DH feels distant

k8edgerton · June 2012

We were lucky enough that my husband was able to take 2 weeks off for LO's birth. This week was his first week back. The deal we worked out was that he would do the last feeding of the night which is around 11 p.m. and put LO down for the night. At that point, I take over. If she is fussy (she usually is) I get up and rock to put her to sleep and get up for feedings during the night. This is for the week and then on the weekend it switches where I stay up till 11 and then DH does the nightly feedings. Fair right?

Well DH is complaining that he is SOO tired... etc... etc... In my opinion, I have been doing most of the work this week. He goes to work and comes home and only has to care for her for a bit. I do the laundry, clean, and cook dinner. He hasn't even taken the clean dishes out of the dishwasher and leaves the dirty ones in the sink.

I feel like I am alone and a fight between us is going to happen soon... I can't handle that my husband has come home in a bad mood all week. Half the time I have to get up at 10:30 to put LO down anyway because he looses his patience (I have been going to bed at 8 so I at least get some sleep) He feels distant and I don't like it... He even told me last week that he doesn't want another baby, which is not something that you want to say to a woman who is two weeks post partum.

I think this whole experience has hit him hard. I had prepared myself for the sleepless nights, the cries, and fussy times. I knew what was coming when we got pregnant. DH expects baby to eat, sleep, poop, and be happy all the time. Unfortunately, babies cry and sometimes they are fusssy amd untill they are older do not go to bed when you want.

UGH... I don't really know what to do. I tried to talk to him about it... Suggested that we divide up the night differently. I just don't know what to do. I have had so little sleep this week, I have been looking forward to Friday when it was dad's turn. I am afraid that he will loose patience tonight and will just let her cry.

faydre · June 2012

The nights get better. The fussiness gets better. I think you're still in survival mode. Try to give it time and remember that the worst parts will pass. Give him time too, he's got. Lot to deal with as well. (trust me I knw it's not the same, and DH is basically useless)

Itll get better. ((hugs))

stemms8810 · June 2012

I can somewhat get where you are coming from. My DH has been working a lot, including some nights (which isn't when he normally works). He also has been staying up really late working from home and then falling asleep downstairs which leaves me by myself upstairs to care for LO all night. I mentioned this to him once and he said with working so much and then having to get up early for work, he needs at least a few good hours of sleep.

I get this but at the same time it doesn't feel fair. I know right now I get to stay home and I can nap when LO does but that rarely happens. Not to mention a baby is hard work!

I go back to work in a few weeks and I will have to go to work and get little sleep. So at that time I think DH should stop sleeping downstairs. It's only fair if I can't get decent sleep, he shouldn't either! That's the reality of having a baby! I don't think he completely gets this baby thing yet but he's learning. It's his first and my second so I already knew what I was getting into.

MelissaMiso · June 2012

My best friend, who has three kids, reminded me that it's usually the first 6 weeks that are rough. That put the fussiness, tiredness and craziness into perspective for me. Maybe you can keep reminding yourself that and just try to stick it out until then. Good luck

amandajoyce · June 2012

I'm going through the same thing and this is our second. The first few weeks are just hard on everybody. We both feel alone in this because we're responsible for such different things. He's working and right now I'm not. I'm recovering from a c-section and he doesn't really get how hard that is. I also don't get how hard it is to go to work and then come home and have a second job with a newborn.

We did get into a fight, and he ended up taking our toddler to his sister's while he spent the day doing what he wanted to do. That really seemed to help - both of us, actually.

Again, these first few weeks are a tough adjustment for everyone. Cry when you need to, and just keep plugging away. It gets easier.

xnbride · June 2012

I agree with pp about the 6w thing. It is very true. Things will start to get better soon and baby will start to sleep better and you will feel better and get into a routine.

As far as waking up, I may be of an unpopular opinion, but I think that if you are stay at home (even temporarily) that it is your responsibility to wake up with the baby. I wouldn't expect DH to wake up with the baby because he has to wake up at 5:00 to go to work. Theoretically, I can nap when the kids nap (and sometimes it actually happens). But that is just works for us and our situation and both of us are 100% content with it.

It is so hard figuring out expectations and finding a new normal and balance. The transition from 0-1 was so incredibly hard on our marriage. It took us a long time to figure things out. Talk about it when you are both in good moods rather then in a moment of anger/resentment/exhaustion etc.
It will get better! I promise.

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