- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Late Term and Child Loss
philfemgal
member
Being Happy for Pregnant Friend? (TTC & Friend's Pregnancy Mentioned)
philfemgal
member
I mentioned this on the loss check in thread, but thought I would ask for experiences of others. Our due date for Alice was Monday, so this has been a tough week (as we knew it would be).
On top of the due date we are TTC again and are in the 2WW period so I am obsessing about my temperatures and every twinge of my uterus. At the same time my wife has had a hard time at work on top of the due date because a colleague and his wife are expecting a child in about two weeks. There has been a card for him passed to my wife to sign congratulating them on the baby. And there is a mini-shower and cake thing happening for them tomorrow (which my wife will be skipping). Usually I am the one who is more actively grieving and outwardly sad, but Monday and Tuesday it was my wife who had it worst. I think her being so very down passed on to me and yesterday was a really hard day for me even as my wife started feeling a little more positive.
Then on top of all of that, last night we got an email from a very close friends announcing that they are "having a baby" and that she is 12 weeks along. This was 2 days after our due date. (Our friends knew about the due date and they did send a short message a few days before my due date saying they were thinking of us and were sure that we will eventually have a successful pregnancy in the future, as they knew we were likely going to TTC again soon).
I really appreciate that they emailed rather than telling us on the phone or over skype. However, just reading the first line of the email I felt like someone stabbed me with a knife. The rest of the email was only a few lines about how it was so hard not to tell us earlier and that they had told a few other close friends but aren't spreading the news too far our of the close friend circle right now. And that was it.
We spent the next hour or two just sobbing and venting. The mix of emotions I feel is so overwhelming. On one hand I am actually happy for them of course and I want to love their baby and be excited for them and to hear all the details of how the pregnancy has been going.
The rest of me is having all sorts of other feelings that make me feel like a horrible person. Part of me is amazingly jealous and imagining all of the moments they have had recently and will have soon--getting the positive test, first ultrasound, buying baby things, planning, making a registry, finding out the sex, starting to show, feeling movement, etc. Some of these I experienced and some I didn't, but I am so jealous that almost surely they will get all of these AND end up with a healthy, live baby while my baby that is supposed to be 2 days old is dead.
I am also just so amazingly sad. I sobbed like I haven't sobbed in months.
And then finally I am angry. I think mostly I am irrationally angry--or angry at the situation, the world, not at my friends. I'm angry that they are carefree enough to be so confident that they are "having a baby" when they are only 12 weeks along. Even before I had any problems in my pregnancy I was so nervous and cautious that I NEVER used those words. I said "I am pregnant" and did a lot of "Well if everything goes well, the baby will be x months old at this time." There always an *if* for me. I never got to feel just pure joy at being pregnant or that pregnancy leads to an actual live baby and I know I never will feel that--or at least not during the pregnancy process, but hopefully once the baby is in my arms.
I also feel guilty. First for not being happy and excited for them in a way a friend should. For not having responded yet to their email with a "OMG I'm so excited!! I want to hear everything! Let's skype immediately!" For being angry. For not wanting to know about this. For being so self-centered. But also for all the conversations and venting I did to this friend in the past few months. Luckily we don't talk all that much--maybe once every 3-4 weeks. But she heard an awful lot of dead baby talk from me during the time she must have been TTC and her first trimester. I would not have been so honest or so detailed about some of the medical stuff had I known. (But of course, I didn't know!) I also thought, what if she had an early loss? Or problems getting pregnant? And there I was constantly venting about my dead baby. And when we announced our pregnancy we did it on skype--so no chance for her to be sad in private if that were the case. (But again, how could I know?)
All of those feelings I know are totally irrational, even if normal. Of course they deserve a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby. They deserve friends who make a big deal and are soooo happy for them and want to see every ultrasound picture and throw a shower and all that. I want them to have all of that. It's just that actually knowing about it and seeing it happen while we are still distraught with grief just seems like too much. But my thought is to just ignore these feelings and pretend as best I can to be so amazingly happy for them. (And really part of me is very happy for them and does want to hear about things like why they decided to TTC now and such, how the pregnancy is going, etc.)
Finally, I am a tiny bit upset with them about one issue--the timing and the tone of the email. I kind of feel like since they knew our due date, did they have to send that email to us *this* week? Two days after the due date? They couldn't have told us sometime in the past 2 months? Or given they had already waited til 12 weeks waited just one more week? Of course I'm sure most of the emotions above we'd still be feeling just as strongly had the timing been a little different. But I feel like waiting would have sent more of a message that they realized how hard this week is for us in deciding when to tell us.
Second I was surprised that the email made no indication that they knew this was hard for us or that maybe we'd need some time to respond or anything like that. I don't know if that's supposed to be understood? Or if these friends really think we are going to have a normal reaction to this news 2 days after our dead baby's due date?
Other than my wife and my mom, this friend is probably the person I have been the most honest with about my feelings since losing Alice and this just makes me think, she must have absolutely no clue whatsoever what I feel like, despite my thinking I have shared so much with her. It makes me think we must appear way to happy and normal to the outside world, when inside I feel like I am not functioning "normally" at all. Rarely go a day without crying, can't concentrate on my work, routinely feel like my world has fallen apart, don't feel hopeful about anything, worry constantly about everything, etc.
So I guess my questions are:
How would you respond to their email? Would you give any indication that this is hard for you? Would you wait a few days to respond in order to get used to the idea before you respond?
Second if you been in a similar situation (which from lurking it sounds like many of you have), does it get easier over time to be genuinely mostly happy for friends in this sort of case, to want to hear all about their baby, to get updates without flipping out, etc?
BFP #1 9/21/11. EDD 6/4/12. Twins discovered at 8 weeks. Twin B lost at 14 weeks due to megacystis. Alice Joe born and lost 1/5/12 at 18.5 weeks due to pre-term labor.
BFP #2 7/11/12. EDD 3/23/13. Ada Alice born 3/20/13.
BFP #2 7/11/12. EDD 3/23/13. Ada Alice born 3/20/13.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Being Happy for Pregnant Friend? (TTC & Friend's Pregnancy Mentioned)
I'm going to totally honest with you if that's okay!!
My SIL decided while I was in the hospital getting ready to have a c section to deliver my sleeping angel that her and my BIL were going to try to have a baby since life was just to short. Well on my daughter 4 week angelversary they announced they were pregnant. They are due to have their daughter next month. I was not and still am not happy. It hurts and kills me they get their baby and mine had to die. Why is that fair? Well truly it isn't fair I didn't go to her shower and we don't talk much. I couldn't see her when she really was showing it just hurt to much. Now after almost 8 months of dealing with this I am better still not 100% happy but I have to put on a happy face and kind of pretend since they are all so happy to have their baby coming soon.
Now that I am pregnant with my rainbow the blow is less severe it still hurts since my SIL said some pretty inappropriate things to me early in her pregnancy. She was down right mean and I think the distance helped me to not want to flip out everytime I saw her.
All that being said I will have to be around this baby since it will be our neice. So I think in time it will get easier but I still am bitter about the way they decided to get pregnant it was at the expense of my loss which hurts me on so many levels.
About the email i would give it a few days and respond honestly and tell them how you feel. If they are good friends they will get it. I wouldn't be mean I know you won't be mean. Good luck to you!!
I'm not sure I helped sorry!!
Heather
I probably would respond to the email saying congratulations but explaining that this is hard for you to hear right now and that you hope they understand if you need some space/time.
I've had different reactions from person to person when I've heard announcements. They always stung, but there were a couple times I had big ol' ugly cries after hearing announcements. I am sure that part of that had to do with our IF struggle as well, but I think that even without that, announcements would sting. The worst one was from a friend who got k/u literally while I was in the hospital waiting to deliver Eliott.
BFP #2 - EDD 2/26/12 M/C 6/28/11 @ 5w2d
BFP #3 - EDD 4/7/12 M/C 8/2/11 @ 4w2d
Too beautiful for this earth
BFP #4 - EDD 12/09/12, Lucille arrived 11/26/12
I would wait a few days to respond, and then be honest about how you're feeling. DO tell them how happy you are for them, excited, etc. but also mention that it might be hard for you and you might need some time/space. One phrase I use to talk to my friend about it (whose baby was born about a month after my EDD) was "I'm happy for you, I'm just sad for me too". If they are good friends, they will accept it. Maybe not understand fully but accept it.
Yeah, I think they were a little insensitive with the timing, but at this point what's done is done. If this is their only offense I'd let it slide. They probably realize how sad the EDD is but don't get that it's hard EVERY day not just on special days.
Does it get easier? Well... I did just see my friend's baby for the first time, and I was sad but it was manageable. He wasn't MY baby; he would've existed whether my baby lived or died. Like so many aspects of this loss, it's another thing that JUST IS. So you learn to live with it, and that's what makes it more manageable.
I'm sorry you are experiencing this. It really does hurt a lot.
Thanks all for your thoughts/advice.
I know the feelings are to be expected, but it's so hard to feel this way.
I do think it already feels a little less raw though. I can actually say it/think about it without bursting immediately into tears.
I think my wife and I are going to write a response together tonight and try to be honest that we are happy for them, but that this is really hard.
BFP #2 7/11/12. EDD 3/23/13. Ada Alice born 3/20/13.