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kescalera
member
At the hospital...
kescalera
member
Okay, help me out here, please!
Huge argument last night between my hubby and myself about the fact that I absolutely DO NOT WANT VISITORS AT THE HOSPITAL after I give birth in December. This includes my 10 year old step-son who we have every single weekend and who might as well be a piece of furniture for the attention my husband pays him when he's with us.
I've said I want my husband (although that is up for debate at the moment) and my mother in the room with me. I don't want anyone else in the room and I sure as heck don't want a parade of sisters-in-law, their spouses, their children, step-son's mom, her family, my husband parents (haven't spoken to them in over a year), etc. tromping through the room during those first 24 hours of recovery. As my step-son's mom lives a mile and a half down the road from our house, I see no problem with asking her to take/keep him when we go to the hospital & having him come stay with us/meet new sibling once we get home. He will definitely be one of the first (besides husband & my mom) to meet Baby K but I want those first few hours to be just my husband and I.
Am I being completely irrational? Husband has accused me of not wanting step-son to be part of our family even when I pointed out that I'm the one who feeds him, dresses him, talks to him, asks about school/friends, tries to get him involved in things he likes, tucks him into bed every night he's with us & picks him up/drops him off.
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Re: At the hospital...
Yes. I think you are being unreasonable.
It is not unreasonable to ask for most visitors to wait until you get home before coming and meeting the baby, it's not unreasonable to not want any visitors (including your SS) during labor and delivery, and I also do not think it's unreasonable to want a couple hours to yourself after the birth.
However, I do think it's completely unreasonable not to allow your SS to come to the hospital to meet his new brother and sister.
You need to ask yourself what you would do if you had another biological child.
And also, while having a baby is a big deal for you, it's also a big deal for your husband. I don't think you should have veto rights that extend to his child.
I would not want all the visitors in the room while I was giving birth, but I think you may need to compromise on this one.
Your husband is probably upset, because I am sure it hurts his feelings that you do not want your SS to meet the baby at the hospital. I know I would be hurt.
I am assuming you are a FTM? Am I correct in the assumption? I will respond after confirmation.
I think if your H wants him there then he needs to make arrangements so he can pick SS up, bring him to the hospital, watch him closely while he is there and then take him back to where ever he is spending the night.
If he is willing to do that, I think you should compromise on this one. I know you're nervous about everything and it all seems overwhelming and exhausting right now. But those moments are precious for your whole family.
Also sounds like you need to address H's inattentiveness to his son before your LO gets here.
what if you have the baby during the week? will BM allow SS to come to the hospital mid-week to meet the baby? (just a thought)
our BM wouldn't allow any additional visitation. I gave birth on a friday morning and we didn't have SD until the following friday, so she went a week without meeting her brother.
I can completely understand not wanting 3rd cousins twice removed hounding you etc. but I think you and your husband should plan to play it by ear. you may give birth at 3am, and then neither of you will want visitors for a while.
you may also have a very traumatic birth and not be able to entertain people when you get home (much easier to have people visit at the hospital where you aren't forced to entertain them)
or maybe you have an amazingly fast easy birth and are discharged in 24 hours, there will hardly be time for visitors.
I think you need to be open about SS visiting in the hospital. all the other people you should play by ear, but SS is going to need to have his place in the family confirmed as a new family member joins you. I'm not saying go all out, but make it special that he is allowed to meet the baby in the hospital.
I completely agree with you on limiting the parade through the hospital after having the baby, however I think not wanting SS to meet his new sibling at the hospital is unreasonable. He doesn't have to come in once you pop the baby out, but as PPs have said the next morning or after school would make him feel special.
If BM is reasonable and nice enough to bring SS to the hospital or allow your husband to pick him up and bring him to meet his new sibling, take advantage of it! There are a lot of women on this board who's Skids weren't "allowed" to come to the hospital because the birth landed during BM's (even BF's) time. Heck, my husband and I are trying to figure out a good induction date so that K will be able to come meet her sibling in the hospital because BM has already made it clear 6 months early that she will not allow my husband to pick up K for even an hour to come to the hospital.
Your SS is really going to need affirmation that his role in the new, growing family is stable. I would worry that not allowing him to come visit you at the hospital might hurt his feelings and make him feel like his not a part of the new family.
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my SS's BM & family typically mean well but tend to over-involve (in my mind) themselves in our life. I get along great with BM but we have sometimes bumped heads over what I think they should expect out of my husband's involvement in her family. Husband and BM were never married, were high school bf/gf who were in the middle of a break up when she got prego & Hello SS at 17.
I feel like I need to explain that I absolutely adore my SS & consider him mine just as much as he's my husband's or BM's. I love spending time with him and finding things that we can do together. Most of my issues come from the different standards of behavior, responsiblity, hygiene that he enjoys at his BMs versus at our house (ie required to shower, brush his teeth, clean clothes, clean room, help with puppy, etc.)
I too am a FTM and I completely see where you are coming from because I have these feelings too : /. Right now I am going through a phase where all I want to focus on or all I want anyone to focus on right now is me and my baby (I have even caught myself getting annoyed/angry with my husband if he dares to talk to me about SDs birth). And the last thing I want to hear is people tell me well what if it was your biological child because this child is not mine and I should be able to have as much time as I want to spend with my first child just like I assume DH and his XW got. This is a huge day for you and your DH and you want it to be very special and perfect.
Now with all that being said...all these feelings (while very common from what I have read) are selfish and immature. I shouldnt be mad at my husband that he has a child that isnt with me and I shouldnt be mad at my SD. Your SS is probably so excited to get to meet this new baby possibly just as excited if not not excited than you are. Especially if you are as close to your SS as described, he probably cant wait to meet his new sibling and your LO because this baby is a part of you and you are so good to him. Maybe ask for a few hours alone with just you, DH, and LO but dont leave someone as important as your SS out of it until you bring the baby home. He deserves to meet that little bundle of joy at the hospital because it is part of his growing family too.
Having SS there isnt going to make your day any less special or any less about you and LO. Having SS there is just going to help make that day even more perfect : ) because your whole family will be there!
If you're worried about hygiene, pack a change of clothes for SS in your hospital bag and wash him down with baby wipes before he touches the baby. Problem solved. Whoever you allow from your side of the family to visit should also be allowed from DH's side. It took two to make the baby, the baby is equally your husband's, he should be an equal partner. Your DH could always go pick up your SS from his BM's house so that eliminates her need to be there if that makes you uncomfortable.
Yeah . . .You're being completely unreasonable with regards SS.
I would be LIVID if I was your DH.
Yeah, I had the same thought.
First, my thoughts usually run along the lines of, you're the one giving birth and it is completely your call. Second, I believe that siblings should be right up there with grandparents when it comes to meeting the new baby. My S kids couldn't be there when Kaeldra was born (we left for the hospital at 3 am and the cousin they were staying with couldn't get them there) and I was possibly more hurt than they were.
That being said, I get the impression that you are much more concerned with the BM being there. If that's the case, then I would ask your DH to arrange to go and get SS and bring him to the hospital for a little while and then take him back so that you don't have to deal with that situation.
I think you are being unreasonable and a little mean. Talk about making SS feel excluded!
SS is not some "random visitor." Your SS is the baby's half-brother, and is more biologically tied to your new baby that your mother.
I dont think that you are being unreasonable at all. Giving birth to a baby is stressful at the best of times and who knows how long you will be in labor. Call me a terrible person but with having my son my IL's came to our house when he was a week old with my SS (and two exchange students they were taking care of) and it stressed me to the max, being a new mom and then having all these people in my house drove me batty (I love my inlaws and my step son but my house was bonkers) Just recently with my daughter I was in False and Preterm labor for two weeks and I was so tired by the time my daughter showed up that I really didn't want to see anyone in the first couple hours. Then when I was feeling better my hubby and my MIL brought my son to visit briefly. I think that it is just fine if you don't want anyone else coming to the hospital besides your hubby and mom and you can always change your mind after you get through it and no one should fault you for that.
I'm late to the party, and haven't read responses. Been out of town and am catching up. You probably won't even read this.
A. You married your husband. You must accept everything that comes with that. His child. Yes. I think you are being totally unreasonable by ostricising your child's BROTHER from the room for the first 24 hours. Do you know how awful and 'evil step mother' you sound? This isn't just your little 3 person family you are making. There is another child who was here first. Can you imagine how ss would feel? Cast asside for the new baby... wow. How would you handle this if SS were YOUR child? What aboutyour next child if you have one, will you send this one off to be with other ppl for 24 hours? I doubt it. Yes, you sound like a total b*tch by suggesting this. Had I said this to my H when our daughter was born he would have reacted the same way our H is. Hell, of anyone I wanted in the room it was my H and SS. I wanted to see them FIRST. Because we are a FAMILY. When my second child was born I couldn't WAIT for my daughter to be brought in the room so we could all be together (SS was with BM it was her day).
B. Why would you have a child with a man who treats his first child 'like a piece of furniture'? Do yo think he will be different with your child?
C. You sound like someone I wouldn't want to know in real life. Ew. How sad for your family.
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
good thing you don't live where i live - as for when/if we have another child, i would probably ask the same thing for SS & Baby K - give me the time at the hospital to recovery & adjust to this new person in my life & then when we get home, SS & K will be the first ones to be introduced and welcomed into our life.
SS would never be "shipped off" to anyone. if he's at his BM's house I would ask he stay there until we get home or if he's with us, ask my parents to watch him until we get home. If i'm in the hospital for 3 days, there is room for negotiation but a typical birth means i'm there 24 hours after a very very long, painful, stressful, emotional event. He is not being excluded or ostrasized at all. I am allowed to ask for individual time with all of my children when we first get to meet each other.
ALSO - as an update to everyone else....
I agreed that SS is welcome to visit for an hour or so the next morning & agreed that while I'm very anti-sharing right now, i reserve the right to change my mind. I did however refuse to allow my DH to insist SS be at the hospital from the moment labor starts to the end. That is a horrible thing to force a 10 year old to sit quietly for who knows how long & I know he'd be much happier at home with Grandpa and his dog and toys and TV.