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June 2011 Moms
Wymasa
member
A little late to the sleep training game...{long}
Wymasa
member
I lurk mostly on here because my child takes all naps and goes to bed with me right by her side. So I know a lot of you used Ferber to sleep train your LOs.
I have bedshared since day one and now we have daycare in a month and I don't know what to do. I know some people have told me she will probably be ok in daycare and sleep fine. She might surprise me. They also said she might surprise me and sleep fine in her crib. Today was only my first day of half assed sleep training and she did not surprise me. She did exactly what I thought she would.
Today I tried and I know I need to be consistent but it just tore me up. I didn't necessarily quit. I tried two separate times for 45 minutes and she did not even come close to sleep or close to being able to be settled AT ALL.
I didn't do Ferber, I was in the room the entire time. I guess it was a mixture of sleep lady shuffle and the baby whisperer.
It did not work. I tried putting her down drowsy, she woke immediately and screamed. I tried putting her down awake, she grabbed at my shirt and held on on the way down. I tried getting her to sleep and putting her in, same thing. I tried shushing and patting while she was in the crib. No...Now she hasn't had a nap all day. Not to mention, the last time I tried, it took over 20 mins to calm her down where she wasn't screaming like a hurt wild animal.
Is insane crying normal? So much so that she loses her voice almost and takes forever to calm down, even when being held, nursed?
To top it off, when I had finally calmed her down enough to nurse, she ended up biting both nipples and drawing blood? Was she just scared or mad? She's never drew blood before.
I wonder if she will do better if I wasn't there but I really do think she is scared. Since she has never slept a day in her life without me by her side, that makes sense. I also know I only gave it one day so far. But I hate that she isnt' getting sleep. She is playing right now, looks exhausted but still playing. The girl is stubborn.
Do you have any studies that state that Ferber doesn't do anything to harm the child. I know your kids are all fine. I'm just crazy 
I've read about altered brain chemistry etc. Honestly, I have read so many online sites that it's all running together and I know nothing instead of many things.
If you did Ferber, can you give me a run down? This mom has absolutely no time to read. I'm still on maternity leave so I'm home all day and when I'm not playing with her, trying to keep the house from falling down around us, I'm laying next to her while she sleeps so I don't have much time for reading if it isn't online.
If you tried another method, I would like to hear about it.
Thanks for reading my jumbled mess of words. I hope someone can help. Although I'm not sure what I'm asking for.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: A little late to the sleep training game...{long}
I don't know how much help I can be, since I sleep trained at 4.5 months it was much easier for us. She was too little to pull up and hang on to me, and was already in the habit of sleeping on her own, I just had to break the habit of me having too rock her and soothe her back to sleep.
I really, really recommend reading the book, or at least the few chapters that he says are the most important (he lays it out in the intro), but this site has a pretty good synopsis if you really can't. https://noobmommy.com/2008/11/to-ferberize-or-not-to-ferberize.html
Basically the keys are
1) Baby needs to put themselves to sleep on their own, so they have to be awake when you lay them down. Even adults wake in the middle of the night, and if someone took your pillow and blankets you'd be confused and unable to fall back to sleep immediately too. that's what it's like when you rock your baby to sleep and they wake up without you.
2) Progressive waiting - you basically go in and do "checks" at lengthening intervals. Each interval length gets farther apart throughout the night, and each night they get longer as well. In my experience, this enabled my daughter to feel comforted knowing I WOULD come in for her, but bc the intervals got longer, she basically got to where she'd relax enough while waiting for me to come back that she'd fall asleep. This is probably going to be a little tougher with your daughter since she's older and so used to you being there when she falls alseep and wakes up.
As far as studies showing that training doesn't harm your child, I don't have any offhand. But I have never read one that said it does either. The ones I've seen posted that say they do are always talking about CIO in extreme situations. Yes, if you leave your newborn alone to cry for hours until they give up and fall asleep at two weeks old, they are going to develop major trust issues and probably diminish grey matter to their brain due to the stress. But IMO that is neglect, not sleep training. Letting your one year old cry for a max of 30 miinutes is not the same thing.
I'm more than happy to answer any specific questions!
I'm a huge proponent of sleep training. At this age, staying in the room with A would not work at.all! It would only make things worse. And honestly, 45 minutes is not long enough. Especially considering your background and O's age. When we trained at 6 months, it took going in every 10 minutes for an hour to get her to go to sleep. This was after she had already been used to sleeping alone in her crib most of the night.
Frankly, in your situation, I think it will be much harder, but not impossible. I think considering age and everything, Ferber is your best shot. However, you have to be 100% committed or it will not work. Start with night time first. Then naps.
As for studies, I have never read a valid study saying it does damage. I've only read opinions by others. Only true damage came from extreme neglect situations which Ferber is not. However, on the opposite end of the spectrum, I did see a study on the Today show talking about how being so afraid to let our children be upset or suffer any pain at all does more harm than good. So, it could be argued both ways.
GL.
Thank you ladies. See, there is so much info out there, it gets confusing. I was reading a baby whisperer forum and they directed me to start at naps.
Just wondering, why does Ferber recommend night time?
I have to wonder if since she is more aware, if leaving and doing checks would be better? I know I also need to be committed. I have a friend who did extinction at around 10 months, I think? I don't necessarily agree but her child seems well adjusted and happy.
I think I'm a bit weak lol.
Thank so much for your input. I wanted to start sleep training around 6 months but kept putting it off so this is all my fault. I need to do this for her.
This is definitely me. I don't mind letting her cry during the day when she is in a mood and doesn't want to be set down. I'm not an overbearing mother, I'm really laid back so I have no idea why I am so hesitant to let her CIO.
Good point, I needed that check
I think Ferber recommends nighttime because they are really tired then
He also recommends giving up on a nap after 30 minutes, so in your case, she'd never nap based on his recs! So I guess if you started at night, you'd have more time to teach her to self soothe since you'd stay at it, no matter how long it takes, until she falls asleep
(and I'll be honest, my daughter is definitely a crap napper. she is an awesome night sleeper and happy when she's awake, so I don't fight it)
Try night time first. We sleep trained for nights only (and continued to allow her to nap on us during the day) Once she was completely able to sleep at night naps became so easy. Really my child who would only nap on me started sleeping in her crib fro 30 to 120 minutes at a time. Now she does 2 90 minute naps.
Read the book, and remember it's going to be hard. LO is smart and thinks if she cries long enough you'll break down and get her. You really can't give in with CIO it only makes it harder the next time.
Thank you for positing. It's good to hear from someone who was in the same boat. I'm glad it worked for you.
Now that I've done the days, in the way I was doing it, do you recommend waiting and starting fresh tomorrow night or just going for it tonight.
She hasn't napped at all so I don't know if that will affect things.
Thanks again everyone.
We coslept and had to do sleep training to get her into her crib. Then had to do it again when we moved her crib into her room. The first time was at around 7 months and worked fine with us staying in the room. The second time at 11 months it worked better to leave. I think as they get older and more aware staying in the room just draws out the process more. Just my opinion though.
For me, any potential "risks" are outweighed by the benefits of a child experiencing a full and deep night of sleep.The effects of lack of sleep have to be even more stressful!
You can download the Ferber book to the Kindle ap on your iPhone. I read all pertinent parts in 45 minutes. Don't try and piece it together through websites. Read the book and good luck!
I just wanted to say I was in the same boat as you a few months ago. DD has been bedsharing for a few months and it wasn't working at all anymore. I would be up 8-10 a night nursing and DH slept in the guest room. At 7 months I started the sleep lady shuffle for naps. I had moderate success, but it didn't work for nights. I also read NCSS and used some ideas, but still couldn't get her out of the bed.
You will know when you're truly at the end of your rope. I got there and read the Ferber book. It worked and DD has been in her crib for a month. It was the toughest thing I ever had to do, but I'm glad to have time to myself again and to have DH back in our bed. I will admit to changing my mind about sleep training. The sleep lady shuffle made DD more angry and cried longer compared to the progressive checks. Of course, every baby is different. Good luck with whatever decision you make. My best advice is just commit to it one night, get DH to help, and pour yourself a glass of wine.
Thank you all for your responses and good luck. I broke a cardinal rule last night and gave in. She fell asleep almost immediately in her crib that night though. For about 45 minutes but it was from sheer exhaustion. She woke up rearing to fight again.
I need to be sure I'm ready to be consistent before starting again. I know I need to be consistent but in the middle of the night it is hard.
DH's cousin just did the same thing I did. Stay in the room, shh, pat, comfort verbally without picking up (although I did pick up some because she was losing it). She said there were lots of tears but her DD is now sleeping in her crib. It's been a month. I did continue with being in the room last night and I feel like I need to keep that way up for at least a few days to see if it gets better before doing Ferber.
Thank you for responding. I'm so glad it worked for you. I did leave the room for a bit yesterday and she calmed down. Maybe the progressive checks are the way to go but I cannot stop the horrible feeling I get when I think of Ferber. I'm well aware it's ingrained from hearing all the negative stuff against it for years.
I wonder why the shuffle worked for naps and not nights? Naps are really most important right now with her going to daycare soon so I wonder if I should try it for naps?
If she was already familiar with her crib, I might be more apt to try ferber because I would know she was just pissed. But I'm worried she is actually afraid because she has never slept alone.
Thanks again for all of your advice.