What to Say to People

BLuvsE · June 2012

who are genuinely interested in why I'm choosing natural birth, when they/their wives didn't go that route?

I dont' want to be offensive or scare them talking about the risks of medical procedures, how I think it's unnecessary, etc - but if they are genuinely interested and I know they are planning on future children, I also want to be able to discuss it with them.

I try not to talk about this with people just because I don't want to hear their comments about how painful it is, etc. but recently I've had people asking when they find out we're using a midwife..Why aren't you using a doctor? What's the difference? and then that becomes a conversation about interventions in childbirth.

*Sigh* I really don't want to offend people, but I also don't want them to think I'm going natural just because I want to be a hero.

WearingRed · June 2012

Tell them the truth. Tell them they might not want to hear what you are going to say and to stop you if they are uncomfortable. That you think the medicalization of birth is unnecessary and could be harmful to you or your child. Don't sugar coat but don't exaggerate. They asked you didn't just tell them they were crazy for doing thinks the way they did. Also tell them it is a personal and pregnancy by pregnancy choice. Or at least that is how I deal with it.

LaurelBee · June 2012

I always told people that I was scared of the epi needle, more so than childbirth. That way people got an answer and I didn't come off as preachy. This time, I've actually got a lot of support, so I won't even discuss things with other people like my SIL or my sisters. They are set in their ways, having 2 children already by time I give birth and I don't want to start an argument. (Or hear "my baby would've died!" again from them.)

NoeliaV · June 2012

Since you say that they are genuinely interested and that they may be planning for future children, I would just say that we've researched the various options for birth and concluded that this was the closest to what we want in an ideal scenario.

If they press, then I would feel free to explain to them that epidurals can come with side-effects that I would like to avoid, and that they can (in some instances) not work at all, so why not prepare for a pain-medication-free birth? (<-- part of our reason for preparing for a natural birth)

You could offer to share with them the resources you've gathered, too?

celiabwatson · June 2012

For me it wasn't completely about the side effects etc. I have issues with being out of control. I don't drink or do drugs because that feeling of not being completely in control of myself scares me (I had a seizure-like episode as a teenager and it might stem from that). Anyway, what I tell people depends on who's asking.

Random people - "Women have been giving birth for thousands of years, I'm sure I can do it too." (Interventions aren't automatically necessary)

Friends who I'm not super comfortable with - "I don't like hospitals and I don't feel like pregnancy is a problem/disease so I'd rather give birth in a less medical setting."

Friends who I'm willing to share my fear with - "I'm afraid of having things done to my body and not being in control. I want to be able to move around and really experience the birth."

Does that help?

vintagejjane · June 2012

When we first decided home birth people would ask where I was going to deliver.. I said at home. Then they all wanted to tell me about how dangerous it is and how they know someone who knows someone who's baby died and they always asked if my midwife had an epidural on hand in case I couldn't "handle the pain." I stopped mentioning it and my thoughts of natural birth

dmhrn13 · June 2012

people are silly. you're being nice by not wanting to offend anyone. I agree with tell them the truth- but for many women- they aren't quite sure why they choose natural birth. many times its a spiritual calling- knowing that there is a better way to give birth. i HATE hearing "no one would have surgery without anesthesia" or "you won't get a metal by not getting an epidural". people like that are just not going to get it!

jenyjeny · June 2012

I always tell people the following:

1) I don't like doctors (true - I find most have lost their bedside manner)

2) I prefer not to sit in a doctors office with sick people while pregnant, and am happy to know the midwife I've been seeing over 9 months will actually be there, and their after care is beyond comparison.

3) the recovery time for me and baby are much faster than with meds.

4) I'm scared of epidurals

5) painful or not, our bodies are supposed to be able to do this, so when possible I will let it do it's thing.

6) I don't usually tell people this part, but the adrenaline kick after the baby comes out is SURREAL! I was so inlove instantly and thrilled beyond words.

That being said, now that I know the associated pain of child birth, I am weary about not getting an epidural 2nd time around, but my common sense knows it's worth it.

Nechie122 · June 2012

It's so interesting reading these responses about needing to "defend" the choice of a NB or hearing a lot of criticism. Where I'm from, natural birth is almost the trendy way to go and the worst anyone usually thinks is, oh, yeah, she's a hippie.

Most women I've encountered seemed to intuitively "get it" because they've read Dr. Sears or they're into "green" living or whatever.

I think some of the PPs had good suggestions. One thing I'd advise you NOT to do is lecture about the side effects of epidurals. With 90% of babies born this way, I think it comes across as fearmongering, sort of like the anti-vax-ers. Epidurals may have side effects like spinal headaches, but to say that babies are "drugged" is asking for trouble. An epidural is a perfectly safe form of analgesia, and a marvel of modern medicine -- allowing women who choose that route to have pain relief and the ability to be mentally present. They're not for everyone but it's not a shameful choice.

Celyn · June 2012

I told people I trusted my body and I wanted to experience every bit of the process, and if that included pain, I was open to feeling that too.

SWBs Wifey · June 2012

I didn't really worry about offending people with DS1... but then I ended up with pitocin and an epidural. :-(

With DS2, if anyone asked (and I can't remember that anyone did...) I'd have straight up told them that I've done it the other way and it was miserable.

So now I've done it the "right" way (the way everyone ELSE thinks it should be done- in a bed, on monitors, with pain meds) and I've done it MY way (100% natural- nothing to speed up labor, no pain medication, not even IV fluids) and I can assuredly say that I prefer natural. Oh it hurt like hell. Not gonna sugar coat that. But guess what? It hurt like hell when I was on pitocin and an epidural too, but with the epidural, I couldn't do a dang thing about it. This time, I was able to change positions and use other pain management techniques to cope with contractions, which helped me labor MUCH faster and when baby was in the wrong position, I was able to listen to what my body was telling me was the right position for him to turn and engage. When I was on my back pushing for 3.5 hours with DS1 for the same reason... it took less than an hour and 15 minutes with DS2. I tore with DS1. And I didn't with DS2. So if/when we go for #3, I have EVEN MORE reason to try for another natural birth. My body just handles it better that way.

lilmissdoe · June 2012

I am also using a midwife and would like to have a natural birth.. and you are right it is hard to explain to people why. It almost feels like you are defending something that has the word "natural" in the explanation. When thinking about childbirth in the past I assummed I would go natural. So I really didn't give the epidural much thought.. and then I saw one given when I was in nursing school and that confirmed my decision. When I explain how I just dont want to deal with all that and am scared to not feel anything I still get the "don't be a martyr" speech.

So I tell people:

My mother did it twice along with billions of woman. I can suck it up and get through it.

It is only temporary pain.

I just don't want all that fuss...it can cause a whole list of complications that would not be there if I would just do it natural. So why give yourself more to worry about when you already have one thousand things to think over?

I truly hope I can make it through without any pain medications. I want to remember the experience clearly and be in control. I know it will hurt like all hell... and I am surely not prepared for the level of pain.. but I am ready for the challenge!

stahlop · June 2012

I always start with the research. I just say when I did the research this seemed the best option for me. When people asked about getting an epi my response was that I didn't want to do all that hard work and not feel the baby coming out. When people asked why home over the hospital, I said I didn't want any temptations for the drugs. I still got tons of 'my baby or my friend's baby almost died stories', but I just brushed them off. Babies die in hospital birth's all the time so that didn't scare me one bit. But when you say this is the best choice for you, then you don't sound preachy at least.

PansyPants · June 2012

There were a lot of reasons I chose to birth unmedicated but I didn't share all of them in full detail in an effort to avoid insulting/diminishing the choices of others.

The main thing I always said was that I felt birth was a natural process and that I personally didn't feel the need to dull/numb the feelings that come along with that process. I would share my belief that there is no reason to fear pain and discomfort because they are a part of life and I desire to experience as much of life as I can.

Another point I would share is that medications like epi's can reduce the success of breastfeeding and that I very much wanted to breastfeed my baby.

In addition to those points I would typically make an off hand comment about how altering the natural and automatic way my body handled things seemed unnecessary to me but that I was open to medical interventions if they were needed to insure either the safety of my baby or myself.

katiefalls · June 2012

I generally tell the random people I'm more afraid of the epidural than I am of the pain. That works for a lot of them. For the ones that don't know me well and want to tell me how their baby/wife/self would have died and natural/home birth is crazy, I just say that hospital procedures scare me more than natural birth. I have a great midwife who knows her limits and a hospital nearby just in case.

Most people see me as much more of a tree hugging hippie than I realize and aren't surprised (or hide it well). When they ask, I start with the easiest topics, then go into more of the positive aspects of staying at home instead of the negatives of the hospital, or I say things about how the doctors do things for their convenience or to protect themselves against lawsuits instead of what might make things easiest for labor. I stay away from "this could harm your baby" sort of things. That's what puts people (including me) on edge. You don't tell me I'm endangering my baby by staying at home and I won't tell you you're endangering your baby by going to the hospital.

BLuvsE · June 2012

Thanks ladies! Y'all helped a lot!

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