Advice
My DH and I are having some problems. We went to counseling in the Spring but had to stop because the counselor was being paid by the employee assistance program on my job and I was laid off at the end of May. By the middle of August I was working again but DH took a job in another city and was fired last month, so he came back here and we are still living apart. We are going to start counseling again after the holiday.
Two things are causing conflict: money, and the way DH controls my relationship with SD. We have been married 4 years and SD lives with us, always has. Bio mom is not around at all. DH says I am SD's mother but he does not allow me to be a mother to her. The straw that broke the camel's back was a few months ago when the Pastor and his wife of a church we were attending made some comments about me to DH. They said that I act as if SD is a burden to me because on Sunday's me and the baby are always beautiful and SD is not. Well, I use to lay out SD's clothes and comb her hair. I took her to the beauty shop every other week and got her hair done etc. DH did not like the job that the hair stylist was doing (I have been going to this hairstylist since I was 14 and she is great!) so DH decides that SD is going to go natural. For those who do not understand this term, we are black Americans and natural means hair will no longer be chemically straightened. So basically SD has the beginnings of an afro. Well, the process of this is bad. Your hair will look a mess for a while unless you get braids or something, but DH decided she was fine the way she was. This Pastor and his wife noticed the changes and assumed that I did this. Also DH made me stop putting out SD's clothes, he said she was old enough to dress herself. SD is 12 and she is, but SD does not take pride in her appearance so if you do not stop her she will wear whatever even if it is too short or not matching. DH agreed with the Pastor and his wife, but not about SD's appearance because clearly that is his fault but he said that when I wake her up in the mornings I sound like she is "always in trouble". What the heck?! This hurt me alot. So obviously there is more but it is a long story this is just what broke it for me. So anyway counseling helped, but DH did not change his behavior he agreed to but did not and has not so we are going to try again.
My question to you all is this, if we were to get a divorce, would you try to continue a relationship with SD? I love her very much but DH will not let us have our own relationship just her and I.
Re: Advice
First off - I am very sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine the pressure you're going through. You sound very hurt and lonely - being a step mother can be a lonely road when your spouse isn't backing you up.
I'm half wanting to kick the pastor and his wife's ass for being JERKS to you. Rather than have a "counseling" session with you both, they instead add fuel to the fire. HOWEVER I would strongly recommend you going to them and asking them for help. As Pastor's of a religious institution they should have EXPERIENCE in family counseling if they realized you were having marital/family problems. As they stuck their noses in your business I would ask your DH if he was willing to ask them for advice. See what your DH says - see if he is open to them helping you both? I would think he would want an "objective" point of view.
Also - as you both go to church - perhaps the Pastor has heard of the book "Growing Kids God's Way". This goes directly by what the Bible says - it's covers the sanctity of marriage and the importance of "HUSBAND/WIFE" oriented marriage/family rather than "child oriented" marriage/family. Good Luck!
I don't have any advice
Other than thank you for spelling it correctly!!
Just wanted to say that I'm sorry that you are going through this and feeling down
Although we are all internet strangers - please let us know if we can do anything for you!
I love her very much but DH will not let us have our own relationship just her and I. if we were to get a divorce, would you try to continue a relationship with SD? I love her very much but DH will not let us have our own relationship just her and I.
This last sentence is very disturbing to me. He sounds like he has major issues with forgiveness.
OMG - I would let the paster know that i do not appreciate the assumption he came to.
BUT your DH sounds like a real catch - he didn't feel the need to stand up for you, the mother of his child, against false accusations.
I especially like the fact that he has a problem with the way YOU wake his daughter up. If he does not like it why does he not do it and more to the point why has he never talked to you about it.
Good luck with the counseling but if your DH is not even willing to try i wonder if it is worth your while???
There are many unaswered questions. What happened to bio mom? What was your dh's relationship with her? Does he have a lot of "commitment" issues and part of that plays out in his knowledge that it's him and his girl forever, but you are just potentially passing-through his life and he feels very vulnerable about being a single dad (even though he ISN'T?) I see your sig you both have a baby together, too. Have a lot of these problems started since you had the new child together? That may be triggering stuff that happened with the 12 year olds mom and his fears.
Everything all boils down to one thing: We are all vulnerable. The question is where is he feeling vulnerable and how can those emotions be expressed more constructively than the way they are.
If the counseling hasn't helped dh see where he's feeling vulnerable then he's likely in a room with you and a counselor can be very "logical" and logically there is no reason you can't do her hair, etc. So he "has to agree", right? He isn't an idiot. He knows he's not being rational. But if there is no room in the counseling session to get down, deep down, to what is *actually going on*, then counseling will just continue to be heady and not emotional for him and you two to work out real solutions. You will continue to talk emotional about how betrayed you feel with the pastor, and he'll talk "rational" about how they are right or simply defend that he didn't actually DEFEND YOU when he should have.
One thing I'd say about the 12 year old is she is dead on for not caring about her appearance but all you have to do is give it a year and when she hits teenagerhood, she willl care TOO Much. :-)
You need to find a really good counselor who specializes in couples and stepfamilies, if possible. It is not logical parenting - it is complicated for you and your DH. You should also google "Stepfamilies" because there are quite a number of great websites and organizations out there.
www.marriagefriendlytherapists.com/search-texas.php is a great list of therapists who are top couple counselors. I hope someone is in your area!
A great form of therapy that gets even super macho men to open up is called Emotionally Focused Therapy. It has nothing to do with the "Oprah crying" in therapy where men are supposed to relieve how mean their daddies were, but has to do with this vulnerability I'm talking and when you reach that point as a couple it creates a magical bond that helps you REBUILD your relationship. www.eft.ca is the website that lists therapists trained in this form of therapy. The founder has worked with firemen after 9/11 who are as macho as men get, and she can get them weeping and opening up because this method of therapy gets to the heart of what's going on.
*hugs*
Okay, II guess I'm not done -
It sounds like this has been a tough, tough year for both of you with jobs and finances. For the sake of your family and because I'm sure there are good reasons you fell in love with this man, stick it out through these rough patches so you are able to see your relationship for what it really is. Hopefully when the smoke clears, you'll see you've got a strong family.