperwork at my home showing how SS was stated as a dependent etc but I'm still really new to TRICARE and how that works as well. I just showed this to my DH he will contacting Medicaid and DEERS. I will keep everyone posted on how that's going for us. Thank you so much for your help and advice- my husband and I are young parents and are very new to all of these. A lot of times it feels like we're flying blind and things easily get overwhelming. Thank you so much for your help and support.