NBR - bridal shower $

AshleyPT · June 2012

So I am in a wedding in August out in San Fran. I live on the east coast. The other bridesmaids held a west coast bridal shower last month which I did not attend. However I am attending her east coast bridal shower in 2 weeks. I just got an email from the maid of honor asking to pay for my share of the west coast shower. I feel like this is something that should have been discussed with me before the event? Thoughts?

LaRue86 · June 2012

It should have been discussed before. I would ask for what the expenses in total were and how many people went including the bride. If they really want you to chip in I would only be paying for the appropriate percentage of the expense for the bride, not everyone else....IE 5 people went and it was $1000. The Brides portion was $200. If there are 5 bridesmaids you would only pay 1/5 or $40 for the weekend.

I had out of town bridesmaids that sent money for my shower, which I greatly appreciated as only 1 bridesmaid was local. However it was a shower and not a weekend getaway. You should no way shape or form be held responsible, but if they wont let it go and you feel it will cause stress come august, go with what I mentioned before.

klingb52 · June 2012

I agree with you, but have no idea how to handle the situation without causing drama which will eventually get back to the bride. Did the MOH know that you were not intending to attend the wine trip ahead of time? Is she expecting you to pay for a portion of the trip's total cost or just a portion of the bride's cost? I might be okay with paying for a portion of the bride's cost (ie if there were 6 bridesmaids, splitting the cost of her share of the trip 6 ways as a gift to the bride), but not oaky with paying for a portion of other peoples trips.

Sunidaze · June 2012

Yes, definitely this should have been discussed with you prior. That is awfully presumptious of the MOH, especially since you weren't able to attend and given that you are attending the east coast shower. That and the expenses you are going to incur for attending the actual wedding.

klingb52 · June 2012

LaRue, we must think alike.

AshleyPT · June 2012

The other bridesmaids and the bride live on the west coast except for the MOH. Everyone knew that I was unable to attend the even well in advance because with my Multiple Sclerosis I wouldn't be able to make a weekend trip cross country by myself.

AshleyPT · June 2012

klingb52:
I agree with you, but have no idea how to handle the situation without causing drama which will eventually get back to the bride. Did the MOH know that you were not intending to attend the wine trip ahead of time? Is she expecting you to pay for a portion of the trip's total cost or just a portion of the bride's cost? I might be okay with paying for a portion of the bride's cost (ie if there were 6 bridesmaids, splitting the cost of her share of the trip 6 ways as a gift to the bride), but not oaky with paying for a portion of other peoples trips.

I would never want things to get back to the bride. She is a very good and dear friend and I would love to do anything for her. Money is tight since my work is so limited since my last relapse. The bride said from the get go that it didn't even cross her mind that I would be able to come out for the shower. I'm waiting to hear back about what the expenses were.

wendy46001 · June 2012

I'd be honest with her, say you'd would have loved to have pitched in if it was discussed with you prior to the event (budgeted) but as money is tight and the east coast shower is in two weeks you just can?t. I?ve been a bridesmaid more times than i'd like to admit and I?ve become very upfront with all the other girl as to how much money i'm willing to put towards events. All last min expenses and/or un-discussed extras will only get a sorry I?d love to give the bride the world but can?t email. The bride knows you and your position (and that you didn?t attend) don?t let the other girls put you out just to keep them from tattling/complaining to the bride.

DreamChaser246 · June 2012

klingb52:
I agree with you, but have no idea how to handle the situation without causing drama which will eventually get back to the bride. Did the MOH know that you were not intending to attend the wine trip ahead of time? Is she expecting you to pay for a portion of the trip's total cost or just a portion of the bride's cost? I might be okay with paying for a portion of the bride's cost (ie if there were 6 bridesmaids, splitting the cost of her share of the trip 6 ways as a gift to the bride), but not oaky with paying for a portion of other peoples trips.

Ditto, This should have been discussed before.

What are you comfortable doing (had you been approached before hand)? You are already incurring costs flying out for the wedding, that the other girls don't have.

I would hate to cause drama for the bride, but having been in a horrible situation like this, it depends on what the price of peace is.

JuneBugsMommy · June 2012

Wait, they want you to pay for something you didn't attend and weren't talked to about before it happened? Nope, that wouldn't fly with me.

magnoliablossom00 · June 2012

JuneBugsMommy:
Wait, they want you to pay for something you didn't attend and weren't talked to about before it happened? Nope, that wouldn't fly with me.

Yes

Exactly this. "Dear so and so, I appreciate your email and reaching out to me. However, being as money as tight and also that I was not in attendance, additionally having to pay to fly out in 2 weeks for another shower, and was also not made aware in advance that I would be asked to pay, I have to regretfully say that I cannot chip in this time. I would love to be able to help, as I dearly love (bride), but it is not possible at this time. If there will be any other expenses in the future, please let me know in advance as it is hard to budget with MS and a young child.

Thank you for understanding."

nfrtny · June 2012

I would be seriously irritated about this. You didn't even go, and no one talked to you about it beforehand. I think it's ridiculous for the MOH to assume that you're going to chip in and I definitely wouldn't do it. If the bride is as good of a friend as you say, she should understand.

AshleyPT · June 2012

nfrtny:
I would be seriously irritated about this. You didn't even go, and no one talked to you about it beforehand. I think it's ridiculous for the MOH to assume that you're going to chip in and I definitely wouldn't do it. If the bride is as good of a friend as you say, she should understand.

Oh, I'm not worried about the bride understanding. I rather her not hear about it at all, and I definitely don't want to cause her any worry over the situation. I think it would stress her out to hear about it, which is why I would contemplate just chipping in to make it disappear.

tulipblossom · June 2012

AshleyPT:
nfrtny:
I would be seriously irritated about this. You didn't even go, and no one talked to you about it beforehand. I think it's ridiculous for the MOH to assume that you're going to chip in and I definitely wouldn't do it. If the bride is as good of a friend as you say, she should understand.
Oh, I'm not worried about the bride understanding. I rather her not hear about it at all, and I definitely don't want to cause her any worry over the situation. I think it would stress her out to hear about it, which is why I would contemplate just chipping in to make it disappear.

Your a better person than I am in this respect. I would in no way shape or form pay for something I didn't attend AND was not discussed before the event. Are you putting $$ into the East Coast shower? Are the West Coast girls going to the East Coast shower? If not are they still putting $$ into it?

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