- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Attachment Parenting
anna7602
member
I have a cryer (discipline-related)
anna7602
member
I am having a really bad gut reaction to DD's latest reaction to being disciplined that goes back to the way my own mother reacts when confronted with any kind of criticism/complaint. They both break down and cry and tell me how much they love me instead of focusing on the problem at hand.
DD just did this and I pretty much had to shut myself up in a room to calm down instead of totally losing my $hit on her.
She acted TERRIBLY on a Skype call to some friends at home. The call was with a friend of DD's and his mom, who is a good friend of mine. Anytime I tried to talk, DD yelled over me, pushed me out of the camera lens, and at one point, started hitting me. This is not okay. We ended the call and I told DD I wasn't taking her out to dinner as I had promised. She got hysterical.
She's had a hard day shut up at home because the weather is bad and I know she was really excited to talk to her friend as well as probably feeling all kinds of weird emotions at seeing someone from home on the screen. I was trying to be really understanding of all of that and not react too harshly, but when I kept trying to explain why her behavior wasn't acceptable, she kept crying and trying to hug me and tell me she loves me so much, instead of actually listening to what I was saying.
So maybe this is normal for a kid, but the fact that my mom does this same exact thing drives me insane and I don't know what to do.
Help?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I have a cryer (discipline-related)
I think you handled it well. Walking away when you were upset is helpful.
DS doesn't do exactly the crying and hugging thing, but he does say "mommy please don't be mad." It is the pulling at the heart strings type talk. And then I worry that I am being too harsh, but then I think there are moments I need to be firm and yes he does need to understand that there are times when his behavior is unacceptable. Luckily this doesnt happen often, so I continue to work with DS even when he starts to do this. So when he starts I will say something like "yes I am frustrated right now, but it is time to listen." Or something along those lines.
Also helpful that you recognize she had a rough day being inside and using skype, etc. Maybe use that too when talking to her. If I know something like that is going on I use that as the conversation starter. So I might say to DS "I know it has been a long day and you might feel tired" or "yeah sometimes it is hard to stop playing and do something you don't want."
I do think it is appropiate to calm down while emotions are running high and then talk about the incident. I usually try to make this "short" though, because I do think kids our age move on so quickly. If we each take a 5 minute break and then talk calmly. I think once you get past 30 minutes the kids have moved on and hard to talk about it then.
Well...hope that is somewhat helpful. You are not alone, so hope that is somewhat helpful too!
You did great. Walking away is the best thing you can do in moments like those. If your daughter has a similar behavior to your mother (that drives you crazy) it will take a lot of self-management to not be reactive. But even if you are sometimes, it's ok.
A good friend of mine suggested the book Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood to me. I like some of it, though it's more geared towards parents of kids older than mine. I don't agree with everything, but I like the way it helps parents set boundaries and give consequences while coming from a place of empathy. It seems like what you did in that situation would fit well with the book's philosophy.
I don't know if that actually helped, but I hope it does!
If it makes you feel better, I was a crier. I cried all the time. Everything set me off. I blame having a much older brother that would tease me until I cried - it made a habit of just crying easily. I have grown into a normal adult that can handle criticism (if I must).
I think you did just fine. Next time you skype, prepare her before with your expectations and cut it off again if she doesn't abide by them. Other than that, just try to stay calm and not make a big deal over her hysterics.
Natural Birth Board FAQs
Cloth Diaper Review Sheet
Good food for thought.
Also, my English is clearly going downhill the longer I spend out of the U.S., Um, crier, yes, not cryer.
Good idea. I try to remember after a rough moment when we are calm to tell DS that I love him all the time, even when I am mad or frustrated. And then I explain that we all get angry or frustrated at times. I am really working on normalizing and talking about feelings. I think way too many kids are not allowed to feel certain feelings, especially boys (the "don't cry" crap). I also want DS to know it is okay to not always feel positive feelings, we just need to know how to deal with them.